|It's a Mad, Mad, Mad Galaxy
Author: GreatOne PM
Demented little story co-written with AmidalachickRated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Luke S. & Darth Vader - Words: 4,932 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Published: 06-10-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5126759
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This is a co-authored story, written from a challenge at TFnet site. The challenge was to write an ending for someone else's story.
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Galaxy Humor
"Luke. I am your father."
The words echoed in Luke Skywalker's head as he stared in shock and horror at Darth Vader. The dark lord was claiming to be his father.
"No," Luke said. "It's not true!"
"Believe me, Luke," Vader said. "It's true."
Luke thought frantically.
"Alright, then," he said. "If you're my father, prove it. What's my middle initial?"
"E," Vader said promptly. "Luke E. Skywalker."
"How'd you know that?" Luke asked.
"Because I named you," Vader said.
"You what?" Luke gasped.
"I named you," Vader repeated. "Soon after, I changed my name to Darth Vader, so people would stop calling me Annie. Your mother and Obi-Wan freaked out and hid you and your sister from me. I-"
"I have a sister, too?" Luke screeched.
"Yup," Vader said proudly. "Her name's Leia. Leia P. Skywalker."
"Leia," Luke croaked. "Leia's my sister?" A horrible thought entered his brain. "Leia's really my sister?"
"That is correct," Vader confirmed.
"And - and I kissed her!" Luke wailed. "Nooooo!"
He released the pole he was clinging to and stood on the edge of the platform, ready to jump.
"Hang on!" Vader exclaimed. "Don't go without me!"
Luke wasn't paying any attention to him. That shaft went awfully far down...
"Come on, son!" Vader called, running past him. "Follow me! Wheee!"
Luke watched, amazed, as Vader cannonballed off the platform and sailed down the shaft. Suddenly, Luke felt a tug and then he was tumbling down with Vader.
"Aaaah!" Luke screamed.
"Isn't this great?" Vader screamed back.
They flew down the twisting, turning slide and were at the end in seconds. Next thing Luke knew, he was hanging from a bar trying not to look down at the ground, which was far, far away.
"Aaah," Vader sighed contentedly, hanging from his own bar. "Wasn't that fun?"
"No!" Luke said.
"And now we can spend some quality time together," Vader said.
Luke spotted the Millennium Falcon heading toward them.
"Sorry, 'Dad', but not today!" he said quickly. "I have to go."
"There's a washroom inside," Vader offered.
"No, I mean, I'm leaving," Luke said, rolling his eyes.
"Oh. Well, come back some other time," Vader said. "I'll show you a slide even better than that one."
The Falcon pulled up underneath Luke.
"Wait!" Vader called. His voice sounded sheepish. "Could you, uh, give me a lift?"
"Fine," Luke sighed. "But that doesn't mean I like you, understand?"
"Okay," Vader said as he scrambled after Luke into the Falcon.
Once they'd dropped Vader off, and Luke's wounds had been treated, he was trying to get some rest. But Leia came barging in.
"Why were you hanging around with Darth Vader?" she demanded. "And why did you give him a ride?"
"It's a long story," Luke said, squirming uncomfortably. "In fact, it's such a long story, and I'm so tired, that I think I'll tell it some other time. Hey, where's Han?"
"Long story," Leia said.
"Look, Leia, I promise I'll tell you about-" Luke began.
He was interrupted by a knock at the door.
"Excuse me," a droid said, holding out a card and a box of chocolates. "These are for you, Master Luke."
Luke took the gifts and opened the card under Leia's watchful eye. He read it silently to himself.
"Dear Luke, You really should accept your destiny. You know we're meant to be together. How about it? Sincerely, D."
"What's that?" Leia asked.
"Nothing," Luke gulped.
"Let me see!" Leia said, grabbing at the card. She read it, and burst out laughing. "So, Luke, who's D?"
"No one," Luke said shortly.
"Luke has an admirer, Luke has an admirer!" Leia sang.
