Chapter 17: Introductions Gone Awry and the Ultimate Evil

GIBBON!! GIBBON!! GIBBON!! GIBBON!! GIBBON!! GIBBON!! GIBBON!! GIBBON!!

A/N: Well, that was fun. Next time, I’ll try repeating ‘MUFFIN!!’ across the top of the page. Just in case you couldn’t tell, this means I am in a particularly odd mood today. *laughs maniacally*

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

SHOUT-OUTS…FROM THE PAST!!!!:

Mercury Gray: It helped! Really? Turns and smiles at Naoko To Naoko: See? I told you that flame thrower would come in handy. Turns back to Mercury Gray And you are correct, mellon nin. Richard Dean Anderson is a much better Jack O’Neill than Kurt Russell is. Actually, Richard Dean Anderson is a much better ‘anything’ than Kurt Russell is. My apologies to any Kurt Russell devotees.

A.E. Hall: Don’t feel bad about the Stargate thing. I watch it quite often and I still find myself getting confused at times. Of course, that could be because I’ve missed the first six seasons. Yes, I did find that Puddleglum fic VERY disturbing. Ew. Speaking Elvish in reviews is never cheesy. I love it when reviewers speak Elvish. Or I guess it would be ‘type’ Elvish. Hey, did you know that my spell-check wants to change the word ‘elvish’ to ‘elvis’? Now there’s a mental picture. *Legolas swings his hips to ‘Jailhouse Rock’, his blonde hair in a pompadour, while Haldir, Elladan, and Elrohir dance on a jail set in the background*

Julia: Yes! Someone got a kick out of Daniel comparing Sauron to Mr. Burns. Glad you liked that. And Smithers would definitely be the Mouth of Sauron. I don’t think you have to worry about Jack’s Beretta. Sam has it safely tucked away.

Naoko: Did you like the way I opened this chapter? Hee-hee. Thank you for the insight into your mind. I’m glad that you understand the characters a little more now. By the way, the website posted both of your reviews, so you are safe and sound.

Athena Diagon Cat: Teal’c is extremely cool. And Daniel and Jack are extremely hot.

For the first time in a long time, Jack O’Neill was speechless. He vaguely remembered what this Rivendell place had looked like in the movie, but he was sure it wasn’t nearly as beautiful as the real Rivendell. Even the building Arwen had taken them to seemed, like Daniel had said earlier, to be full of enchantment.

She escorted SG-1 to a large room and indicated the bed for Daniel to lie on. He did so gratefully. Elladan and Elrohir also joined them, partly to help their sister and partly to keep an eye on these newcomers. Jack, never one to stand on formalities, sat down in a chair in one corner of the room. This was partially because he wanted to rest and partially because he wanted to be out of the way.

Teal’c stood next to Jack’s chair, but Sam watched with avid and curious eyes as Arwen began to work on the wound. She whispered a few words to Elladan, who left quickly. Sam became concerned.

“Is there something wrong?” she asked. Arwen looked up and shook her head reassuringly.

“No. I am just not familiar with a wound like this. I need someone who knows more about these guns.”

Arwen had already heard the story of how Daniel came by his injury. ‘Of course,’ thought Jack ‘Daniel just happened to forget to mention that I didn’t know it was him.’ Surprisingly, though, it seemed that this Arwen person did not judge Jack for his actions. The fact that she had not questioned him about it left Jack rather stumped.

If he thought Anamaria was a strange person to find in Middle Earth, his jaw nearly hit the floor when Elladan returned with a dark-haired young woman. Daniel’s face went completely red when he saw her.

“You’re Evelyn O’Connell!” exclaimed Sam, whose passion for the Mummy movies was legendary. Jack noticed the color of Daniel’s face and grinned. Even though he had gone on and on about how the Egyptian dialect was spoken all wrong and how the archeology was completely incorrect, Daniel hadn’t been able to hide the fact that he found the heroine of the movie very attractive.

If Evelyn was disconcerted by the fact that these strange people seemed to know her name, she didn’t mention it. Instead, she went right up to the bed and took a look at the ever-reddening Daniel’s leg.

“It’s not as bad as it could be,” she said in her melodic British accent. At the same time, she cast a meaningful glance towards Jack. He found that the condemning gaze of her chocolate eyes made him feel even worse and he slumped into the chair. Satisfied, Evelyn concentrated fully on the wound, explaining to Arwen what needed to be done and reassuring the rest of SG-1 that Daniel would be just fine.

