The life of a ladies' man

Alice en June

Disclaimer: Dude, I do not own 'Merlin', BBC does. But you know if I could own something or someone, I would own Bradley James. Also, the title was inspired by Leonard Cohen's 'The death of a ladies' name' because we, fanfiction writers are so original. The lines in italic are also from the aforementioned song. Also, if you're careful, there's a (somewhat lame) reference to Susanna Clarke's 'Jonathan Strange and Mr Norell' in the fic.

Character, Pairings: Merlin, Gwen. Merlin/Gwen, Arthur/Gwen, mentions of Merlin/OFC (if you can consider someone from a legend an OFC), Merlin/Morganna and Gwen/Lancelot.

Author's notes: You know I wanted a beta and my sister offered. If anyone else wants to be a beta for me afterwards, let me know.

I. Ah the man she wanted all her life was hanging by a thread
"I never even knew how much I wanted you," she said.

Merlin knows that Gwen likes him.

He does not need it to be pointed out by everybody because no, you can actually risk your life for your friend, and not just your girlfriend.

The first time he seriously considered the prospect of romance with Gwen was when Gaius brought it up.

'Boy, you will have to get married one of these days and Gwen is not a bad match.'

'Oh Gaius don't be like everyone else. Please?'

'Merlin,' he heavily sighs. 'You know you can't be very picky because otherwise you'll end up like me.'

He wants to tell his teacher that the reason he is not interested in Gwen is not because he's picky but his teacher has the last word. Gaius leaves the room before Merlin can come up with a retort.

Merlin considers it for a while.

He and Gwen are on a equal footing. She is not out of his reach, regarding class. She is funny, sweet and so strong.

And as he begins to notice in a few days, she is pretty.

She is not the conventional defition of beauty like Lady Morgana but her face has character. He likes the little things about her, like the way she smiles and how tendrils of brown hair come loose and fall on her face.

Sometimes, he thinks of these things when he is studying. And then he makes mistakes so he stops thinking about her while he studies.

He still thinks of her.

Sometimes, when she isn't looking, he will catch a glimpse of her collarbone and he will smile.

He thinks of courting her. He thinks that one day he will walk her home and then talk to her about this.

The day he thinks of this, Arthur falls under the spell of a sorcerer. Merlin curses himself because he thinks that had he been more cautious and more alert, this wouldn't have happened. He lifts the spell and later that week, he walks Gwen home. The plan is forgotten and the conversation they have on the way home is for the most friendly.

'You know things were much simpler when we were young.'

Gwen smiles, wistfully.

When they were younger they both thought of better lives, of better days.

'I know.'

Merlin smiles, too.

'I used to think I would marry Alex. We would have children and we would live in the woods or something like that.'

'The woods?' Merlin laughs, bemused and amused.

'Well, yeah. I was a child.' She laughs with him. 'Sometimes I think of marriage. Do you not?'

He blushes.

'Well yes, but I'm not ready.'

'Well, you have to be ready sometime or you're going to end up being an old maid,' she teases.

He isn't concerned about being old maid, surprisingly enough.

ii. She took his blonde madonna and his monastery wine -
"This mental space is occupied and everything is mine."

Merlin realizes that he made a mistake when Morganna tells him at the ball that he is insensitive. How dare he look at other girls while Guinevere is pining away for him? Arthur, of course, cuts in and says, 'Why yes, Merlin, how dare you not consider your girlfriend's feelings?'

Merlin half-replies, 'I do not know, sire, why are you such a prat?'

Of course, it sounds ridiculous in his mind and he does not say it.

One would think that Gwen would be in a corner sobbing by now but the only sign she shows of being hurt was when she sighs after Merlin says, 'Oh, isn't Duana something to behold?'

Later, Merlin walks Arthur to his chambers and ponders on how much happier he would have been, had he and Arthur been interested in each other.

They could have simple conversations, nobody would be asking questions like, 'Do I look good in this?' because the reply would be, 'Who cares? You're a prat.' And if Merlin had the temerity to look at attractive women, then Arthur would not have cared; Arthur would have appreciated the same women, of course.

The only problem (and let's face it, they have both so much for each other that class and magic are irrelevant) would be sex. However, he and Arthur would be interested in sex so despite initial disgust, they would have figure out how to get about business or they would get a girl between them or they would each get a girl separately. And if they urgently needed to fulfill their needs? Well, they would have to figure out a way to go about business without a girl. That would be practical.

It is in this moment that Merlin realizes that he may actually be unnatural, in all senses of the word.

He laughs and Arthur laughs with him.

The two men then look at each other apprehensively.

Merlin prays that the prince does not possess the powers of mind reading.

'What's so funny, Merlin?' The blond asks suspiciously.

