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: B s . A A A    : full 3/4 1/2   : E E   : Light Dark Games » Final Fantasy: Tactics » Final Fantasy Tactics Parody

Eskimo Force
Author of 1 Story

Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Ramza.B - Reviews: 1 - Published: 06-02-09 - id:5106859

In Gariland Academy's auditorium, several students nearing graduation were assembled. A plan was being formed, centered on the Hokuten (Prince Larg of Gallione's Army) to extinguish the Death Corps (Group of rebels and thieves) who were terrorizing the Gallione region. The plan was to have the students handle all the future problems, because that was the responsible thing to do.

"I heard another wagon bound for Igros was attacked." A random person says.

The random person's friend nods knowingly, "must have been the Death Corps."

"Well duh, who else would it be?" Steve the squire mocks.

Ramza looks around, getting a feeling. "Somethings starting... Know anything, Delita?"

"No.. but I can guess." Delita says, toying with Ramza.

"What do you mean?" Ramza replies, not understanding basic speech.

Delita leans in, "Prince Larg's coming to town."

"How is that a guess? How do you even know that?" Ramza asked, wondering of Delita's sources.

"Not only Larg," Delita continues, trying to avoid the question. "The Marquis Elmdor of Limberry, too."

Ramza gasps, already forgetting his question. "That's news! It's not an official visit, is it?"

"There are danger zones everywhere in Ivalice." Delita points out, avoiding the question again. "The Hokuten Knights are in full operation, but suffering from a shortage of men."

"So, they need us cadets?" Ramza asks trying to understand. "We're cannon fodder aren't we?"

A voice calls out. "Everyone, fall in!" A Hokuten knight, named Martin, comes in and addresses the cadets.

"You have a mission!" Martin says happily. "As you know, barbarians are rapidly increasing here in Gallione, the many corpses along the road and people robbing people in broad daylight should have made it obvious."

The cadets nod their heads, they had seen the bodies.

"The traitorous Death Corps detest the royal family, we believe it is jealousy. We cannot overlook them, however. We will begin exterminating these traitors, by order of our Master. Larg's Knights stationed at Igros Castle and many other groups will participate. Your duty is to support the flank. Specifically, you'll go to Igros and help guard it. Even more specifically, you'll be a distraction."

"What if we don't want to die a horrible death?" Steve the squire asks, showing guts.

"Not my problem," Martin says as a female Hokuten knight comes in and whispers something to Martin. After that, the female knight leaves the room. Martin pumps his fist into the air.

"Cadets, ready your swords! A gang of tortured thieves is trying to sneak into this town. Apparently our men are too busy to deal with them." Martin looks confused for a second then shakes his head of such thoughts. "We'll begin preparations now to keep them out of town! Come with me! This is the front line of operations! That's all! Prepare immediately!"

"You'll fight alongside us?" Steve asks.

Martin smiles, "of course, it would be murder to send cadets who had just graduated to the front lines!"

The cadets then go out to confront the thieves at Magic City Gariland, eagerly awaiting their first battle. Except Steve, he knew what was going to happen.


In Gariland, the group of six cadets, including Delita, Ramza and Steve arrive to find the thieves, which are a small group of Squires and one chemist.

Steve slams his fist into the ground, "I f*cking knew it! Bastard brought us here to die!"

The thief's leader hears Steve's complaints and turns, "what's this? Just a bunch of kids! What luck! Okay, all we have to do is kill these kids! Then, we can escape! Don't you worry! We'll kill every one of you!"

"That son of a bitch!" Steve complains more.

Delita turns to his friend, "Ramza watch out! Don't rush them!

"I haven't even moved, Delita! I'm also a Beoulve!! We tend to just sit in the back and make people do work for us."

The theif looks surprised. "Beoulve!? THE Beoulve family!? So, you must be cadets

from the military academy! Snot-nosed little nobles!!" The leader's logic is flawless.

"Silence! Surrender or die in obscurity!!" He shouts back, his beautiful noble blood making him think himself better.

"What can a bunch of kids like you do? Throw rocks at us? Buncha' spoiled punks like you'll never beat us!!"

Ten minutes later, after many thrown rocks and stab wounds, the battle is over. Steve sadly didn't make it through the battle, he fell off a nearby roof after single-handedly defeating half of the enemies. He died a hero's death, his name would go down in history.. had anyone bothered to remember it.

"Why do you continue committing acts like robbery? You wouldn't have died this way if you'd led an honest life." Ramza says.. after committing murder.