“So, you’re saying you need our help?” Jack asked. Daniel was asleep, Evelyn and Arwen having agreed that rest was the best thing for him, and Elizabeth and Haldir remained with him. The rest of SG-1 had been led to a place both Sam and Teal’c recognized as the council area where the Fellowship was formed. After all the introductions, which had served to overwhelm even Jack, Arwen had told the members of SGC what their quest was.

“I wouldn’t say that we ‘need’ your help,” Eowyn replied somewhat snappishly. She was finding it difficult to get along with Jack O’Neill, a problem most people had until they truly got to know him and saw exactly what type of person he was. Arwen shot her friend a glance that clearly said ‘Calm down’.

“We would like for you to join us, of course,” Arwen said smoothly. “But we understand if you feel that it is not your place. I believe you would be valuable allies.”

The three friends exchanged glances. None of them could deny that it sounded like fun. While neither Jack nor Teal’c had really been bothered too much by Mary Sues, they both knew that Daniel had experienced those evil apparitions more than a few times. Slash was something Jack did not even want to let his mind rest upon. For the most part, however, SG-1’s fanfiction experience was limited to the occasional romance, some humor, and quite a bit of action. Sam knew for a fact that Daniel was getting tired of being killed off, then resurrected. It was bad enough in canon, but fanfiction took it to a whole new level. And General Hammond, the man in charge of the entire Stargate operation, had given them all a thorough chewing out just a few days ago because of the havoc fanfiction was wreaking upon the SGC. Sam motioned to Jack to lean over. She put a hand to his ear and whispered. The Fanfiction Fellowship watched this scene with interest as Jack’s face changed expressions several times. When Sam drew back, Jack looked over at Teal’c, who merely nodded his head.

“Okay. We’re in,” Jack said. Arwen let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

“Good,” she said. “Now I am not sure what these fanfiction authors will have in store for us next, but things have been rather quiet for the past few hours. With the exception of your arrival, of course.”

Sam opened her mouth to ask a question, but closed it again, clearly surprised when she saw a young woman hurrying towards them. Everyone else followed her gaze and they were relieved when they saw who it was. When she finally reached them, Elizabeth paused only for a moment, her gaze travelling over the newcomers before she finally spoke.

“Arwen, the young man is awake and keeps asking for someone called Janet. I’ve tried to talk to him, but all he’ll say is ‘I want Janet’.”

Arwen looked at the SG-1 team and saw that they were all trying to hide their own emotions at the sound of that name. Even Teal’c, he of the mono-expression, looked somewhat sad. It was Jack who finally spoke up.

“I’ll go to him,” he said in a low voice. He started back towards The Last Homely House, but Sam stopped him.

“No. I’ll go, sir.”

No one missed the intense gazes that both Jack and Sam held for a brief moment. Nor did they miss the fact that Sam’s hand was placed on Jack’s arm very gently. Jack finally broke the silence.

“Alright, Sam.”

“I will accompany you,” said Arwen. Sam nodded and the two made their way towards Daniel’s room. In the meantime, Eowyn noticed that Elizabeth was looking at both Teal’c and Jack in a very curious way. Since Arwen was gone, Eowyn took it upon herself to introduce the three to each other. Elizabeth had not yet met the other members of SG-1.

“Elizabeth, this is Teal’c,” Eowyn said, indicating the Jaffa. “Teal’c, this is Elizabeth Swann.”

Teal’c surprised Elizabeth by inclining his head and saying sincerely,

“It is a pleasure, MissSwann.”

“Call me Elizabeth,” replied the governor’s daughter, caught off guard by the imposing Teal’c’s polite manner. He inclined his head again in agreement and Elizabeth found herself facing the other man.

“Colonel O’Neill, this is Elizabeth. Elizabeth, meet Colonel O’Neill.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Colonel,” Elizabeth said.

“It’s nice to meet you, as well, Miss Swann. But there's no need to be so formal. You can call me Jack.”

And thus the temporary peace of Rivendell was shattered again.

Upstairs, Arwen, Sam, Haldir, and Daniel, were quickly made aware of the fact that all was not well outside. Suppressing the groan that tried to escape from her lips, Arwen went out onto the balcony to see if she could find out what had happened now. Sam was close behind her, followed by Haldir and a very stubborn Daniel, who simply refused to stay in bed any longer.

