A/N: Enjoy! Oh, and all you Kakuzu fans/lovers, don't kill me. I'm OK with Kakuzu and all, but I just had to make this... Sorry for the slight/overwhelming (what ever it is in your opinion) amount of OOC.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters.

Kakuzu's Age

I had done nothing wrong. I had simply been strolling along, minding my own freakin' beeswax, until I stumbled upon a strange sucking noise. I started panicking just a little when I saw smoke coming from under the door. And then, I noticed that the room the smoke was flowing from was my own partner's, Kakuzu. Of course, I began to wonder what the hell was up, and why my partner was practicing freakin' fire jutsu inside.

I decided to remind the bastard by banging on the door. "Hey, Kakuzu! What the hell are you doing in there?!" I banged on the door around three times, then pressed my ear against the damn door to listen in. It sounded sort of rushed, but I heard something squeak, as if someone was turning something off. "Hey, Kakuzu! What the hell are you doing in there?! I'll bust the freakin' door down if you don't spill."

Still no reply from the inside.

Backing up a bit, I rolled my shoulders, preparing to bust the Jashindamn door down. Just as I charged, Kakuzu opened the door, and I collided right into his slow ass. "Hidan... What do you want?" he simply deadpanned, giving me eyes that screamed that he hadn't slept a f***ing wink from the last mission we had been cursed with. Like I cared about that.

"Can't hear or something? What the hell were you doing in there?" I motioned toward the door with my index finger. Kakuzu sat there, quiet like a freakin' ant. But as he sat there, rigid as stone, I could somehow tell he was uneasy; going crazy from the inside. "Well, what the hell were you doing?" I restated. We weren't getting anywhere in this conversation...

I took matters into my own hands by storming by him, but he was blocking his door in a flash. "What do you want... Hidan? I'm tired from the mission, go bug someone else and let me sleep." I tweaked an eyebrow, slightly amused. The mission wasn't that troublesome; but the bitch we had to capture sure was hell, especially since I was the one who did half the work. The weird thing was, if I did most, if not all of the work, why the hell was the miser so tired?

"Come to think of it," I voiced my question, "how old are you, anyway? I mean, being twenty-two and all kinda means that I recuperate faster or some shit like that. But dude, you look wasted." I received a glare for that, but I didn't give a damn. I took that opportunity to push past the skinflint to get a better look at where the source of the smoke was. Again, Kakuzu moved to cover the door. For whatever reason.

He and I are somewhat around the same height, but even if we aren't, I'm fairly tall. Tall enough to see some weird-ass looking contraption thrown haphazardly in the corner as if someone had been in a rush to stash it. I fixated my eyes on whatever the hell it was, and the first thing that came to mind was an old lady I had seen at hell-knows-where, whenever the hell it was. It was an oxygen tent.

"What the f*** are you doing with that?" I asked simply, pointing once more for emphasis. "Don't old people use those things?"

"Injured patients do as well," Kakuzu jumped defensively. He was acting weirder than normal.

"Hidan, get outta here."

"Wha--?"

"Get outta here!"

That time, he swiped at me, almost scratching me, too. "Fine, fine! I'll freakin' leave! Jeez! Bastard," I growled, storming off.

Like hell I'd leave for good when my partner was acting that freakish. I just came back later with backup.

~X~X~

"This is stupid, Hidan. What are we doing, hmm?"

"Shut it, blondie!" I whispered hoarsely. Yeah, I know, sometimes Deidara can be a pain in the ass. In fact, now reflecting, I don't even know why the f*** I recruited him for our stealth mission. His skills in uncover work suck major ass. Case and point were made in his mission to Suna. Man he really f***ed up on that one.

"We have one more bitch to recruit, and then we'll go and investigate the bastard's room."

"And who might that be, hmm?"

~X~X~

"What's my role again?" came the tired reply.

"We need your Sharingan. Maybe it can put Kakuzu back to sleep or some shit like that."

"It doesn't seem normal for you to care about Kakuzu's well-being, Hidan."

"I don't f***ing care about his well-f***ing-being! I wish he would keel over soon. The point is, he's keeping f***ing secrets. About his age."

"So...?"