With their victory at Magic City Gariland, Ramza disbands all his fellow cadets and gets four new, cooler cadets. For some reason he also remembers when his father died.


Having attained the highest

rank of Heavenly Knight, which was

'Super Special Awesome Heavenly Knight.'*

Brave Balbanes was facing

his last days...

or rather his last minutes.

-

At the end of the 50 Year War, in the Beoulve residence Balbanes Beoulve, a loved hero of the Fifty Year War, lies in his bed, weakened, due to the illness. Around him were his three children, Dycedarg, Zalbag and Alma.

"How goes......the battle?" Balbanes asked, no one had bothered to tell him anything for a few weeks. This made him sad.

The middle brother looks down, not wanting to tell his father the battle had ended already and they had been too busy celebrating. "Well we were able to recover Limberry. It's only a matter of time before the Ordalia army leaves Zeltennia. Don't worry, we have everything under control." Zalbag was a good liar.

The eldest brother, wanting a reason to lie, helped cover for Zalbag. "The secret messenger we sent to Count Lenario has returned. Count Lenario has agreed to your plan. A brilliant one I might add."

Balbanes smiles, happily - glad to know that even though he's dying, he's helping the war. "Good.. they'll never suspect us to throw stuffed animals at them.. Of course grenades are in the bears, the horsies have poison gas. At last... this long war... will finally come to an end."

Alma begins to cry, her father was really losing it. "Father.."

"Don't cry Steve.. you'll be a real boy some day." Balbanes says, a confident look on his face.

"Where is Ramza? Just when we need him most!" Zalbag asks, hoping to convince Balbanes that he deserves the inheritance, not Ramza.

"Dycedarg, Zalbag, Steve... my beloved sons... Take care of Ramza. He may be your half brother, but he is my own flesh. I cloned him, after all." Balbanes informs them, getting a strange look from the three.

Ramza bursts into the room. "Father!!" He comes near to his father's bed, having just learned his father was alive and was now dying. His brother's never tell him anything.

"Lower your voice, he's not deaf." Dycedarg advises.

"I'm glad you came.. Let me.. look at you." Balbanes says quietly, his voice leaving him.

"Father.." Ramza says sadly.

"It has been a long time... You've become a fine man... You start at the Academy...in spring, don't you?" Balbanes asks.

Ramza says nothing, not wanting to tell his father that he decided to become a florist.

"Listen, Ramza.. A Beoulve has served the royal family for generations. The warrior spirit is in us. Never shame your name... never tolerate in justice... Living true to your heart is the warrior's way......the Beoulve way. At least my side.. your mother's side is a bit more sadistic.."

"I understand, father.." Ramza says sadly, his brothers won't accept his florist goal.. not after that.

"Delita's a good boy. He should serve you well.. I've asked the dean to accept him into the Academy. It shocked the dean a bit. He will serve you well... Treat him well..."

"Father.. I'm not gay. Delita's just my friend!"

"Take good care of Alma, if you can find the time.. Become a fine knight... Ramza."

Balbanes takes his last breath and his body goes limp and he passes through the golden gates of Valhalla.


Proud of his victory, Ramza and his newly found party heads for Igros, to brag to his brothers.

Ramza's party now consisted of five other members, including Delita they are as follows:

Airi, a slightly dimwitted female White Mage. She had the tendancy to get over excited and talk too much.

Emi, a quiet Black Mage. Her views are usually pessimistic, which leads to her usually staying quiet as to not depress those around her.

Hitoshi, an easily angered Monk. He has the tendency to hit on any females who catch his eyes, much to their displeasure.

The final member of Ramza's team is Masatoshi or Masa-san - a sadist who finds believes his place to be on the battlefield, ending lives.

On their way to Igros Castle, after following Masatoshi's advice and stopping at the Mandalia Plans, they comes across some thieves. A blond squire is attacked by some thieves, clearly the Death Corps. Turns out he was attacked while heading for Igros. The Marquis was abducted by the group, that man was the only survivor.

"Still breathing. What'll we do?" Asks one of the men, not knowing what to do with a living person.

"Don't be stupid. We just need to get the Marquis," The leader says, explaining the situation.

The first man nods, "Right." He turns to the blond," hey, don't blame us. Blame blame yourself for being weaker."

The thieves suddenly see Ramza and the party standing a good, twelve feet away. "Wha? Damn! The Hokuten knights!"

Ramza looks around, "how do you know that we're the Hokuten? We JUST graduated the Academy. Freakin' Death Corps."

