All things Twilight belong to the amazing Stephenie Meyer. Happy TGUT Tuesday :)

Transgression Vs.Indispensability

Comparing photos then and now, now and then,
Just wondering…(wondering) where it all went wrong
It's complicated,
(This time I think it could be)
Triangulated,
Loose Ends - Imogen Heap

Time.

I asked for it and I got, and I still had no answers. Another two weeks had passed since I'd pep talked myself and not much had changed at all. I was still riddled with guilt every time I was in the vicinity of both men, because I was forced to think about the one thing I could avoid when I was alone with Edward. My undiminished love for Jasper.

Alice had been trying to get me to talk about it, but I couldn't keep depending on her to give me answers, to help me work through this mess I had created. I was the one that induced this and I needed to find a solution.

I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

"You ready to go, gorgeous?" Edward asked, sticking his head in my room.

"I am," I said, giving him a smile. It used to make me blush when he used terms of endearment for me, but now it was more unusual if he didn't call me by one.

We were all going out to dinner in Port Angeles tonight for Jacob's birthday. Alice had been planning it for weeks, she wanted to make sure he had the perfect birthday because he'd made her eighteenth so magical. I didn't even ask what that was, her blush told me everything I didn't want to know.

I took the hand Edward offered me and let him guide me out of my room, and down the stairs where Alice and Jasper were waiting for us. Jasper had arranged to meet us here so Alice wouldn't have to make too many stops along the way.

I didn't miss the tightening of Edward's hand around my own when Jasper's eyes lit up at the sight of me. I'd been noticing that more and more lately. Even though he never tried to be anything other than a friend to me, it seemed he found it harder and harder to hide his emotions around me. I wasn't the only one to notice either. Edward had made a comment about that on more than one occasion.

"You two ready to go?" Alice asked, pulling on her coat and heading towards the front door. We had to pick up Jacob, so we were leaving early to get there on time for our reservations.

"I am," I grinned. "Let me just grab my coat."

I hurried to the closet under the stairs and pulled my jacket out, I didn't want to make us late so I was trying to be mindful of the time. Edward, ever the gentleman, took the jacket from me and held it open.

I slipped my arm inside the first sleeve and turned to face him as I slid the other into the hole. His body was closer to mine than I'd thought, his heat seemed to fill the small space between us. When he pulled the two sides of the jacket together at the front, he used his hold on the fabric and pulled me to him, his lips brushing mine.

"You look beautiful, Bella," he whispered, his forehead resting gently against mine.

"Thank you," I giggled nervously, raising my eyes to meet his. "You don't look half bad yourself."

He leaned down into me and pressed his lips against my neck as he reached into the closet and pulled out his jacket. He nibbled gently on the skin there, making my breathing hitch in my chest and a shiver run down my spine, just before stepping back and pulling on his jacket. There was a small smile on his lips as he realized that my breathing had picked up a little with his affectionate display.

"What was that for?" I grinned. Taking his offered hand.

"Do I have to have a reason to kiss you?" he laughed, squeezing my hand as he guided us back to the door. The foyer was empty, which meant that Alice and Jasper were already in the car waiting for us.

Edward pulled the front door to the house closed behind us and walked us to where the Yukon was sat. He opened the door and followed me in after I slid into the middle of the seat. I settled in, smoothing out my wrap dress.

The car was silent as we drove to the small town on the coast, and the tension could be cut with a knife. I wasn't sure what had changed since the last time we'd all hung out, which just happened to be yesterday, but the air was so much thicker now. It was even more coagulated than it had been that day at Rosalie's house.

It wasn't until we pulled up to Jacob's house that I realized where the melting pot of emotions were stemming from. Jasper had slid from the front seat the moment Jacob had come in to view and opened the door on the other side of me. He was going to be sitting in the back with us, I was going to be sitting between him and Edward. Why the hell didn't I see this sooner?

My heart pounded in my chest at the proximity of his body to mine. He slid into the seat next to me with a subtle ease. His smell seemed to infiltrate my mind and the heat flooded my cheeks as our thighs touched. The one thing I hadn't done since we had become friends was touch him, and this was exactly the reason why. The electricity that charged between us seemed to crackle in the small space making the tension grow even more palpable.

Edward shifted in his seat and brought his arm over my shoulder as he pulled me into his side. Cool air immediately replaced the warmth of Jasper's body next to mine. I didn't want to feel the disappointment coursing through my body but it was there. It infiltrated my mind stirring up another batch of confusion mixed in with guilt for feeling those things when I was supposed to be with Edward.

