Since Suicide Watch turned out to be a vortex of awesome, I’m gonna do more short stories. Mostly because they’re fun and require little amounts of plot. Either that or I’ll jump on the porn fiction bandwagon. (just kidding).

-

Gan Ning had been at this all day. Gan Ning of the Bells, Pirate of the Silken Sails, Badass of the—okay, he made that last one up—and he couldn’t catch a damned fish.

ONE fish was all he wanted. He figured in the time it took him to walk up to the Wu palace, get something to eat, and walk back to his ship, he’d be hungry again, so why not put his pirate intuition and mad awesome skill to some use and catch a fish?

WRONG. He’d been at it all day. His rumbling stomach was begging him to give up already, but his pride—and the fact that his ass was probably molded to the railing of his ship, he’d been sitting here for so long—was keeping him here.

“Yo, Ning!” called a familiar (annoying) voice.

Gan Ning groaned. “Whaddaya want, Ce,” he shot over his shoulder, hoping his tone implied he was very, very, /very/ busy, and did not want to be bothered.

“You sound like you’re bored!” Sun Ce said cheerily, “Feel like sparring some?”

“No,” Gan Ning retorted, “Get lost, Ce, I’m busy!”

“Busy doing what? Feeding the fish?” Sun Ce asked. “Doesn’t look like you’re catching much o’ anything…”

“Go to hell!” Gan Ning barked. When Sun Jian died and Sun Ce became Emperor of Wu, Gan Ning figured he’d pay dearly for mouthing off, but whatever.

Sun Ce made a face. “And you wonder why nobody likes you!”

“That’s Ling Tong,” Gan Ning answered, “/everyone/ likes me!”

“True,” Sun Ce said, tapping his goateed chin. “Very true. Speaking of which, while we’re on the subject of people /liking/ you, I have the misfortune of telling you my baby sister’s got a bit of a thing for you. Eyy?” He nudged the other man. “So, whaddaya say? She’s cute, don’t you think?”

“??? You have a sister?” Gan Ning asked, curious. “What’s she look like? I’ve never met ‘er!”

Sun Ce did a face palm. “Oh never mind!” He looked out towards the Chang Jiang river, where Gan Ning’s ship was currently docked. “So, how’re they biting?”

“They’re /not/,” Gan Ning complained, “And I’m starving to death over here!”

“Sucks for you,” Sun Ce replied, “Why don’t you just escort yourself to the palace and get some food?”

“I have my pride! Anyone can just GET free food,” Gan Ning shot back, “I actually have to work for it! I’m a man!”

“A hungry, sad, pathetic man who’ll be here all night, depending on luck and the mercies of nature in order to feed himself,” Zhou Yu said sagely, boarding the ship.

Gan Ning very nearly fell off the railing. “Dammit, what’re you two doing, having a party? Get outta here!”

“Oh whatever,” Sun Ce said. He beamed at his best friend. “What’s up, Yu-man?”

Zhou Yu winced a bit at the nickname. “Xiao Qiao is driving me crazy as always,” he said calmly, “I finally had to get away from her, uh—“

“Pain in the ass-ness?” Gan Ning offered.

Zhou Yu glared at him. “She is not a pain in the ass! She is a lovely person!”

“Hence why you’re over here hiding from her,” Gan Ning replied. “And people wonder why I’m not getting married anytime soon…”

“That’s because no woman will have you!” Zhou Yu shot back.

Sun Ce made a face. “Oiii, I feel your pain, Yu, Da’s always reading’ or whatever and boring the heck out of me… isn’t she great?” He beamed.

Gan Ning made a face. “Oi! This is a no fluff zone! Take your fluffy crapola and get off my ship!”

“Zip it, pirate boy, or should I say, the pirate who can’t catch a fish,” Sun Ce chuckled, “I think Tong might’ve caught a fish by now, seriously, Ning—“

“Both of you shut up!” Gan Ning shouted, losing his temper (took him long enough). “Get yer trash-talking asses off my ship!”

“Why don’t you make us~” Sun Ce sang annoyingly.

Gan Ning growled under his breath and lunged for Sun Ce, who avoided him easily. Gan Ning promptly lost his balance and toppled off the railing into the water.

“I believe the proper term here is PWNAGE,” Zhou Yu cackled.

