Welcome and congratulations on your purchase of an Uchiha Sasuke, Come-Come Edition! We at Akatsuki Inc. pride ourselves in providing you life size realistic models of your favorite characters with the most advance AI programming on the market. Read onwards to learn about your new Sasuke!

Unpacking

When unpacking your new Sasuke, be sure to cut the zip ties that bind him to the box. Once that is complete open the box and press the ON button. This will bring your Sasuke to life and one of two things will happen. He will either exit the box or remain frighten within. If the latter happens, calmly walk a few feet away from the box, try coaxing him out with tomatoes or Itachi’s location. Note: the tomatoes may be the safest method, seeing as Sasuke may inflict physical harm on you if he figures out you have no idea where Itachi is.

Once out of the box, DO NOT glomp him or do any other fangirly things to him. He may harm you or retreat back into the box, refusing to come out. Let him explore your house while you store away his box. DO NOT THROW IT AWAY! We won’t accept a broken Sasuke in any other container than the one we shipped him in. Once he is relaxed and/or familiar with his surroundings, you may proceed to fangirl and glomp him. Just remember he finds these things annoying.

Basic Care

Now that he’s awake, you must care for your Sasuke. Sasuke is pretty much independent, but like all systems he needs basic care to insure he’s healthy. DO not feed him ramen or sweets. All units are water proof, so he may want to bathe, let him. He’s a big boy. Keep him away from power lines as this may fry his computer chip.

If for whatever reason you find that your Sasuke is cold, distant or otherwise displaying emo or avenger traits…DO NOT PANIC! That is in his programming! To alter his personality, skip to the second about shipping.

Interaction with other units

From time to time, you may want to take your Sasuke for a lively walk around the block. Be warned! Sasuke will interact differently with each unit. It is advise that you steer clear of any Akatsuki and/or Itachi units, as this may trigger a REVENGE/BATTLE response in Sasuke. If you have purchase or upgraded your Sasuke to the Shippuden model he will tend to seek out Itachi and/or Akatsuki units.

Interacting with Orochimaru and Kabuto units is less hazardous. Though a Shippuden model will kill an Orochimaru unit. Pre-Shippuden models willingly seek out Orochimaru units. If you dislike the fact that Sasuke joins Orochimaru, then it’s advised to stay away from Orochimaru, Kabuto, Kimimaru and Sound Four units.

Naruto units are less dangerous but my trigger a BATTLE response in Sasuke. They may end up fighting, unless you have purchase a YAOI: SasuNaru chip. Shippuden Naruto units and Shippuden Sasuke units automatically go into a BATTLE response.

Sakura units are harmless to Sasuke, as Sakura is in love with him. Unless your Sasuke decides to find an Orochimaru unit, a Sakura unit may respond in a negative light. Shippuden Sakura units go into a CONFUSION to BATTLE response upon seeing a Shippuden Sasuke unit. Of course Sasuke’s response to the situations may vary, especially if you have a SasuSaku chip inserted.

Interacting with Kakashi units is slightly dangerous as it is that Kakashi units attempt to stop Sasuke from seeking revenge. Sasuke will ignore any advice any Kakashi unit gives. Shippuden Sasuke and Shippuden Kakashi do not interact at all.

Interaction with a Sai unit will promote a BATTLE response in your Sasuke unit. This is only for Shippuden Sasuke models.

Interaction with Hebi units and other Konoha units is basic cold indifference. This can be altered with various shipping/personality chips available.

Shipping/Personality chips

As any healthy fangirl or fanboy, you enjoy various pairings. Some involving Sasuke. Lucky for you there are six shipping preprogrammed chip for your Sasuke! Be warned that once a shipping chip is inserted into your Sasuke, his personality will change to fit the needs of the pairing. Be sure you want to change your Sasuke’s personality before inserting a shipping chip.

There are six chips. The following is a brief description of each chip. Our most popular chips are the YAOI: SasuNaru and SasuSaku chips. (For view all shipping/personality chips for our various models, please call us at out toll free number 1-800-AKATSUKI and we will send you a catalogue right away!)

