Author’s Note: This is an APPROVED parody of ivvymoon’s fic “The Manly Art of Aerobics”, which I beta. This is not in-sync with her story line, but think of it as an AU of an AU, if you will. I hope you all enjoy! This is also a very belated b-day present for Gwyllion, who loves that fic more than oxygen and deserves more Stupid Sasuke in her life. Enjoy you two! I love you both!

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Man Up and Tuck In:

A ‘Manly Art of Aerobics’ Tribute

by animeaddict666 for ivvymoon and gwyllion

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Sasuke knew it was a bad idea. Seriously bad. It was Stupid Sasuke’s idea, after all.

Why the hell was he actually thinking of doing this?

Sane Sasuke pleaded and tore his hair out and threatened suicide.

Still, he couldn’t shake the memory of the way Naruto had ogled that lime green monstrosity prancing around the gym last week. Granted, the man had been toned, but a bowl cut? Come on. He could do better than that! Naruto deserved better than that.

‘Ogled?’ Sane Sasuke shrieked angrily.‘More like stared in horror.’

Sasuke ignored the snide comment, turning back and forth in his bedroom and checking the fit of his new outfit. Thankfully, the store had carried these in more than lime green. He needn’t draw any more attention to himself. Black was stealthy, right?

Right.

Stupid Sasuke cheered.

Sane Sasuke sobbed.

Sasuke stepped in front of the mirror, braced himself, and turned. He blanched, threw up a little in his mouth and then hid behind his own fingers.

Generations of Uchiha ancestors dug out their eyeballs with rusty spoons.

He peeked through his fingers.

He shivered.

‘You can’t seriously be thinking of going OUT in that!’Sane Sasuke screeched, tone enflamed with embarrassment and fury.

‘This will work, I tell you,’ Stupid Sasuke crowed, strutting about in a matching skin-tight ensemble, hips thrust forward shamelessly.

‘At least put a bag over your head, so no one from the office recognizes you,’ Sane Sasuke pleaded. ‘And would you PLEASE put some under garments on, you animal!’ he screeched at Stupid Sasuke.

‘Like you haven’t seen it before,’ Stupid Sasuke replied airily. ‘Besides, what good would hiding this hot body do?’ he added, flexing his buttocks and waving it back and forth until Sane Sasuke hung his head helplessly in his hands. ‘Naruto needs to see us in all our glory if we’re going to catch his attention!’

‘Oh, we’ll catch his attention alright, as a complete nut job with the fashion sense of a Neanderthal.’

Why the hell was he was doing this again?

‘Remember when you saw up his shorts?’ Stupid Sasuke sing-songed by way of encouragement.

How could he forget? Problem was that had been the most interaction he’d enjoyed with Naruto before or since. That man had the worst case of adult ADHD on the planet. Nothing, NOTHING, held his attention for more than two-point-five seconds. The only action that had succeeded in achieving sustained contact with the subject (yes, this is a mission, shut up) had been his minor medical emergency. However, Sasuke was not willing to faint in public again, and risk Naruto thinking he was some sort of fragile, helpless weakling.

Ever pouring salt on his wounds, Sakura was still sending little care packages to his office to “strengthen his delicate constitution”, which were now being summarily torched in the firm’s in-house document incinerator.

Then again, another fainting spell was almost preferable to this atrocity.

‘Trust me. He won’t know what hit him,’ Stupid Sasuke squealed like a Japanese school girl. ‘Remember how he just couldn’t look away from that lime green moron? He won't be able to take his eyes off us! This is the best idea ever!’

Sane Sasuke was curled in the fetal position and murmuring in a rather not sane way.

Without the buffering effect of sanity, Stupid Sasuke began prancing around his head space, turning cartwheels in his new finery, miming at least 53 Kama sutra positions while chanting “gonna get cha good” to cheesy porn music in time to his thrusting hips.

