|Space Pirate Confederation
Author: Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs PM
The story's always more interesting when it's about the villains. Throughout the series, Ridley sorely wishes this were not true. See what the pirates do behind the scenes on Zebes, Tallon IV, Aether, SR388 and the like; it all makes him hate life more.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Sci-Fi - Samus A. & Ridley - Chapters: 29 - Words: 63,013 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 09-30-12 - Published: 06-21-09 - id: 5156394
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Published June 21, 2009
Chapter One: Planet Zebes
"Okay, welcome to the Space Pirate conference, I'm Ridley, member of the Space Pirate High Command and leader of this operation," a large purple dragon explained.
"GURLAFERGLEK!" a large brain screamed in indignation.
"Sorry, can't understand," Ridley mocked, angering Mother Brain. "Anyway, everyone introduce yourself."
A MASSIVE lizard… thing stood up. "I am General Kraid, high ranking member of the Space Pirate armada. You may or may not be aware, but we've received reports of a female bounty hunter interrupting on our mission to taming the Metroid species, and she must be stopped at any costs."
"Woah woah woah," a small bat thing said. "Did you just call the hunter a female?"
"Wait, you didn't know that?" Ridley asked. "In fact, how the hell did you get into the conference?"
"Ha! If it's a female this will be easy, I'll go take care of this!" the bat proclaimed before flying away.
"She's got a suit made by an advanced race... Whatever, you're expendable."
"GURGOOBAKAVELAK…" Mother Brain muttered.
Samus lowered into Brinstar. "Wow, this place is dreary," she said, taking her first looks at the caves that would house a large portion of her journey. The same bat from the meeting was above her.
"FAME HERE I COME!" He dove down. Without looking Samus shot him, blowing him to pieces.
"So I should try to find some power ups now."
"Knew it," Ridley muttered before turning from the surveillance camera. "Okay, we've set up many traps in this place, ranging from weird creatures to laser guided missile launchers! There's no way Samus can bypass these!"
"Actually, we never got around to installing those," a Space Pirate technician said. "Low budget."
"BUDGET?! WE'RE PIRATES!" Ridley screamed.
"KELPOLIFAT," Mother Brain interjected.
"Oh go bite yourself," Ridley snapped. "Well, we'll have to step up security then. Let's send out three dozen squads of elite special task pirates, put Company Delta in charge, they've done amazing in the past."
"Yeah, about that… We have absolutely no backup, we're the only four pirates here," the technician said, gesturing to himself, Kraid, Mother Brain and of course Ridley.
Ridley put his face in his palms. "Why do we suck so bad? DON'T answer that." Ridley began pacing. "Okay, we need to space ourselves out throughout the facilities. Mother Brain will stay here and manage the Metroids. In the meantime, I'll be in Norfair expanding our operations. Kraid can… What can you do Kraid?"
"I will seek and destroy the hunter myself!" Kraid hissed, preparing for his hunt. "She'll go to Brinstar first, I'll be waiting."
"She's in Brinstar you ass, moving on to Norfair!"
Kraid was silent. He glanced around and then ran away, destroying many walls. Ridley sighed. "We need to screen all new recruits, test their IQ or something."
"PLULAKUGFALO…" Mother Brain pointed out.
"Good point… Well, unless Samus learns to shoot Kraid in the mouth then we won't have to worry, right?"
"Yeah, I did want to be the one to take her out originally, but now I just don't care who does."
"Yeah, I better get there," Ridley admitted. "Let's hope Kraid takes care of the problem."
Samus was walking through the area, killing everything. "This mission is the easiest shit ever, I haven't even fought a tough enemy yet!" She opened a door and saw Kraid. "Shit."
"MWA HA HA, I am the great Kraid, and you shall die!" She shot him in the face with a missile. "OW, DAMN IT!"
Samus nailed him in the side of the head with a missile, causing Kraid to fall onto his side, drooling.
