|Not good enough
Author: XxStephXx PM
Short little LJ angsty fic.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Angst - James P. & Lily Evans P. - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,777 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 07-22-09 - Published: 06-21-09 - id: 5156126
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Late one night, Lily crept down to the Gryffindor common room. She couldn't sleep, she could never sleep anymore unless she was so tired that she actually couldn't stay awake. She hated it when she couldn't sleep, it gave her far too much time to think, she hated having time to think. All she could think about was him. Him being James Potter, her now ex boyfriend.
It still didn't make any sense to Lily. James had fancied her years ago back in fifth year then he moved on when she clearly didn't reciprocate his feelings. Then at the start of their seventh year something changed, they were head students together and they became friends. Then they became more than friends. She fell in love with him. Then he dumped her, claiming he was bored. He had broken her heart and he didn't even seem to care. That was nearly a month ago. But lately she had caught him watching her, more than once. She hated that it gave her hope, she should hate him he broke her heart after everything they had been through. She hated that she loved it when she caught him looking at her. Most of all she hated that she still loved him, she hated that she missed him so much she could barely bear it.
She walked into the common room and sat down on the arm chair in front of the fire. It took her a few minutes to realise that she wasn't alone, James was sitting just feet away from her pretending to read a book.
"What are you doing still up?" she sighed. She didn't want to think about him and have to look at him, it wasn't fair, it was bordering on cruel.
"What are you still doing up?" He shot back.
"I couldn't sleep," she said. "I thought I would get some peace and quiet down here."
"If you want me to leave just say," said James. He didn't have the strength to fight with her.
James sighed and got to his feet. It wasn't supposed to be this way with him and Lily. They were supposed to be happy and together, they were supposed to make it. She wasn't supposed to hate him. He wasn't supposed to break her heart. But he had.
"Do you ever even think about me?" she asked softly. "Do you ever...wonder..."
"Wonder about what?"
"What would have happened if you hadn't gotten bored," she said. "We used to be good together."
"No I don' t wonder." he said.
"I do," she said sadly. "You must be an amazing actor. I really thought you were the guy you pretended to be."
"You saw what you wanted to see."
"I guess I did," said Lily. "I still just...I can't believe that it was all a lie."
"Well it was," said James getting up.
In that moment he wanted nothing more than to reach out and stroke her hair and tell her the truth. He hated seeing her so hurt, he hated what he was doing to her. He couldn't help but love her a little more each day because each day despite what he did she still believed that what they had had was real. He loved the faith she had in him.
Lily sighed and got to her feet. She looked at his face as if she was searching for something. She knew he was a good man, she couldn't explain it she had every reason to hate him but she couldn't. She couldn't stop loving him either.
"Did you hear Dumbledore has canceled all Hogsmade trips until further notice?" said Sirius.
James was sitting in the common room pretending to read a book, it was a Hogsmade visit that day but he had decided not to go. He preferred to wallow alone.
"Why?" he asked not really paying that much attention.
"Deatheater attack got some students," said Sirius. "Nobody died or anything but some are pretty beaten up."
"Anything serious?" said James. "Who got hurt?"
"I don't think there were any really serious injuries, it was mostly Ravenclaws that got caught up in it but...Lily got hurt too..." said Sirius not sure how James would react.
"Lily? My Lily?" asked James jumping to his feet.
"Yeah," said Sirius. "She is okay, she's in the hospital wing. I just thought I should tell you."
"I have to see her," said James.
How could Lily have been attacked? It wasn't right. His precious girl was hurt, and he hadn't been there to protect her. How could someone have attacked her, she would never hurt anyone. She believed in the good in everyone, she didn't deserve any kind of suffering.
"Do you really think that is a good idea?" said Sirius. "Kent is with her."
"Kent? What the hell does Kent have to do with anything?"
"He asked her out this morning," said Sirius. "She said yes."
"She's going out with Kent?" asked James incredulously.
"Yeah," said Sirius. "You gave her up mate, this is nobody's fault but yours."
"I know," said James and he truly did sound devastated. "I still have to see her."
"Fine don't say I didn't warn you," sighed Sirius. He had learned a long time ago that it was pointless to try and talk sense into James when it came to Lily.
James crept into the hospital wing under his invisibility cloak, he immediately spotted Lily lying asleep on one of the beds. She looked so peaceful, so beautiful, the only imperfection on her face was gnash on her left cheek. He crept over to her bed, he reached out and stroked her cheek.
"What are you doing here?" she groaned. She hadn't been asleep, she had been resting her eyes.
"I just wanted to make sure you were alright," he said truthfully.
"Why would you even care?"
"Of course I care," said James. "I'd hate anything bad to happen to you."
"I don't understand you," said Lily opening her eyes and looking up at him. "We broke up. You shouldn't be sneaking in here to make sure I'm okay. You really hurt me, you shouldn't be hanging around making it worse."
"I'm sorry," said James sincerely. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I know you didn't want to hurt me," said Lily she could tell just by the destroyed look on his face that he had never intentionally set out to hurt her. "I just don't understand why though..."
"Because you deserve everything good in the world," said James. "But I'm not it."
"James..." But he was gone, he had disappeared under his cloak and out of the door.