Author: Blue Lightnin'

Summary: A little play-type thing in which some ancient gods argue about each other's importance.

Rating: PG-13 for some swearing.

Notes--I really don't know what possessed me to write this...perhaps I was inspired too much by the works of Lucian, which my dad made me read. Anyway, I hope this is entertaining. I don't know much about writing plays.

Characters: Balder, God of Light
Apollo, God of Light
Helios, retired God of the Sun
Hermes, God of Mischief
Loki, God of Mischief

Balder: I am Balder, God of Light, God of-

Apollo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What did you say you're the god of again...?

Balder: Light. I said light. Why?

Apollo: I think there must be some kind of mix up. I'm the God of Light.

Balder: What?? You?

Apollo: What, don't I look like the god of light? Check me out, look at my hair. Golden as the sun.

Balder: My hair's blonder.

Apollo: I don't think so! You're more of an ash blond, I'm a true blond.

Balder: No, wait! You know why it's like this? I haven't washed it in a few days.

Apollo: Gimme a break you imposter.

Balder: YOU'RE the imposter!

(offstage voice): You're both imposters!

Balder and Apollo: What??

(Enter Helios)

Helios: I am the God of Light!

Balder: (to Apollo) Who's this guy?

Apollo: The sun god. Ex-sun god. Guy who used to drive the Chariot of the Sun until I took over. (to Helios) You aren't the Light God. I don't even know where you got that idea from...

Helios: You little bastard! I was driving that chariot before you were even born. Then along you come, and it's like "Take a hike, Helios. Here's Apollo, Zeus's little darling-"

Balder: Zeus?

Helios: "Oh, Apollo is just so cute! It's not enough that he's already the God of music, poetry, youth, and everything else good. Let's make him the god of light too, cause he brings a SMILE to everyone's face. Bye bye, Helios! Time for you to REST."

Apollo: Whatever.

Helios: I am the god of light. The ORIGINAL god of light.

Apollo: You're a has been, is what you are.

Helios: Fuck you. And you, too.

Balder: What? What'd I do?

(Helios disappears in a cloud of smoke.)

Apollo: Can't stand that guy.

Balder: You know, for a "light god" you sure have one hell of a bad attitude.

Apollo: I beg your pardon?

Balder: I am the light god because I am naturally good tempered. My attitude contains all the sweetness and happiness of a sun drenched May morning.

(Apollo makes gagging noises)

Apollo: Puh-leaze! The True Light God is one who likes to have fun, you know, get jiggy with it. Give pleasure to nymphs and young human girls. Doesn't matter if you have the 'sweetness of a may morning!' Just cause you're the Light God you don't have to be fruity.

Balder: You calling me fruity, punk?

Apollo: I just don't see what your trying to prove by talking in flowery metaphors...it ain't impressing anyone.

Balder: Look, I'll admit you may have been the light god before I claimed the title. But I can see what Helios is so ticked about. You're the god of music, poetry, youth etc, etc. Why do you need to be the god of so many things? Can't you see what I'm talking about, man? Let someone else have one of your titles.

Apollo: No way! I earned them! I don't need to sit here listening to your crap about how you have nothing, and I have everything. Just because you have no control over your life, you don't have to come and bitch to me about it.

Balder: Well, surely you can't use all of those titles at once.

Apollo: I don't, as a matter of fact. I rotate them. That way I don't get bored.

Balder: Well, there's yet another role for you! God of Ingenuity!

Apollo: Why don't you be the God of Sarcasm!

Balder: You can be the God of Jerks!

Apollo: You can be the God of Losers!

Balder: You can be God of...of no good, slimy, brainless, uh, ugly-

(enter Hermes)

Hermes: Now boys, I think you'll find those titles are already taken.

Apollo: Get out of here, Hermes. We don't need any of your insightful wit right now.

Hermes: Mmm-hmm. Just doing my job as the God of...Insightful Wit.

Balder: Insightful wit, eh? Maybe you can help me with my identity crisis, uh, Hermes was it?

Hermes: Well...

(before he can answer, Loki appears looking quite peeved)

Loki: (to Hermes) There you are!

Balder: Loki! What are you doing here?

Loki: This little bastard stole my whole identity! Why didn't anyone tell me about this hundreds of years ago! It just makes me so mad!

Apollo: Who's this clown?

(Balder ignores him)

Balder: You're having the same exact problems I've had Loki! This jerk, Apollo, thinks he's the God of Light! This guy!

Loki: He IS blonder...

Balder: I need to wash my hair, is all!!

Loki: What makes you think you Greek Gods are so special anyway? You're all like "Hi, we're the Greek Gods, we prance around wearing skirts and leaves in our hair. La la lal lala."

Apollo: Well, I think we've influenced human culture just a tiny bit more than you; don't you agree, Hermes?

Hermes: Absolutely. The Odyssey and the Iliad are required reading for most educated people, while you're stories simply seem to exist for pure entertainment.

Balder: And what, may I ask, is wrong with that?

Hermes: Nothing, nothing. But don't you think that the more popular group of Gods should be, well, recognized for their talents? I mean, what's the point of a bunch of nobodies ruling the universe?

Loki: Now, see here...

Balder: No... Loki, curb your fiery Jotun temper for now. He has a point.

Loki: He called us nobodies! I'm so mad, I could rip the head off a gnome. Hmm, that sounds like fun...

Balder: Loki, face it. No one knows about us. Let's go back to Valhalla, have some mead and forget about this for now.

Loki: Man...

Balder: We can straighten this all out in good time. (to Apollo) I'll have my people call your people.

Apollo: Buh-bye now.

Hermes: See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Loki: (cheerfully) By Odin's missing eye, I vow revenge.

Apollo: Okay.

(exit Loki and Balder)

Apollo: Who do they think they're kidding?

Hermes: I know! How could anyone but you could be the God of Light? Honestly!

Apollo: And who but you could be the God of Mischief and Thieves and Such? if theyknew half the crazy things you've done...

Hermes: Ha! I know. What a bunch of jerks.

Apollo: (laughing) Remember that time you stole my cows...

(Blackout)

The End