The sorcerer stares.

Everything had gone downhill after he realized Gwen has feelings for him.

She has made him consider homosexuality with someone who might be the biggest idiot in all of Camelot.

'Nothing, sire.'

The rest of the walk is short, but alas uncomfortable.

iii. I'll never see a face like yours in the years of men to come

I'll never see these arms again in wrestling or in love

'Merlin,' she looks away from the starry sky.

The grass is cool and soft beneath their backs.

He does not look at her.

He stares hard at the dark sky and wonders if he could get lost there.

He swallows.

'I like you.'

It's kind of anti-climatic when she says it.

'I like you too,' he says.

He's surprised by how easily he found his voice.

'I really, really like you.' Her voice is firm.

There's actually a part of Merlin that is ridiculously happy that she would completely disregard what is thought to be etiquette for his sake.

'I don't know if I really like you, but I don't really think about it. Not that I don't want to but it's just that …'

'I know.'

Merlin feels a constriction in his chest and he prays that it goes away.

'Merlin?'

'Yes, Gwen?'

'I'm not going to wait forever.'

She does not sound cruel at all.

'That's smart.'

He doesn't sound cruel either.

He finally turns to look at her and he finds her warm brown eyes.

She gives him a peck on a cheek and his lips brush against her cheek for what seems like a fraction of a second.

iv. Now the master of this landscape he was standing at the view
with a sparrow of St. Francis that he was preaching to

'I knew it was you,' she says.

The morning is beautiful and so is the greenery around them.

When she finds him, he's sitting with the birds beside him. There's a raven perched on his shoulder.

'How did you know?'

They look at each other.

'Who else would know how to save Arthur? I knew that it was your magic that saved him.'

Merlin stands up and the birds fly away.

'I missed you, Merlin.'

'I missed you too,' he sounds more emotional than she does. Arthur was right, he was a girl. 'I had to leave. There were things I needed to see. And I had to leave.'

He swallows, audibly.

'I didn't know if I could come back.'

'But you're here now.'

'I don't know if that's enough.'

'It will be. I know it will be.'

He looks at her, trying to share her faith.

He smiles at her.

'So you're Queen Guinevere now?'

'Yes,' she replies, happily.

'He was half in love with you when I left.'

'He's fully in love with my now,' she mockingly chides.

She turns away.

'It was nice to see you again, Merlin.'

She turns around.

He isn't there anymore.

v. It's like our visit to the moon or to that other star

'So, you got married?'

They both laugh.

'I could think of no polite way of saying that.'

They stand on top of the roof, admiring the view.

'Well, you certainly said it better than I ever could. I would have probably said something what were you thinking and is she good looking?'

'You know me, I'm never awkward.'

Merlin clears his throat.

'You know, sometimes Morgana and I would gossip about the daughters of certain noblemen eloping, about annulments. You know if I knew that you would be in this kind of an arrangement, I would have kept my mouth shut.'

'I wonder what Morganna would have said.'

'You know I said that to Arthur and then he didn't properly speak to me for an hour.' She exhales. 'I wish he let his guard down in front of me, Merlin. I'm his wife.'

'And he is your husband. But he's also the king, he doesn't know how to be weak.'

She shakes her head.

'So what was she like?'

Merlin blushes, and she giggles.

He tries looking her in the eye.

'She was beautiful. She had golden hair and bright blue eyes. She talked a lot and then sometimes she was taciturn. She was a very good person.'

'Will I have to go visit your children in New Castle?' Her voice is sober.

'Probably.'

'Merlin, do you think you can do this?'

He nods.

'I know I can.'

They step down from the roof and he knows that one day he will tell her about how Vivian used to a seamstress and her dead husband was a lord.

vi. She took his tavern parliament, his cap, his cocky dance,
she mocked his female fashions and his working-class moustache

Merlin chokes and coughs.

The world is a haze.

He squints, searching for the darkness in the light.

He has to stop letting these apparitions get to him. At least, this time the spirit does not look like Vivian.

He feels a warm hand on his chest and he looks at her.

Merlin's breathing gets heavier.

'I knew you would be okay.'

Morganna is more beautiful now than she ever was.

He swallows, trying to collect himself.

'Morganna,' the words flows out of his wet lips.

'Merlin.'

She tucks a stray, wet hair behind her ear. Her clothes are wet like his.

'Thank you.'

She nods.

You have to get out of clothes soon otherwise you'll catch a fever.'

He feels a flush creep up his cold skin. He sits up.

'Look who's talking.'

She smiles, coyly.

'I have to go.'

'You don't have to go. Right now.'

'For you.'

He looks at her and she at him.

There's an easy silence.