Luke tossed the card and chocolates on his bed, and walked over to the window, trying to ignore Leia. It didn't work. She kept singing and dancing around until he couldn't take it anymore.
"Would you shut up!" he snapped. "I do not have an admirer, and that's final!"
"Fine!" Leia said, backing away and holding up her hands. "Temper, temper."
"Go!" Luke said. "Just go!"
"Yes, O great Jedi...I'm leaving now," Leia said.
"Go away!" Luke hissed. "Or I'll turn to the dark side and slaughter you."
"I'm gone," Leia said, disappearing.
Luke heaved a sigh of relief and stared out the window. But two seconds later, Lando Calrissian poked his head in.
"Hi there," he said loudly.
"Uhhh," Luke grunted.
"So...who is she?" Lando asked.
"Who?" Luke asked back.
"Her," Lando said, grinning broadly. "The mysterious Dee. You know, if you want, I can give you some tips on how to win the ladies. You can-"
"Did Leia tell you this?" Luke interrupted him.
"Well...uh, yeah," Lando said.
"Did she also tell you what I'd do if you two didn't leave me alone?" Luke continued.
"No," Lando said.
"Good," Luke said. "I want you to hear it from me. I do not have an admirer, and if you and Leia don't drop the matter, I'll chop you both into tiny pieces with my lightsaber. Is that clear?"
"Yes, Master Jedi," Lando said, gulping nervously. "If you'll excuse me now, I-uh, I have some, uh, business! See you around!"
He ran out the door, and Luke breathed another sigh of relief, and looked back to the window.
The next day, Luke was awakened by the sound of voices. Leia and Lando were standing by the window, talking quietly. When they realized Luke was awake, their conversation ended, and they smiled sheepishly at him.
"Oh, hello, Master Luke," C-3PO said, bustling into the room. "Oh, and Mistress Leia! Good morning!"
"Hello, Threepio," Luke and Leia said in unison.
"Master Luke, I have a delivery for you," Threepio said primly. He held a bouquet of flowers out to Luke.
"Who sent these?" Luke asked suspiciously.
"I do not know, Master Luke," Threepio said. "I was just instructed by the deliveryperson to bring them to you immediately."
"Thanks, Threepio," Luke sighed. He dumped the flowers on his bed, aware that Leia and Lando were smirking at him.
"Nice flowers, Luke," Leia said finally.
"Real nice," Lando whistled.
"Shut up," Luke said through clenched teeth.
"We're just-" Leia began.
Luke pointed at the door.
"Okay, okay, we get the point," Leia muttered as she and Lando slunk away.
At lunchtime, Luke headed down to the main eating room. Leia, Lando, and Chewbacca were there, busily discussing something. Luke sat down and cleared his throat.
"Aaah!" Leia and Lando yelped.
"Rrrr!" Chewie exclaimed in surprise.
"So," Luke said. "What were you talking about?"
"Han," Lando said.
"Oh," Luke said. "Are you finally going to tell me what happened to him?"
"Are we?" Leia asked, arching an eyebrow at Lando.
"Sure," Lando said. He grinned evilly. "If we tell him, maybe he can help us think up a plan to rescue Han, and then Han can help us figure out what's up with him."
"Mmm, good idea," Leia said. She got that wicked glint in her eye that said she was going to start teasing Luke.
"So? What happened?" Luke asked Lando, shooting Leia an evil look that warned her not to say a word.
"Han...got captured by Fett," Lando said. "He's on Tatooine in carbonite right now."
"And you want to rescue him?" Luke joked.
"Huh?" Leia and Lando said.
Luke sighed. "Tatooine's hot? He's in carbonite, which is cold? Get it?"
"Oh...yeah...clever," Leia and Lando said quickly. Chewie nodded agreement.
"Anyway, now that you know our secret, why don't you tell us yours?" Leia said craftily.
Luke stared at her, thoughts racing through his brain.
Luke...I am your father, said Vader's voice.
"So, Luke, who's D?" said Leia's voice.
...you and your sister... Vader said.
