|You've Gotta See This!
Author: andy has an idea PM
One-shot. Humorous anecdote about bored Chuunin on a slow day. Takes place shortly before the begining of Shippuuden Part 2 before Naruto's return. Rated T for Coarse Language and Crude humor. No pairings, just fun.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Shikamaru N. - Words: 3,293 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 1 - Published: 06-11-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5128960
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: First off, I'd like to appoligize about this story. I was thinking of situations for my BIG story Who is Nara Shikamaru? when this completely retarded idea popped into my head. Since it was too stupid to put in that story, I made it a one-shot.
Warning: Some suggestive language and crude humor.
You've Gotta See This
Konoha was quiet. Well, at least in the sense that nothing major was going on. The normal hustle and bustle of the market place gave it a sense of motion and noise but to the average citizen, it was as innocuous as a soft breeze on a warm afternoon. A lot of them were taking advantage of the lull in activities by lounging lazily on porches and balconies enjoying the nice weather. Children were playing happily on a grassy knoll free of the burden of responsibility. Only a select few were milling about tending to menial tasks.
Having dropped off his charge, Shikamaru envied those with nothing to do but enjoy the weather. The clouds seemed rather nice today and off the top of his head, he could think of a few places he would rather be at the moment. His charge would be in a meeting for at least a couple of hours which meant he had some time to kill. Debating briefly in his mind over the repercussions of leaving his post, he concluded that the reward far outweighed the risk and trekked off in the direction of one of those places.
He had not gotten far when he heard a rough bark followed by, "Hey, Shikamaru!"
Turning to find the source, he saw Kiba standing in at the edge of an alleyway with Akamaru.
"You've gotta see this!" Kiba said shoving a thumb in the direction of the alley behind him.
Although he appeared uninterested and lethargic on the outside, Shikamaru could help but feel a little curiosity as to what his friend was referring to. Leaning to his left a little, enabled him to peer around his friend and catch a glimpse of the alley which, for all intensive purposes, was abandoned. At a glance, he found nothing of interest but his friend seemed adamant. Shrugging his shoulders, he bit.
Kiba's eyes grew wide as saucers and he beckoned his friend to join him. Shikamaru slowly approached shoving his hands in his pockets as an outward sign of defying his own curiosity.
"Dude," Kiba said holding the word out longer than he needed to. "It's fuckin' weird."
Kiba turned down the alley and began walking at a pace not of Shikamaru's liking but none the less, he kept it. The quicker he satisfied his growing curiosity; the quicker he could get back to his original plan. They reached a section of the alley and stopped where it indented into the building creating a nook which was occupied by storage crates. The crates, however, were not the soul occupants.
A vagrant woman sat perched atop one of the crates, doing what most everyone else was doing that day, basking in the sun. Although she was ragged and smelled of old sweat and dirt, she was by no means what Shikamaru would consider weird. His curiosity vanished and he felt like he had wasted his time. As he turned to leave, Kiba stopped him.
"Wait, you haven't seen it yet." Kiba turned to the woman. "Show him."
The woman gave a crooked smile. "If you want to see it, again. It'll cost you."
Her missing teeth and dirty face gave Shikamaru the chills and as she laughed he felt an uneasy suspicion about her.
"How much?" Kiba asked like he was negotiating the market price.
"Ten ryo," the woman coughed. Her decrepit form had suggested years of negligence and Shikamaru wondered how someone could let themselves go like that.
"Well," Kiba said looking at Shikamaru. "Pay the woman."
"Tch," Shikamaru looked at his friend annoyed. "Why do I have to pay? You're the one who wanted me to see her."
Kiba ignored reason. "Trust me. It's like nothing you've ever seen before!"
Shikamaru looked at him like he was crazy but Kiba held a determined look in his eye and an excited expression on his face. When had Kiba grown so stubborn? Justifying in his mind, he had spent more on stupider endeavors with his friends before so a ten spot didn't seem all that important. Relenting, he pulled out his wallet and began sifting through finding the right denomination but not without grumbling 'troublesome'. As he pulled the bill out of his wallet, Kiba snatched it out of his hand and held it in front of the woman's face.
