A/N: Why was this epilogue posted late? Circle your answer.

a) the author temporarily forgot her password

b) the author was playing Psychonauts and totally forgot it was her update day and then when the chapter was already late she forgot her password

c) the author is an idiot

d) all of the above

DISCUSS.

There’s something you oughtta know
About the latest model
She’s not the usual kind
She’s made of mindless metal
She’s not exactly normal
But I don’t care
She’s gotta be the 1, gotta be the 2, gotta be the 3, gotta be the 4

Behind the needles and lights
She’s programmed for perfection
But sometimes simple mistakes
Get by without detection
Her figures need correction
But I don’t care
She’s gotta be the 1, gotta be the 2, gotta be the 3, gotta be the 4
~Icehouse, ‘Sister’

If you take him, you’re stealing.
~Lilo

1:34 PM

Capital Planet - Hospital where Skoodge works

A real, alien hosptial! Full of aliens!

Lilo and Dib sat in the corner of the waiting room. Stitch had gone off to get their ships, check out of the hotel rooms, and take Gaz home. XR was off helping the rangers sort out what had happened on Planet Z. (Apparently, there were going to be some long, messy investigations.) Dib had wanted to help, but Zim had needed immediate medical attention or some crap like that and the rangers didn’t want ‘kids’ hanging around. Stupid rangers. Dib could tell the rangers hadn’t wanted to let them follow the med vehicle that had taken Zim away, but XR had argued them into it. The fat little robot did come in handy.

Lilo was on Pleakley’s phone (which she had probably brought with her without his permission). She’d been on the phone a while, first with Nani, then with Pleakley, then with Cobra Bubbles. Now she was talking to Stitch.

“She won’t get on the ship?” she was saying.

“Who, Gaz?” Dib asked while studying a nearby blob alien.

“Yeah.”

“Tell Stitch to remind her she can’t get batteries for her GameSlave in space.”

Lilo relayed the information, then said: “That worked.”

“Yep.”

Lilo listened to something on the other end, then said: “I love you too, Stitch. Bye.” She hung up, then took a deep breath. “Well, only one call left to make…”

Dib felt an anticipatory shudder. “The Grand Councilwoman.”

“Yep.”

She dialed. Dib waited for eons while the call went through, then Lilo leaned over, holding the phone up between them.

Huh, the ruler of an entire galaxy looked an awful lot like a skinny humanoid turtle.

“Lilo Pelekai,” the turtle said. “Greetings. What is the reason for this call?”

Lilo took a deep breath. “Your Grandness, Stitch and I and my good friend Dib here-” Her friend! Not just her friend, her good friend! “-have apprehended Invader Zim.”

“Wonderful!” the Councilwoman said, although she looked a little apprehensive. “Tell me your location and we’ll be there shortly.”

Lilo’s eyes met Dib’s. XR had told them exactly what to say, and now Lilo launched into it. “Actually, Your Grandness, under Federation law, since I am Earth’s ambassador, Zim is my responsibility.”

The Counciwoman blinked at them. “What?”

Dib jumped in. “Irk blew up and Zim was exiled anyway, so he doesn’t belong there. The only other place he’s lived has been Earth! Under Federation law, an alien who no longer belongs to its native planet becomes a citizen of whatever other planet it lives on for more than a year. Zim lived on Earth two years, and we have skool records to prove it! And, as ambassador, Lilo‘s the only legally recognized Federation authority on Earth!”

Lilo nodded.

The Councilwoman blinked at them some more. “Is she?”

“Yeah!”

“Tons of people were at the ceremony where you made me ambassador,” Lilo added. “It was all over the news.”

“Oh.” The Councilwoman cleared her throat. “Ambassador Pelekai, your duties also include the ability to turn any criminal you desire over to another galactic authority to deal with, should you so choose.”

Lilo gave the phone a cherubic smile. “That’s okay, Grand Councilwoman. I can handle him and Kila.”

“…Kila?”

“Yeah. She will be given to me for sentencing as soon as she’s found, right?”

The Councilwoman swallowed. “Of… of course. Ambassador Pelekai, what exactly do you plan to do with Kila and Zim?”

“We’re going to take Zim to Kaua’i for a second chance,” Lilo said. “And Jumba is going to fix what’s wrong with Kila’s brain.”

“And the moment they screw it up, I’ll be there!” Dib said with such enthusiasm that Lilo glared at him.

“I see,” the Councilwoman said. “I’ll need to think about this.”

She put them on hold.

Dib snorted. “Think about it? Think about what?”

“We have her over a barrel,” Lilo said, and they high-fived. “Rockahula!”

Then the phone came off of hold, and the Grand Councilwoman said: “Lilo, I have some terms that I want you to agree to. If you don’t agree, your position as Ambassador will be revoked.”

