House and Cuddy are in Cuddy’s office discussing important matters aka House checking out her bod and Cuddy trying not to throw things at him.

HOUSE: So I was thinking we should go on a date since it really looks like we’re gonna have to some time or another.

CUDDY: I don’t like that attitude, mister. If we’re gonna do it, we’re gonna do it right.

HOUSE: We already did it.

CUDDY: That’s not what I meant. Stop making sexual references every other line, you asshole.

HOUSE: Speaking of assholes…

CUDDY: Shut up.

CHASE, CAMERON, AND FOREMAN COME RUNNING IN.

CHASE: OUR PATIENT IS DYING!!!!!!!!111!

CAMERON: I love you House! Don’t you ever forget it either, biotch.

CHASE: Cameron you idiot I thought you loved me I thought you were willing to give your sperm to me.

CAMERON: Omg you’ve got the storyline wrong, mate.

FOREMAN:

HOUSE: I bet he has Lupus hey let’s treat him for AIDS though just in case.

CAMERON: I like this idea.

CHASE: I disagree but I’m too naïve to stand up against my boss so I’m gonna say right on, mate.

FOREMAN: Black is beautiful.

KUTNER, TAUB, AND THIRTEEN COME RUNNING IN.

THIRTEEN: Bitches I’m back in black! (she’s not wearing black)

FOREMAN: I love you, hot stuff.

CHASE, CAMERON: :O

CAMERON: WTF are you guys doing here?!?!?!

CHASE: Yeah WTF are you guys doing here?!?!?!

KUTNER: Oh PLEASEE you guys are SO season three.

CAMERON: Everybody likes us better than you guys. They think Thirteen is a lesbian, Taub is boring, and that you’re naïve and stupid.

THIRTEEN: I am lesbian.

NURSE: I know.

TAUB: Oh me is woe my life sucks and my wife is dead. I mean she’s angry at me. Oh, screw it.

EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM INCLUDING TEH AUDIENCE: Nobody cares. Booo.

KUTNER: I’M BACK, BITCHES. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

HOUSE: I thought you killed yourself.

KUTNER: Are you kidding? Secretly I just got Obama Mama to pick me up in a limo. Yeah, baby.

FOREMAN: You’re working in the white house. White.

EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM: HAHAHAHHAHA RACIST JOKE HAHAAHAHAHAHAHA

WILSON COMES RUNNING IN WITH AMBER ON HIS ARM.

HOUSE: I’m not hallucinating am I?

WILSON: Amber came back to visit me because she missed me so much.

HOUSE: I don’t really remember how she died.

WILSON: IDEK something about livers.

KUTNER: Hey guys remember back in the day when I made a comment about how nice Amber’s legs are?

WILSON: Stop hitting on my girlfriend.

FOREMAN: lol

CAMERON: By the way Cuddy, wtf are you wearing?

CUDDY: It’s a pashmina afghan! Don’t you like it?!

HOUSE: It turns me on.

ANDY SAMBERG: I’M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKER, DON’T YOU EVER FORGET.

HOUSE: Get out of here Samberg.

ANDY SAMBERG: ):

GUY WITH A GUN COMES RUNNING IN.

EVERYBODY IN THE ROOM: OH SHITTTTT PANTS.

HOUSE: Party pants!

CUDDY: LOL

GUY WITH GUN: EVERYBODY GET DOWN THIS IS A HOSTAGE SITUATION!

CAMERON: Chase I’m scared! Hold me!!!!

CHASE: I WANT MY KANGAROO DOLL!!!!!!

GUY WITH GUN: Does anybody know my name?

TAUB: Dmitri?

GUY WITH GUN: NO YOU IDIOTS I NEVER GOT A NAME BECAUSE THE WRITERS DIDN’T WANT TO!

THIRTEEN: Oh yeah you’re the guy who made me take all the medicines before you did!

HOUSE: Oh my god that is so fourteen episodes ago.

GUY WITH GUN: You’re all gonna die. And all your base are belong to us.

KUTNER: Sweeet, internet phenomena reference. High-five, dude. –high fives guy with gun-

AMBER: OMG I just noticed something!

WILSON: What, baby cakes?

AMBER: Every girl in this room is taken except for Cuddy!

(House and Cuddy glance at each other than quickly look away)

SHIPPERS: -FLAIL-

TAUB: My wife has “Single Ladies” as her ringtone.

CHASE: OMG SO DO I! Props, girlfrand.

CAMERON: Omg I’m so totally marrying a gay guy.

AMBER: It’s okay, Cam, I used to think my boyfriend was gay too.

