Heartbreaking Reverberations – Ch 3

Carolyn Shepherd continued to embrace Meredith, and soothed her with tender reassuring words filled with hope, until her heartbreaking sobs subsided.

“Mrs. Shepherd,” Meredith finally whispered, as she pulled back to look at her.

“Sweetheart,” Carolyn said, “do you think we could be less formal,” she smiled, “you’re going to make me a grandmother again, please call me Carolyn.”

“You’ve been very kind to me…”

“You’re my son’s wife…and finally…”

“I’m not,” Meredith said softly, lowering her head and breaking the gaze. “I’m not his wife.”

“I know my son Meredith, and in his heart I’m certain that you are.”

“We …we wanted to be married, but time…” Meredith lamented.

“Derek was right,” Carolyn told her, “you have plenty of time.”

“What…what if…”

“Meredith,” Carolyn said in a determined but loving motherly tone, and gently raised her chin so their gazes met again, “my son is going to be just fine,” and then her voice broke, and tears shone in both their eyes, “and he’s going to be a wonderful father.”

“I was going to tell him,” Meredith said as her bottom lip trembled, “tonight…he had this romantic evening planned…and a surprise he said…and I was going to tell him,” she said, and smiled through her tears, “I told him I had a surprise for him too.”

“You’ll just have to tell him,” Carolyn said, “tell each other later.”

“Carolyn…do you,” Meredith paused, as tears fell, “do you really believe he’s going to be ok?”

“With all my heart,” Carolyn replied, and wiped the tears away from Meredith’s face.

“We’re having a baby,” Meredith said softly, “he would have been so happy…”

“He is going to be thrilled,” Carolyn told her, “don’t you believe anything else.”

“I love him,” Meredith whispered, “I love him, and I need him so much.”

“I know you do, and now,” Carolyn said, taking charge, “you are going to wash your face, and we are going to be there when Derek is settled in recovery, and once you see him, and are satisfied that he is fine, we need to make sure you and the baby are ok.”

“I’m…we’re ok…”

“Have you been to the doctor yet?”

“No…not yet, I just…just realized I was pregnant a couple days ago.”

“Well then, we are going to make sure you are. Do you already have a doctor in mind?” Carolyn was now fully in charge, she had not been a navy nurse and raised five determined children alone in vain.

“I haven’t even had a chance to think about…” Meredith admitted.

“We’ll talk to Dr. Bailey,” Carolyn said, “even if that woman is not very friendly, she does seem like a good doctor, and she cares about you, both of you.”

“She does,” Meredith said quietly. “But, Mrs. Shepherd…”

“Meredith, we agreed,” Carolyn Shepherd reprimanded softly.

“Carolyn,” Meredith amended, “I don’t want anyone to know…please, I need to tell Derek first.”

“That’s fine, it’s our secret…for now,” Carolyn said, and kissed her cheek. “Wash your face and wipe your tears away so we can go, as soon as your friend brings that orange juice, and then when we see Derek we are going to get you something to eat.”

Meredith did as she was told, and began to understand the source of strength she’d witnessed in all his sisters in the hours since they’d arrived, their role model was standing in front of her, unconditionally offering a mother’s love and support.

There was a soft knock on the door before Miranda Bailey walked in with a carton of orange juice. “Drink this,” she told Meredith.

“Dr. Bailey,” Meredith began to say.

“No arguments Grey,” Miranda said gruffly.

“She’s not going to argue,” Carolyn responded, and Meredith smiled gently.

“What are you smiling at?” Miranda asked.

“Two mother hens,” Meredith said as she drank the orange juice, and then, emotion evident in her voice, she continued quietly, “thank you, both.”

“Impertinent chit,” Miranda said, “do not even consider I’m letting you off without more tests…as soon as you see Shepherd…”

“She’s not going to protest,” Carolyn responded. “We’ll take care of what’s going on with her as soon as we can see for ourselves that Derek’s fine.”

“I am still here,” Meredith said, a bit of her energy slowly returning, “and can hear you…and can speak for myself.”

“Of course you are dear,” Carolyn said, “and I’m only repeating what we agreed to,” she added, unwavering in her resolve that her new daughter in law, because that is what she was, would be seen by a doctor before the day was out.

Miranda walked out of the room first, and glared at the group gathered outside the examining room, and before walking past them said, “do you think you’re helping, standing gawking at a closed door?”

Seconds later, Meredith and Carolyn walked out, and were bombarded with comments.