Dib’s jaw dropped. “What? You can’t do that! We’ll run a smear campaign on the Internet and get you thrown out of office!”

“Yeah!”

The Councilwoman shook her head. “I’m sure you will.”

“Darn right, we will!”

“However, I didn’t say no. I simply said I had conditions.”

“Well, what are they?” Dib demanded. “Huh? Huh?”

“Yeah!”

“Invader Zim will never again be allowed off of Planet Earth. Neither will Experiment 099. If either of them violate this rule, we have the right to do with them as we see fit. If either of them is still displaying any sort of hostile or aggressive behavior after thirty days of rehabilitation, they will both be turned over to Captain Gantu. If either of them ever commits another illegality, no matter how slight, they will both be prosecuted to the full extent of Federation law. Do I make myself clear?”

Lilo blinked and looked over at Dib, her eyes wide. He shrugged.

Lilo swallowed. “S-sure. We’ll just… have to make them extra good, then.”

“Good. You may transport Zim to Kaua’I. Federation and Alliance authorities will keep looking for Kila.” And she hung up.

“Well, that went pretty good,” Lilo said with a shaky smile.

Dib nodded, but what he was thinking was: Zim is so dead! Hah!

“So I guess as soon as Skoodge says he’s okay to travel, we’re taking him home,” Lilo said, looking away, and then she put her hand on Dib’s.

Dib froze and did not move until Stitch came back and joined them, and Lilo moved her hand.

8/11/04

4:12 PM

Planet Z - Grub’s quarters

“Tyrianga MALIK?”

Her visual sensors powered on to see an unfamiliar ceiling.

She sat up, looking around. Her body felt weak and there were throbbing damage sensors in her arms, back and chest where she’d been hurt in her attempts to defend her prototype, her co-worker and Zim.

She was in a bare, metal room. Upon further inspection, she knew this place as a grub’s quarters on Planet Z. However, the alien with her was not a grub, but an Irken, a female with purple eyes.

“Irken Kel,” MALIK said. “Where am I and where are the people I was with?”

“You- you remember me?” Kel said, her eyes widening.

“Yes. I remember everyone I have aided.” A few months ago Kel had wished to go back to Irk to look for some acquaintance or friend or mate or- whatever, some organic thing. Star Command was not currently providing passage to Irk, so MALIK had been the one contacted to help. She knew Kel to be a rather flighty, largely submissive Irken working at Star Command on the janitorial staff, who had developed problems with succumbing to emotion after what Irkens called the Devastation, and the subsequent demise of the control brains.

What MALIK didn‘t know was what Kel was doing here. She hoped to rectify this. “Now answer my questions.”

“Well, um, y-you’re in, uh-”

“This is pressing,” MALIK said.

“You’re on Planet Z,” Kel said quickly. “Trig was the one sent with the capture team, and we knew you and A-Tyr could-”

“Where are they now, Kel?”

Kel blinked, swallowed and said: “A-Tyr is back on Tyrinorma. And…” She shuddered, making a face as though she tasted something bad. “Zim is in the hospital. Can you believe it? They’re actually trying to fix him.”

Then neither of them was in immediate danger. MALIK began to pace. “There was a robot with me, small, round and purple in color. He is covered in artificial fur and he communicates through sped-up audio messages that sound like simple squeaking to the untrained ear.”

“No one has seen a robot like that, sir…”

“Then he will need to be found. There was also a…” Distaste entered her voice. “Creature.”

Kel hesitated. “The… kitoritom’k? We… have it in another room. It can‘t get out.”

“I see. Excellent.”

“And you’re in Beta Quarters on Planet Z, sir.”

“I see. Why am I here?”

“The capture team recognized you as an Irken operative and brought you here, sir!”

“Why was I not brought to Tyrinorma or Gruz?”

“Sir, requesting permission to make a request!” Kel said, saluting.

MALIK raised an eyebrow. For the first time it struck her as odd that the Irken was treating her as a superior. “Permission granted.”

“Sir, I am part of a resistance movement dedicated to overthrowing Gruz!”

MALIK had thought she had been keeping a close eye on Irken politics. “I knew not of any such movement.”

“That’s because we’re top-secret, sir! Our leader was recently killed and we are in need of a new leader, sir! None of us left in the movement are tall or soldiers or have any idea what we’re doing, sir! Requesting permission to request that you assume leadership until a proper Tallest can be found, sir!!”

MALIK’s eyebrows rose. “I? A leader?”

The Irkens actually wanted her to lead a group of them? No one had ever asked MALIK to assume command before, unless one counted Zim mumbling in delirium.

“Y-yes, sir!”