‘I won’t look, not listening, don’t look, oh gods…’

Great. Now he had Stupid Sasuke and Insane Sasuke.

Just fucking perfect.

---

Sasuke called into work the next morning, using one of his 813 accumulated sick days. He had never taken a day off since he started at the firm more than 10 years ago, not even during scheduled holidays.

The secretary was so speechless, he thought the line had gone dead.

“Hello?” he said gruffly, doing his best sick impression.

‘You sound constipated,’ Stupid Sasuke complained. ‘Haven’t you ever called in sick? Oh, that’s right, no.’

Sasuke opened his mouth, but snapped it shut when he realized he was about to argue with an invisible part of his broken psyche.

“Hello? Ms. Fields, are you there?” he snapped angrily instead.

“S-sorry, sir,” Karen gasped finally. “You’re r-really n-not coming in? A-are you, I mean, ah, is everything alright?”

“Would I call in sick if everything was alright?” he growled acerbically. “Please reschedule my appointments. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes sir!” she piped shrilly, slamming the receiver down hard enough to send feedback ricocheting through his eardrum.

He shook his head and shut off his Bluetooth, wearing a satisfied grin.

Operation Plausible Deniability: Complete.

Commencing Operation Ditch Pinky.

He grimaced. Sasuke just knew this one was going to cost him.

---

Sasuke knew better than to bargain when desperate: It made for bad bargains.

Following the purchase of a two-year personal training contract, a dozen oxygen bar passes, and two in-house massages, Sasuke’s wallet wept tears of blood as he finally concluded his haggling with Shikamaru. That man could sell igloos to polar bears. Then again, making sure Sakura wasn’t present when he made his debut as a mental patient during aerobics class would be worth it, especially if it all blew up in his face, as he feared it inevitably would. Being Stupid Sasuke’s idea, failure was practically guaranteed.

Desperation really did suck.

He opened his Blackberry and activated voice command, “Sakura.”

The phone rang all of 1.5 times before she picked up, breathlessly rambling, “Oh gods, did you turn him gay yet? Did you get a date? Can I watch? I’m on my way now!”

“Very funny,” he growled with annoyance, his temples throbbing with the forerunner of a killer migraine. “The aerobics class is canceled today.”

“Oh reeeeeeally…” she drawled, suspicion oozing through the earpiece. “You’re at the gym awfully early today.”

“Yes, really, now go fantasize to some other gay couple’s sex life.”

“So Naruto IS gay!” Sakura squealed, practically causing auditory hemorrhaging before Sasuke could rip the earpiece out. “Have you ravaged him yet? Please, spare me no details.”

Sasuke hung up, not dignifying her inquiry with a response.

Shikamaru cocked a fastidious eyebrow at the exchange.

Sure enough, the gym’s phone rang a moment later. Shikamaru picked up and explained to Sakura that, yes, Naruto had food poisoning and, yes, he would be off work for the next 48 hours.

Sasuke grinned evilly. He had anticipated Sakura’s lack of faith in his story from the beginning. Of course, she had every reason to be skeptical. Sasuke had never billed himself as a “trustworthy” friend, more the “dependably deceptive” type.

After Shikamaru graciously corroborated his story, Sasuke made him study a company roster of his co-workers and agree to reroute them should they come to the gym while his mission was in progress. Though this additional favor cost him several juice bar tickets and an extra $50 under the table, he wrote it off as a worthy expense.

So far, things were proceeding as planned.

Operation Ditch Pinky: Complete. Moving to primary objective.

Stupid Sasuke pumped his fists in the air and whooped.

Insane Sasuke stared vacantly at the ceiling as if all hope for the fate of humanity had rested in the palm of his hand and he had crushed it to dust.

Sasuke took a steadying breath and pushed the door open to the men’s locker room.

Mission to Seduce Golden Sex God and Make Him a Flaming Homo: Commencing.