"Death corps?" Delita asks, his vision too bad to let him see the situation. He turns to Ramza to get the scoop, "they attacking someone?"

"No, they'd never do that - what are they theives and rebels?" Ramza says sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah they are." Delita reminds him.

"Get them!" Ramza commands his team.

"Are you mad Ramza? Leaving him stranded!?" Delita asks.

Ramza sighs, " You realise that if we stop the Death Corps.. we save him, right?"

Delita turns and faces the enemies. "...I'll save him, he seems like a good guy - I'm sure this will be the beginning of a great friendship."

The blond squire looks over, "reinforcements? Thank God!" Suddenly filled with courage, he begins attacking the men who had been attacking him.

The battle starts out with Delita and Ramza rushing the enemy, their swords at the ready. Ramza finishes off the leader with a slash in the chest, while Delita simple thrusts his blade into the nearest body - they both fell as once.

Masatoshi takes a few minutes to Accumulate, to increase his power before unleashing an Earth Slash, injuring two of the enemies. The injured enemies fall fast to a Bolt 2 sent from Emi.

With Airi's Protect around Masa, he flies into battle - first breaking all their weapons, then lowering their physical attacking power before slowly taking away their HP. His destruction lead him to accidentally strike the blond squire, much to Ramza's disappointment.

Ramza checks for a pulse and sees the chest rise. "Still breathing. Let's save him!"

With Airi's Raise, the blond man opens his eyes and sees the group staring at him. "What?"

"Are you OK?" Ramza asks, like a mother would to a child.


The man nods slowly, "Barely... But the Marquis-"

"Marquis? You mean Marquis Elmdor?" Ramza asks surprised.

"Know any other Marquis? Who're you, anyway?" The blond man says realizing he didn't know.

"We're military cadets so I think we'll be good enough. Please tell us more."

The blond smiles and offers a hand, "I'm Algus.. of the Limberry Aegis Knights."

Delita looks doubtful, "A knight...?"

Algus rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment "I mean, a cadet.. like you all."

"I'm Ramza Beoulve, " He says then motions toward his friend. "This is Delita, a good friend."

Algus just looks at Ramza in disbelieve. "Beoulve.. ? ..of the Hokuten? Excellent! How lucky I

am! I didn't think royals could be that way."

Ramza frowns, "I'm not gay."

"I beg you, please help me save the Marquis!" Algus begs Ramza.

"What are you talking about? Delita asks, Algus was beginning to act crazy.

Algus begins to speak at a very fast pace, "the Marquis is still alive! They've kidnapped him! He

will be killed, if we don't act fast! I don't know what I would do if.. So, please! Help me! Please!!"

"Relax. We don't know for sure if he'll be killed. There must be some reason for Death Corps to take him, they're usually a pretty easy going group. They might have made some demands, though." Delita says, his mind going through scenarios.

"Besides, there is nothing we can do. The Marquis was kidnapped, and I'm sure by now everyone at Igros Castle is up in arms." Ramza says, knowing his brothers would never tolerate injustice like that.

"First, we should go to Igros and report." Delita suggests.

"All right. Let's do that, I'm sure the Marquis will be fine, if we go and report while he's kidnapped." Algus says sarcastically.

"Exactly!" Ramza says, heading off.


After a small walk, Ramza, Delita, Algus and the others reaches Igros Castle. Ramza heads for the castle and Dycedarg meets with him. Dycedarg and Ramza's group decide to have a small conference.

"I hear you beat the first troops, I was surprised - I lost twenty gil. The senior statesmen spoke highly of you, he sees a different side to you than I do. You are truly descended from Balbanes." Dycedarg says, his face seemed to show pain from speaking the words.

".. Thank you." Ramza says quietly.

"Aren't you happy? I complimented you. I read in a book that people like compliments."

Ramza forces a smile. "Oh, yes, I am happy. Thank you for the kind words.. I guess." Deciding to change the subject, he brings up Algus's problem. "You might have heard about the enemy attacking Elmdor's carriage and kidnapping him. Assuming you haven't got anyone on that.. what would you have us do?"

"I've already had Zalbag send out a search party." Dycedarg says, in a bored tone. "They'll probably demand ransom... if he's still alive, that is."

Algus stands up from his chair and bows his head, wishing to show respect for the man he admires. "Highness. Please let me have 100 soldiers!"

"F*ck that."

Algus persisted. "I beg you. Let me avenge my comrades murder!"

Dycedarg sighs, "I said it's taken care of. Didn't you hear me? Gallione isn't any place for your type. Let us handle it."

"B..ut!" Algus argued.