"Luke? Why are you staring at me like that?" Leia asked, interrupting his thoughts.
"Huh? Me? I wasn't-sorry," Luke stammered. "Uh, Han..."
"Never mind Han," Leia said. "Who's your admirer?"
"No one!" Luke exclaimed. "Why is that so hard for you to understand? I thought you were supposed to be a smart, educated Princess..."
"I thought you were supposed to be my friend," Leia retorted. "But I guess I was wrong! Friends share their secrets!"
"You want me to share my secrets?" Luke exploded. "Fine! I'll share them! I'll make you sorry!"
"Master Luke?" Threepio interrupted. "I've been sent by EM-DEE to say that it's time for your daily bacta bath."
"Not now, Threepio!" Luke yelled.
"Oh, but Master Luke, sir, EM-DEE requests-" Threepio began.
"Not now!" Luke snapped.
"As you wish," Threepio said, scurrying away.
"Okay, Luke, spill it," Leia said. Lando was listening intently.
Luke took a deep breath.
"'D' is not a secret admirer," he began. "'D' stands for Dar-"
"Master Luke, I'm afraid EM-DEE wants you to have your bacta bath immediately," Threepio said.
"How'd you get back here so fast?" Luke demanded.
"Oh...bless my circuits, I moved as fast as I could to relay EM-DEE's message," Threepio said pompously.
"Well, relay a message to EM-DEE saying that I'll be there in five minutes!" Luke said.
"Certainly, Master Luke," Threepio said. "I'll-"
"Now!" Luke said.
"Oh, yes," Threepio said, quickly leaving again. "Right away."
"Where was I?" Luke asked.
"You were gonna tell us who D is," Leia said.
"Oh yeah," Luke said. "Well, D is Darth Vader."
Leia and Lando gasped and their mouths fell open.
"D is also Dad," Luke said after a suitably dramatic pause.
"What?" Leia squeaked. "You mean...your father..."
"He's not just my father," Luke said, a twinkle in his eye now. "He's my sister's father, too."
"Sister?" Leia squealed.
"You're saying that Darth Vader's your father and you have a sister?" Lando said.
"That's exactly what I'm saying," Luke said.
Lando burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Luke asked indignantly.
"Your story," Lando said. "It's good, Luke. Really good. But tell us the truth now."
"That is the truth!" Luke exclaimed.
"Right," Lando said sarcastically. "And I knit for a living."
"Ask Vader," Luke said. "I dare you."
"Ask Vader? Are you crazy?" Lando gasped.
"What's wrong?" Luke asked with a sly grin. "You don't want to make sure I'm telling the truth?"
"Hey, we still have to rescue Han," Lando said, changing the subject.
"Yeah," Leia agreed.
They both seemed to forget about Luke and Vader then. Luke had never been more thankful for anything in his life.
When Luke woke up the next morning, he noticed a note on his bedside table.
Dear Luke, he read, Lando and I have gone to Tatooine to rescue Han. Come as soon as you get this. Sincerely, Leia.
"I can't believe it!" Luke grumbled. "They left without me!" He started to crumple the note to throw it away. But one line caught his eye.
"Come as soon as I get this, eh?" he said, a wicked grin appearing on his face. "Well, I'll show them! I'll just stay right here!"
"Where am I?" Han sputtered as he groped sightlessly toward the person holding his head. "Why can't I see? Who are you? What's that really bad smell? Why am I all wet?"
"Are you quite through?" Leia asked, irritated. She slapped his face. "Watch where you're putting those hands!"
A rumbling laugh sounded.
"What's that?" Han continued. "I know that laugh..."
"I should have left you in carbonite," Leia muttered. "Where is Luke? He was supposed to be here hours ago!"
"Luke? Luke's coming here?"
"Shut up Solo!" Leia yelled loudly.
"Ahhh... now I know who you are...you're her Worshipfulness!" Han crowed, pleased with his reasoning.
Leia stood up quickly, dropping Solo's head on the surface of the ground.