---

Sasuke had locked, bolted and buttressed the men’s locker room door shut with a 20-lb weight. The sporadic pounding of irate gym-goers seeking entrance went unnoticed, as he was too busy surveying himself in the mirror and working himself into a hyperventilating frenzy. He had wrapped white grip tape around his lower forearms and calves, and strapped a holster to his thigh to hold his cell phone and iPod. This was a token effort that did nothing to detract from the fact that he was wearing a skin-tight, full-body, black Spandex suit that left NOTHING to the imagination.

There was just no wearing underwear with this thing.

‘What are you waiting for!?’ Stupid Sasuke shouted glibly. ‘Go make Naruto gay already!’

Insane Sasuke was scrawling weird symbols in the corner with chalk, mumbling something that sounded alarmingly like the speaking of tongues. ‘I can’t seeeeeee them…’ he whispered vacantly.

No help there.

Taking a deep, fortifying breath and closing his eyes, Sasuke moved the dumbbell away from the door, unbolted the latch and unlocked the handle. He emerged from the locker room as if stepping in front of a firing squad.

The half-dozen men, who had been loudly complaining about the locker room being closed, stared wide-eyed, their jaws slack.

Sasuke straightened his shoulders and strode forward with all the dignity a well-respected lawyer wearing Spandex could muster. Metal clanged as barbells were dropped, followed by undignified shrieks as they landed on unsuspecting fingers and toes. A woman went flying off her treadmill as she stopped mid-stride. Shikamaru, whom only had two expressions – bored and unimpressed – actually fell out of his chair, which had been precariously balanced on two legs, as Sasuke walked by.

‘This is so awesome!’ Stupid Sasuke crowed. ‘I knew this would work.’

His face was melting off by the time he made it to the aerobics room, where the customary crowd of onlookers parted like the Red Sea before him. A few of the women gasped, sounding equal parts horror and arousal. He quickly closed the door behind him, though the plate glass did nothing to offer him the privacy he craved. It was like one of those nightmares where you walk around for hours having important meetings, only to realize you aren’t wearing any clothes.

The room was full. Everyone always came early to Naruto’s classes to get the prime spots at the front of the room, and Sasuke was late from working up his nerve to leave the locker room. The class was already doing warm-ups, but everyone turned at the sound of the door opening.

Several women stumbled in the middle of doing the grapevine.

Sasuke went rigid, ignoring Stupid Sasuke’s motivational cheering.

Naruto, who was bouncing around at the front of the room with his customary hyperactive energy, finally realized that something unprecedented was occurring – his class was ignoring him. He turned to follow their collective gaze. Naruto’s upbeat tenor stuttered to a stop over the speakers, his eyes widening comically.

With no command to follow, all movement ceased.

Sasuke swallowed, working spit into his sawdust dry throat. The soles of his feet might as well have been stapled to the floor. He couldn’t retreat anymore than he could move forward to participate in what promised to be the most disgraceful hour of his life.

Someone wolf whistled.

What the HELL had he been thinking?!

As if on cue, Stupid Sasuke struck a pose and exclaimed, ‘Damn, do we look fine!’

Sasuke wished there was such a thing as selective suicide, because he’d really love to kill a part of himself right now.

“Wel-welc-come, er, glad you made it, uh, Sa-sasuke,” Naruto finally managed, gesturing dynamically for him to come forward, face bright as a cherry tomato.

Straightening his spine, Sasuke peeled his feet off the floor and made his way to the front of the class. Feverous whispers followed him. His eyes were riveted on the plank flooring as Naruto worked the class back into the warm-up, their footsteps rhythmic and heavy in his ears, echoing hollowly.

A woman stifled a snicker to his right.

He ignored it, focusing on mimicking Naruto’s complex stepping routine. Why did aerobics have to require so much concentration? His time would be much better spent eyeballing the instructor. As he was sneaking a peak from underneath his bangs, a familiar shock of pink flashed in his peripheral vision.

No.

He jerked his head up.

Gods NO.