The council area was in chaos. Eowyn, Anamaria, and Anck were trying to calm Elizabeth down. Celia, Elladan, and Elrohir were reassuring the Pevensies and Prince Caspian, who had all been rather frightened by the young woman’s sudden outburst. The Hobbits could only stare at the raving lunatic who had seemed like such a nice, normal person since they’d known her. Teal’c stood on the outer rim of the activity, knowing that he couldn’t help with this problem and Sam just knew that he had one of his eyebrows arched as he took in the scene.

And in the middle of this chaos stood Jack O’Neill. Haldir thought privately that he had never seen a man look so confused in his entire life. The colonel was asking something, but he could not be heard above the noise of Elizabeth’s hysterics. In a bizarre coincidence, though, Haldir just happened to be an expert at reading lips.

“He’s saying ‘What did I say?’” replied Haldir. That told Arwen everything she needed to know, but the other three were still confused.

“Jack must have been introduced to Elizabeth,” she said simply, as if that should explain the whole thing. It explained the situation to Haldir, but Sam and Daniel were still at a loss. Arwen told them about Elizabeth’s confusion regarding her love life and the two friends began to realize the problem.

“What are we going to call Jack?” Daniel asked. Sam shrugged. She usually called him ‘sir’ anyway.

“I suppose we’re just going to have to call him by his last name,” Arwen replied, though she hated the idea. It seemed so cold and impersonal to call someone by their last name.

“I think that is the least of our problems, Lady Arwen,” Haldir said. Arwen looked over at the Marchwarden, who pointed to a distant cluster of trees. She followed the line of his finger and then paled.

“Oh, Eru. Not again. Haldir, stop them. I don’t care what you have to do, but keep them out of Rivendell until we can get Elizabeth inside and away from them.”

Haldir didn’t have to be told twice. He was off like a shot, leaving Sam and Daniel staring in amazement at the empty spot he had occupied only moments before.

“I have to warn them and get Elizabeth inside,” Arwen said, turning and leaving the room. Sam and Daniel had a silent battle of wills before Sam finally gave in and let Daniel come outside with her. Daniel, of course, had to lean against Sam for support and so it was rather slow going. By the time they got outside, they could see that Haldir had been unsuccessful in his mission.

There was a new guest in Rivendell and his name was Legolas. Had Sam understood Elvish, she would have known that Arwen was calling the Prince of Mirkwood many things at the moment, but his actual name did not escape her lips. Daniel did understand Elvish and was more than slightly taken aback that Arwen Undomiel, the Queen of Gondor, the Evenstar of her people, knew such language.

If Elizabeth had been hysterical before, she was downright insane now. She pulled against the people who held her firmly, struggling to break free and run away. Her gaze switched from Jack to Legolas over and over, her mind not comprehending why Will had blond hair or why Jack suddenly didn’t look like Jack at all. At least not like the Jack she knew.

Arwen was at a loss. She had tried whispering in Quenya and Sindarin, had tried soothing Elizabeth in the common tongue. Nothing was working. Frustrated, she pulled back from Elizabeth and then let her fist fly. It connected with Elizabeth’s jaw and the girl slumped. The council area was deathly quiet.

No one moved. It is quite possible no one breathed. Arwen looked at the prostrate form of Elizabeth Swann and was assailed by guilt. Reaching down and trailing the girl’s jaw line gently, she was relieved that she didn’t feel anything resembling a break. Taking a few deep breaths, she turned to Elladan and Elrohir.

“Elrohir, would you take her into her room and make sure that she is comfortable? Elladan, I need you to fix up one of those poultices Ada always made for you and Estel when you were hurt. I can’t think of anything that will stop the swelling faster than that. Eowyn, will you go with them?”

All three nodded. Elrohir swept Elizabeth up into his arms with a strength that belied his seemingly slender frame and started for his home. Elladan and Eowyn followed him closely. Still, no one in the council area spoke. Arwen took a few more deep breaths to calm herself, but when she turned and found herself staring into a very familiar pair of sapphire eyes, it was obvious to everyone that her attempts to calm herself had been in vain.

“What in the name of the Valar are you doing here?” she asked in a very low, very dangerous tone. Legolas did not seem to be afraid.

“I am looking for Haldir. He was not in Lothlorien, but Lord Celeborn would not tell me where he was. Tell me, Arwen. Is he here?”