"Show him," Kiba said eagerly.
The woman took the money from him and sniffed it eagerly. A gratifying smile crept upon her visage. Without a word, the woman folded the bill and stuck it inside her kimono. She reached down and grabbed the bottom of her kimono pulling it up to her waist and exposing herself to the young men.
What Shikamaru saw made him cringe and look away. He knew what it was supposed to look like but this one had something seriously wrong with it. At this point, he was sure he was scarred for life. He was completely disgusted but at the same time, intrigued. His eyes turned to catch a glimpse again. The shock value was the same but he couldn't tear his eyes away. The curiosity was overwhelming. His face turned to look straight at it.
"That's fuckin' weird," he said.
"I told you," Kiba said transfixed as well.
Kiba's hand rose and slowly extended in the direction of it. Shikamaru slapped his hand out of the air.
"Don't touch it!" Shikamaru's voice held alarm as he spoke. "You don't know what it is."
Akamaru let out a guttural growl in reaction to his slap.
"You can look all you want." The woman coughed. "But it will cost you another ten ryo if you want to touch."
"Ok." Kiba just drew his hand back but continued to stare. After a minute of silence, the woman pushed her kimono back down ending the show.
"Thank you very much, boys." The woman laughed heartily.
"You're welcome," Kiba said still staring at what was now covered up by the kimono.
Shikamaru grabbed his arm and began leading him out of the alley until Kiba was capable of moving on his own.
"How did you find that?" asked Shikamaru.
"We were walking along and I smelled it so I began to investigate," Kiba explained.
"Figures," Shikamaru grumbled.
As they reached the end of the alley, they ran into Shino who couldn't have appeared more detached. Shikamaru was confounded by what he had just seen. So much so, that it claimed the fullness of his attention, a state that didn't go unnoticed by Shino.
"What has perplexed our friend so?" Shino asked Kiba.
"I showed him that," Kiba said pointing down the alley.
Shino took a second to gaze down the alley before looking back at Shikamaru. If he'd made a facial expression, no one would have known.
"I see," said Shino. "It is quite irregular."
Shino did not elaborate further and Kiba knew him well enough not to ask. Shikamaru seemed to be coming out of his stupor and he looked questioningly at Shino.
"You've seen it, too?" Shikamaru asked and Shino just nodded. He looked as if he wanted to ask more but the questions just would not formulate. He grumbled 'troublesome' in a small show of frustration. An idea found Kiba's brain.
"We should show Hinata." Kiba suggested. "She'll probably want to see it."
Both young men just looked at their friend incredulously. Shino became the voice of reason.
"That would be beyond unwise," said Shino. "Perhaps in the realm of absurd."
Kiba began mulling over Shino's words in his mind, soon siding with the reasonable.
"Hey guys!" an overexcited voice called from down the road. All heads swung to see who was calling them and it was the youths of team Gai. Lee made an effort to arrive there before the others did.
"How are you guys doing on this fair weather day. Isn't the sunshine wonderful?" Lee inquired. Shikamaru was sure that no human being could possibly be this excited. Neji and Tenten joined them, lacking the excitement their teammate was brimming with.
"This day is entirely too slow," Tenten complained. "When are we going to see some action again?"
"Do not fret, dear Tenten," Lee proclaimed holding his fist over his heart. "The time will come when we are called to action again and we will be able to display the power of our youth."
Tenten giggled a little at Lee's prowess but Neji remained stoic. He had seen this too many times before and it was nothing new coming from Lee. He could only wonder why Tenten continued to be surprised by it. Kiba seemed to get another idea an his excitement level rose.
"While you're waiting around, I've got something you guys should see." Kiba said with a cheesy grin on his face. "But it will cost you ten ryo."
"Oh, no." Shikamaru shook his head in protest.
"Trying to make a buck off of our boredom?" asked Neji.
"It's not for me," Kiba said smirking. "Consider it a toll to the abnormal and bizarre."
"Abnormal and bizarre, you say?" Lee tapped his chin in contemplation. "Alright, I'm in." Lee eagerly fished the money out of his wallet and giving it to Kiba.
