|Never Wake A Sleeping Witch
Author: YamiPaladinofChaos PM
“Zero-sama, sorry to bother you, but I’ve taken the liberty of spreading the news, and we’ve even begun making plans for the baby shower.” Lelouch, C.C., and the reason why you should do as the title of this story says.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - C.C. & Lelouch L. - Words: 1,709 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 222 - Follows: 21 - Published: 06-01-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5103425
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Lelouch Lamperouge, erstwhile known as Zero, glanced up at her from his desk, where there seemed to be a never decreasing pile of work to be done (most of it, of course, were notices of complaints left by Tamaki over not having any official work to be done).
"Yes?" he questioned, looking mildly perplexed at the interruption by his green-haired accomplice.
To his right, Kallen, who had come in to deliver some complaints by a few members who weren't brave enough to ask him personally and wanted her help to deliver their wishes to their erstwhile leader, tilted her head to the side. For some odd reason, she felt like C.C. was smiling beneath her currently placid expression, and it made her a little uneasy.
Actually… placid wasn't the right word at all, upon closer inspection.
The normally smirking witch's face was currently dead serious, solemn even, with shaking hands clasped behind her back in a mannerism that seemed to suggest... nervousness?
The hairs on Kallen's neck began to stand, and that feeling of apprehension that usually came during the heat of battle began to well up in her gut.
The last time she had this feeling in her gut, Milly had "suggested" she help raise funds for the student council- the memories still haunted even her battle hardened nerves.
Forget the Brittanian Emperor, Milly was by and far the most dangerous Brittanian alive.
"C.C.? What is it, I said?" he repeated, a tad more impatiently this time. Lelouch didn't seemed to register the strangeness of the witch's demeanor, instead trying to wonder just where these kanji that Tamaki had used in his report had come from. He was damn sure that he'd never seen anything like that before…
"Lelouch…" C.C. began again, before pausing to sigh, shifting slightly on her heels like a girl at her first junior high dance… and was she actually chewing her lip worriedly?
Forget uneasy, Kallen was downright fucking terrified now.
Lelouch blinked. "Late for what?" he asked. As far as he knew, C.C. had no meetings or appointments… he'd never bothered to even try to give her any, because he figured she'd just blow them off or force some poor sap into impersonating her.
Kallen, on the other hand, already started putting the pieces together to form the horrifying truth, in the same way one stands and stares at the nice oncoming lights before realizing it's a caffeine-mad truck driver barreling down the street at an ungodly speed trying to make the delivery date for the delicious canned sausages in the cargo container.
C.C. shifted uneasily. "… you're the father, you know that, right?"
The words had a curious effect. At first, they held a quiet kind of power, sucking all other noises out of the room, shutting out everything save for those two words. It was like a vacuum where only C.C.'s words echoed.
Next… came the brains of the other two occupants of the room scrambling to understand what they just processed. Kallen's jaw was open so wide you could fly the Mordred through it. Lelouch felt his eyes roll into the back of his head.
And finally… comprehension.
The result was akin to someone running into the middle of an airport and screaming 'bomb', except with much more ensuing chaos, but less burly men and anal probing.
"OH MY GOD-"
Lelouch would have stood up and started shouting at the witch to explain herself, but unfortunately at that very moment, a megaton punch courtesy of Kallen came rocketing at his face.
The manner in which Lelouch took the hit and crumpled against the wall would be akin to watching a soft, squishy tomato slamming helter skelter into an oncoming truck, except the tomato got lucky, because trucks rarely come back to hit you again in a heartbroken rage.
"You… you…" Kallen, red-faced, eyes watering, stammered and pointed with a curious mixture of sadness and all consuming rage. "YOU CASANOVA!"
And with that, she grabbed the nearest object, an unfortunate chair, and hurled it without abandon at her supposed leader, before storming out of the room.
Luckily, Lelouch, even while suffering what was likely a serious concussion, just barely managed to duck his head down in time, avoiding being decapitated via chair by his supposedly loyal lieutenant/ace pilot.
Not exactly the way he'd like history to write Zero's final chapter.
"She took that rather well," C.C. commented airily, settling herself atop Lelouch's desk casually… too casually, if he had been thinking straight enough to notice that.
"You… you… what the hell was that!" Lelouch demanded angrily, picking himself up off the floor.
C.C. pouted. "You know, all this yelling isn't very good for a child to grow up in. You should really consider how you act now, since you're a father and all that."