WILSON AND HOUSE: GAY FOR WHO?!

THIRTEEN: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOREMAN: Stop it guys you’re legit making my girlfriend horny.

GUY WITH GUN: Omg that’s hot.

CAMERON: By the way Dr. Cuddy, whatever happened with Rachel?

CHASE: Who’s Rachel?

CUDDY: She’s absolutely wonderful, Dr. Cameron! I set up a webcam for her so I can check on her every move on my laptop. You know, like puppy cam?

AMBER: OHHH WITH ALL THE CUTE PUPPIES?

WILSON: I love you baby.

KUTNER: I am totally setting one up for my goldfish.

TAUB: My wife had one installed in my car so she could make sure I wasn’t cheating on anybody.

HOUSE: That’s called a GPS, you idiot. You’re fired.

TAUB: Seriously?

HOUSE: No. I’m not allowed to fire you, because then my ratings would go down.

THIRTEEN: What ratings? You do know that Chuck has the same timeslot now. They’re stealing all the viewers.

WILSON: Yeah but we have shippers.

HOUSE: What about strippers?

CUDDY: What’d you say about me?

AMBER: OMG LET’S DISCUSS SHIPPER NAMES!!!

GUY WITH GUN: Holy shit I ship Huddy all the way.

THIRTEEN: Nah I’m leaning towards the Wuddy.

TAUB: The cup is always half empty for me.

WILSON: I ship Wilson/Amber.

HOUSE: I believe they call it Wilamber.

CUDDY: No way it’s definitely Ambson.

KUTNER AND CAMERON AND CHASE: HUDDY! HUDDY! HUDDY! HUDDY!

HOUSE: Cuddles you won’t believe what the fangirls say about you.

CUDDY: OMG WHAT?

HOUSE: That you’re hot and people would go gay/straight for you.

CUDDY: Omg they should see me in bed.

HOUSE: I know right.

FANGIRLS: -FLAIL-

GUY WITH GUN: Hello I have a gun, you know.

CUDDY: Oh yeah get out of this hospital you’re causing unnecessary ruckus.

THIRTEEN: Hey guys remember when I kissed that girl?

KATY PERRY: Yes.

GUY WITH GUN: Okay I’m gonna go now. The finale better be better than your mom.

DAVID SHORE: Muahahaha.

GUY WITH GUN LEAVES.

AMBER: Jimmy, baby, I have to go back to heaven. My time is running out and God has to take me back now. BYE, WILLY, I’LL MISS YOU!

WILSON: No I can’t deal with this emotional trauma! I’m going to go lay down on the mattress we shared together and sob over a cheesy note that she left under the pillow! Boo!

AMBER FLOATS INTO THE SKY AND WILSON RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM.

MEANWHILE, CHASE AND CAMERON ARE MAKING OUT.

CAMERON: I want to marry you, and I no longer have any hesitation whatsoever. I will marry you tomorrow in Las Vegas if that’s what you want!

CHASE: No I want to get married in Australia. Next to kangaroos and koala bears and we will have a ceremony at Outback Steakhouse.

CAMERON: OKAY.

CHASE AND CAMERON LEAVE HAPPILY.

MEANWHILE, FOREMAN AND THIRTEEN ARE MAKING OUT.

FOREMAN: So, I was thinking, I know you’re bi and all, but I think I’m okay with that as long as you promise to be loyal.

THIRTEEN: Eric, I have Huntington’s.

FOREMAN: Okay you’re right. I’ll call the stripper.

FOREMAN AND THIRTEEN LEAVE.

MEANWHILE, TAUB AND KUTNER ARE NOT MAKING OUT. THANKS FOR TRYING, THOUGH.

TAUB: So, when do you have to get back to your important political work?

KUTNER: IDEK Obama Llama lets me use his office sometimes when I’m bored.

TAUB: That’s so cool. Can I visit?

KUTNER: DUH OBVS. If you’re lucky, we can catch Bill Clinton and that secretary person woman making out.

TAUB: Sweet sauce.

TAUB AND KUTNER LEAVE.

MEANWHILE, HOUSE AND CUDDY ARE HAVING SOME UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION TIMES.

HOUSE: So, about that date.

CUDDY: No.

HOUSE: But MOMMM.

CUDDY: FINE. But you have to promise not to be all in denial and all after.

HOUSE: I brought condoms!!!!1!!!!

CUDDY: All right, let’s get out of here.

FANGIRLS: -FLAIL-

THEEEEE ENDDDDDDDDDDDDDD