The YAOI series

NaruSaku: Sasuke will willingly seek out a Naruto unit, apologizing to a Naruto unit and come “home” to the Naruto unit’s house. Your Sasuke unit may tend to show some girly tendencies. (Never fear, you will never lose your Sasuke unit! Because we have programmed a GPS system into him that allows you to monitor your Sasuke unit)

ItaSasu: Sasuke will stop seeking revenge upon an Itachi unit and interact in a non-hostile manner towards an Itachi unit, (Note: this may confuse your friend’s Itachi unit, so be on alert for an Itachi unit without an ItaSasu chip will ruthlessly attack your Sasuke unit). An Itachi unit will then become brotherly and your Sasuke unit will forgive Itachi.

Note: If you aren’t into the whole Incest Yaoi love, you can always get a BROTHERLY LOVE: ItaSasu chip, this will promote no YAOI response towards an Itachi unit, but they will reconcile and become brothers again.

MadaSasu: Sasuke will worship an Tobi/Madara unit. It is unclear how a Tobi/Madara unit will react as we are still working out bugs in this chip.

Straight Series

SasuSaku: Sasuke will seek out any Sakura unit. He will be cold and indifferent but will gradually defrost until he is head-over-heels in love with his chosen Sakura unit. Sakura will return his feelings, this may not happen if his chosen Sakura unit has a YURI, ItaSaku or NaruSaku chip inserted; if your Sasuke is upgraded to a Shippuden model, he will seek out a Shippuden Sakura and the process may take longer or the Shippuden Sakura may reject Sasuke. If rejection happens be sure to have tissues and tomatoes, and be willing to comfort Sasuke an encourage him to try again. He may succeed. For best response make sure Sasuke’s chosen Sakura unit also has a SasuSaku chip.

SasuIno: Note- this chip only works with pre-Shippuden units. Sasuke will seek out an Ino unit and will allow her to glomp him and act fangirly towards him, patiently waiting until she stops fangirling over him.

SasuKa: Note- this chip is only compatable with a Shippuden Sasuke unit. Sasuke will gradually enjoy Karin’s fangirlism and seduction attempts. Shippuden Sasuke will seek out any Karin unit as Karin units are programmed with SasuKa tendencies. Even a Karin unit with a SuiKa or JuuKa chip may ditch her chosen Suigetsu or Jugo unit for a Sasuke unit with a SasuKa chip.

For any other Sasuke pairings that aren’t mentioned, please order a Sasu/???? Chip, request the other member of the pairings and we’ll ship you your new chip! For more fun, you may be interested with an ItaSakuSasu or any one of our triangle or foursome chips.

The Nighttime Series

Your Sasuke is preprogrammed to worship you. Though you may need to inflict some abuse on him before he acknowledges this part of his programming. The Nighttime series is design specifically for you, though if you have programmed your Sasuke with a shipping chip, please purchase a Nighttime series chip for your specific ship.

There are two chips in this series: Flying sheets, where Sasuke may join in your bed and the Fun-Fun Shower Time, where Sasuke will enter the shower and help was your “back”. Note: The Nighttime Series chips are only compatible with a Shippuden Sasuke.

Enjoy

We at Akatsuki Inc. are proud that you have read and understood everything in this owner’s manual concerning your new Uchiha Sasuke unit. If you have any questions please feel free to call us at 1-800-AKATSUKI (Tokyo time). One of our slaves…erm secretaries will be happy to take your calls. You may return your Sasuke unit at any time, though we are sorry to say that we will NOT refund your money, but will ship you out a new Sasuke. (You have to pay for shipping both ways, though.)

Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto

Long ago I saw a Prince Zuko owner’s manual. And I’ve been wanting to do one for Sasuke for a while, since there seem to be none. Of course the phone number and the email address are bogus. Its all in good fun. Anyways, love Sasuke! I may do an Itachi one. Not likely, but hey you never know.

R’n’R

DJ