I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY FOR

1. not updating

2. starting a new story

3. everything else.

Fuckity fuck…

Sasuke had lost count at how many times he swore. He thought he had said the four-letter word cuss more than his brother had in his lifetime. And it was not even ten in the morning! He was supposed to be in bed, sleeping, or trying to keep sleeping, not here, wandering aimlessly in front of the Hokage’s office.

What the hell that saggy-breasted witch was thinking, sending him an emergency request at seven in the morning, and then left him waiting here for more than an hour? It might have been acceptable had this was any other day, but today was Sunday, the only day in a week when Jonins could sleep their asses off 24 hours a day. This was a horrible violation of the village’s rule. Sasuke thought that only Genin and Chuunins could be abused. Didn’t Tsunade have any qualms at all that Sasuke might put some poison in her tea later? Or some assassination attempts? Mutiny, anyone?

Apparently not, because the witch had the nerves to make him wait for yet another hour. Sasuke couldn’t leave. Hell, he was forbidden to. Haruno Sakura was placed to keep him ‘under control’, and she was doing her job especially well with those ever-glaring green eyes and balled fists. One suspicious move and Sasuke would lose some bones in places most unconventional.

He knew that there would be a catch for dumping a pink-haired neurotic junkie. But he had been thinking of crazy phone calls or some nights with a stalker. He didn’t know that said neurotic junkie would actually become the apprentince of the brawniest woman ever produced in the world.

Of all the fuck that could happen in my fucking life…

“Can you stop mumbling, Uchiha-san?” Sakura hissed.

Oh, here we go again. She would always pick fights with him. Either she still had some unresolved sexual-frustation with him or she was trying to screw his brains out. Literally.

“Can’t. Sorry,” Sasuke answered in what he hoped as a cool mannerism. “It’s my holiday and I’m getting waken up at seven only to wait for two hours, doing nothing, in front of Your Highness’s office. I have the every fucking right to mumble all I want.”

“Language, Uchiha-san.”

Sasuke held the urges to laugh. How queer it was to hear his ex addressing him in such formal manner. He was tempted to remind her how she used to call-scratch that, scream his name in the most wanton way when they were having sex.

Which, by the way, was usually initiated by the feminine member.

“You know, Sakura-“ but before he could even finish, he felt tension closing around him. That was when he realized that Sakura’s fist were blazing with aura which amount could melt him to the ground.

“Yes?”

“Great hairdo,” he quickly shifted his attention to her hair. It wasn’t an outright lie. Sakura really did have a good hair today. She was wearing it into a very neat bun, and there was even a pretty hair pin on the right side.

“Oh!” that caught her off-guard.

“You going out today?”

She blushed, and Sasuke was reminded at the sixteen year old version of her. Ever-bubbly, ever-giggling, ever-rosy, and most annoying of all, ever-present. “Well, actually, yeah…”

As she busied herself smiling and lowering her guard, Sasuke’s mind rummaged through his memory. It’s not that he still cared for the pink-haired medic. He just liked to know who she was going out with now. There was Rock Lee and Naruto still trying to win her heart after a decade of failure. But there were also a few other losers…

Ha-ha. He filled time by taking guess who was Haruno Sakura’s new boyfriend. He was that bored.

Fortunately, before he could get into his ex’s new sex life with the new boyfriend, the door flung open. Sizune with two piglets instead of a pair of boobs greeted him apologetically, and then let him in. She also dismissed Sakura rather ungracefully, much to Sasuke’s delight.

He couldn’t bask on the glory for too long, though, for he saw yet another disaster-in-the-making.

“G-Good morning, Sasuke-san,” Hyuuga Hinata bowed in front of him politely. She was wearing a full-kunoichi clothes and pulled her hair to a ponytail. A sight could only be seen when she was on a mission.

“What the hell she is doing he-“

How did the Godaime did it, nobody knew, but all of a sudden there was a book-shelf sailing through Sasuke’s direction.

He ducked it in the last millisecond, and when the shelf broke the door into pieces, Sasuke could almost feel his own ribs being shattered.

“Good morning, too,” he said to the blonde Hokage.

Tsunade actually looked grim that she hadn’t succeeded breaking any bones. “Hyuuga Hinata needs you to complete her Jonin test.”

