My Lie to Keep – by Darlin

A/N – I wrote this at work on the spur of the moment as a birthday one shot for Tiger who put up a song fic challenge at her Written_Stars Yahoo group. I don't do song fics because I don't really like them but I did incorporate the song "What can I tell my heart", once sung by the great Ella Fitzgerald, into the story so it worked to my satisfaction and I hope it works for you as well. Btw, I changed the story title from "What can I tell my heart".

Disclaimer – All Marvel's creations, not mine and no profit made.

Chapter One – What can I Tell My Heart?

-xox-

She remembered his kisses, remembered his hands around her waist pulling her closer and his breath rushed, hot. She remembered seeing nothing, her eyes closed tight, but feeling even the tiniest of touches just wanting to melt into him and always stay that way. One.

"I love you," she'd whispered, smiling into his kisses and in that moment everything she'd desired and hoped for was broken.

He'd chuckled, dropped his hands, said he had to check on some things, that he'd see her later. He'd looked at her for a long moment before he touched her cheek and left her. She, still high on hope, tried to convince herself that he did have business to attend to, that he would be back.

She could hardly sleep afterwards and rose early hoping to catch him before he left for his morning run. He never showed. Nor did he come down for breakfast. Or lunch or dinner.

-xox-

It was pouring outside. It had rained all week. Ever since Logan disappeared without a word. No one remarked on the weather. Ororo didn't notice it herself. Her smile was sunshine bright.

"We should all go to Harry's they're having a live band tonight," she'd said after dinner and easily coerced her friends into going along.

"I thought everything was going fine for them," Rogue whispered to Remy on the ride into town, having taken her Porsche instead of his Harley.

"It's for the best," Remy commented.

At Harry's with Jean and Scott, Remy and Rogue and Kurt Ororo acted as if nothing had changed for her. She was moving to the beat of the music as soon as they entered the familiar bar.

"Is everything okay, Ororo?" Jean asked when they were in the restroom fixing their makeup and hair.

"I feel like dancing," Ororo laughed in reply.

When she came out, her shoulders moving back and forth to the rhythm as she sashayed in front of their table she beckoned for Kurt to join her.

"I'm not very good with this kind of dancing," Kurt said, sliding over to let her sit down.

"I'm not either, Kurt but who cares?" But she sat, smile still wide on her face. "Rogue, remember when you and Betsy tried to talk me into going out with Davis and we all went dancing? "

Rogue laughed. "Ah haven't thought about that in ages."

"I didn't want to go but you talked me into it and we had so much fun."

"For a while," Rogue murmured while looking at Ororo oddly.

"Oh, Kurt let's just try one dance," Ororo said and looked at Kurt hopefully.

"The next slow dance, okay?"

"Oh, all right," Ororo said, her head bopping to the beat, fingers tapping on the table.

Remy and Rogue watched her while Scott and Jean exchanged glances. Ororo pretended not to notice she was being scrutinized. She laughed and pulled Kurt onto the dance floor when a softer song played.

I'll try to explain to friends, dear
The reason we two are apart
I know what to tell our friends, dear
But what can I tell my heart

It's easy to say to strangers
That we played the game from the start
It's easy to lie to stranger
But why tell a lie to your heart

When I smile to hide all the tears inside
What an ache it will bring
Then I'll wander home to a telephone
That forgot how to ring

She didn't know the song but the words caught at her heart. She tried to shut the lyrics out. If she listened she wouldn't be able to pretend any longer. She twirled on the floor in Kurt's arms smiling, laughing. No one would have thought there was anything wrong with Ororo but the storm outside, lighting cracking so loudly it could be heard even above the loud dim of the bar, made them all glance at her.

During the drive home it hailed. Ororo didn't stop talking. She joked about her skill in getting Kurt to try the Electric slide – everyone should know that dance, she said and tried not to remember how Jubilee had taught her and Logan one dull day and they'd gone along with her. She joked about how Kurt had looked like a duck trying the dance steps. She laughed even harder at her own attempts and insisted they all go out tomorrow night saying, "I had so much fun! I can't remember when I've had this much fun." And hoping desperately that they believed her.

When the others were going to their rooms Jean pulled Ororo aside. She hesitated for the briefest of moments then forced herself to speak. "Is everything all right, Ororo?"

"Everything's fine, why?"

"You – you've just been so . . . cheerful."

