Author’s Note: So, my friend has been reading a lot of those “Rules of” fics lately and she shares some of the good ones with me. I decided that I wanted to try my hand at writing one, hence this fic. Please assume that it's Prowl writing these rules.
Warnings: Humor, vaguely hinted slash, implied situations.
Disclaimer: I don’t own them and I’ve got so many restraining orders from my attempts that I can’t even leave the Washington/Oregon area!

Rules of the Ark

1. When on monitor duty, you are not allowed to spend your shift playing solitaire on the computer.
a)Nor are you allowed to spend it Googling yourself.
b)Downloading human porn onto Teletraan-1 is strictly forbidden

2. When reporting after a mission, do not start with “which version of the truth do you want?” because I will not be amused.

3. Plan A never works. Plan B only sometimes works. Plan C is usually your best bet, but when in doubt, use Plan D.
(Courtesy of Special Operations)

4. You are not allowed to practice Jet Judo on the Aerialbots.

5. Paintball is strictly forbidden.

6. Nothing in this galaxy is idiot-proof.
a) Nothing is Wheeljack-proof, either.

7. No more bets on who’s interfacing with who.
a) Ironhide is happily bonded to Chromia.

8. Do not push the little red button.

9. Do not attempt to leave the medical bay before Ratchet clears you.
a) This means you, Sideswipe.
b) This especially means you, Ironhide.

10. The Toaster Incident will never be mention again.
a) EVER.
b) Period.

11. Do not mess with the scientists.

12. In conjunction with the last rule, never, ever startle Wheeljack when he’s in his lab.
b) I should not have to say this!

13. Do not chase your fellow Autobots while exclaiming “Somebody needs a hug!”
a) Especially in front of human ambassadors.
b)You may do this to a Decepticon however.

14. The medics do know what’s best for you.
a) For the love of Primus, listen to them!

15. No more gossip in your mission reports!
a) Jazz may be interested, but I am not!

16. You are not allowed to paint the Ark.
b) Sunstreaker.

17. Pop music is hereby BANNED in the recreation room.
a) It is also banned from being played over the loud speakers.
b) Especially as a method of revenge.

18. All fire extinguishers must be maintained and checked at least once a month.
a) Wheeljack’s should be checked every week.

19. Do not mess with the security cameras.
a) They are there for a reason.

20. In relation to the last rule, you are never allowed to use our security cameras to film pornography.

21. Keep the production of illegal high-grade to a minimum.
a) Sideswipe is the only exception because, frag it, he’s good at it.

22. Do not threaten to immobilize the mini-bots with bumper stickers.

23. For the love of Primus, please, please do not read auto-mechanic handbooks like they’re porn scripts.

24. Stop bringing cats into the Ark!
a) Hound, I’m looking at you.
b) No, Bluestreak, you’re not exempt from this one, either.

25. Do not build pyramids out of empty energon cubes.
a) Not only do they waste space, they’re a hazard.

26. Do not switch the rec-room energon with high-grade.
a) We do not want a repeat of the Fourth of July fiasco.
b) Neither do the local human authorities.

27. Speaking of the Fourth of July, from henceforth, fireworks are strictly contraband.
a) I don’t care where you got them.

28. Pay your own Primus-damned speeding tickets, Sideswipe.
a) I don’t care how.

29. This is not M*A*S*H.
a) Stop calling Ratchet "Major Hoolihan"
b) Be nice to Radar. I mean First Aid.

30. Never tell Bluestreak to shut up.

31. Gears, no potatoes.
a) Sideswipe, don't even think about it.

32. All excursions must be cleared by Red Alert.
a) No exceptions.
b) You may not go over his head to Optimus Prime.
c) Sending in the Big Guns will not help. Leave Bluestreak and Fireflight out of it.

33. "Walking on Sunshine" is a song that will NEVER be sung around Sunstreaker.

34. Selling incriminating photos to our local slash-fanatics is strictly taboo.

35. Glitter wars are forbidden.

36. I never want to hear the words "Hey, guys! Watch this!" again.
a) Especially out of you, Jazz.

37. The Dinobots are not beasts of burden.
a) Nor are they to be used in the Annual Autobot Rodeo.

38. There is no such thing as the Annual Autobot Rodeo.

39. Stop calling Fireflight "The Hindenburg"
a) It is not funny.
b) His brothers do not appreciate it.

40. Beachcomber is not huffing the "good stuff."
a) Stop implying such nonsense.

41. I never want to see any of you on "COPS" or "America's Most Wanted"
a) I don't care what misunderstandings there might have been.

42. There is no conspiracy. Stop making Red Alert fritz.

43. The human ambassadors are not representatives of the Lollipop Guild.

44. Indoor hockey is strictly forbidden.

45. Blaster is not Uhura.
a) Ratchet is not Doctor McCoy.
b) Wheeljack is not Scotty.
c) In short, stop it with the Star Trek comparisons.

46. Rule 28 is hereby revoked. Yes, I do care.

47. Kool-Aid in the wash racks. This is a BIG no.

48. Stop harrassing the Portland Police.
a) And the Highway Patrol.

49. Hanging out in crowded parking lots and scaring the shoppers goes against what we stand for.
a) Stop doing it, Sideswipe.

50. Stop telling humans crude jokes about tail-gating.

Author’s Note: Credit to Ame for the bumper stickers and auto-mechanic handbook rules. Other jokes may be taken from various fan-created crack.