"I… see… funny… happiness… I gotta tell Ridley!" Kraid ran out of the room.
Samus stood there for a moment. "Whatever." She continued on her journey.
"Okay, I've called in you four troops," Ridley said to four armed Space Pirates. "You're the best of the best, our most skilled soldiers. Should Kraid fail, the fate of our operation will rest with you."
Kraid burst through the wall, crushing three of the elite soldiers. "Ridley, guess what? I SEE FUNNY HAPPINESS!" He began clapping and laughing.
Ridley slammed his face against a wall. "Why (slam) must (slam) I (slam) fail (slam) at (slam) every(slam)thing (slam) I (slam) work (slam) on?!" With one last slam, he left his face pushed against the wall.
"You should find a better mate than the wall Ridley, she looks painful to kiss," Kraid lectured. He glanced around nervously and whispered, "I think she's cheating on you!"
Ridley groaned. "So what happened to you? You're acting retarded all of a sudden."
"I DUNNO!" Kraid exclaimed, lying down. The last Pirate Elite inched away. "Stay!" Kraid grabbed him and wedged him three feet into the ground. "Oh, right! The lady hit me with a boom stick and I felt my thoughts go bye-bye!"
"That explains your sudden mental retardation," Ridley muttered, removing his head from the wall.
"Woah, look at Mister Smartypants, using big words!" Kraid mocked, crossing his arms.
Ridley freed the remaining Elite from his prison. "I have a job for you, go to Mother Brain and tell… um… it that Kraid's been reduced to a drooling retard."
"HEY! I don't drool, I spit!" He spit on the last warrior, who screamed as the liquid ate through his flesh. "Oops, all gone!" Ridley was considering that Kraid might be doing this on purpose, but ruled it out after Kraid spat on his own arm. "It feels like hot!"
Mother Brain had finally finished preparing the defenses should Samus come there. Kraid then smashed through most of them. "HI MOM!"
Ridley flew in after Kraid. "He's got the mentality of a four year old, don't blame- You know what? Blame him."
"KALPALVUISTKA!" Ridley shrugged at this comment.
"Where can I find a meat grinder?" Kraid asked innocently.
"Why do you… I don't want to know!" Ridley decided. "Brain, take care of Kraid, I'm going to halt Samus' progress. He flew toward an opening only to crash into a very clean window, plummeting back to the ground.
"Silly birdie, you can't fly through windows!" Ridley raised his arm to flip Kraid off.
Samus was going up an elevator, looking around at the walls of the shaft before glancing at herself. "Why am I flashing?"
"Ha, so you finally noticed?" Ridley announced over the speakers. "Every time you go into an elevator we've been pumping radiation into your body, you'll be dead in a few minutes at this rate!"
"My suit repels radiation stupid," Samus said. Ridley was silent for a minute.
"How much did that radiation cost us?" There was a pause. "WHAT? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! I'm going to go hang myself." A click signaled that he had turned off the loudspeakers.
-Later, in Norfair-
Kraid broke through the wall. "Hey Ridley, guess what? I- wha?" Samus was standing over a bloody and mangled Ridley. "What's up with Ridley? Is he sleeping again? He does that a lot!"
"Hmm? Uh, yeah! Rid's asleep!" Samus told Kraid. "He fell asleep drinking ketchup, and I came to make sure he was okay! Turns out he's fine."
"Why are his eyes all shiny?"
"Oh, those?" Samus noticed Ridley's eyes were glazed over. "He… um… when you drink too much ketchup, that happens! Completely normal."
"Okai!" Kraid yelled, clearly believing this. "I'll just bring him somewhere more comfy and put his wing back on." Samus noticed that Ridley was missing several important body parts.
"Do you think you could do me a favour?" Samus asked Kraid.
Mother Brain had finally repaired the defenses when Kraid broke in, holding Ridley's corpse. "JURRAKCUCURIDLEYVA?!" the brain screamed.