"What the hell do you mean by 'so...' ?!"

"Never mind."

"So, you're f***ing coming, right?"

"If I must..."

"Sweet! Now let's move our asses back to the tightwad's room!"

I don't know how the hell I convinced Kisame, Deidara, Zetsu, and even Itachi to help me figure out Kakuzu's age, but it was worth it. Well, I have to say, I wish that that bastard Tobi hadn't tagged along, too...

"What are we doing?"

"Sneaking."

"Sneaking into what?"

Everyone turned to look at Tobi, glaring at him, I'm sure. "Tobi... shut up."

By then, we had snuck into Kakuzu's room, and were trying to keep our yaps shut. We weren't making any progress (aside from Deidara finally getting Tobi quiet with the threat of shoving an entire C3 up his ass) until Kisame called us over, holding up a strange bottle.

"What is that?" Zetsu asked, reaching for it. At least, I think he was reaching for it. Hell, I don't even know what the f*** Zetsu is, let alone if he can f***ing reach for something. After taking it in whatever Zetsu holds stuff with (vines, hands, I don't really know what you call them...), he began examining it.

His eyes lit up a bit at one phrase. "This thing says Alzheimer's medicine..."

"Now what the f*** is Alzheimer's?"

"A disease that occurs in some “lucky” people of middle or old age..." Itachi responded impassively, staring at the bottle with an equally inscrutable face. However, I wasn't paying attention after his input. I was hysterical. "Are you f***ing kidding me?! He's actually taking that stuff?!"

"I think he's pretty old..." Zetsu's black side responded, setting the bottle gingerly down on the wooden desk. "How old?" Kisame asked, shooting Zetsu a suspicious, yet entertained and agog look. Zetsu's white side looked around nervously, chewing on his side of his mouth. "He did fight the Shodai Hokage--" "And the Shodai Hokage existed over eighty years ago," Itachi finished for Zetsu, looking expressionlessly at the ground.

"Woah, over eight years ago?! Was Kakuzu a child when he fought the Hokage, hmm?" Deidara asked, looking up from squashing Tobi under his heel. "Most likely not," Zetsu replied, shaking his head. "Oh my Jashin-sama! Then he must be over eighty!"

"What's this?" Tobi held up some weirdo contraption. "Probably some kinda safe." I waved him off, turning back around-- just to be shoved into the wall by Kisame. The stupid bastard reached for that strange contraption, looking it over. "What is this?"

"There's four more over here, hmm!" Deidara held up a box of the same weird contraptions, just as Itachi walked over to the box and peered inside. "They're called pacemakers," he deadpanned, pulling away from looking into the box. I noticed that Deidara's only visible eye narrowed a fraction. "How do you know that, h--?" Tobi had interrupted with laughter. He was visibly holding his sides and rolling on the floor behind that repulsive pumpkin-head mask of his.

"He's having a conniption; just let him go bizarre," I replied. I really don't like Tobi. At all. Instead of heeding my warning, Kisame brought his ass over to Tobi and stared at him. "What's so funny?" Tobi, still in his insane laughing mode, pointed at something in the closet.

We all looked to see a sturdy wooden cane. "Okay, this guy must be ancient!"

"He's ninety-one."

Everyone jerked around to see our shitwad of a leader, Pein. He was just standing there, leaning against the door as if he had been in the conversation from the start. "He's f***ing ninety-one?!" By that time, Kisame and Deidara were now also on the floor, laughing until they couldn't move anymore. After a while, I began catching on and started laughing, too. Even I glanced at Itachi and saw his shoulders trembling a bit.

In no time, we were all rolling on the floor of Kakuzu's room, slapping the ground and holding our sides. Even Pein had joined in on the joke. Zetsu, too. However, it wasn't long 'til the dotard was glaring daggers at us, hands on his (dislocated) hips. "What are you doing in my r--" He was shocked when he saw Tobi laughing as he held his precious cane. "Did you come in here to get this, Kakuzu-san?!" Tobi waved around the cane in the air, snickered beneath his mask. "Tobi, you ass!" Deidara backhanded Tobi, rolling his eyes. "He doesn't need a cane, Tobi, hmm." Kakuzu looked a bit surprised that Deidara was actually standing up for him.