The last nine words were the most gratifyingly shocking nine words that Sasuke had ever heard in the last ten years (the first was: “Sasuke, will you ever ‘come out’ to us, Dear?” from his mother). Hyuuga Hinata and Jonin didn’t seem to correlate in Sasuke’s mind. Hell, anybody with their common sense would agree with him. Hyuuga Neji would qualify, besides the obvious signs of hermaphroditism, but Hinata? Hell, no.

She was far too soft, too frail, too flowery, girly, generous, and most of all, too buxom to be a jonin. Her wearing a jonin suit would distract other members (all male, bless them all) with the blatant view of such huge ‘bumps’ around the chest.

Sasuke glanced at the individual that had caused so much distress in his inner self right now, and as a respond, said individual stared back at him and smiled. Her breasts were jiggling in the process.

Oh. Wow. How the hell did that happen?

“She’s still lacking something. She has passed the psychical test, the mentality test, she even passed the interview even though it took her three hours straight,” Tsunade said. “but she still needs more if she wants to pass.”

Oh. So that’s why the waiting was long. This girl was far too much on an idiot to pass a test that he had winged when he was five years younger than her. Uchiha Sasuke still remembered his time, seven minutes and twenty five seconds, a record that could only be topped by his own brother, at forty four seconds faster, at age only fourteen.

“Then could you explain to me veeery clearly, Tsunade-dono, why did you choose me of all people to train this- this woman?”

There. Sasuke cencored five cursing words off his sentence. He had done his Samaritan Duty.

Tsunade didn’t seem as impressed, though. “Rumor has it, Uchiha-san,” she began slowly. “that you are one of the best jonins that Konohagakure has ever had. Tutoring this ‘woman’ is going to help a lot to your upcoming promotion.”

Sasuke’s eyes lit up.

“Unless, of course, you want to pass this on to Itachi. I mean, I know he’s already an ANBU captain and all that shit. But surely he still has rooms for yet another awards, right? The Hyuuga family are known to be close to the elders, huh, Sizune?”

and as faithful as she was, the dark-haired doormat nodded enthustiastically.

“T-Tsunade-dono…” Hinata actually raised a finger as she spoke, as if she was thirteen and in a classroom. “if-if Sasuke doesn’t want to do it, then i-it’s alright… I know I’m a s-slow student.”

“I want to do it,” a voice came out.

Everybody searched for the source of the voice, including Sasuke himself. Five seconds later, he finally realized that he was the one who said it. He, against his will, had somehow agreed to be the personal tutor of Hyuuga Hinata, the worst would-be jonin ever imagined.

“Really?” all three women bombardized him with three pair of unatturally huge eyes.

“Yeah. So what is it about?”

“Simple. Train with her. Make sure she knows all the dangers of being a jonin. The final test is in three weeks, and I’m hoping that you could help her pass.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. And again. And again.

“Then?”

“You can also provide her with advices, the real ones, not the ones disguised as lethal sarcasm,” Tsunade added quickly as soon as she saw Sasuke opening his mouth. “Basically, I want you to treat her like a child.”

A look of pleasantry failed to pass to Hinata’s face.

Sasuke wasn’t the only one who noticed this. Tsunade coughed. “Or a lover.”

More purple came to Hinata’s skin.

“Or whatever that you treat properly and with great care.”

Sasuke was thinking of his nonexistent black stallion.

“Tsunade-san, I-I think Sasuke-san has known enough,” Hinata saved him.

Sasuke, however, was too pissed off to express his gratitude. “I didn’t ask you to speak, Hyuuga.”

“Eh?”

“You don’t speak unless I tell you, understand?!” Sasuke used his most venomous voice to say it. If he was really stuck with this twit, then at least he must have the satisfaction expressing his anger.

“Y-Yes, sir!” Hinata stood erect, much like how a military soldier would.

“I think that’s a little too harsh, Uchiha-san,” Tsunade’s tone was dripping with unmistakable urges to hurt him.

“My student, my way, Ma’am. Just like you.”

Sasuke flashed Tsunade a dazzling smile, and then gestured Hinata to follow him. And as she jiggled behind him, face looked terrorized, he couldn’t help but correlating her with a little duckling.