"I warned you! No more stupid nicknames! Just for that, I'm leaving you here," she shouted down at Solo.
*That's what you think,* Jabba rumbled. *Guards! Throw her in the dungeon! I will feed her to my Rancor later.*
"NOOOO!" Leia screamed as the guards pulled her away.
"What are you planning on doing to me?" Han asked worriedly.
*Muahahahaha!* Jabba laughed loudly. *You will become my pet love-slave! Put him in a bikini and chains! *
"Wait!" Solo protested. Aren't you a GUY?"
*Muahahahahha.... I am a WORM! I am a hermaphrodite!* Jabba replied happily.
Han was hauled off.
..Son...Vader spoke to Luke through the Force. Please. I love you, my little Lukey boy. Come home! There's no place like home! Luke thought back, annoyed.
Home? Where's HOME?
WHAT? That krething planet? Anywhere but there!
Krething? You've been hanging around that Corellian too long. I will have to wash your mouth out with sand when you come home.
Luke cut off the connection. "Now everyone's on Tatooine, and here I am - missing out on all the fun!" Determined not to be left out, Luke jumped in his X-Wing and took off, blithely ignoring General Rieekan yelling at him over the comlink.
"SKYWALKER! Get back here this instant! That's Rebel property you're stealing!"
Meanwhile...back on Tatooine...
Leia and Chewie were dragged out of the dungeon and brought before Jabba. When they saw Han chained to the Hutt wearing only a metal gold g-string, Chewie started rolling on the floor in hysterics. *That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!*
"Shut up, you stupid Wookiee!" Han yelled down from the dais. "I'm gonna shave you bald the first chance I get!"
"I've got to admit, Solo," Leia said clutching her side in laughter. "I've never seen you look better!"
*QUIET!* Jabba roared, pulling on Solo's neck chain. *You will dance for me, Solo! Or I will feed your girlfriend to my pet monster!*
"I ain't dancin' for you!" Han said stubbornly. "It's all her Highnessness's fault I'm in this mess anyway, so go ahead and feed her to your pet." He looked at Chewie who was still on the floor, laughing. "As a matter of fact... feed them BOTH to the monster!"
*That sounds like a fine idea!* Jabba roared happily.
"Wait!" Lando yelled, pulling off his face covering. "You can't do that!"
"Why not?" *Why not?* both Han and Jabba asked at the same time.
"Well.... " Lando said with a shrug. "Heck if I know."
"I don't like Lando, either," Han told Jabba. "Can you feed him to your monster, too?"
*Sure!* Jabba said, drool dripping from his*her enormous mouth. *Give me a big kiss, Solo.* Jabba pulled the Corellian toward the huge mouth, and gave Solo a big, wet kiss right on his lips.
"Yuck!" Han said, gagging on the slobber.
"You deserved that," Leia said primly. "Lando only wanted to help you."
"I just love Lando's way of 'helping me'," Han shot back.
The platform beneath her feet gave way, and the Princess, Lando and Chewie dropped into the Rancor's pit.
"Okay!" Luke said as he jumped out of his stolen X-Wing and looked up at Artoo. "Now where do you suppose my dad is?"
"Right behind you, son," Vader rumbled.
"Why do you always scare me?" Luke demanded as he turned around.
"You frighten too easily."
"Ha! If you found out your dad is a big old mean Sith, you'd be scared, too!"
"Point taken," Vader replied, nodding in agreement. "But we have a problem. Your sister went into Jabba's palace looking for that worthless boyfriend and I sense she is in trouble."
"So I suppose we have to go rescue her," Luke asked, irritated.
"Geez-o-pete," Luke complained. "All I ever do is rescue her!"
"Come, son. We must hurry," Vader said, pulling on Luke's sleeve.
"I'm coming!" Luke said sharply.
"That's gotta be the ugliest beast I've ever seen!" Lando gasped as he stared at the approaching Rancor.
"Rwooowughhh!" Chewie yelled, hiding behind Leia.