'Look at you, with your magician clothes.' She teases. 'You look so fancy and wise. Not to mention you have a beard now.'

He laughs.

Merlin feels like a teenage boy, then, all of a sudden. He remembers staring at her, admiring her figure, her face and feeling shame afterwards. She was going to be a princess one day and he was a lowly servant.

She's in front of him, now a wet, glowing goddess in green.

'I think the beard adds character to my face.'

'It really does,' she replies, her eyes twinkling.

There's a part of him that screams, She's flirting with you, idiot, say something witty.

He has had limited experience with flirting. Women flirt with him sometimes but he is inept at flirting back; he thinks women flirt with him because they enjoy his shyness. Arthur once said that it was because they could see his simplicity and goodness of heart. Also, it was fun to see him blush like a 12 year old.

He knows that it's Gwen who made that comment about his simplicity, because Arthur is not smart enough to psychoanalyze him.

'You still look like a princess.'

Oh, well, how smooth.

She smirks.

'How are you doing now, Morganna?'

'You know how I am. Just like I know about your wife and your daughter.'

And then the teenage boy inside him dies. He tries to regain some of his composure. He feels angry for a second because he has never spied on her. Whatever, he asked about her out of concern. He never tried to gain any information about her that she would not want him to know.

'How is your daughter now?'

Well, at least, she is sincere.

'She is well,' he says curtly.

'I'm sorry.'

He smiles.

'Don't be.'

'I hear stories about you all time.'

Merlin is quiet; he ponders.

He does what Gwen would have done.

'Morganna, come back home.'

'I have a home now.'

'Your home is Camelot.'

She gives him a mild glare.

'I cannot go back there, you know that.'

'Things happen, Morganna. Times are different now.'

'But how long will they be different?'

'Arthur is not his father.'

'People can change, Merlin. You know people can change.'

He wishes his pleas hadn't fallen on deaf ears.

'You and I are creatures of the old religion. You should come here.'

Gaius had once told him that it was not Uther's job to be liked. He finally understands the meaning of his old teacher's words.

'I am at home in Camelot. It seems like you have your own home too.'

'I do,' she agrees.

The sun temporarily blinds him as he watches her rise.

'Arthur's army is coming.'

He nods.

'Will I see you again?'

She smirks.

'I know that I will see you again.'

She leaves and Arthur's army does come.

Lancelot is the first peron who comes upto and asks him how he is and he replies that he is well.

Arthur, however, scolds him because really, what the hell was he thinking running off to God knows where?

Later, when Merlin is changed and he has had his lunch, he is grateful that Gwen and Arthur do not want anything from him that he would not offer.

vii. She said, "The art of longing's over and it's never coming back."

Things are chaotic right now.

Gwen is suffering from anxiety.

Merlin holds her in his arms as she sobs.

'How could he believe that?' Her voice is thick with grief. 'I stopped talking to him. I had a few moments of weakness but I never even kissed him.'

'I believe you, Gwen.' He kisses her forehead.

He has to make this right, he just has to.

The witch who spread scandals about Guinevere turns out to be the daughter of nobleman. It turns out that she had been planning to break up the king's marriage for a very long and she had enchanted a few man so they would sleep with her. She runs away and they never catch her.

The relations at the castle suffer and everyone tries to find a way to manage.

On some nights, Merlin thinks he is the tie that binds everyone together. He is the one who hasn't been hurt and he hasn't hurt anyone. At least for a very long time now.

Arthur has dinner with him one night, they toast to their youth and converse about the future.

'You know?' He sighs, after dinner is over and they are taking a stroll.

'Yes.'

'I had this ridiculous, self-pitying moment when I thought I must have been repulsive because I thought everyone I ever cared about betrayed me.'

Merlin's eyes widen and sadness washes over him.

'But then I realized how lucky I was because I had never really been betrayed. You have always protected me, my friend, and my wife maintained her fidelity and Lancelot upheld his duty. I am lucky.'

The dark haired man smiles.

'You are one to inspire loyalty.'

'You're a girl, Merlin.' Arthur laughs.

He looks at the king, eyes shining.

'And you, King Arthur, are a prat.'

'So,' the king breathes out. 'So how is the love life going? I dare say the pretty Lady Madeline thinks you're a lady killer.'

'My wife is going to kill me.'

Silence follows.

'She would kill me, but ...'

'I know. I still consider myself married.'

The king understands.

Arthur has a baby boy in spring. The boy, Arthur the second, has blond hair like his father but he has his mother's warm brown eyes. He is beautiful is every sense.

Arthur looks at the boy, proudly, and proclaims that he's glad that his child is boy because he was afraid that Merlin might consider marrying his daughter once she was of age.

Merlin hits Arthur after he says that.

viii. His muscles they were numbered and his style was obsolete.
"O baby, I have come too late."