The car ride to Port Angeles was perhaps even more maladroit after that. With Edward clearly staking his claim, Jasper was becoming, what I could only describe as, jealous. His eyes bore into where Edward's hands and arms touched my body, a small scowl played on his brow as he watched Edward's fingers absently brushing against my arm.

It was possibly the most uncomfortable car trip I had ever taken in my life, and that included the one after I'd been hit by a car. That crackling pop had been drowned out by the copious amounts of testosterone in the air. It was stifling. They continued to chatter away with Alice and Jacob as their silent battle commenced. I was the only one that wasn't talking, I couldn't, I felt a little claustrophobic.

I wanted to tell them both to stop it; they were making things worse by puffing out their chests and trying to make a point. Today wasn't about any of this or us or the stupid decision I knew I had to eventually make, because in reality I had to make it. Giving Edward the choice was always a temporary solution. Now was not the time for this though. Today was Jacob's birthday and Alice had put a lot of effort into making this a good night for him.

By the time we got to Port Angeles I was practically ready to crack their skulls together. Jasper had made a point to let his hands sit at his side; his pinkie grazing my thigh whenever we hit a bump in the road or took a corner. Edward, seeing this, had made a point to hang his arm over my shoulder so his fingers would graze my breast when we hit bumps. I was now exhausted and my jaw was hurting from clenching my teeth together.

I knew this was all my doing but they didn't have to react to one another like this.

As soon as Alice had parked and we were in the restaurant being seated, she excused us and dragged me to the bathroom. I had been silent from the moment Jasper had climbed in the back seat, even though everyone else seemed to be chattering along happily as I was pulled between them in their mental game of tug-o-war.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't think either of them would do that. I don't know what the hell got into them but I will be saying something to them tomorrow."

"It's my fault, Alice. I'm the one that put the two of them in this position to begin with."

"That's bullshit and you know it, Bella. Do they really think acting like a pair of cavemen will change your mind? What about that little display was endearing? None of it, it was a urinating competition to see who could piss the other one off."

"Just let it go. I'll deal with it later." I could hear the defeat in my own tone.

"No, they will not be pulling that shit on the way home, one of them can sit in the trunk if they want to act like that, and I'm not above pulling to the side of the road to make it happen either."

I smiled and kissed her on the temple before tugging on her hand. "Come on, it's Jacob's birthday. You're the one he wants to spend time with. Not Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum."

Alice looped her arm through mine and walked me out of the bathroom.

I was sat between Alice and Edward, but facing Jasper. It was another awkward position to be in, but Alice seemed to keep them both in check with a single glare. We managed to make the birthday dinner enjoyable for Jacob too. Things were finally becoming relaxed again and I wasn't even sure I wanted to get in the car to go home just yet. I didn't want to have to deal with it all again, we were just starting to have fun. Getting stuck between Edward and Jasper in another testosterone fueled feud wasn't my idea of a good time.

I knew that Alice and Jacob would want to be alone, so I let it go. We made our way out of the restaurant and to the car. I sat in the middle again but neither Edward nor Jasper bothered me this time.

The drive back to Forks was a quiet one, and after forty five minutes of nothing being said, I decided to take the initiative and start the conversation. The silence was making me more nervous than if they had been screaming at one another.

"Are we doing anything tomorrow? I watched the weather and it said it was going to be a warmish day again." The weather Bella?

Everyone looked at me; Alice's eyes were watching me in the rear view mirror full of humor. I wasn't one of those people that could pull an interesting and relevant conversation out of thin air, and the silence was driving me to distraction.

"We could go to the lake?" Alice said after one beat too many, she was making me suffer. "Take a picnic and a football, just relax a little."

"Do you think it will be warm enough to swim? It's been warm the last couple days."

"We can see when we get there. It's doubtful, but eh, cold water never hurt anyone."

"No, hypothermia never killed anyone," Edward laughed sarcastically.

"You know what I mean, Edward. Quit being a smart ass. You in?"

"Can't, going to the Mariners game with Dad again."

"Jasper?" Alice asked, looking in the rear view again.

"Sure, could be fun." He looked at me as he said it. I couldn't stop my heart from reacting to the way his eyes drank me in. There was nothing leery or lewd about it, more curiosity. I think he was attempting to gauge my reaction to his accepting of the invitation. My heart was a traitor, but externally, I held it together because I knew I had an audience.

The same couldn't be said for Edward; he tensed beside me and I heard the slight click of his jaw as he clenched it. I knew that he hated that we were going to go ahead and go to the lake without him, but I couldn't cancel just because he wasn't there. That would hurt Jasper's feelings.

