Author: Alex Snape PM
Of course The Joker has a sweet tooth...especially when it comes to Harley. Fluffy! If you don't like it or are not amused in the slightest by fluff, then do not read. If so, this is rated M for language and sexual references. Nolanverse Joker and HarleyRated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Humor - The Joker & Harley Quinn - Words: 2,951 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 6 - Published: 06-10-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5128749
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
If you've read my other oneshots, you'll have figured out by now that I sometimes like to be really fluffy. That is what you are about to read. Enjoy! XD Please review!
Harley grunted as she reached for the very top of the kitchen cabinet. "Dammit," she muttered to herself. "Why do you have to be so short, Harl?"
She began to lift her knee to climb onto the counter until she heard a voice behind her. "Miss Quinn," said Mike, one of The Joker's men. "I wouldn't do that. How you gonna explain a busted arm or leg to the Boss, huh?"
Harley turned and smiled at him as she leaned against the counter. "I'll just tell Mistah J that I was trying to make him a little special something."
"Oh?" Mike asked, raising an eyebrow as he brought down the large mixing bowl from the cabinet. "What's the occasion?"
"Nothing, really," she answered. "I'm just bored so I thought I'd make a strawberry cake from scratch. My grandmother used to bake all the time and I love doing it."
Mike smiled. "The Boss is a lucky guy to have a girl who will actually do that for him."
"You mean…your girlfriend doesn't make you special surprise cakes, Mikey?"
"Nah," he said as he sat at the kitchen table. "I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't know how to cook Ramen noodles."
"Oh, come on, Mikey," said Harley as she began to mix flour and sugar into the bowl. "Give her some credit. You've been dating how long?"
"Three weeks…and I'm starting to get bored." Mike took out his pocket knife and began to clean his fingernails. "How long have you been here, Miss Quinn?"
"Harley, Mikey. I keep telling you to call me Harley." she corrected him, smiling.
He grinned back at her. "Harley, I mean. You and the Boss have been together, what…only a month or so now?"
"Longer than that," she replied as she added eggs and oil to her mixture. "About six months. So, you're bored with your girl already, Mikey? Seems like you two should be in the 'honeymoon stage' of your relationship."
Mike looked down at his fingernails and grimaced. "She's kind of a home-body, you know. Hardly ever wants to go out or anything. How is it that you and The Joker are still together?" He stopped himself and suddenly looked at Harley, whose face was wearing a slightly offended expression. He snickered and added, "What I mean is…well…you know…he's out most of the time and you stay here…how is it you make it work, Miss – uh, I mean, Harley?"
Her face relaxed as she began to stir the cake batter with a large wooden spoon. "Well, I really don't know how to explain it, Mikey. I guess we have this chemistry that just draws us to each other. I remember, in Arkham, how I couldn't stop thinking about him…he intrigued me from the very beginning. I was living a kind of sheltered life and then BOOM! There he was…sort of like my knight in shining armor…well, purple armor, I guess." She giggled to herself. "Sorry, that was kind of lame."
Mike laughed. "It's okay."
Harley shrugged as she brought out a hand-held electric mixer. "We try to keep things interesting, Mikey. You guys probably think that he just comes home, we fuck like minks and then we go to bed."
"I'll agree, Harley," Mike said, nodding. "It definitely sounds like that every night."
Harley laughed loudly as she plugged in the mixer. "Well, we won't go into detail then. I'll admit that he can be rather…harsh…but then the next moment…he'll be walking past me in the hallway and then suddenly grab me and dip me, like we were doing a tango or something. One night, he'll come home all grumpy and the next day he's bringing me a big bouquet of roses." She sighed and said proudly, "I'm very happy to have finally found someone that can surprise me everyday…whether it's with a gift or with a big smile."
They were silent for a moment as Harley mixed the cake batter. Suddenly, she cursed, "Shit!"
Mike lifted his head. "What happened?"
"I forgot to go get the ice cream," she muttered. "Dammit!"
Mike shrugged and smirked. "So what? Just have cake."
Harley once again gave him an offended look. "You can't have cake without ice cream! Ice cream is mandatory." She sighed and put her hands on her hips.
"Hey, I'll go get it for you, Harl," Mike told her as he stood up and put away his pocket knife. "I'll just go to the corner store on 5th."
"Ew!" Harley exclaimed. "Their ice cream sucks. Go to the grocery store that's on Atlantic and Gorshin."
Mike's eyes grew wide. "What? Really? That's on the other side of town!"
"Their ice cream is better because they have more selection," Harley insisted.
Mike sighed. "Okay…I'll go to that one. What kind of ice cream?"
"Why do you want me to go on the other side of Gotham City to a crowded grocery store where they have a huge selection of ice cream…and all you want is plain strawberry?"