Kiba lead Lee down the alleyway and Tenten's curiosity must have been struck because she was not far behind. Shikamaru shook his head but followed after them. Someone had to provide this group some sensibility or else it might turn out disastrous. Also he couldn't help the overwhelming curiosity that was telling him he needed to see it again. Reason be damned.
"Are you coming along as well?" Neji asked Shino.
"No, I've already seen it," Shino said. "I do not wish to see it a second time."
Neji just looked at him a moment before following after the group.
Shikamaru felt somewhat guilty about showing his face to the woman a second time but with a new crop of faces and with Kiba acting as a go between, his presence seemed somewhat justifiable. He took up post on the side to allow the new comers a better view. Besides, he was also a little curious as to how they would react. Kiba handed her the money and the woman put on her show. This time with a little more flare adding to the shock value. Could you blame her for perfecting her craft?
Jaws dropped. Even the resigned Neji's mouth parted a little. Kiba just stared like he always did. For Akamaru this had become routine and he failed to comprehend the importance. Neji was the first one to voice an opinion.
"That's fuckin' weird," he said.
"That's what we said," Kiba and Shikamaru said in unison.
"Gai-sensei said that it was like an explosion of youth," Lee said. "Invigorating a man after a hard day's work but why does it look like my grandmother's face?" The quizzical look on his face was priceless.
"They don't all look like that," Tenten laughed as she placed a comforting hand on Lee's shoulder. "I promise."
Neji grunted and looked away, questioning why he still associated with these people. Shikamaru thought they had taken it well and made a mental note to never accept the request to meet Lee's grandmother. The woman ended her show with a slight bow and offered an encore if the price was right. None accepted despite the curiosity about what else she had to offer.
Team Gai dispersed saying that training was the best way to ease the mind of boredom but everyone knew that they were trying to forget what they just saw. Kiba and Shikamaru absentmindedly strolled to the end of the alley with Akamaru in tow. Each was lost in his own thoughts. While on the same subject, they couldn't have been any farther apart as to the train of thought. When they reached the main road, they were greeted by someone else.
Before he could turn to see who it was, a slender arm wrapped around his neck and jerked him in one direction. He caught a glimpse of Ino's blond hair as she whirled him around to face her companions.
"Hello," Chouji said through a mouthful of chips.
"Hi" Sakura said standing next to him.
"I thought you were working?" asked Ino tightening her grip around his neck as if he would run away if she let him go.
"I am working," Shikamaru said finding a way to wiggle out of her grip. "I mean, I was working until I ran into a couple hours of down time." He began massaging the crick in his neck. "Troublesome."
Ino frowned and Chouji just laughed. Sakura just looked at them quizzically but accepted the fact that they were a team and it must be some inside joke. Kiba came up and joined them.
"Hey Kiba," Sakura said. "What are you guys up to?"
"Nothing," Shikamaru answered roughly still trying to massage the crick out of his neck.
All of them looked at him strangely. Kiba chose to ignore his friend and asked anyway.
"You guys want to see something weird?"
Shikamaru frowned. "I don't think that's such a good idea."
"What is it?" Chouji asked.
Seeing that he had someone's interest, Kiba put an air of mystery on the subject. "We don't know. It's just to weird to explain."
"Where did you find it?" Ino asked.
"Over here." Kiba pointed back down to the alleyway.
"I want to see it." Sakura said.
"Me, too!" Ino sounded excited.
"Trust me," Shikamaru said. "You don't want to see it."
"Now I really want to see it," said Chouji.
Shikamaru looked at Kiba with a face about as frustrated as he could make it.
"Come on, Shikamaru." Kiba pleaded. "Ino and Sakura are medics so they might be able to shed some light on the subject."
"Oh," Sakura perked up. "It's biological?"
Kiba was right. Damn the logic.
"It will cost you ten ryo, though." Kiba had given them an out and Shikamaru prayed that they would take it.
"Please, Chouji?" Ino pleaded batting her eyes at the large ninja.
"I spent all the money I had on me at the Korean barbeque." Chouji explained.