It was always such a balance with the two of them, always tipping one way or the other with anything I did. I hated that their feeling were so connected to my decisions. I more often than not arranged what I was doing to keep Edward feeling comfortable with the situation, but I couldn't always do that. I couldn't live my whole life around whether he was comfortable or not. If he didn't trust me, which, in all honesty, he had no reason to, what we had would never go anywhere.

That was if I ever made my damn mind up and stopped hurting the two people I want to make happy.

Tomorrow was just another day with friends, not a date. Just a group of us together going to the lake to enjoy the weather. At least that's what I kept telling myself, because it didn't stop the guilt from flooding my system again. So again, I tried to make things more comfortable.

"Maybe we could invite some of the people from the Reservation and make a day of it?" I asked timidly, averting my eyes from Jasper. He wasn't stupid, he knew what I was doing just as well as I did, but I didn't want to see the twinge of pain dance behind the blue that had held a spark of happiness.

Alice nodded, always seemingly attuned to what I was trying to do. "That would be fun. I know Seth loves playing football, and Leah kicks ass as a quarter back. Girls against guys?"

I smiled and nodded, not that I would be playing. I was just hoping that a larger group would appease Edward. We chatted easily the rest of the way home. The lake was something Alice apparently loved, Jacob and her bantered playfully about her dragging him there in the middle of winter, and the time they got stuck on the trail and had to have Emmett come pull them out with his Jeep.

The three of us talked all the way back to Forks, while Edward and Jasper stayed silent on either side of me. For once, I ignored them, I wasn't going to let them dampen the jovial spirit that the rest of us were sharing. If they wanted to sulk, so be it.

We pulled up to the Masen’s house a little while later. Edward, Jasper and I climbed out. Jasper had driven here so it would be easier for Alice to take off with Jacob once we got back. Edward said goodbye to Alice and Jacob, but ignored Jasper completely, strolling to the house and walking through the door without so much as a backward glance. I knew he was frustrated I tried my hardest not to judge him for his actions.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," I grinned, waving at them as Alice pulled away slowly, her eyes moving to the front door and back to me with an apologetic look. I gave her a reassuring smile; I wasn't worried too much about Edward. Once I got inside and things got somewhat back to normal, he'd be fine. At least, I hoped it would be.

I watched as her Yukon disappeared down the drive, and turned to face Jasper. We weren't alone very often, and I hated to admit how it was to just be me around him. There was no awkwardness in the silence between us, just peaceable companionship.

"You gonna be okay here?" he asked, his eyes flicking to the house and then to me. His arm reached out almost instinctively and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His fingers on my skin sent a small shiver down my spine and I stepped away. I hated to fight my natural instinct again, but I had to do it.

"Goodnight, Jasper."

"Night, Bella."

I turned around and walked to the house, fighting the urge to turn around and look at him. I stepped in the door and closed it behind me, making my way to the stairs. That night I did the same as I had every night and fell asleep in Edward's arms.

We went to the lake as we'd planned the next day. Nothing out of the blue happened at all, it was simply us playing football, me watching of course, and basking in the sun of the rarely warm weather we seemed to be having. We laughed and attempted to swim in the freezing water, I tried to avoid being alone with Jasper as much as I could, but I was still drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

We were only friends though. I had to keep telling myself that.

The more time that passed brought with it more confusion. I enjoyed every moment I spent with Edward but felt guilty when I talked to Jasper, and the more I talked to Jasper, the guiltier I felt about spending time with Edward. It was a never ending hornet’s nest of emotion, buzzing around with every decision I made.

I was losing sleep and my appetite over the whole situation, it was entirely my fault.

Everything I did affected one, the other, or both of them. I felt terrible and knew I couldn't look much better, and unfortunately it didn't go unnoticed. Whether it was Alice or both she and Jasper together, they had made an appointment for me to see Carlisle under the pretense that he wanted to check out my leg again. I had taken the cast off a month after seeing him that first time and refused to go back.

It had been a little over two weeks since my appetite had diminished and my sleeping had lessened, and the three of them were walking on eggshells around me. It wasn't as though I was over emotional and unstable; I was just a little tired and had lost a couple pounds. Jasper was coming to pick me up and take me to see Carlisle, they weren't letting me get out of it.

Edward and Alice were waiting with me outside, I think Alice was planning on stuffing me in the trunk if I didn't comply, and Edward was on my other side, an amused smirk on his lips as he watched my aggravation seep through. My body language spoke volumes, arms crossed, foot tapping and my teeth, worrying my bottom lip. I was so predictable.

"Will you relax," he chuckled in my ear. His hand rubbing circles on my back.