"There are three of us," Leia pointed out. "We should be able to kill it."
"Oh... sure," Lando replied dubiously. "Maybe if we feed it the Wookiee, it'll choke on a giant hairball before it can eat us."
"MRUROOUGHH!" Chewie yelled loudly, grabbing Lando and throwing him toward the Rancor. The huge beast snatched Calrissian in its claws, and the gambler could only watch in horror as he was lifted up to the sharp teeth of the monster.
"NOOOO!" Lando yelled.
"Dad?" Luke said as they approached the palace in a land speeder.
"What does the 'E' stand for?"
"You said my name was Luke E. Skywalker. What does the 'E' stand for? Owen and Beru refused to tell me."
"ELWOOD? What kind of monster would name his son ELWOOD?" Luke grabbed his lightsaber out of his pocket. "I'm mighty tempted to turn to the dark side right now!"
"There is nothing wrong with the name Elwood. It's a fine name," Vader declared, ignoring Luke waving his lightsaber around.
"What does the 'P' stand for?"
"What 'P'? Your name doesn't have a 'P' in it. You need to go back to school."
"Leia's middle name. You said it was Leia P. Skywalker."
Luke laughed so hard he fell out of the speeder. Vader turned the craft around and stopped, looking down at his son. "Would you quit playing around, boy? We're almost there." The Sith pointed at Jabba's palace, a short distance away.
"Oh, all right. But it's nice to know you've got a sense of humor, dad."
Only Lando's feet showed out between the fangs of the Rancor when a blaster shot came from the doorway, hitting the Rancor between its eyes and dropping it to the ground - dead. Leia spun around to face the door, looking at one of Jabba's dancing girls. "Who are you?"
"My real name - I think - is Mara Jade," she introduced herself to Leia.
"Why are you helping us?"
Mara shrugged. "I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Baron Calrissian. He's so suave and sophisticated."
"Lando?" Leia asked incredulously.
"Yes?" a muffled voice came from inside the mouth of the dead Rancor.
"Let me help you, honey," Mara purred as she pried open the Rancor's jaws.
"Do I know you?" Lando asked as he stood up, straightening his clothes carefully.
"Of course.... I've been watching you for a very long time," Mara replied with a coy smile.
Lando grinned at Leia. "See? I am a ladies man! I told you so!"
"Let's get out of here," Mara said, pulling on Lando's hand.
"What about Han?"
"You mean you still want to rescue him?" Mara asked, surprised.
The gambler looked at the Princess. "It's your call... he's your boyfriend."
"I guess we'll go get him," Leia replied thoughtfully. "He did look awfully cute in that gold bikini."
"My name is Luke Skywalker, and I'm here to rescue Captain Solo," Luke declared to the Hutt. Then he frowned, looking at what Han was wearing. "Although, honestly, I'm not sure why I want to rescue him."
"Thanks a lot, kid. Remind me never to stick you inside a dead Tauntaun again."
*Ha. Ha. HA!* Jabba laughed. *You can't have Solo. He's mine.* Jabba planted another big sloppy kiss on Han's mouth.
"Ewwwww," Luke said. He turned to Vader, whining, "Dad, Jabba's not listening to me."
"Dad?" Han asked, wiping the goo from his face.
"Darth Vader is my dad. And Leia is my sister," Luke replied proudly.
"EWWWW," Han yelled. "You KISSED your sister?"
"Don't remind me."
"I'M YOUR SISTER?" Leia's loud voice asked from behind Luke as the Princess, Chewie, Lando and Mara re-entered the throne room after escaping from the Rancor pit. "I don't believe you! You're a liar!"
"I'm not lying... tell her, dad!"
"I'm your father, Leia Patience Skywalker."
"Patience?" Han asked. "Your middle name is PATIENCE?" Han roared with laughter.
"SHUT UP!" Leia yelled at Han, then turned to Vader. "I'm NOT your daughter!"
"Search your feelings.... you know I'm speaking the truth."