MALIK studied Kel. She was obviously not from a military rank, or at least, not a high one; she was too short and she didn’t have the ocular implants given to Irkens in important positions. Also, no Irken would ask aid from anyone below them in station.

She was also fairly confident Kel had not the mental capacities necessary for deceit.

“Has the rest of the group agreed to this?”

“They don’t know what to do, sir! Some of them have just left!”

“I see. In that case, I suppose there is only one thing to do. I will assume command, Kel.”

“Yes, sir!”

MALIK nodded slightly to herself. She had never expected her hard work in helping the Irken race to pay off like this. It had just been something to do. True, this was just a small group that did not appear to know what it was doing, but if MALIK had been able to have some semblance of control over GIR, leading creatures that were actually sentient would be easy.

And it could, potentially, be just a start.

Gruz. MALIK had never trusted him. It would be a positive event if he could be made to relinquish control. And someone else would need to receive said control…

All of MALIK’s mistakes could be fixed in one fell swoop.

“Well. I am honored, Kel.” She gave the Irken a piercing look. “You stated that you had the experiment in captivity.”

“Yes, sir!”

Well, well, well. Things were looking up.

MALIK considered the situation while Kel stood there, looking expectant. After some deliberation, the robot said:

“My first order is that if you have the necessary resources, you are to mount a search for the robot I mentioned. He is a valuable colleague of mine.”

“Yes, sir!” Kel turned to leave.

“However, before you do that, I need to know what methods of restraint you have available.”

Kel blinked. “Restraint, sir?”

“You said you had the experiment in captivity.”

“We do.”

“What were you planning to do with it?”

“Ummm… nothing.”

Of course. Irken organics were better than the others, but still organic.

“I have a plan,” MALIK informed her. “It requires that the creature be contained.” She steepled her fingers. “You see, I believe it can be put to some use.”

“Yes, sir!” Kel saluted. “We have some shock collars, sir!”

“That should be sufficient.”

4:37 PM

There was a slit in the wall through which the Irkens had been passing the experiment’s meals. (Feeding it was unnecessary, in MALIK’s view.) She peered through it to see the little monster pacing back and forth. Ugh. It was so ugly.

MALIK unlocked the door with the passcode Kel had given her and stepped into the room, holding the shock collar behind her back. “Greetings, kitoritom’k,” she said.

The experiment turned to face her, its eyes wide. MALIK noted the claw marks scattered throughout the room over the walls and floor. It had been trying to escape.

“Where is Zim?” the experiment choked, a look of distress on its face.

MALIK could hardly believe the nerve of this creature, asking about someone whose life, home and species it had utterly destroyed. “Zerinim’s whereabouts are no longer your concern,” was all she said. “You are currently in Beta Quarters, room 113, on Planet Z. You are being held by a resistance group determined to end Gruz‘s influence over their race. They have just appointed me their leader.”

The experiment said nothing. She still looked distressed. She would soon learn what real distress entailed. “They have appointed me leader,” MALIK continued, “because I have helped their species through a hideous crisis. A crisis you caused.”

All emotion left the experiment’s face. MALIK raised an eyebrow. “There are flaws in the Irken judicial system, as with any system. But one thing I admire.” She pulled the shock collar out from behind her back and displayed it. “They are not afraid to administer as much punishment as is deserved. You will wear this. You will find you are unable to remove it. You will comply implicitly with every order you are given. Now come here.”

The experiment just stared at her.

“I gave you an order,” MALIK said. “Come here.”

There was a moment of stillness, a moment where, it seemed, neither of them knew whether the experiment would submit or MALIK would need to use force.

Then it stepped forward. It dipped its head, closing its eyes. MALIK attached the collar and stepped back.

“Congratulations, skaatel,” she said. “You’re a soldier now.” She saluted. “You are dismissed…” She turned away. “…Ze-Rinimikk.”

And with that, she left the room.

-end

-to be continued?-

A/N: Whew, glad that’s over. Ha ha.

A big thank you to everyone who reviewed, you people keep me going when my enthusiasm begins to wane. A bigger thank you to everyone who edited the TVTropes page (especially Ronnie, who created the page), and the biggest thank you to Maran Zelde and Anonymous-Materials, who were inspired by this enough to make companion volumes to it. You people make all of the work I’ve put into this series worth it. Have a great big electronic hug.

There are- tentatively planned- two more stories left in the series, each one probably as long as this or longer. Then it’ll finally be over.

The next story probably won’t start updating for a while, however. I have a plot in mind but next to nothing has actually been written. Also, I feel like I need to take a break from this series for a little while or I'll get tired of it and start producing substandard work- and I have other projects I've been neglecting that I want to spend some time on. Including ORIJUNUL WERK.

And fancomics.

And Psychonauts.

REVIEWS!!!!