Arwen started to reply when her eyes caught a flash just over Legolas’ shoulder. When she looked at the flash closely, she saw that it was Gimli’s axe. He was hiding and trying to get her attention. The dwarf’s head soon appeared and, when he saw that Arwen was looking at him, he began to shake his head vehemently. Arwen arched an eyebrow, but decided that she could find out what this was all about later. Whatever was going on, it was obvious that Legolas wasn’t himself.

“I have not seen Haldir today, Legolas. It is possible that he is circling the area with our border guard. Glorfindel, have you had word of Haldir today?”

‘Now what did I do to make her drag me into this?’ thought Glorfindel. Said Glorfindel, “No, my lady. But the border guard is due back this evening. I am sure he will be with them when they return.”

“Very well. Legolas,” she continued, adopting a sugary sweet smile to match her tone, “why don’t you remain with us tonight? It has been such a long time since you came to Rivendell and I know my brothers will be anxious for a good, long talk with you.”

“Will Haldir be staying here tonight as well?”

This whole thing was starting to become clearer with every word the Mirkwood Elf spoke. Arwen nodded.

“Yes, Legolas. Haldir is here on an extended stay, actually. I had need of his services for security purposes. Glorfindel, why don’t you show Legolas to a room? It is a long journey from Lothlorien and I am sure that he is tired.”

“Thank you, Arwen. I would like to rest a bit before Haldir arrives.”

Legolas headed for the house and Arwen motioned Glorfindel over to her. She whispered very quietly so Legolas couldn’t hear.

“Take him to the room next to Ada’s old room. There is no balcony there and it is the only room with a solid lock on the door. Do not, under any circumstances, let him out.”

Glorfindel nodded in acknowledgement and hurried to catch up with the Elven prince. As soon as Legolas was out of sight, Arwen heard a voice at her waist.

“I am glad that you saw my signal, Lady Arwen.”

“As am I, Gimli,” Arwen replied, looking down at the Dwarf and smiling. In spite of the situation, she was glad to see her friend. It wasn’t long before Haldir’s face poked out of the trees.

“Is he gone?”

“Yes, Master Elf. You can come down.”

Haldir dropped to the ground and made his way over to Gimli, giving the dwarf a grateful look.

“Thank you, Master Dwarf, for warning me earlier. Arwen had sent me to stop the two of you and, if Legolas had seen me, I think I might have been done for.”

“Well, you certainly would’ve been ‘done’,” Gimli couldn’t resist the dig and smirked when Haldir’s grateful look turned to a scowl. Arwen let it go, considering it a sign of just how far both Gimli and Haldir had come to allow for such remarks.

“Could someone tell me what the heck is going on here?” asked Jack, irritated because he didn’t understand anything that had just happened.

“A slash fic,” came the venomous reply. Everyone turned to the source of the voice and saw that Rosie Gamgee was struggling mightily to control herself. Diamond and Estella each moved to stand on either side of their friend. Diamond even took Rosie’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Rosie relaxed visibly.

“That crazy Elf was so quick, I could barely keep up with him,” Gimli became all business again. There would be time enough to tease Haldir later. “Somehow, though, I convinced him that it was safer for us to travel together than for him to travel alone.”

“You convinced Legolas to do something he did not want to do? I believe, Gimli, that you and I should sit down and have a long talk when all this is over with,” Arwen said, anxious to find out just how Gimli had persuaded Legolas to do something against his will. For as long as she had known him, Legolas had been incredibly stubborn. Not even Aragorn could sway him once he had made up his mind.

“Well,” she continued, turning her attention to the fellowship, “it seems as though we have just had our first encounter with ‘slash’. Does anyone have any ideas on how we should fight it?”

Silence.

“Anyone at all?”

Haldir was almost certain he heard crickets chirping all the way over in the Shire. Arwen sighed.

“If this is a slash fic,” Edmund asked, suppressing the shudder that ran through him, “then why isn’t Haldir acting the same way as Legolas?”

This was a good question. A very good question. Everyone pondered over Edmund’s thought for a while and it was Gimli who finally suggested an answer.

“Perhaps it is merely the beginning of the story, Lady Arwen,” he ventured. Arwen regarded him with interest.

“Continue, please, Gimli.”

“Perhaps this is why Legolas was in such a hurry to find Haldir. I myself have been the victim of many slash fics, as well you know, but not all of them start with my partner and me already together. It is possible that Legolas is seeking Haldir to tell him of his affections and it is also possible that the author of this story has not yet written anything about Haldir himself.”