Leia shut her eyes, searching her feelings. "ARGUGGHHH! Nooooo! I KISSED my OWN brother!"
"I know," Luke said with a shudder. "Isn't that the grossest thing ever?"
*It sounds perfectly fine to me,* Jabba said, planting another kiss on Han.
"Would someone PLEASE kill this fat slug? He... or she.. drowning me in slobber!" Han complained.
Vader shot Force-lightning at Jabba, frying him into a sizzling blob of melted green glop. Then the Dark Lord looked at Jade. "What are you doing here?"
Mara smiled at Luke as she answered Vader. "Palpatine sent me to kill Luke. But he's too cute to kill, so I'm going to marry him, instead."
"Hey!" Lando protested. "What about me?"
"You?" Mara asked, puzzled.
"Five minutes ago you said you loved me!" Lando pointed out.
"Oh, yes. Well, I was just pretending to love you. Actually, I love Luke."
"It's about time someone loved me," Luke declared, grabbing Mara and kissing her.
"And I'm not even your sister - I think," Mara said with a giggle.
Han jumped down off the platform and strolled over to Leia. "Sweetheart, do you still love me? I was only joking when I told Jabba to feed you to the Rancor."
"Of course, nerfherder." Han and Leia kissed passionately, until Leia pushed him away abruptly. "Gross. You taste like Hutt slobber!"
"It's not my fault!"
"We already blew up one Death Star!" Luke complained to Darth Vader. "Why do we have to do the same thing, over and over again?"
"Lack of imagination?" Vader mused thoughtfully. "Anyway, while your sister and her betrothed are dismantling the shield generator, we will sneak onto the Death Star."
"What about Lando? He's planning on blowing up the Death Star as soon as Han has the generator turned off. Why do we have to go onboard the battle station at all? Isn't this a big, unnecessary risk?"
"You sure do ask a lot of questions, Skywalker," Mara said, sitting behind Vader and Luke in the shuttle. "It's a good thing you're so cute, or I might be forced to hurt you. I give a mean arm rub."
Vader turned his helmeted face toward his son. "We must return to the Death Star. I left something very important onboard, and I must retrieve it."
"What could be that important?"
Darth Vader mumbled something Luke could not understand. "What? I didn't hear you, dad."
"I said.... I left my collection in my room."
"Collection? Collection of what?"
"Model fighter ships."
"WHAT?" Luke screeched. "We're risking life and limb for some dumb plastic TOYS?"
"Those are not toys!" Vader replied indignantly. "It takes great skill to glue all those little pieces together. I've had them since I was a little kid. I'm not leaving them - they're collector's items."
"Don't make the Sith mad, Lukie," Mara advised sagely.
*I think those teddy bear things gave me lice,* Chewie moaned to his Captain as he scratched his fur. *Why are we letting them help us?*
"Because they're cute. Everyone likes cute teddy bears," Han replied.
*They tried roasting you!*
"And then they made me a member of their tribe. They didn't make YOU a member of their tribe, I notice. What's the matter, are you jealous?"
*I'm not jealous! I just don't like them, that's all.*
"Would you quit complaining?" Han grumbled. "We have to plant these bombs in the generator."
"Maybe we should wait until Luke leaves the Death Star before we do that," Leia suggested.
"Because Luke's my brother."
"But.... he kissed you!"
"Ewwwww.... you're right... let's blow this thing sky high." Leia grabbed a handful of bombs and ran into the generator station.
Darth Vader carefully placed all his models into a special carrying case, one by one.
"Will you hurry it up?" Luke prodded as he looked out the window. "Those real X-Wings are getting closer and closer."
"Do not rush me," Vader intoned. "These babies are very fragile."
"HA!" A rusty old voice said from Vader's doorway. "Thought you could just sneak onboard and I wouldn't know it, didn't you? Well, I'm Palpatine, the Greatest Sith of All Time! Nothing gets past me!"
"Master?" Vader hissed out, spinning around and facing the Emperor.