“Mom,” Nancy said, “Derek has really lost his mind this time, it was bad enough when he moved out of the blue and divorced Addie, but…this, a fake wedding…”

“Nancy,” her mother spoke sharply. “This is not the time.”

“Mom, how can you just…”

“I said, not now,” Carolyn said emphatically. “And you,” she reprimanded. “Mark Sloan, that is what you told them? What possessed you to do that, and get this bunch all bent out of shape unnecessarily…”

“Unnecessarily,” Kathleen said, “Mom, I don’t think finding out they are not married…”

“Girls, I’m surprised at you,” Carolyn said, and linked her arm through Meredith’s. “I thought, surely all you would be concerned about is your brother’s health,” and walked away, leaving her four daughters to exchange confused glances; while Cristina, Mark and Lexie stood shocked at Meredith’s docile demeanor as she allowed Carolyn Shepherd to guide her away, and all seven gawkers followed.

In the years ahead, neither would agree as to whom held the other one up as they first glanced at Derek. Carolyn was certain it was Meredith that supported her as she gasped softly, while Meredith knew, without a doubt, if the older woman had not placed her arm around her waist and held her, she’d have crumpled. What neither would ever disagree about was that from that moment, a bond was created that would never be broken.

“Oh God,” Meredith whimpered, “he’s…”

“He’s alive,” Carolyn said and pushed her forward.

“I can’t,” Meredith said, her step faltering slightly, “he’s …he looks…”

“You can,” Carolyn told her, “and we will do this together,” and led Meredith to his side.

Both women had treated their share of patients in their respective medical careers, but facing the potential loss of a loved one was never easy, regardless of how many times you’d seen death, like a merciless thief, steal a previously healthy body into its dark abyss.

Derek lay pale, eyes closed, body exposed and attached to machines that provided constant monitoring, while anxiety creating beeps kept track of his vital signs.

Meredith reached for his hand, and lifting it carefully held it in hers, without saying a word, as tears she refused to allow to fall stung her eyes. The glass partition offered little privacy as his sisters watched from a distance, they had moved him right into a critical care cubicle and bypassed the recovery area. The doctor in her scanned the monitors right away hoping his vitals were stronger, but, if Derek had been a regular patient, she’d be somewhat encouraged, though not necessarily optimistic about his current prognosis.

Softly she caressed his hand, careful not to disturb the IV needle, and leaned in to kiss his forehead as she whispered, “I love you,” and then her voice broke, “Derek…” unshed tears and the lump in her throat rendering her momentarily silent. “I’m…I’m not sure if you can hear me,” she said regaining some composure, “but if you can, please squeeze my hand,” she prayed, though she’d long ago forgotten, literally prayed that he would, and felt his mother’s touch, her hand gently on her back.

“Sweetheart, I’m sure he can hear you,” Carolyn said, “keep talking to him.”

“Derek,” Meredith said, “you gave me quite a scare,” she spoke as though he could hear her, and if he could didn’t want him to worry that his Mom was there, he would jump to conclusions, rightly so, about the seriousness of his condition. “And, I asked Mark to call your Mom…and she’s here…when you wake up, she’ll be here, and your sisters,” she said, and neither noticed the slight effect her words had on him, as reflected on the monitors, “and I expect you to wake up soon Derek…and ….you promised me…Derek,” she began to lose her composure completely, “you promised me…Derek…that we’d take care of each other when we’re old…” and his mother put her arms around her and held her as she cried silently, unwilling to risk him being aware of the tempest within her, the absolute and horrifying fear and feeling that she had already lost him.

Carolyn’s mere presence comforted her, “Meredith, dear I want you to sit down for a bit, you have not had any rest in over twenty four hours,” she attempted to lead her away from his bedside.

“I have to be here…I want to be next to him…”

“You will be,” Carolyn told her, “right there on that chair, will you do that for me?”

“I need to be next to him…if he wakes up…”

“You will be, just a few steps away from him,” she said and led her to the chair, and worried that she offered no resistance. “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine,” Meredith said, “I’m fine.”

If Derek had heard her, he’d be giving his mother all sorts of warning signals. Nothing was worse than Meredith Grey’s assuring that she was fine.

Derek’s mother approached the bed and began to talk to her son, chattering away about their family and how happy she was that he and Meredith were married, and yes she knew about the post it note, they’d just have to make it official whenever the time was right, and anything that she thought would make her son think of all he had to live for, all the blessings in his life.