"I don't need to go, I'm fine," I insisted for the twentieth time in the last hour. "Nothing is wrong with me."

"Stop being so dramatic, Bella. He wants to make sure the leg healed properly. You're being a baby about this."

"Thanks, Alice. I love you, too!"

I heard the distinct sound of tires on gravel and looked up to see Jasper's car pulling up the driveway. My run in with the front of it no longer a visible reminder of how we met. My traitorous heart slammed against my ribs as I saw the blond of his hair. It only reminded me of my constant confusion.

"I'll see you later, babe." Edward swooped down and pressed his lips against mine, before Alice could drag me to the passenger side of the car as it stopped in front of me. She'd wanted to come with us, but the Swan Bridge of Hope was almost ready for opening. It amazed me really, especially considering she'd started almost six months ago. It seemed Ty Pennington had nothing on Alice.

She pulled open the door for me and nodded with a serene smile, indicating I should do as I was told before she used brute force to get her own way. I rolled my eyes at her dramatics and climbed in next to Jasper and gave her a sarcastic smile.

"Bye, I love you," she laughed, pushing the door closed and stepping away. I pulled on my seat belt and waved weakly at the two of them as Jasper pulled away. Edward had wanted to tag along with us too, but seeing as Carlisle was Jasper's uncle and Jasper was taking me, he'd made up an excuse to bow out. He respected Carlisle, but wanted nothing to do with Jasper, so he'd volunteered to pick Rosalie and Emmett from the airport.

"Is this really necessary?" I asked as we pulled out onto the main road. "It's been months, and I haven't so much as limped once."

"Carlisle's good at what he does, Bella. He asked me how you were the other day, and told me he'd like to check you're leg."

"You're just as bad a liar as I am, Jasper. I know you and Alice put him up to this, I just want to know why?"

"You look sick."

I was; I was sick to my stomach every time I thought about what I was doing. All I had been doing for the last couple of weeks was thinking about how very wrong I was. I should have done the right thing. The only problem being, I wasn't sure I knew what the right thing was. Everything I had thought of had brought me more pain than I wanted to endure and I knew I was hurting everyone else at the same time. They didn't need to see me suffer like this.

"I'm fine."

Jasper flipped down the visor in front of me and flipped up a little plastic rectangle revealing a mirror.

"Have you looked at yourself lately? That," he said pointing to my reflection. "Is anything but fine!"

I stayed silent and really looked at myself for the first time in a while. My cheeks were sallow and drawn, dark circles seemed to hang under my eyes giving them the appearance of sinking into my face. They were right, I was a mess. Even my cheek bones jutted awkwardly from my face as though they weren't enough skin to cover them.

"Didn't think so."

"Not helping, Jasper."

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked, his hand closest to me twitching. I felt another roll of guilt and anger at myself as I found myself hoping he would do what his instinct was telling him to do. I yearned to feel his touch, yet the overwhelming guilt was too much for me to take.

"No, I just . . . I don't know what I want."

The silence in the car was heady, because the statement hung in the air like a lead balloon, it rolled around in awkward waves. I knew beyond a reasonable doubt that Jasper had read deeper in to that too, he knew there was more to that statement than a simple answer to his question. It was an answer to everything, every question I asked myself, every thought that rolled through my head. It was weighted with everything. Most of all, if you moved around the words and added some new ones, it came down to answering the question I knew he must want an answer to.

We rode the rest of the way in silence, Jasper looking at me panicked from time to time as we drove through town. I knew I should say something to clear the air, but I couldn't, I couldn't say a damn thing because I didn't know what to say.

I followed Jasper into the hospital, our bodies close as we walked through the sliding doors and towards the elevators. I wanted to break this silence between us, but we'd been silent for so long.

The elevator was empty when we stepped in, and I knew that I had to say something to him before this got anymore awkward than it already was.

"Thank you," I snapped, the words sounding tight and rehearsed. I tried to find a way to relax before I continued. "For everything, I know you're just trying to help."

"I care about you, Bella, we all do. Seeing you hurting like this is killing me. I just want to know how I can make you feel better."

"It's all me," I sighed, resting my hand on his arm lightly, trying with everything I could to ignore the spark that was still strong between us. I knew he felt it too, I could see the way his blinks got longer and the sadness filled his eyes. What the hell was I doing?

I dropped my hand as the doors slid open and set my stride with Jasper's as he headed towards the office. It was quiet on this floor, but I was sure that was due to it being after office hours. I wasn't surprised to see Esme's warm smile on the other side of the door. This time I was able to return it.