"Shh, he's sleeping!" Kraid whispered, motioning for Mother Brain to be quiet.
"Well it makes sense, he's not moving and covered in ketchup!" Mother Brain just couldn't believe that two missiles had made him this stupid. It looked at the security monitors and saw Samus at the entrance to Tourian.
"KALAPPUBANZ!" it exclaimed.
"Oh, pretty lady's here!" Kraid pulled a lever and all of their security systems shut down.
"Pretty lady asked if I could turn out systems off when she got here, so I just did," Kraid explained.
"BLAZ?! JILLUPOLAGLO," Mother Brain ordered.
"Okai!" Kraid ran out of the room with Ridley as Mother Brain prepared to block Samus, in other words, sit there while being shot by missiles.
Kraid ran around, looking for something to do while Mother Brain was taking care of the intruder. "Ridley, wakey wakey!" Ridley's lower jaw fell off. "Ew, you're grosser than I thought!" He picked up the jaw and wedged it in the dragon's mouth. "Thar ya go!"
Back in Tourian, Samus slowly but surely broke through the barriers. 'I've fought big and strong, and small and swift, what kind of monstrosity is the last?' she though, breaking through the final barrier.
"BLARKULLOVICH!" Mother Brain screamed. Samus merely stared for a few minutes as Mother Brain sat there, glaring. Samus walked over to it, hopping the gap, and stared further. She then broke the glass. Mother Brain growled, staring Samus down. The hunter then began poking it. "BLAGVET!" the brain shouted in annoyance.
Kraid was walking around the control room. "There's a lot of buttons here, eh Ridley?" Some blood dripped out of Ridley's ear. "Let's press a few!"
After Samus finished poking Mother Brain, she noticed that rings of fire began to shoot at her. "JIJIKRAIDHUROCK…" Mother Brain muttered as Samus began battling against the rings. Samus got bored of that and began shooting Mother Brain with missiles. "KA! BLARGEVAKNU!" With one last missile, the brain was blown to pieces.
"That button did nothing, let's press another!" Kraid said to Ridley's corpse. He then saw one that was blocked off by a glass case. "It looks important… LET'S DO IT!" He tore off the casing and pressed it.
Samus was mighty satisfied with herself. "Base self-destruct sequence activated. Countdown at 3:00."
Kraid also heard the announcement. "AH! Ridley, do something!" Ridley's lower jaw fell off again. "Stop that!" He wedged it farther into Ridley's throat.
Samus easily escaped, but Kraid was having larger problems. He couldn't find a way out. He soon began running around aimlessly while looking for some kind of elevator. Suddenly, he got a transmission. "This is Jikarvl, the head Space Pirate technician. I can guide you out of the base quickly and safely, you must just listen."
"AH! GHOSTS!" Kraid began screaming and running in circles. "Take Ridley, he's tastier!"
Jikarvl was silent for a moment. "I'm not a ghost. I'm talking to you over Ridley's communication device. Can I talk to him?" the technician asked.
"No, he's sleeping," Kraid told him. "So how do I get out before the explosion?"
"40 seconds remain," the computer announced.
"Okay, take the door with the big 'Emergency Exit' sign above it," Jikarvl said.
"Sorry, I ate that when I came in the room," Kraid told him.
"30 seconds remain."
"Go through the green door." Kraid walked through it and stood there. "Keep walking…" Kraid took a few steps. "…Walk further…" Kraid stormed to the end of the hall. "Go back a few doors."
"10 seconds remain."
"Go through the door to your left and enter the elevator."
"Then you'll be out of the base, and not get caught in the explosion…"
"There will be a pretty light show? I wanna see!"
"Not the best-"
Samus felt the whole planet shake. "Wow, that was one big explosion! Wonder if anything was still in there…"
I haven't made any new stories in years, so here's one that I started writing a long time ago. As such there are many chapters already written that I will update periodically so that I don't get ahead of myself.