"Mara?" Palpatine spluttered in surprise.
"Master?" Mara asked, shocked.
"Mara?" Luke asked.
"What?" Mara replied, glaring at Luke.
"It was my turn...oh, never mind." Luke turned to face Palpatine. "I thought nothing got past you," Luke goaded the Emperor gleefully. "Yet you're surprised Mara is here...."
"Turn to the dark side, Luke Elwood Skywalker!" Palpatine replied, ignoring Luke's taunt. "Together, we will rule the galaxy!"
"Don't call me Elwood!" Luke shouted in anger.
"What about me?" Vader put in, annoyed. "I thought I was your best friend!"
"You're not getting my Luke!" Mara said, stepping in front of the young Jedi and turning on her lightsaber. "I'll die for him first, even if his middle name is Elwood."
"Mara.... I can handle this," Luke said, trying to push her aside.
"No..." Vader ground out. "Let me handle this."
Mara's green eyes flashed in anger. "Why can't I handle this? Because I'm a woman? Is that it?"
"Yes... feel your hatred," Palpatine encouraged. "Embrace your inner dark side! Feel it surround you... soothe you... like a warm bubble bath...."
All three turned and yelled at the Sith. "Shut up old man!"
"Do not tell your elders to shut up," the Emperor roared out. "That is just plain rude and disrespectful."
Vader, Mara and Luke turned on their lightsabers and started toward the Emperor. "What do you think you're doing?" Palpatine demanded, backing away. "Three against one isn't fair!" Force-lightning shot out from his fingertips - but the three turned it backwards, and the Force-lightning slammed into the Emperor instead. "Owwwww... that stings!"
"I guess you've felt the power of the dark side," Luke said, grinning.
"A comedian, eh?" Palpatine said with a sneer. "Well, take this!" Palpatine reached up and poked Luke in both eyes with his gnarled fingers. "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!"
"My eyes! My eyes!"
"Hey!" Mara exclaimed. "That's not fair either!" The Emperor's former Hand turned off her lightsaber and hit the handle over Palpatine's noggin.
"Ouch! That's cheating!"
"You think that's cheating?" Vader asked, reaching down and pulling the bottom of Palpatine's long robe. The Emperor's feet flew out from under him, and he crashed to the floor. "Take that, you old prune!"
"Oh my goddess! The Emperor isn't wearing any clothes under that robe," Mara screeched out.
"My eyes! My eyes!" Luke yelled, covering his face.
Palpatine quickly pushed his robe down and jumped up, surprisingly spry for his advanced age. "Now you've seen my unmentionables! I'm melting! I'm mmmeeeelting!"
Luke, Mara and Vader watched in amazement as the Sith shriveled up and melted into a purple puddle. "So that's how you kill a Sith," Luke muttered in awe. "You embarrass him to death."
"I'm sure Luke got off that thing before it blew," Han commented as he squinted up at the exploding Death Star.
"He did... I feel it," Leia said with a dreamy smile.
"That's your brother you're feeling, just in case you've forgotten."
Leia glared as Han tended her wounded arm. "You still haven't said those three little words," she told him, annoyed.
"Ahhh, Princess, of course I love me." Han laid Leia down in the ferns and they kissed passionately.
*Get a room, you two,* Chewie barked out in disgust as he stalked away.
"I now pronounce you husbands and wives," General Rieekan announced loudly, above the hooting and hollering of all the Ewoks.
Mara and Luke, and Han and Leia, kissed and kissed - until Daddy Vader used the Force to pull them apart.
Then Luke glanced over at a big bonfire, and noticed Obi-Wan and Yoda standing in the flames. "Isn't it a bit warm in there?" Luke asked.
Obi-Wan looked down, surprise showing on his face. "Ahhhh... Hot Feet! Hot Feet!" Luke gave a fond smile as he watched the apparitions jumping around in the burning embers, then Mara dragged him away from the fire and together they all watched as the Ewoks danced the night away. It wasn't the way any of them ever imagined they'd spend their wedding night.