"I am not a father!" Lelouch screamed hysterically.
"… Zero-sama, you've fathered a child?"
"No I have not!" he protested immediately… before registering who that voice belonged to.
A cold sweat ran down his back.
Though he began to speak, he very much suspected that the answer he would receive would not be one he would be happy with.
"… Kaguya-dono… where are you?"
A slight electronic giggle came out over the intercom… whose button C.C. had been pressing, he finally realized, as she gave him a winning smile.
Never before in his life had Lelouch agreed more with Mao's idea of taking a chainsaw to the witch and putting her bloody remains into separate boxes. Except unlike that Chinese sociopath, he wasn't going to put her back together again.
"I heard you over the intercom Zero-sama," Kaguya answered solemnly. "So you've chosen C.C. to bear the first heir… I think she'll make a good addition."
"I have not chosen anyone to- wait, addition to what?" He could practically hear the smile, and Lelouch felt a chill run down his back, the likes of which he hadn't felt since that time he'd mistakenly agreed to one of Milly's "amazing" ideas when he was twelve.
He still had the scars on his right bicep, and occasionally woke up screaming obscenities about cheese and a nunnery.
"To the royal house of the Zero-Sumeragi Clan, of course! I'll be the wife, of course, but C.C.-san can be a mistress if she wants, and of course since she's bearing the heir…"
Lelouch could feel the aneurysm coming on.
"Kaguya-dono, there is no child, C.C. will not be my mistress, and… the Zero-Sumeragi Clan?" he blanched.
"Well, I must carry on the Sumeragi name, so I can't take your name, Zero-sama, but I'd like to share yours as well, so…"
"I think it's a lovely idea, Kaguya," C.C. complimented, and Lelouch briefly considered just strangling the woman right then and there, before remembering she would just come back to life and laugh in his face.
Murder loses its appeal if the other person keeps coming back for more.
"Oh I'm so happy! It's like we'll be sisters, C.C.!" Kaguya said happily. "Isn't that wonderful, everyone?"
"Everyone?" Lelouch repeated slowly, turning the words over in his mouth, the same way another might repeat the phrase "you used to be a man?"- with utter, mind numbing shock and the sudden earnest desire to be killed by unexpectedly spontaneously combusting into a thousand tiny ashes.
Even over an intercom, he could tell there was an awkward silence.
"… congratulations, Zero-san," Toudou managed, coughing.
"Uh… yes, well done!" Ougi chimed in, voice sounding as though he had just woken from a dream.
"I'm sure you'll be superb father," Diethard praised, chuckling, "If I may be so bold, I would likely to chronicle the birth of what will most certainly be the future ruler of the world…"
"I always wondered which team you batted for, and I guess this proves it as much as anything," Rakshata said distantly in the background, and for once, a slight against his rather fragile masculinity was the least of Lelouch's worries.
"Zero! My man! We need to throw you a party!" Tamaki cackled.
"Now then, C.C., have you picked out a name?" Kaguya asked hopefully.
C.C. opened her mouth to answer, but Lelouch finally managed to regain his wits and slapped her hand away from the intercom.
"Why… why are you doing this to me?" Lelouch whispered brokenly, nearly sobbing.
The witch smiled cattily. "Remember yesterday, when you accidentally pushed me out of the bed while I was taking a nap?"
"… you're kidding me."
C.C. smirked. "And now you know."
And with that, she turned on her heel and left the room, utterly satisfied that she had completely and utterly defeated the man who called himself Zero.
Lelouch stared after her, jaw hanging so wide open you could fly the Ikaruga through it, for an untold number of minutes.
The intercom buzzed again. "Zero-sama, sorry to bother you, but I've taken the liberty of spreading the news, and we've even begun making plans for the baby shower. Naturally, it should be a national event, to further promote the image of Zero. Also, this allows us the chance to enhance your image as a family man, sir, and you know how much the public adores children,," Diethard informed him cheerily.
Whatever else Diethard had to say was lost due to the intercom's sudden inability to relay any more sounds, likely due to an unexpected mechanical problem caused by a sudden onslaught of powerful kinetic force applied against the machine while it also pressed against a hard, unyielding object, otherwise known as being hurled angrily into a wall.
"Someone call my father or Suzaku," Lelouch muttered, sinking back down into his chair and rubbing his forehead slowly, "Tell them I'm quitting. I don't care if my mother got murdered, nothing's worth this."