"What's wrong with being cheerful?" Ororo laughed.

"I just mean you're a little too cheerful . . . now that Logan 's gone."

"What does Logan have to do with my happiness?" Ororo said, her mask falling away for only an instant but Jean had seen.

"I thought you two were seeing each other?"

"We were just having fun it wasn't anything serious, Jean. You know how Logan is."

"So you're okay then?"

Ororo laughed again. "Why wouldn't I be? I had a wonderful time tonight."

"It's just you're not one to go out much."

"You know, Jean I think going out with Logan made me appreciate having fun. He always knew how to have a good time." Her smile didn't falter though flashes of memories with Logan pained her.

"Do you have any idea why he left so suddenly and without saying anything?" Jean asked.

Ororo's mask did not crack this time. She smiled, shook her head. "You know how Logan is; he'll be back when he's ready." The words broke her heart. Would he ever come back – to her?

"I'm glad you're okay, hon," Jean said but Ororo was hurrying up the stairs and didn't hear.

Thunder rattled the windowpanes as Ororo jammed a pillow over her head hoping to drone out the lyrics of the song she'd dance to earlier. For all she'd tried not to hear the lyrics while she'd danced, as sometimes songs do, the words were stuck in her head.

I could say you'll soon be back, dear
To fool the whole town may be smart
I'll tell them you'll soon be back, dear
But what can I tell my heart

When I smile to hide all the tears inside
What an ache it will bring
Then I'll wander home to a telephone
That forgot how to ring

It took everything she had to keep from screaming. And she wouldn't cry. She refused to cry. He didn't deserve her tears. He – they – must never have an inkling of her heartache.

It was so easy to lie to Jean, to put on a happy face for the others but in the darkness of her room, the emptiness of her heart so deep she could no longer keep up the pretence. Her heart bled.

She did not go out again that week. She needed a night in she told them when she backed out. She stayed in her room, tried to read but couldn't. She paced, watched the rain fall, watered her plants, anything to keep her from seeking out her cell phone on the nightstand. Futilely. Every few seconds her eyes darted toward that instrument of life or death. To no avail. He hadn't called before what made her think he'd call now? She'd scared him away. Those three words spoken from her heart had terrified him. Those three words had broken her heart.

-xox-

It was raining in Hell's Kitchen; it had been since the night he'd arrived. Logan didn't care one way or the other. He'd gone no where and didn't want to go anywhere. No, that wasn't true. He wanted to go back. But he wouldn't.

Eyes closed tight he could hear the rain beating against the windowpanes. Rain always made him think of Ororo but now he tried hard not to think of her, of how he'd held her so close, her lips on his so soft, her eyes full of things unsaid that had made him want her so badly he'd almost lost himself to her. He could see her now in his minds eye, tall, beautiful, proud. He wanted her. He wanted more than what he had a right to.

A sharp ring startled him. He'd been trying to forget the phone in his apartment, wished he'd thought to turn it off. He wouldn't answer. He wanted to ignore it just as he was trying to ignore the dive his stomach took when it rang. The answering machine picked up. A beep and then a woman's voice – Ororo? No.

" Logan , it's me – Jean, is everything okay?"

Hope died. He'd longed to hear Ororo's voice, to hear her laugh, to know she was okay.

"You didn't say when you'd be back. I hope everything's okay. You shouldn't go off without saying something." A short pause. "We miss you you know."

"Hey, Jeanie," he said, picking the phone up.

" Logan ! I didn't . . . well how are you?"

"Fine," he said.

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just that you left so suddenly. I thought . . ."

"How's 'Ro?"

"She's great actually. We went to Harry's and she danced all night."

There was a long silence on the line and Jean didn't dare break it.

"Well, good. Good," Logan finally forced himself to say and then, "I gotta go, Jean I got some stuff ta take care. Good talkin' to you."

Jean thought perhaps she'd imagined it but it seemed as if the Logan she knew was gone, something vital missing.

Logan put the phone down and didn't move from his chair. He had nothing to do, no where to go. He'd given Ororo up when it was the last thing he'd wanted to do. He had not ached like this since he'd been force to kill the woman he loved. It was the undying memory of that tragic act that had driven him away. He wasn't good for Ororo. With him would come hell. She deserved better.

He chuckled. She went dancing. Probably with Kurt. Well, as long as Ororo was fine so was he. He would keep telling himself that long after the rain passed.