For all of two seconds.

"He came in here for his walker, you imbecile, hmm!"

"You both are wrong," Kisame tried, holding back his snickering. "He's in here for his wheelchair."

"Walker!"

"Wheelchair!"

"Walker!"

They argued over that for a while. In that lapse of time, I went over to "comfort" my partner. "It's okay, Kakuzu. You're just past your prime." Kakuzu glared at me for that, before grousing "I'm not old." Itachi took care of that lie, though. "You're ninety-one--" "And still kicking!" I added, jubilantly. We all burst into laughter then, but Kakuzu didn't look very happy.

"I'm sorry," Deidara smirked, "are we being too loud?"

"Who cares? He didn't turn his hearing aid on, anyway," Zetsu snickered. "Hey, Kakuzu? Would you like to sit down? Your knees must be killing you! Oh, and if you're looking for your Ketoprofen (arthritis drug; also known as Orudis) I've kept it locked up safely in one of your safes." I pointed (all grins) at one of those weird contraptions Tobi had before. Kakuzu thwacked me for that, though. "That's not a safe, idiot! It's a pacema-- ...Why are you even in my room?" Kakuzu interrupted himself. However, I was too busy reading the label of some medicine called 'Namenda' (Alzheimer's medication).

"Does this taste any good?" I asked, turning around and holding up the bottle. Kakuzu continued giving me that glare. "I don't know, why don't you taste some?" he responded through gritted teeth. "Oh, no, gramps. This medication must cost an arm and leg --hopefully the ones that were still working at their best... Oh, wait! I don't have to worry about you not having the money, you do have a senior citizen discount..." I mused, mentally laughing myself f***ing sick.

"I'm not a senior citi--" "Oh! And I haven't even confronted you about your back pain, dentures, cholesterol, or wheelchair! Speaking of your wheelchair, where is that thing? We need to get you to the retirement home stat. All of the other old pruney bitches are waiting to see a nice 'handsome' grandpa who still has most of his hair left..." Kakuzu looked appalled, or like he had just been slapped by a five-year-old.

He stood up immediately, reaching out to sever one of my limbs, but I sidestepped out of the way in an instant. "I guess you don't move as fast as you used to, huh? Such a pity..." Kakuzu grabbed at me again, this tip is fingertips brushed against my cheek. "Or maybe you didn't get on your oxygen before this little 'chase'. Hell, you can't even call this a chase. You'd be able to come at me better if it wasn't for those knees of yours."

The nonagenarian swiped at me again, this time growling, "I'm not old..."

I smirked. "You keep thinking that, golden ager!" By that time, everyone was poking fun at Kakuzu. Calling him a recycled teenager, over the hill, a goat, one who needs his Mematine (first in a novel class for Alzheimer's disease medication), as well as asking where his Ebixa was hiding (another Alzheimer's drug).

Over a while of time, Kakuzu seemed to get more and more pissed. Before long, (his legs and back were actually cooperating this time around) Kakuzu got over his snap, crackle, and popping back and attacked us all, using all of his weirdo masks. With the help of his masks (who also had pacemakers of their own...), the super senior actually pummeled us all into the ground. And with that, he turned around and left (I swear I saw him adjust his jaw before he left. He was most likely putting his dentures back into place.), leaving me headless and everyone else in no better condition.

The last thing I remember was Konan looking down at us, shaking her head and grumbling, 'Men'... We all called out to her to help us, but of course, she left without a word.

And that was exactly how my day went. "Stupid, geezer, bastard! Hiding his freakin' age from us all..." The plus side, though, was that when we --somehow-- got ourselves back together and were wound-less, we could still joke whether it be behind Kakuzu's back or to his face about the grave horror known as his age. Why would it matter? Not only would Jashin-sama get a kick outta it, but it's not like Kakuzu would be able to hear it, anyway.

At least, not without his hearing aid turned up a few notches.

A/N: The recycled teenager joke came from Tentenperson-KimiXTayu Addict. Anyway, I was quite bored when I wrote this, so excuse its suckiness. I don't like it much, but I wanted to upload it, anyway.