-

-

-

145, 146…

Why did she agree to do this again?

Hinata’s eyes blurred due to the sweat trickling down her forehead. She wanted to wipe it, because it tasted tasty and she didn’t like water inside her eyes. Alas, she couldn’t.

The reason? Uchiha Sasuke did not let her.

He didn’t let her speak, he didn’t let her groom, struggle, or even take some dump. Of course he wouldn’t let her pause her training to wipe out some sweat. In fact, Hinata got the impression that Sasuke tried his very best to make her uncomfortable. Get her to go to Tsunade and ask for another Jonin to take his role.

151, 152, 153…

hmph! As if that’s going to happen.

“Hey, why are you slowing down? Come on, do it faster,” Sasuke said and then his feet, which were conveniently placed on top of herback, pounded on her, adding more weight.

“Uuggghhh…”

“Just because you’re grunting, doesn’t mean I’ll give you compensation. You wanted to train, you get to train.” He said that so matter-of-factly, Hinata wasn’t even sure if he was watching her. Before he led her to the training ground, he had gone back to his house to fetch some books.

Hinata was losing her breath. Sasuke had ordered her to do three hundred squats, three hundred sit-ups, and now, he wanted her to do another set of 300 of push-ups. Not the girl version.

The fact that she hadn’t passed up was amazing.

177, 178, 179…

“If you can get to 200 in under a minute, I’ll let you off today,” Sasuke finally showed a bit of mercy.

This flared up Hinata. She mustered all of her remaining power and then procedeed to do the best that she could. She got into 200 and then lied on the ground. She felt the weight on her back gone and the feet walked to only 60 cms in front of her face. A moment later, Sasuke’s voice boomed in.

“Now, you get up and then have a quick spar with me.”

Hinata did get up, but that’s mostly because of shock. She could barely stand without hurting her feet, and now he wanted her to fight him?!

What is wrong with him?

Or, the more appropiate question would be-

“What is your problem?!”

She must have voiced that out loud, because in front of her was Sasuke’s gaping mouth.

“You have just spoken,” it took Sasuke a while to respond to her. He closed his book, and then stared at her, waiting for an answer.

“Yes, I have.”

“You know that you’re not supposed to speak unless I order you so.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Did I order you to speak, Hyuuga?”

Hinata gulped. Sasuke regained his composure really fast for a pompous toad. “N-no, Sir.”

“Well, that sparing thing was just a joke. I was thinking to send you home, but I see you still have some energy in you, so I want you to do another set of push-up.” There was no inflection in his tone. “And since you seem so eager, I’ll change my position and will sit on your back. Now, down on your limbs, woman.”

Before Hinata’s brain could digest what he had just said, everything went to black and the brain was dead. Temporarily.

“Oh- fugghdeboutit!” was the last thing that Hinata heard.

-

-

When Hinata woke up the second time round, she wasn’t smelling Sasuke’s feet. Instead, the smell of spicy hot ramen was filling her nostrils. Combined with that was the fragrance of a male-cologne that Hinata had been trying to find all her life.

“Hi-na-ta-chan!!!” the smell became strong as Naruto’s face came to view in close-up.

“Oh!”

“Finally, you’re awake!” Naruto bounced up and down, and that’s when Hinata saw that he sat horryfingly close to her. In fact, one could mistake him of straddling her when one saw them in the wrong angle, which would mean most angles available.

Hinata looked around (it was hard to do it when she had Naruto willingly to be looked at right before her). The room was small and dirty, but also vapid. Everything was piled up into this room, including a vast amount of ramen stock.

She could bet her grandma’s gold teeth that this room was Naruto’s den.

Aka: heaven.

“Sorry if it’s a mess. I wasn’t expecting you, and… yeah…” Naruto scratched the back of his head. And then he turned to the ramen and took it. “Here, I made you some food. Sasuke didn’t believe that it will wake you up, but I know from experience that Ramenpan: Super Spicy with Onions’s smell will wake anyone.”

“There’s Sasuke?!” all of a sudden being in heaven wasn’t so much fun anymore.

“Nah, he’s gone just before you wake up. I tell you, he looked pretty damn concerned back there, Hinata-chan!”