"Think of your rank, Algus!" The eldest Beoulve yells, sickened by the blond. "Have you forgotten you're just a soldier without rank of Knighthood?"

Algus groans, defeated. "Urrrgh.."He sits back down.

"I want you to guard Igros Castle. It shouldn't be so difficult. 'Danger' probably won't get this far. If it does, we'll send someone after it."

After finishing their dinner Ramza, Delita and Algus goes outside the castle's courtyard.


Algus begins to tell his story."..My family was once respected like the Beoulves. My grandfather was captured during the Fifty Year War... He sold his friends out to the enemy to save himself, I loved my grandpa, I looked up to him. But, as he left the castle, he got stabbed in the back by a cadet just like myself. One of my grandfather's friends, that survived his attack, managed to escape and spread the story around. Of course my father didn't believe it, but everyone else did, they deserted him."

Algus picks up a rock and throws it into the flowing river. "Stupid rock!" He sighed, "rank...Dycedarg would never meet with someone like me."

"Delita!" A voice yells

Delita looks over happily, "Steve!" Upon seeing his sister, he frowns. "Oh, hey Teta."

Ramza looks over as well, seeing his siblings come toward them," Alma, Zalbag!"

Alma smiles happily, "Ramza, you came back!"

Ramza ignores her, happy to see his brother, "Long time no see, brother."

Zalbag grins, "I heard how you beat the thieves in Gariland. That's worthy of a Beoulve. I'm sure father would've been pleased with you, murdering commoners and such.."

Not sure how to respond to that, Ramza just stares for a few before saying, "thank you."

"Heh...haven't changed a bit." Zalbag shakes his head. "You don't like that much, eh? " He turns Delita, ", you look good. I heard about your role also. Just look how happy Teta is." He gestures toward the girl staring at Delita like he was a giant glass of water and she was dying of thirst.

"Delita, I'm glad you're doing well." Teta says trying to fight the urge to glomp him.

"And you also. How is your schooling? Get passed second grade yet?" Delita asks.

"No, but everyone is so nice to me that I don't care!" Teta says happily.

"I'd like to talk more with you, but I must hunt down some commoners - err, thieves. Pardon me."

"I pray for your victory." Ramza says automatically, not wishing to annoy his older brother.

Zalbag turns around and waves his hand and starts to walk away but suddenly stops. "..The Death Corps have demanded a ransom. Twenty-four Gil."

Algus says surprised."What!? Just F'ing pay it, Hell I have THAT much!"

Zalbag frowns, " ..I can't understand it. The Death Corps claim to be anarchists, but they only rob and hurt the nobility. It's hard to believe they would kidnap the Marquis just for money."

"Who cares! Just pay the damn ransom, it's not much."

Zalbag continues to ignore Algus. "The messenger we sent still hasn't returned. They found his hat among a group of corpses though.. we're sure he just lost it."

Ramza arches an eyebrow, "where was he when you last heard from him?"

Zalbag thinks for a few moments, "a trade city called Dorter, east of Gallione. Guarding a castle is your job, though - don't leave." The middle brother advises them before leaving.

Delita turns to his sister, "Teta, I'm sorry. We must go."

"Don't worry about me. Just take care of yourself and Steve."

Delita hugs Teta, unable to tell her of Steve's death. "Don't worry. I'll come back safely...so be a good girl. Well then, let's go, Algus." He says to his new best friend as him, Teta and Algus leaves. Ramza tries to follow them but is interrupted by Alma.

"What Teta said is not true. Actually.."

"Something wrong with Teta?" Ramza asks worriedly.

"She has been picked on at school because of her rank.. not many SeeDs got A Rank so she's made fun of for it."

Ramza sighs, "damn it."

Alma shakes her head, "sorry...I shouldn't have worried you like that. Teta will be OK. I'll be there for her. Trust me."

"I'm not worried about her, I can't believe she got a higher rank - those tests are hard. Heh.. and I'm suppose to be a Beoulve." Ramza explains.

"Just be yourself and don't be restricted by your name!" Alma advises him.

"You sound like our mother. Haha. Which means I'm not gonna listen to you." Ramza says before going off to follow the others.

"Ramza.. " Alma says quietly to herself.

"What?" Ramza asks, returning.

"Huh? Oh nothing, just being emo." Alma explains.

"Ah, of course - again, like mother." Ramza shakes his head and leaves once more.


(* = from LK's Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Series, Yugi often uses "Super special awesome" as a catchphrase. Read and Review, I'll try and answer any questions I can.)



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