“Screw you! Go to hell!” Gan Ning barked, submerging furiously, shaking his head (his hair, interestingly enough, was completely unaffected) to shake off the water. “Damn jerks and your dumb—OWWW!”

“What?” Sun Ce asked.

“I just stepped on something!” Gan Ning said angrily, “Stupid river’s filled with a bunch of garbage!”

“OI,” Sun Ce bellowed, “That’s /my/ river you’re talking about!”

“Then clean it up, it’s a cesspool!” Gan Ning snapped, “All the fish are probably /dead/—hey, what the hell?” He fumbled around underwater and pulled a glass bottle out of the water.

Zhou Yu rolled his eyes. “Gee, a wine bottle sunk at the bottom of the river where /your/ ship docks. Gee, Ning, doesn’t take a man with my IQ to figure out who’s responsible for that one.”

“This isn’t mine!” Gan Ning grumbled, hoisting himself back on deck, “Thing looks like it’s never been opened!”

“That’s bull, it’s empty!” Sun Ce pointed out, staring inside the hazy bottle. “Maybe it’s a curse?”

“Why the hell would a curse be sunk at the bottom of the Chang Jiang river?” Zhou Yu asked incredulously.

Sun Ce looked outraged. “Alright then, Mr. Genius, where would you hide a curse?”

“Just open it already!” Gan Ning shouted, stuck trying to pull himself over the ledge (mostly because of hunger).

Sun Ce shrugged. “Alright then.”

Zhou Yu shook his head. “This is a delicate situation and must be treated with due care,” he said, firmly, extending his hand. “Hand it over, Ce.”

Sun Ce looked defensive. “Why do you get to open it?”

“Because that thing might release a toxic air that will kill us all. Come now, hand it over.”

“No!” Sun Ce held the bottle protectively. “Mine!”

Zhou Yu sighed. “Ce, you’re acting like a baby, just—“ He lunged for the bottle. Sun Ce held it out of his reach.

“Nyah, nyah,” Sun Ce said, making a face.

Zhou Yu gritted his teeth. “Dammit, Ce—“ He dove for the bottle again, slipped on the puddle Gan Ning was creating by lying on the ship deck trying to squirm aboard, and toppled into Sun Ce. The bottle flew out of Sun Ce’s gloved hand, went flying, and smashed.

“Well, look what you did!” Sun Ce said, shaking his head, “I hope you’re happy!”

“ME!?” Zhou Yu demanded, outraged, “If you’d just handed it over, it’d still be in one piece!”

Gan Ning finally managed to haul his ass on board, and he watched as the shattered bottle began to glow. “Uhhh… guys?”

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu were too busy bickering to notice the gas rising from the bottle remains, or to bother noticing the gas take a human shape, or to even pay the slightest amount of attention to the female who just materialized from the gas.

“Guys?” Gan Ning questioned.

“Hi there!” said the woman.

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu’s bickering stopped. They both looked at the woman.

“Who’s she?” Sun Ce asked.

The woman looked annoyed. “Give me a second and I’ll explain! I’ve been locked in that bottle for centuries, I think I forgot the standard genie spiel—“

“She appears to be a paranormal woman figure,” Zhou Yu said, studying her.

“If that means hot chick, I’m in,” Gan Ning said, grinning.

The woman rolled her eyes. “Ugh. You men never change.” She shook her head. “Regardless of your stupidity, I am the Genie of the Yellow Lotus.”

“Stupid name!” Gan Ning interrupted.

The genie ignored him. “Anyway, to sum things up, I have to grant the wish of anyone who comes across me.”

“WHAT!?” Sun Ce asked incredulously.

“In that case, I wish for a—“ Zhou Yu clamped his hand over Gan Ning’s mouth before the idiot pirate could finish his sentence.

“Shut up!” he hissed. He drew himself to his full height and frowned at the genie. “Genie,” he began, “Your services are neither wanted nor required.”

The genie shrugged. “I’m here for twenty-four hours anyway, might as well hang around.” She beamed. “So, nobody wants /anything/? I could grant you your deepest desires! I could make you a King!”

“I already am a King!” Sun Ce declared. “Well, when my pops croaks I will be, but—“ He covered his mouth. “No! I’m not talking! I don’t want anything!”