It seemed like a very logical explanation. Arwen nodded thoughtfully as she considered it and the others in the group readily accepted the dwarf’s explanation.

“I realize that Haldir is not affected, yet, Arwen,” Celia spoke up, “but if we have Legolas locked up, wouldn’t it be best to do the same to Haldir? Just to be safe of course. I mean, what if the story affects him in the middle of the night, when all of us are asleep? He is more than capable of going to free Legolas and then where would we be? We have no idea how to fight the slash, yet.”

Haldir looked alarmed by Celia’s suggestion. Locked up? He couldn’t bear being locked up! This wasn’t fair! Why did all these ridiculous things happen to him? He voiced his displeasure quickly.

“I cannot help it, Lady Arwen, if these authors persist in writing me into ridiculous situations. First, it was the songfic, then the Mary Sues, then the story with me and Lady Galadriel,” here he shivered, “and now me and Legolas. Truly, Arwen, I cannot control my actions.”

“Which is precisely why Celia’s suggestion is a good one. You cannot control your actions, Haldir, and that is not a good thing at this point in time,” Arwen grimaced, hating that she had to do this to her friend. “I am sorry, Haldir. But I am afraid I must agree with Celia about this. It is not something I take pleasure in. You know I value your friendship.”

Haldir sighed.

“I know, Lady Arwen. I just do not wish to be locked up as if I were a common criminal.”

“Did all that stuff really happen to him?” Daniel whispered to Anck, who was standing next to him. She nodded in reply and Daniel began to feel a pang of sympathy for the Lothlorien Elf. His scientific mind began to race. Perhaps he and Sam could devise something to protect Haldir. Perhaps they could create something for the whole fellowship. Quickly becoming lost in his thoughts, Daniel missed the very last part of the conversation.

“You will be taken, blindfolded, to another part of Rivendell. I do not think it would even be wise to let you stay in the same house as Legolas. Not until we figure out how to fight this. Until we come up with a solution, I am afraid you will have to remain in your quarters. Ah, Glorfindel.”

Glorfindel began to look wary at Arwen’s welcoming tone. The past five minutes of his life had been particularly unpleasant. Legolas had caught on to what was happening just as Glorfindel had escaped from the Mirkwood Elf. A tug of war over the door to the room had ensued, but Glorfindel had emerged victorious. Not without some scraped knuckles and a bruised shin where Legolas had somehow managed to kick him, though.

“Yes, Lady Arwen?” he asked carefully.

“Would you mind taking Haldir to another room? I believe it would be better for everyone concerned if both he and Legolas were out of harm’s way. I need you to take him, blindfolded, to new quarters. My only requirements are that they be comfortable and that the door have a lock.”

Glorfindel eyed Haldir suspiciously, as though he were suspecting the Marchwarden to panic at these words.

“I will not fight you, Glorfindel,” Haldir reassured him. Glorfindel did not seem so sure, though, as he blinded Haldir and led him away. As they walked, Haldir’s voice drifted back to the group.

“You know something, Glorfindel? This is the third time I have moved since arriving here. The hospitality of Rivendell is sorely lacking since its lord passed into Valinor.”

Arwen muttered a few more curses as she plopped ungracefully into the chair that her father had occupied so long ago during the Council of Elrond. Everyone eyed her sympathetically as she began to massage her temples. Headaches were still relatively new to Arwen. But it had only taken the first one to convince her that she thoroughly despised them. Lucy kneeled at Arwen’s feet and took one of her hands, patting it reassuringly.

“What is the trouble, Arwen?” she asked, knowing that it was more than this latest development with Haldir and Legolas.

“I do not see how we can battle these evils of fanfiction if we are constantly being affected by them ourselves,” Arwen’s tone bordered on despondent. She felt like she wanted to cry, but refused to give in to the urge. “I believe we have undertaken a quest that cannot be accomplished. What will we do?”

It was at this point that Daniel stepped forward, Sam at his side. Lucy looked admiringly at the archaeologist and Caspian noticed, but ignored the pang of jealousy that stabbed through him. Daniel’s blue eyes were alight with an expression that Jack and Teal’c knew well. Daniel Jackson had an idea.

“I believe, Lady Arwen, that if you give us a chance, Sam and I may be able to come up with a solution to this problem.”

A/N: Dun, dun, dun! What’s the solution? What scheme is cooking underneath that impossibly gorgeous head of hair? Tune in next time to find out the answer!