“Mom,” his younger sister said hours after they’d watched their mother and Meredith take turns at Derek’s bedside. “You need to get some rest and eat something.”

“I’m not leaving here until your brother is awake.”

“Mom,” his sister argued.

“I’m not …”

“Nobody is asking you to leave, only that you get something to eat…and a little rest.”

“I’m staying with Meredith.”

“She needs some rest too Mom, she looks exhausted and she has not left here since Derek was brought in, and if you don’t go, I doubt she will agree either,” she said, playing the mother card, having already realized their mother had accepted Meredith into their family, and in spite of the legality of their marriage, she was Derek’s wife in all ways that mattered.

“I will go get some rest,” his mother agreed, “after Meredith does. You can keep me company dear.”

Meredith, who’d been listening to the exchange, interrupted them. “Carolyn, I’m fine, I can get some rest here…”

“Meredith,” Carolyn said only one word that spoke volumes and the two women exchanged glances that acknowledged they understood each other clearly.

“Carolyn, you go get some rest, a shower and change would make you feel better and get something to eat, and when you get back… I’ll do the same, and I’ll go talk to Dr. Bailey.”

“You will,” Carolyn asked.

“Yes,” Meredith told her. “I will.”

“All right then, I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” she said and kissed Meredith’s cheek before she turned to talk to Derek.

Meredith turned to his younger sister, “she should get some sleep, keep her away till morning…”

“There’s no way she’ll allow it,” the young woman said, “we’ll be back soon, and you are going to have to do as she says too,” she smiled, and gave Meredith a hug. “I can see you’re exhausted Meredith, you won’t be any good to Derek if you don’t keep up your strength,” and again none of the three women, all well versed in the medical field, noticed the small fluttering of his eyelids.

“Meredith,” Carolyn said before she left, “I do not want you standing next to this bed till I get back, sit down and get some rest, and just relax dear, he’ll be awake and chattering away as usual, just as soon as the effects of the anesthesia wear off.”

“I won’t,” Meredith said, knowing she’d likely have to comply, if for no other than reason than the physical and emotional exhaustion that was beginning to overwhelm her.

His sister would be proven correct and Carolyn Shepherd would not stay away longer than a couple of hours, but in her absence, a scene would unfold that would have far reaching and emotionally heartbreaking reverberations.

The two older sisters remained behind, while the younger two accompanied their mother, and thus Nancy entered the critical care cubicle.

“Meredith, we can stay with Derek now, and you can go get some rest.”

“I’m not going to leave his side, he’ll want me here when he wakes up.”

“We have as much right to be here as you do,” Nancy retorted, “and have flown clear across the country so we could be.”

“I am well aware of that,” Meredith said, turning her gaze away from Derek and facing Nancy, “as well as the fact that you don’t like me. I’m not keeping you from being here. But, it is my right to be here.”

“Your right,” Nancy said sarcastically, “we’d have to question, given you are not even his wife…”

“Nancy,” Kathleen reprimanded, as she glanced at the monitors, all seemed stable, no alterations. Fortunately she thought, and quickly assessed the situation, it did look as though Derek was in a deep anesthesia induced sleep and was being spared the inevitable confrontation, “this is not the place for this.”

“Why not?” Nancy shot back. “She is not his wife, they’ve had a farce of a marriage, and we have more legal rights to be here than she does at this point.”

Meredith turned to her, anger consuming her, “I AM his wife, in all ways that matter, and most especially, because he considers me his wife.”

“Really,” Nancy said condescendingly, “it seems to me he obviously had some doubts, or you would be legally married and we would not be having this conversation.”

“Nancy,” Kathleen admonished, “that is enough, or I swear I will make sure you do not come near this room again.”

“What do you think gives you the right,” Nancy said, “Kathleen, you are not…”

“Nancy, don’t do this, we are all under stress over Derek’s condition…don’t make it worse, Nance…come on,” she said, placing her arm on her sister’s shoulder.

Mark and Lexie walked in the room in reaction to the commotion, “what is going on here,” he said, “Nancy, Kathleen is right, we’re all under stress and this is not the time to get into this discussion. Fuck, but I wish I’d kept my mouth shut, and only told you he was going to be in recovery soon,” he said, and felt Lexie’s reassuring hand on his arm.

“Nancy,” Lexie said, “I don’t know you, but I know Derek, and regardless of any legal documents, Meredith is who he’d want here when he wakes up.”