"Hello, Bella. It's good to see you again." She stood from her desk and floated towards me gracefully. She embraced me and kissed my cheek before stepping back.

"It's good to see you too, Esme." I grinned. I really meant it too. There was something about her genteel nature that made me feel immediately at ease. She just calmed me. She stepped to Jasper and pulled him into a hug as well, holding him at arms length so she could get a good look at him.

"You need to come over for dinner, or the girls will never forgive you." She chastised him gently with a warm smile. It was easy to see she adored her nephew.

Jasper's smile was broad as he nodded and kissed her cheek gently. "Tell them I'll be over soon."

She nodded and smiled at him but turned her attention back to me. "Okay, Bella. We've kept your file, and it's still a Jane Doe as you requested. Carlisle just wanted to make sure everything healed properly. So if I could have you jump on the scales again, that would be great."

I stepped forward and onto the medical looking scales with my hands at my sides. I knew this was going to be bad, I had gained weight in the last couple of months, but I could tell I was lighter than I had been the first time I'd come in here. Esme was a professional though and said nothing as she jotted down the numbers. She walked me into the room again and did the rest of the things she needed for Carlisle before he came in, taking my blood pressure and heart rate among them.

She told me to take a seat on the bed and I was happy not to have to undress again. It made me feel more comfortable, the examination was strictly for my leg and whatever else Jasper had asked him to do. Which quite frankly scared me in and of itself.

The room was quiet after Esme left and I almost wished for company. Having been in the presence of my friends for so long I hadn't realized how much of myself had changed. I had always been so content being alone. Even when Charlie was alive I had spent a lot of my time alone, even when he was home. Yet here I was now, craving to have someone here with me because I had been alone for ten minutes.

I was so lost in thought, I almost jumped when the door opened and Carlisle breezed in.

"Hello, Bella. Good to see you again," he smiled; he must have one hell of a bedside manner. I immediately felt relaxed.

"You too, Carlisle," I smiled, shuffling on the paper cover bed.

Carlisle pulled up the same stool as he had last time and perched on it opening the file he was holding. I felt instantly nervous as his silence continued.

"How have you been feeling?"

"Great, leg’s fixed up as good as new." I grinned; it seemed evasiveness wasn't my strong point either, because his frown was evident immediately.

"You've lost weight. From what Jasper and Alice were saying, you'd gained some while staying with them. They also said you haven't been eating or sleeping."

"I just have a lot on my mind."

"But you're not taking care of yourself."

"I know, I just . . ." I wanted to scream as the tears threatening to spill over my lids thickened my throat. I felt so weak.

"I don't know what's going on, Bella, but I can't help you unless you talk to me."

Tears fell down my cheeks silently; I was trying to verbalize everything in my own head. It sounded so stupid, it sounded adolescent, trivial even, but to me, it was my whole world.

"I have to make a decision, and I just, it's been hard!"

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

"I . . . I don't know how. It's hard to put into words, but I have to make a choice out of two good things, I can't choose, I can't say no to one."

"Well, how about you don't take either? Jasper mentioned something about this, he's been as vague as you have, but I think I know what the problem is. Maybe you need to choose yourself. Let go of them both so you have a chance to find what you need and want. You can't be concerned about them and hurting them, you have to look after yourself. How do you expect make a decision when you can even think in a straight enough line to feed yourself?"

I nodded. My fear of being alone without either of them crushed me again, but Carlisle's words made sense. I still had to make a decision, but I didn't have to be in the middle of them to choose. Could I do that? Could I stay away from them both until I made a decision? It seemed like such an easy answer maybe he was right. I had to find myself again before I could discover what I really wanted.

A/N: FINALLY, a voice of reason. An adult!

Next up is Jasper.

I would like to thank my wonderful Beta, Cravingtwilight, who is still working 14 hour days and managing to edit my chapters and correct grammar among others things ;) Thanks hun :)

To my hand holders, miztrezboo and bendingmirrors. As always I have to push their stories like crack because I love them. Miz is writing The Appointment and Where the Road meets the sun. I adore them, so cleverly infused with drama and humor, you can't help but love it. Then there's bending's Fall at Your Feet, which is beautiful and only her second fic. Thanks for the hand holding girls, and the talking me down from ledges ;)

To the girls on the Forum, Catmasters, Hev99, and Salix Caprea. You guys are amazing, thanks for the chats and questions. :)

To each and every one of you who review, thank you. I adore each and everyone of you for your questions comments and thoughts. You're all so passionate about the characters, you're all amazing, thank you ::HUGZ::

Much love and big hugz till next week ~Weezy~