Sakura’s complexion was the color of her bright red skort and vest workout ensemble, her face scrunched tight in an effort to repress her mirth.

His left leg tripped over nothing, and he cart-wheeled his arms to catch his balance.

Sakura snorted indecently on a shock of laughter.

He glared and diverted his attention to Naruto’s feet once again. They’d have to use dental records to identify the body when he was finished with her. Maybe Shikamaru would join her.

Sasuke stumbled back into a hop-skip sideways slide. He shoved Sakura to the furthest corner of his mind, trying desperately to keep up with the rest of the class. Why the hell was everyone clapping now? As if aerobics needed to be any more humiliating. They actually sounded like they were enjoying themselves.

‘You’re not winning any brownie points like that,’ Stupid Sasuke chimed in, miming a perfect aerobics routine, complete with erotic gyrating. ‘More hips, dammit, shake that ass!’

Sasuke tuned out his inner mental diatribe, having enough difficulty deciphering Naruto’s rapid-fire instructions while his mind went numb with embarrassment.

This had been a terrible, awful, no good, very bad idea.

Naruto picked up the pace, and for a blissful moment he concentrated on just moving less like a retarded robot monkey and forgot his state of dress. Any grace he had possessed when he practiced judo or gymnastics seemed to desert him in the execution of these trivial aerobics exercises.

He was just starting to get the hang of it, when he made the mistake of looking up. At his own reflection. In the mirror-lined walls of the aerobics room, his shame was amplified a thousand times over. There was no escape. Every glance bombarded him with the sight of his endowments in sharp relief.

Naruto, he noticed, was managing to avoid his side of the room completely and had even forgone stripping at half-past the hour, as was his routine.

‘No stripping!?’ Stupid Sasuke shrieked, twitching as if suffering epilepsy. ‘What did you do!?’

Had he…had he ruined it? Had he worn this foul fashion faux pas for nothing?

Failure was unacceptable. He had not endured so much for Naruto to ignore him. No sir. Naruto was turning gay, whether he liked it or not.

With him, preferably.

Sane Sasuke, in a moment of clarity, begged, ‘Can’t we just go home? Please?’

‘Shut up, you wet blanket,’ Stupid Sasuke growled. ‘Go get ‘im, tiger!’

Barely miming the aerobics routine, Sasuke maneuvered ever so slowly towards the other side of the room.

Sakura intercepted him, wearing a wolfish grin. “So, uh,” she broke off on a fit of breathless giggles. “Getting desperate?”

Her failure to grasp the gravity of the situation appalled him. He glared unadulterated homicide.

Sakura playfully bowed and stepped out of the way, winking and giving him a thumbs up. “After you, Romeo.”

Sasuke gave up on subtlety. He strode across the room with murderous intent. This was Naruto’s fault. This is what he’d been reduced to – a man with no shame, a man with no dignity, a man in Spandex.

Naruto stiffened, catching sight of Sasuke’s rapid approach in the mirrors. The instructor turned as if to make for the exit, but Sasuke cut off his escape route, cornering him in the front of the room. This was Naruto’s fault. All Naruto’s…Gods, he looked even better up close – the lustrous tan of his complexion, the natural sun-bleached, bed-tousled hair, the clear, striking cerulean blue of his irises. It had been too long.

“Er, can I help you?” the question reverberated in the room’s speaker system.

Sasuke froze, knuckles clenched, watching the damp line of sweat above those perfect, pink lips.

“Okaaaaaay,” Naruto drawled, inching along the mirror. “I’ll just get back to teaching class then…”

Sasuke threw his arm out, boxing Naruto into the corner with his body. Naruto’s face was flushed with more than exertion, his back hunched as he tried to put space between them. By now, everyone had stopped to watch the exchange unfold, some with envious glares.

“Are you gay?” Sasuke blurted.

‘Reeeeeeal smooth,’ Stupid Sasuke muttered with a roll of his eyes. ‘Even I have more tact than that.’