Meredith had begun her inner retreat immediately upon hearing Nancy’s verbal jar. Combined with the nausea that rose quickly, hormones raging wildly and insecurities too deeply imbedded to ignore, it all gave way to doubts she’d thought long buried, and her world began to unravel. The happiness and hopes for their future together were crushed and gave way to an unstoppable downward spiral, where the months of progress in the relationship between Meredith and Derek would prove futile in the days ahead.

“Do you honestly think,” Nancy continued, “that sleeping with Mark, being the newest flavor of the month gives you any…”

“Nancy,” Mark warned her, “stop being a bitch. All of you, this ends now. Everybody, except Meredith needs to leave.”

“Mark,” Meredith spoke after what seemed like hours to her, “it’s fine.”

“No it’s not,” Mark told her, “I will stay with you until Mrs. Shepherd gets back.”

“No,” Meredith told him, “I will leave, his sisters should stay.”

“Mer,” Lexie said, as she reached her sister’s side, “you are the one that Derek will want here.”

“Nancy,” Meredith said as the pain filled and agonizing reality of what his sister had said engulfed every cell of her being, “you are right. Derek obviously had doubts.”

“Meredith,” Mark contradicted her, “that is not true.”

“He’d want his sisters here,” Meredith said, trying to ignore the persistent cramping, and her gaze became empty and distant. “I’ll go,” she said, and her sister did not miss the slight flinching and expression of pain on her sister’s face.

“Meredith,” she said softly, “you don’t have to leave…”

“Lexie,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper, “I’m not feeling well,” and her sister put her arm around her waist and walked with her, “I need to lie down.”

“We’ll find an on call room,” Lexie said.

“No,” Meredith said, and stopped to take a deep breath. “An examining room,” she said, “and get Dr. Bailey,” she said as they continued to walk and as soon as they walked in, away from any curious stares, she allowed the tears to fall.

“Meredith,” Lexie said softly, concern for her sister keeping her from walking away, “what’s wrong? Why do you need Dr. Bailey?”

“She was going to run some tests,” Meredith told her, “maybe she should,” she said, and not wanting to reveal her secret, “find out why I passed out earlier.”

“But you said you were ok. Mark told me, you had not eaten, that’s why…”

“Might as well make sure,” Meredith said, “I’ll be ok…but please, get her,” she said, and Lexie saw the fear in her sister’s eyes, and hugged her.

“Mer,” she said, as her own tears fell, “he’s going to be ok, and so are you…and you should not let any of what that hateful woman said to you.”

“It’s true Lexie,” Meredith said, a somewhat defeated and accepting demeanor, “he had time…but he was ok with a post it note…if he’d wanted to marry me…there was plenty of time after that day…weeks worth of time…”

“Meredith,” Lexie insisted, “Derek loves you…he said you were married, he was so happy to tell us all that…”

“But we weren’t…” Meredith said quietly. “We weren’t…”

“I’m sure…” Lexie said, “that doesn’t matter to him, Meredith, he talks about you…”

“Lex,” she interrupted her, as the cramping made its presence felt again, “please, get Dr. Bailey,” and her sister complied and paged her.

“Grey…both Grey’s…” Miranda Bailey said when she walked in the room, “you two are bound and determined to give me grey hair today,” she said, “that pun was purely unintentional.”

“Dr. Bailey,” Meredith’s eyes met hers, and the older woman knew immediately something was wrong.

“Dr. Grey,” Miranda said looking at Lexie, “would you let me have some time alone with Meredith, she’s now a patient.”

“But…I’m her sister…”

“That’s right, and family should not treat family members…”

“But, Meredith, what’s wrong…what aren’t you telling me…”

“Lexie,” Meredith reached for her sister’s hand, “I’m sure I’m fine, but Dr. Bailey will want to get all the history, even if she already knows it, and do an EKG and who knows what else…just wait for me,” she said attempting to reassure her sister, when she herself was falling apart at the mere possibility that something was wrong.

Less than two hours later Meredith was at home. Sadly, only dark, irrational, heartbreaking thoughts consumed her. Miranda Bailey had given Meredith two options, to be admitted or go home and get several hours sleep. Reluctantly, and only because of her current state of mind she consented that Lexie would drive her home. However, she made Lexie promise she would take her back to the hospital immediately after she showered and spent two hours resting. Even if she had no intention of seeing Derek, she needed to be close to him. Just in case, she had hoped, he wanted to see her, although, if Nancy was right, maybe he’d prefer to have his sisters and mother at his bedside. He’d had plenty of time. He’d chosen not to marry her. She’d told him she had wanted to be married that day at city hall, and he’d settled for a post it wedding note. Nancy was right. He had changed his mind about marrying her, about a lifetime together, about a family together. Those were her thoughts as she lay in bed, and filled with overwhelming sadness she brought her hand to rest softly on her abdomen.