Harley sighed as she put the fresh strawberries she had just gotten from the fridge onto the table. "Because it's Mistah J's favorite."
Mike took a deep breath, finally understanding. "Enough said then." He grabbed his coat from the sofa and said, walking out, "If I'm not back in an hour, send a search party."
Harley turned her attention back to her strawberries. After she had perfectly chopped a few, she reached into the pantry and brought out the strawberry icing. "Well, at least most of it is homemade."
She stirred the cake batter a bit more until she heard the front door open. Harley looked up and saw The Joker taking off his purple coat and throwing it across the sofa, sighing. She was about to say something to him, but realized that he didn't notice her in the kitchen because he sat in front of the television and took off his shoes. He groaned as he lay on his back on the big cushions.
Harley smirked as she put the electric mixer into the batter and bit her lip as she turned it on. The loud whirring startled The Joker so much that he shot up from his relaxed position and drew his gun, aiming it directly at Harley. She screamed and quickly turned off the mixer.
The Joker growled and set his gun on the coffee table. "Jesus, Harley! That scared the piss outta me!" He gave her a threatening look, but all he got in return was his girlfriend trying to suppress her giggling.
"Sorry, Puddin'," she said, through muffled laughter. "I couldn't resist. Even you have to admit, you'd do the same thing to me."
The Joker sighed as he stood up and popped his neck. He walked closer to Harley and his face softened and he finally chuckled. "Yeah…you're right, baby," he mumbled.
"You look tired," she told him. "You know what'll perk you up?"
He looked at her and saw that she was dressed in a yellow tank top with dark blue yoga pants. He walked around to the other side of the table and she giggled as he came up behind her and squeezed her bottom. Harley squealed and he chuckled mischievously as he put his lips to her neck and whispered, "A kiss? Right?"
Harley put down the mixer and quickly turned to face him. "Close your eyes."
He smirked and shut his eyes tight, making her giggle more. He put his hands behind his back as he leaned in for his kiss, but Harley instead put a whole strawberry in his mouth. He moaned in surprise and opened his eyes to meet her smiling face, and he bit through his treat. The Joker licked his lips and said, "What's the occasion?"
Harley shrugged. "I just felt like baking a cake for you. Strawberry, of course."
"But of course," he growled again as he brought his lips to hers and gave her a deep kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and could feel his scars brush gently against her cheeks. When they pulled away from each other, The Joker chuckled when he saw that some of his makeup had smudged onto her face. "Oops…"
"I don't care," she said as she wiped her face with a dish towel. "Now, go away. I'm not done baking."
He smirked. "Don't tell me to get out of my own kitchen, woman. I can watch you if I feel like it."
"Fine," Harley said as she turned on the mixer again. "Just try not to get in the way; I have to concentrate."
"Yes, ma'am," he said sarcastically as he sat beside her while she worked.
The Joker watched as she carefully folded the chopped strawberries into the batter and added the perfect amount of red food coloring to give it a soft pink tint. He lightly tapped his fingers on the table as he eyed her body, moving his gaze up and down her legs and pert bottom. He thought about how cute she looked as she stood over a now flour-covered table in her pajamas while making him his favorite cake. She shifted some of her weight to one side of her hip as she brought up her left foot and rested it on the inside of her right thigh, her toes curled.
The Joker suddenly chuckled and asked, over the whirring of the mixer, "Why do you do that?"
Harley turned off the mixer and replied, "Do what?"
"That," he motioned to her stance. "You look like a stork."
Harley huffed and rolled her eyes and grinned. "It's comfortable. I do this a lot."
"I know you do. When you're cooking, washing dishes, folding clothes…you look like a bird." All he got in reply was the whirring of the mixer again and he stood up and looked over Harley's shoulder. "Can I lick the beaters?"
Harley rolled her eyes again, but then a malicious smile crawled across her face. "Sure," she cooed. "Knock yourself out." She brought out the still spinning mixer from the batter and it splattered onto The Joker's face. He turned his head sharply and Harley turned off the mixer and laughed as he looked at her again.
Harley guffawed loudly as she saw that her little prank had caused his face to be perfectly sprayed with pink batter. He stood up straighter and wiped his right eye, causing some of his black paint to smear. He shot her an annoyed glare, but she only stifled her laughter to soft giggling. "You want some more, Puddin'?"
He stepped closer and grabbed the mixer and threw it across the room, making Harley's laughter cease and causing her to give him a worried look. He sighed and looked at the bowl of batter. "You know what, Sweet Girl?" he snarled as he grabbed the large wooden spoon. Harley held her breath as he continued to glare at her, but he put the spoon into the batter and said, "I really do prefer it from the bowl." With that, he catapulted a giant helping of the pink batter at Harley, making it land across her chest.