'I have always loved the view from here,' she says in a breathless voice.

They came here before once when her health was so better and she had more vigor.

The hill that they are standing on is not large but as they watch the crimson sun rise, they feel like they are standing on the world's largest peak.

'It's beautiful.'

Merlin, too, is breathless.

'I wish Arthur was here.'

'So do I.'

She sighs, wistfully, in the way that only women can.

'A few years ago, I was here with Arthur. You know, I told him, that there had been many men in my lives and then it all came down to one man. One man who was everything to me.'

Merlin is quiet. He looks at her and his heart swims, no drowns in emotions.

'I used to be scared but I think, if I'm lucky, I'll go back to that man, sooner or later.'

'Guinevere,' he speaks, trying to think of a way to console her.

'You've always been a constant companion, Merlin.'

And then she turns to face him and her smile is brighter than the glowing sun.

He knows what emotions runs through him as he sees her lean towards him.

His pupils dilate and her heart races.

He closes his eyes and she presses his lips to his.

Merlin, once, kissed Arthur.

It was a feast and they were drunk. It was preceded and succeeded by laughter and he knew that he was lucky to have such a good friend.

When he kisses her, he feels a twinge of guilt. As if he is doing something immoral.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

The twinge is a twinge after all because the kiss is prolonged.

She breaks away from him and he grins.

'You are a good friend.'

'And so are you.'

This is happiness and this is now.

He wants to tell her that in most of the relationships he has had, he faced trials and hardships, but his relationship with her has always been a source of reassurance and comfort. He doesn't tell her but he squeezes her hand to let her know.

They walk away, hand in hand, as the sun illuminates the world below.

ix “I guess you go for nothing if you really want to go that far.”

Merlin is about 60 and Arthur II is 21. There is a chill in the air and it makes Merlin's bones hurt.

Arthur II stands rigidly under the tree, his form partly shaded by a giant leafy tree.

The younger man does not so much envy the older man's physical fitness as he envies his mental strength.

'Your mother was a fine woman,' Merlin says.

He looks at the green grass. Gwen's corpse underneath the ground, resting. He had held her and laughed with her so many times and now she was gone. She is under the ground like something that is thrown, unnecessary.

'She was wonderful,' the young man affirms.

Merlin admires the younger man's reserve. There are times when he feels too tired to get out of bed. Too lethargic to care about other people's suffering and loss. He's lost the enthusiasm of his youth- the one that dwarfed his own losses in regard to other people's needs.

Arthur is, on the other hand, alert and responsible. He will always say in the calm voice that he requires his sire's advice on how he should deal with the crisis regarding Northumbria, what his opinion is on the way the knights are being trained and would his teacher like to have some sherry with him after they're done visiting his father's grave tomorrow morning.

The sorcerer always wished that his old friend had been alive so he could gloat about how much more smarter the young king was then his father had ever been. Arthur despite his words of displeasure would have been beaming with pride.

His friend's son has been quiet for most of the time that he had been together.

'Arthur?' he asks, quietly, looking up from the ground.

Arthur's brown eyes give away distraction. The wind beats about his face, making his blonde hair a mess.

'I want to ask you a question if it is not improper.'

'Ask, then.'

The sorcerer is ready.

'Did you love my mother?'

'I did.' Merlin doesn't know why he sounds bitter when he says this. 'I loved her. She knew who I was, she knew about my wife and my daughter, Rhiannon. She was one of the few people who knew me and loved me too.'

'Did you love her as anything more?' The boy, not the man's eyes show a glimpse of hesitation.

Merlin wonders if he has ever had this kind of a conversation with Lancelot or with Lancelot and Elaine's son.

'I did.'

The confession comes out more easily than he thought it would.

'Why didn't you do anything about it?'

It's inappropriate and yet Merlin thinks he should answer this question because Arthur has never done anything like this before and if he really knows Arthur, then Arthur will never do this again.

'I suppose ...” he lets out a wistful laugh. He used to be so young, what had happened to him?

'I suppose I thought I had other things to think about. Love was not important and it was not in my plans. Also, I thought that I didn't sweep her off of her feet, then someone would. And someone eventually did.'

'Thank you.' The king replies, softly.

Merlin looks at the ground again and remembers everything. His mind, by the grace of God, is still sharp. He is not forgetful nor will he ever be.

Merlin remembers laughter, jokes, joy, tears and relief. He remembers a young girl who kissed him after he woke up from a terrible slumber. He remembers so much.

'It is time to leave, sire.' Arthur reminds him.

Arthur puts his hand on Merlin's shoulder.

'Of course,' the older man replies.

They walk away, stepping on the green, wet grass beneath their feet.