At this close proximity, Naruto’s microphone picked up each syllable with crystal clarity. Several women gasped, but the air hummed with anticipation. He wasn’t the only one who’d been wondering.

Naruto’s face went purple with fury. “You, the hell, I mean, what, how can--how DARE you!?” he sputtered, his eyes livid.

Sasuke heart clenched, but he stood his ground, cocking his chin up with haughty disdain. “You teach an aerobics class.”

“Well, you’re wearing a leotard, asshole!” Naruto screeched.

Sasuke winced, but plowed on. “You noticed?” There was no turning back now. “I thought you were too busy hiding from your sexuality at the other end of the room.”

Naruto pushed Sasuke back with a force that sent him skidding across the polished floor on his slippery backside, knocking over plastic steps on his way. Women squealed and jumped out of his path.

“You prick!” Naruto fumed, but then clamped his mouth shut, looking around wildly. Several dozen eyes were riveted on him in mixed shock and fascination. “I…I didn’t mean to…” he trailed off, eyes lowering regretfully. He retreated from the scene, leaving the class silent and unmoving as he ducked through the side exit.

Well, that could have gone better. Sasuke stood, gingerly rubbing his hand on his hip. That would leave quite the bruise. He frowned at the accusatory stares the women, and the men, were leveling at him, as if he’d killed a puppy. He glared right back.

Sakura made her way over, her mouth set in a firm line of anger. Sasuke instinctively took a step back, arm coming up to ward her off. She simply grabbed his wrist and jerked him behind her, dragging him to the side exit.

Sasuke would have resisted, but Sakura could hit very hard, and she really looked like she wanted to hit him right now.

She shoved him through the exit door. He stumbled into the daylight, blinking, realizing belatedly that he was now outside. In public. During the lunch rush. Wearing a Spandex suit. His cheeks burned.

“Go clean up the mess you made,” Sakura hissed like an angry cat. “Naruto could lose his job after a stunt like that, you inconsiderate ass.”

“It was a valid question,” he muttered defensively.

“You…” Sakura sighed heavily and shook her head. “Ugh, men are such idiots.” Her green eyes narrowed dangerously and she pointed after Naruto’s retreating form. “Now, go apologize.”

Sasuke dusted off the broken pieces of his pride and straightened his back, turning to go to his car, not to chase Naruto. Nope. He was just taking the scenic route to his car, which was on the other side of the parking lot.

“Then you can go have hot, sweaty, make-up man sex.”

Sasuke lurched to a stop, glaring resentfully over his shoulder.

Sakura had already disappeared back inside.

‘I second that motion,’ Stupid Sasuke added readily.

“You’re fired,” Sasuke grunted, chasing after the mop of blond hair moving through the outdoor parking lot.

‘Finally,’ Sane Sasuke sighed. ‘You’ve come to your senses.’

“You too.”

Sasuke strode forward, stride heavy with determination.

He was going this one alone.

Naruto had just opened his car door when he heard Sasuke’s footsteps. He glanced back, only to whip around when he caught sight of his pursuer. “What are you following me for, you dickhead!” he shouted furiously, clenching the door handle in a bloodless grip. “Didn’t you get enough already? Happy now? You got the fag fired!”

Sasuke halted mid-stride, eyes widening. “Wait, you mean you’re…”

“Yes, I’m gay, you son of a bitch!” Naruto screeched, waving his arms manically. “Bet you’re pretty pleased with yourself, huh? You’re little charade with that girlfriend of yours, was that just to get in the class so you could out me? Just can’t stand the thought of a fag like me at a nice gym where your girlfriend works out? Or do you just get your jollies off on trying to ruin the careers of any gay man you come in contact with?!”