She shrieked as he started to cackle. "Oh…my…God!" she shouted as his laughing grew louder and he flung another giant spoonful toward her and it landed once again on her chest.
"Hey," he said. "I think you need to make more. This isn't enough for a cake."
"This shit is cold!" Harley cried.
The Joker laughed again and said, as he pointed to her nipples through her thin tank top, "I noticed." Harley sighed, frustrated that her pranks were coming back to haunt her with her boyfriend's own brand of tricks. He noticed her pouty look and said, "Now, now…don't be a sore loser."
"Ha. Loser?" Harley said, putting her hands on her hips. She turned and walked to the fridge and The Joker creased his brow as he tried to see what she was pulling from the inside of it. She walked back over to him with the object behind her back.
The Joker chuckled. "Whatcha got there, darlin'?" he asked, smugly.
The answer he got was a handful of chocolate syrup across his face.
Harley giggled triumphantly as the chocolate dripped from his face and onto the floor. He grabbed the syrup bottle from her and slammed it onto the table, all the while scooping up a big handful of strawberry icing and throwing it down the front of her yoga pants, making her scream.
"Oh, yeah!" he shouted. "I love it when you scream, baby. I'll bet you're not wearing any panties, too, huh?"
"You'd like that, wouldn't you, asshole?" she answered in an aggravated tone.
"Uh oh," he said, smirking. "Someone's giving Daddy a dirty mouth." He reached behind him and scooped up more icing. "I'm gonna have to administer a sound spanking." He whirled her around to where she was bent over the table and he quickly yanked down her pants and smacked her round bottom with his icing-filled hand. She hurriedly stood up and pulled up her pants and gave him a dirty look while his laughter echoed around the theatre. When he stopped, he took a deep breath and said, "Okay, Harley Baby. Truce."
He sat in front her and motioned for her to come to him, both of them covered in sticky batter and icing. Harley hesitated and then slowly straddled him as he placed his hands on her hips. "That's a good girl," he sighed as he made her grind her hips into his. She kissed him passionately, unbuttoning his vest and slowly taking off his tie. He helped her advances by unbuttoning the first three buttons of his shirt and she wrapped her arms around his neck as they kissed harder. The Joker was suddenly thrown off his guard when he felt a handful of cold, chopped strawberries fall into his shirt and Harley pushing them onto his chest, making their juices stain his skin.
He pulled his lips away from her and groaned. "Girl…you don't know what you just started," he said and, in response to her evil grin, he suddenly lifted her up and rose out of his chair. He laid her across the table on her back and watched as the flour and sugar she had spilled mingle with her ponytail. He took off his vest and shirt and grabbed Harley's yellow tank top, forcefully ripping it open to reveal her sugary-coated breasts. She moaned loudly as he brought his lips to her chest and hungrily devoured her, making her writhe as she wrapped her legs tighter around his hips.
He grabbed another handful of cake batter and smeared it across her neck and breasts and continued to lap at her warm skin as she moaned louder and pulled his hair. Harley gently pushed him up and grabbed the bottle of chocolate syrup and squirted it on his chest. She ran her hands over his pectorals and shoulders and he grabbed her wrists and began to slurp up the chocolate that was beginning to run down her arms. Their heavy breathing and passionate moans were now reverberating off the ceiling as The Joker began to grind his hips into Harley's.
He ran his lips over her neck and to her ear and whispered, "I think we can skip dessert."
She moaned in agreement as he lifted her up and she wrapped herself around him as he carried up the stairs and into the bedroom.
Twenty minutes later, Mike entered through the front door of the theatre and took off his jacket. "Hey, Harley," he called out. "I'm back from Egypt with your precious ice cream for your precious cake." He looked around when he didn't get a response. "Harley? Boss?"
He quickly turned when he heard the bedroom door opening and closing and saw his Boss casually walking down the stairs. Mike noticed that The Joker was wearing nothing but his purple, pin-striped pants, his suspenders drooping at his sides, and his upper body smeared with chocolate syrup and painted with small pink handprints. He walked past Mike and smirked at him. He went to the cupboard and brought down a tall glass and a jug of milk from the fridge. He gulped down his drink greedily and then walked toward the stairs again.
The Joker stopped in front of Mike and spied the small pint of strawberry ice cream he was holding. He gingerly took it from him and pursed his lips. "This'll do nicely," he muttered. "Thanks, Mike."
"Uh…" was Mike's reply, but The Joker wasn't listening as he was hurrying up the stairs and into the bedroom. Mike stood there with a confused look on his face until Harley's surprised scream emitted from behind the door.
"Harley," came The Joker's voice. "You have to have ice cream with cake. It's mandatory."