'That was close,' Shikamaru thought. It was a good thing his friend liked to eat a lot otherwise, this could have been disastrous.
"Just borrow the money from Shikamaru," Kiba suggested knowing it would piss him off.
Shikamaru looked at Chouji and his best friend showed no signs of changing his mind.
"Don't worry," Chouji told him. "You know I'll pay you back."
"Please, Shikamaru?" Ino turned her charm in his direction.
Shikamaru relented and not because of Ino's charm but because he knew that if he said 'no' he would never hear the end of it. Once Ino had her mind made up, there was hell to pay if you tried to derail her train. He pulled his wallet out and before he could open it, she snatched it out of his hand. Shikamaru sighed in defeat. It only took a few seconds of rifling through his wallet for Ino to complain.
"All you've got is twenties," She said turning to Kiba. "Can you make change?"
Kiba shook his head, 'no'.
"Well, then twenty will have to do," she said handing one bill to Kiba before tossing Shikamaru back his wallet.
"Pain in the ass," Shikamaru grumbled under his breath as he placed his wallet in his pocket. Kiba began to lead the way and Ino was right beside him. Chouji followed after them shoving a handful of chips in his mouth. Only Sakura took the time to stop and thank him.
"Thank you, Shikamaru," She said sweetly.
"Don't thank me yet," he told her plainly. "The worst is yet to come."
They arrived at the woman's place and Kiba promptly handed her the bill.
"Twenty?" she asked. "Are we looking for something extra this time?" her voice held a sickening sensuality
"What extras are you offering?" asked Kiba.
"Kiba!" Shikamaru said. "Please!"
"I'm just trying to get my money's worth."
"I believe it's my money," he told Kiba before turning to the woman. "We just want to see it again."
"All right," she said. "What the customer wants. The customer gets." Then she proceeded to put on her, now perfected, show which once again stunned the crowd.
There was silence except for the sound of a potato chip bag falling to the ground only to be scooped up and ripped to shreds by an anticipating Akamaru. Chouji didn't even seem to care, his hunger suddenly became the least of his worries.
"That's fuckin' weird," he said.
Shikamaru and Kiba said nothing. Sakura tilted her head to the side.
"Looks like warts." She said leaning in for a closer look.
"Warts?" Kiba asked. "I thought it was natures mistake?"
"Genital warts," Ino explained. "It's a virus that infects the skin." She shook her head. "You can't get rid of it."
"Does it hurt?" Chouji asked.
"It can be irritable, especially if it gets infected." Sakura leaned in closer for a better look. Shikamaru grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back.
"Don't get too close," he warned. "You might catch it."
Sakura just pushed his hand off her shoulder and leaned back in. "You can only catch it from direct contact. You may be smart, Shikamaru but you don't know everything."
Shikamaru had no reason to argue but if she caught the virus, it wasn't his fault. Sakura stood up straight and addressed the unfortunate woman.
"If you stop by the hospital, they can give you something to control the outbreak and ease the irritation."
"Thank you," the woman said and reached into her kimono. "But why would I want to ruin my money maker?" She laughed as she counted the money she had made today.
The group left the woman in the alley. As they were walking out Kiba had an important question.
"How did she get genital warts?"
"She's probably a prostitute." Sakura shrugged.
"A woman who has sex for money," Ino said as if it were common knowledge.
Kiba scratched his head. "You mean, there are woman who will have sex for money?"
Everyone stopped and looked at him. Kiba wondered why everyone stopped.
"It's only the oldest profession in the world." Shikamaru said only to receive stares from the women. He held his hands up in defeat. It seemed anything he would say on the subject was going to be met with skepticism.
When Chouji, Ino and Sakura left, Shikamaru realized that his down time had come to an end. He needed to get back to his charge or suffer the retribution. Kiba who had nothing better to do tagged along with Akamaru close behind. As he approached the destination, Shikamaru could see his charge waiting impatiently for him outside.
"Shit," he mumbled. "I'm in trouble."
"Temari-san," Kiba called out. "You've gotta see this!"
"Oh, fuck no!"