“How is he?” Carolyn Shepherd asked as she looked around the small room, and only found Kathleen and Nancy, “where is Meredith?”

“She went home,” Nancy said.

“She went home,” Carolyn repeated, “that’s odd…she would not have left here, not unless something was wrong…did something happen?”

Derek’s eyelids fluttered, hearing the distant voices, he was trying desperately to open his eyes, but they felt like they were glued together, that they weighed a ton and he had no strength in his body, what had happened, somewhere in the back of his mind he began to question. What was wrong?

“She was tired, and decided to get some rest,” Nancy said, just as Miranda Bailey and Mark walked in the room.

“That is not quite the case,” Mark said with barely controlled anger.

Miranda Bailey, motioned him to stop. “Mrs. Shepherd, I’m sorry, but I’ve talked it over with Dr. Sloan, and I’m going to ask that when Meredith is here with Dr. Shepherd, she be left alone, no other visitors will be allowed, ma’am you will be the exception, she does not need anything else upsetting her.”

“Upset her,” Carolyn questioned, a confused expression on her face, “what upset her?”

Derek’s younger sisters had been standing in the background, and shot an accusing look over to Nancy, “what have you done,” his younger sister said.

“What is going on?” Carolyn said, “Mark, Dr. Bailey, why isn’t Meredith here?”

“I sent her home,” Miranda said calmly.

“You sent her home,” Carolyn questioned, careful not to reveal more then was necessary, “did she speak with you? There’s no way she’d go home unless there was something wrong.”

“That girl is exhausted,” Miranda replied, “and she needed rest, I insisted she go home before I would risk her passing out again,” she said, and in a room full of doctors, none noticed the rapid sudden changes to Derek’s heart rhythm and pulse.

“What does that have to do with limiting visitors while she is here?” Carolyn asked.

“You will need to speak to your daughters about that,” Miranda replied. “But right now, Mrs. Shepherd, with all due respect to your daughters, I’m going to insist that whatever personal opinions they have about Meredith or the relationship between her and your son, that they keep it to themselves.”

All the occupants in the crowded room were preoccupied with the conversation, failing to see the fluttering of Derek’s eye lids, his unsuccessful effort to open his eyes, desperately wanting to understand what was wrong, he’d only heard that Meredith had passed out, and his body was refusing to cooperate making it impossible to call out to them. And he cursed the silent agony, as silent screams longing to be heard kept him in the dark about what was wrong with the woman he loved.

“Dr. Bailey,” Carolyn insisted, “Mark, something obviously happened that has made you adamant about a situation I know nothing about, and I would appreciate it if you would enlighten me.”

Mark answered, “Nancy told Meredith it was obvious Derek had doubts about their relationship, as otherwise he would be legally married to her. Regrettably, Meredith believed her.”

“You did what?” Carolyn reacted immediately. “Nancy, how could you? That girl had not left his side except during surgery, and it is so obvious she loves him, and I know he loves her. I’m ashamed, very ashamed of your behavior,” she finished, just as the erratic beeping of the monitors attached to Derek alerted everyone that something could be terribly wrong.

A/N 5 July – My intention has never been to concentrate on the medical aspect of this story, but did want to get some of the details correct, and it was only last night I had dinner with my cousin who’s a surgeon, and before we went home, I said…ok, I need 2 minutes of your medical expertise… this is what I have in mind, and this is what I’m thinking, does it work?. Fortunately…I was not too far off, and it took five minutes instead of two, but he gave me the plausible insight from the medical perspective. You’ll learn about Derek’s injuries in the next update.

This story, however, the heartbreaking reverberations were about the impact of their “post it wedding” and how it would affect the progress they’d made, all by a few words uttered at the very worst possible time and resulting in a bit of dark and twisty regression, a setback to Meredith’s attempt at being whole and healed. There should be two maybe 3 more chapters to this story.

Realistically, “big reverberations,” as Shonda Rhimes stated, could mean many things in her world. But I don’t even want to go there, and do dread what Rhimes may have in store for this couple, especially as it seems Patrick Dempsey has voiced in the last days that he does not expect a wedding in season 6, as the “head” writer does not believe there is a need of one. Personally, as a primarily Meredith & Derek fan, I am not too enthusiastic about season six.