The genie just shrugged again. “Alrighty then,” she said, and poked Sun Ce in the chest. “Just remember, buddy, any wish you make—ANY—I must grant. Only one per person, though.”

Gan Ning spoke up again. “Can I wish for a—“

“NO!” Zhou Yu interrupted. “Go away, genie, and take your wicked magic with you!”

The genie rolled her eyes and floated off. “I’ll be around~”

Sun Ce looked at Zhou Yu. “You’re really hell-bent on no magic, huh? Zhuge Liang being the local magic authority getting to you?”

“Shut up before I put my sword through your kidneys,” Zhou Yu snapped.

“Eww,” Gan Ning said, “I can see how a fangirl could reconstruct THAT as sexual innuendo.”

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu glared at him. “Nobody asked you!” Sun Ce said.

Gan Ning just shrugged. “I call ‘em as I see ‘em.”

-

“This woman is clearly trouble,” Sun Jian said firmly, “You kids hear me? Nobody, I mean NOBODY, had better make a wish! And if anyone does, you’ll be in trouble!”

“WHAT!?” Sun Quan repeated. “Father, the arrival of this woman is clearly a sign from the heavens! Wu is MADE to conquer this land!”

“We already know that, Quan,” Sun Shang Xiang said, and frowned at her father. “Daddy, what’s the big deal, who cares if we make a bunch of harmless wishes!?”

“BECAUSE THEY WON’T BE HARMLESS! I know you guys, you’re gonna wish for something dumb!” Sun Ce yelled, on his father’s side. He grinned at Sun Jian. “I’ve got your back, Pop~”

“Thank you, son. I can already imagine the havoc you all could wreak with the power of a genie on your side!” Sun Jian said, “So no wishes!” He banged his fist on the table for emphasis.

His words were met with a lot of whining (90 percent of it from Ling Tong’s end of the table). “No whining either!” he added sharply. Then he left the room, Huang Gai following behind him.

The door hadn’t shut before everyone started complaining.

“This is a bunch of bullcrap,” Ling Tong whined, “All I wanted to wish for was a hot girlfriend, or lots of money, or the ability to drop Gan Ning into an incinerator!”

Everyone shuddered at the mental image. No, wait, they couldn’t have, since incinerators haven’t been invented yet. Luckily, the Wu generals were too busy whining and thinking about themselves that they ignored this anachronistic hole in the plot and the crumbling of a nearby fourth wall.

“This sucks!” Xiao Qiao grumbled, her language clearly derived from the choice vocabulary of Sun Ce and Gan Ning. “I just wanna wish for a huge bunch of flowers!”

“I want a boyfriend,” Sun Shang Xiang grumbled, “Since all the men HERE—“ she glared at oblivious Gan Ning—“don’t seem to notice the elephant in the room!” She arched her back furiously, aiming at Gan Ning’s direction.

Gan Ning looked around. “I keep thinking I’m hearing something.”

“I just want power, and to be the eldest son, and to have every single one of you bowing down to me for once! No more, “QUAN, you’re just the younger brother”, or “QUAN, leave this one to the adults” or “QUAN, I’m sorry but your older brother is just too hot!” I’ll be the King! Me, me, me!”

Everyone looked at him blankly. Sun Quan flushed to the roots of his hair. “I, err, did I say that out loud!? Hee hee.”

Zhou Tai made a face quite resembling a facial expression one who wished to die a quick painless death would make. But since he was Zhou Tai, nobody noticed. It wasn’t that they didn’t care; Ling Tong was the general everyone heard and chose to ignore. Zhou Tai was just like air. He was there.

Sun Ce sighed. “You all have /proved/ Pop’s point, all you wanna do is wish for a bunch of stupid things that will somehow lead to the death of us all!”

“But—“

“NO BUTS!” Sun Ce hollered. “We’re gonna wait the 24 hours out and then she’s going to leave and then we’ll all be better off! NO WISHING!”

Everyone just groaned.

-

And of course we all know the Wu army is not going to listen to Sun Jian or Sun Ce, since they’re idiots. Next up we’ll see how much havoc these boneheads can wreak with the power of a magic genie on their side.

Just for the record, /this/ means italics. My formatting always gets messed up in the document manager, so I do that instead.