Hinata couldn’t help grunting. She couldn’t imagine her killer tutor with a face that expressed concern. Sasuke could only capable of generating the expression of apathy, ignorance, anger, and in some rare times, lust. Happy nouns didn’t click with him.

“You want some, Hinata-chan?” Naruto handed her the ramen that he himself, with his own hands, had made. While she was sleeping. And tired. And being brutally victimized by his so-called bestfriend.

Seeing his smiling face alone had made Hinata sure that she would die happy now.

“Thank you…” she said, and she ate it even though she couldn’t stand spicy food and disliked noodles in general. The effect of her idiocy took toll not long thereafter, as her cheeks turned visibly red and her throat felt like it was burning.

“N-N-Naruto-k-kun,” she tried gasping.

Even Naruto looked worried. “Shit, Hinata, you can’t stomach spicy food?”

Hinata nodded. “Yes, Yes I can!” and to prove that, she dunked the liquid of the ramen.

Great. Now her whole body was on fire.

“I can’t!!” finally she confessed.

“Shit! Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!” Naruto flailed around, as if he was who was suffering all the blaze. And then he stopped, paused for a second, then before Hinata could form a sentence asking if he was having a brain-dead, Naruto jumped.

“Wait here, I think I got beer in my fridge.”

Wait a second. Wait a freaking second…

Beer?!

Since when her sweet innocent Uzumaki Naruto drank beer?! He didn’t seem like the type who would drink anything, moreover beer. Alchohol and the likes were Kiba’s favorite. And probably Ino’s. But-not-Naruto!

“Here you are,” Naruto opened a can of beer, the brand which Hinata recognized as the most powerful sold in Konoha, and then gave it to her.

Hinata stared at him.

“Kiba got me for my 21th birthday, said that I should get drunk to get laid,” was Naruto’s explanation.

That made Hinata sigh. Well, at least he didn’t buy these on his own accord.

but then another problem emerged. Same like Naruto, who was still pure (as in, no clubs, no sex, no relationships and no alchohols), Hinata had never been drunk all her life. She didn’t know her limits, or if this one can beer could intoxicate her and make her talk funny all night. She definitely didn’t want to look ridiculous in front of her crush. She had done that enough already.

The imaginary fire started burning up her tongue, and she could no longer think. Praying to Kami-sama, she dunked one can. It didn’t taste good. In fact, it made her tongue burn even more. She waited for a second, before she actually felt a little better. Her mouth still felt stale, though, so she asked for another one, and Naruto gave him. And then another, and another, and another, until she had finished all six cans by herself.

She burped.

“Wow, that’s a good one, Hinata,” Naruto said. “Never knew that girls could bleech, too.”

“Oh- hic- you never know what a girl –hic- can do, Na-Ru-To-Kun,” she tried getting up, but failed.

Naruto acted like a gentleman and helped her. He put his arms around her, oblivious to the effects that he had caused, and lifted her. “So how are you feeling right now? I’m sorry I gave you the spicy one. I didn’t know-“

“Shhush,” she put a finger on his mouth. “I haven’t stopped –hic- talking. You don’t –hic- interrupt someone talking.”

“Okay, sorry. Again,” Naruto grinned. “You were saying?”

“Naruto-kun,” she looked at him in the eye, and then blurted one thing that she had been hiding for the last twelve years.

“I love love really you.”

Well, if that wasn’t the worst way to confess…

-

that was probably wasn’t too bad, since Hinata’s only audience was the subject of her love confession, who immediately rejected her by saying rather bluntly “But I don’t like you that way, Hinata-chan! You need to go home!”. But there was actually another (uninvinted) guest accidentally hearing that, and by the time it was morning, nearly all of Naruto and Hinata’s acquaintances had known about this little scandal.

Including, of course, the surprisingly meddling Uchiha Sasuke.

-

-

-

AN
Ohohoho, Sasuke is sure one annoying little douchebag, isn’t he?

And no, the ‘little bird’ who accidentally heard the confession wasn’t Sasuke. Or Sakura.

The pairings, I think they will be kind of ambigious at the start of the story. There will be other pairings, too, and all of them will be crack. :D I love crack pairings.

Anyway, thanks a lot for reading my story. CC is welcome, and if there's any embarassing mispelling (I know I made a lot of them), please do tell me.