A/N: I don't usually do songfics. Heck, I don't usually even read songfics, but this song (as well as every song from this band) inspired a fic in me. There are a hundred similar fics out there, but inspiration shouldn't be wasted, right? Written in one sitting, and the quality is as you would expect. I just had to get my feelings written down, so I didn't go through it too many times before posting.

(And in case someone wonders, I do not own Kingdom Hearts II nor the song.)

---

Excuse me while... (I end my life)

---

How do you do?
Have yourself a pleasant afternoon.
Well, fuck you too,
Goodnight's the one I choose for you!

I'll kill myself,
I'll blow my brains onto the wall.
See you in Hell,
I will not take this anymore.
Now this is where it ends, this is where I will draw the line,
So excuse me while, I end my life.

I will pull this through,
Not having a reason's no excuse.
What the Hell do you,
Suppose that I have left to lose?

I'll kill myself,
I'll blow my brains onto the wall.
See you in Hell,
I will not take this anymore.
Now this is where it ends, this is where I will draw the line,
So excuse me while, I end my life.

I'll kill myself...
See you in Hell

---

Once, Axel remembered hearing Demyx tell him he felt bad. Like the whole world was coming crashing down on him, like he couldn’t take it much longer. He wanted help – he needed help. Demyx had told him as much.

He remembered feeling awkward during that one-sided conversation. He remembered dismissing the whole thing as a phase that his friend was going through, and never told anyone about it. He also remembered telling his friend to get over his self-pity and stop complaining – there were people who had it worse.

What he didn’t remember was the disbelieving, later a sour look his friend gave him after those words.

Maybe if he had shared the conversation with Roxas – the one with all the answers – he could have avoided the phone call that made his heart stop in his chest, could have avoided the feeling of utter helplessness, the panic when he rushed out of his apartment and into his car, begging Demyx not to end the call.

The line did go dead eventually, and in his panic he pushed the speed dial for Roxas’s number, telling him to get to Demyx’s house that instant, and hell, call an ambulance!

“Oh, hello, Axel,” greeted Demyx’s mother when he finally reached the house, banging on the door with his fist like his life depended on it.

“Where’s Demyx?” he asked without answering her greeting.

“Why, in his room...”

That was all he needed to hear. Axel pushed past the woman at the door and hurried up the stairs, ignoring Demyx’s father, who had come to see what the commotion was about. When he reached the door to Demyx’s room he took a hold of the handle, prepared to slam the door open – only to find it locked. “Oh no you don’t,” he mumbled. “Fuck you, Demyx! Open the goddamn door!”

“What on earth is going on?” asked Demyx’s father, but as he saw the insistent, although somewhat panicked look on his son’s friend’s face, he nodded and took a hold of the handle, lifting and turning it so the broken lock gave away and the door opened.

Not a moment later Axel rushed into the room, his gaze falling on the form on the bed. In a second he was at the boy’s side, unaware of plastic bottles clattering at his feet as he went, shaking the boy roughly. “Demyx? Demyx! For fuck’s sake, Demyx, WAKE UP!”

This was the scene to which Roxas arrived. Seeing his distressed friend he rushed to the bed, his face draining of colour when his eyes fell on the still body Axel was trying to shake awake. His face was so pale... “I... I called the ambulance...” he said meekly, his voice lost in the sound of Demyx’s mother’s scream when she entered the room.

She roughly shoved both Roxas and Axel away, bending over her son, pleading him to open his eyes, soon to be joined by her husband.

Roxas turned to his friend who was staring at the bed blankly, even after the ambulance had arrived and left, taking Demyx and his parents away. They sat in silence on the floor, Roxas’s gaze, too, fixed on the bed where their friend had been lying just a while ago. The look on Demyx’s features... it had been almost serene.

It was Axel who broke the silence. “It’s my fault.”

Turning his tear-filled eyes to his friend, Roxas asked, “Why do you say that?”

“He told me...” Axel swallowed. “Told me that... he wasn’t... he was...”

“What? Told you what!?” Roxas snapped, taking a firm hold of his friend’s shoulders. “Did you know this was going to happen!?”

Axel started to shake his head, but in the end he nodded. He should have understood.

“Why didn’t you tell me!?” Roxas shouted in tears, shaking Axel before letting go of his shoulders. “We could’ve... could’ve...” he tried, but burst into tears before he could finish his sentence.

“I’m sorry.”

“SORRY!?” Roxas exclaimed loudly. “You think a sorry is going to fix things? You think a sorry is enough for his parents, and what about the others! How’re we gonna tell them he’s GONE!?” Roxas took a deep breath and then hurried out of the room without another word, without another glance at Axel.

Axel didn’t find it in himself to move from the floor, and that was where Demyx’s father found him several hours later, still staring at Demyx’s empty bed.

---

No letter had been left behind. Not even a small note telling an answer to everyone’s question – Why?

Now, days after the funeral, standing in front of Demyx’s grave, Axel still couldn’t think of a reason. Demyx had always seemed so happy – maybe that was why he hadn’t taken him seriously when he had quietly told him that sometimes, he just wanted to die.

He should have seen the signs, the way Demyx had distanced himself from their group of friends, should have noticed the long, sad glances he had given all of them during his last day in school.

He should have...

A soft clearing of someone’s throat pulled him from his thoughts, but was not enough to make him look away from the gravestone. He heard footsteps approaching, and soon could see Roxas from the corner of his eye.

For a long time neither spoke.

Axel knelt down and put the sunflower he had been clutching in his hand onto the grave among the other flowers. He touched the stone briefly, sliding a thumb across the letters that spelled his friend’s name, and then stood up to go.

“He always liked sunflowers.”

Axel continued walking.

“Ax,” Roxas called. “I don’t blame you. I was stupid to say that. Sorry.”

Axel merely shook his head as he walked out of the graveyard. The fact that no one else blamed him didn’t mean he himself didn’t.

“Axel... this is it. I’m sorry. Tell everyone I’m sorry. I... I want you to tell my parents it’s... not their fault. It’s... my own... fault... I’m a c-coward.

“I love... you guys. Tell... Roxas that... too... Thanks for... everything. Thank you... for making me... h-happy.”

But it hadn’t been enough.

---

I'll kill myself,
I'll blow my brains onto the wall!
See you in Hell,
I will not take this anymore!
This is where it ends,
I put a bullet in my head,
And yes, drop dead.
This is where it ends,
This is where I will draw the line.
Excuse me while....

I kill myself.

-Excuse me while I kill myself by Sentenced