Naruto was panting when he finished his diatribe, which had attracted the attention of quite the crowd on the nearby pedestrian walkway. Sasuke was almost too stunned to respond, and all that came out of his mouth was a muted, “Ah, that’s not exactly…”

“What?!” Naruto interrupted. “You just happen to like Spandex and ask every male if he’s gay! Spare me the cover story! At least have the balls to admit that you’re a homophobic piece of--”

It was at this point that Sasuke realized Naruto could probably rant forever, or at least as long as Sakura, which was intolerable. He shut Naruto up the only way he knew how, or maybe just the easiest way. Sasuke took the final two steps forward, grabbed Naruto’s shirt collar, blocked the resultant right hook to his face and pressed his lips against the scowling mouth.

Naruto went stiff, but didn’t fight back.

Sasuke took that response as, “yes, please ravish me”.

Naruto was sticky and sweaty, his musk pungent and heady. Sasuke drank in the smell and taste of him, his eyes sliding closed against his better judgment. He ran his tongue along the cleft of the man’s chin, over his lips, forcing between the resistant press of his mouth, feeling along the ridges of his teeth.

Naruto retaliated, shoving his tongue back and sucking voraciously on his lips, growling possessively into the kiss. Rough, broad hands slid over the damp, slippery material covering Sasuke’s chest, catching against his hardening nipples, making him suck in a sharp breath at the unexpected sensation. He gripped the shirt in his fist tightly and jerked their bodies together, hissing at the friction against his crotch.

It was messy, it was sloppy, it was abso-fucking-lutely glorious.

When Naruto finally shoved him back, Sasuke was too dazed to do more than flop inelegantly against the open car door, his knees feeling like cooked noodles.

Naruto was panting, his face twisted with bewilderment and lust.

“So, you are gay,” Sasuke affirmed, smiling serenely with victory. “For me.”

Naruto cocked a doubtful eyebrow. “You suck at social interaction, you know that?”

“Moron,” he countered half-heartedly, feeling like a feline who just finished feasting on cream.

“Bastard.”

“Oh my god, did you see that!?”

Sasuke and Naruto jerked their gaze to the street corner adjacent to their parking spot. A crowd of two dozen women had gathered, camera phones snapping pictures with audible clicks and whirls.

They turned to each other in horror.

“I can’t WAIT until Karen sees this one.”

Sasuke recognized that woman from work.

Naruto smiled blithely. “Women and their fetishes these days.” He shook his head, but stopped when he caught sight of Sasuke’s fish-white pallor. “Uh, you were out already, right?”

Sasuke felt light-headed. “No,” he said hollowly. “No, I wasn’t.”

“Ah,” Naruto said with a helpless shrug. “You are now.”

“That appears to be the case.”

Naruto grinned widely, rubbing his hair into further disarray. “So, you wanna grab some coffee?”

Sasuke didn’t need to feign his horror. “You drink coffee?”

Naruto frowned. “I love coffee,” he retorted defensively.

“That explains a lot.”

“Hey!” Naruto shouted, as Sasuke climbed into the passenger side and he made his way around to the driver’s. “Coffee is nectar of the gods!”

It was only as they were driving to the coffee shop one mile from the gym that he realized Stupid and Sane Sasuke had vanished. Suddenly, he remembered when they had first made their appearance in his head space.

“Has anybody ever told you that you broke their brain,” Sasuke muttered darkly, not really expecting an answer.

Naruto doubtfully raised his eyebrows. “Hey, you’re the one wearing a full Spandex suit in public,” he countered, climbing out of the car.

Sasuke looked down. He’d forgotten to change.

“Yes, yes I am.”

Sasuke stepped out into the sunlight, and left his reservations behind him.

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THE END

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Author’s Notes: Okay, really corny way to end it, I know, but I started this thing on a whim and really it was just to make Sasuke wear Spandex. Like it? Love it? Despise it? Do let me know! Just remember that this is meant to be parody and crack; and, for once, characterization is not my major goal here. I hope you all enjoyed it, and at least got a laugh. Gwyll, hope this cheers you up, and, Ivvy, hope this motivates you to humiliate Sasuke even more. LOL.