1.

"Watch," he says, the first time he is called upon to do something in battle. "Watch," he says, the first time he is asked to pull the trigger. "Watch this," he says, the first time anyone asks him anything. Not a kid and not stupid, he sees Sanada doing so, and bites the inside of his lip and shows.

Not a kid and not stupid, he sees him watching, too.

2.

He is afraid of dentists, and sharks, and horses. The third is a lie but he tells it calmly, purposefully, waiting to see if anyone flinches—they do not, and he hates them for it. Catch me. Catch me. His mouth dry. His first time in Tartarus Yukari pats him awkward on his hair, runs her fingers towards his forehead. "Just count on me," she tells him, "and try not to be scared."

Tomatoes, he thinks, kicking a shadow, bursting it over his soccer shoes, and he checks to see if anyone is watching. His evoker feels hot against his skin.

3.

A month later he tries to jump out a window and die, but lands in a bush instead, scrapes his knees and barely rolls out before being sick. Throws his armband onto the mess and runs into the night, gasping. He means to go to Tartarus, lose his way and be eaten, be attacked and burst—tomatoes, tomatoes—guts and blood—but it is past midnight and the school is the only thing there.

Stares at it, uncomprehending, his tears running his vision towards towers, stares and it and the gate and the spikes and thinks of teeth, pointed monster teeth and then square ones, bared and heavy and horse's.

2.

A day later, Yukari brings him canned juice and tries to touch him. He twists his head away and she looks annoyed. He is relieved and then she laces her fingers in his hair, burning hot. "You little brat, tell us next time." He thinks of towers and bites the inside of his mouth. "We were worried," she adds as an afterthought, smoothing out his fringe and, embarrassed, flicking his forehead.

1.

The next time he is called upon to do something in battle, he feels cold. Not a kid and not stupid, he sees them watching, thinks of blood and looks to Sanada, pulls the trigger and thinks of horses.