All characters and events in this fanfiction--even those based on real people--are entirely fictional. All celebrity descriptions are made up… poorly. The following fanfiction contains coarse language and due to its content should not be read by anyone.

South Park © Matt Stone and Trey Parker

The Merchant of Venice © William Shakespeare

"All right you little faggots, shut the hell up."

Mr. Garrison commanded the attention of his sophomore English class. All the students faced the front of the class, momentarily stopping their chatter to find out what the hell their drama queen of a teacher had to say. Garrison sighed, dropping a stack of books on his desk before taking a piece of chalk and writing out something on the blackboard. When he finished, he turned back around with an annoyed look plastered on his face.

"All right, so the South Park School District came out with all these gay rules, and I have to follow them or the Principal is gona dock my pay. This year we have to read at least one Shakespearian play, and some stupid bitch on the PTA suggested we actually act one out. So, lucky us, we're gona be acting out The Merchant of Venice."

A moan rippled through the class, and several students rather explicitly expressed their complaints. Stan leaned over in his seat towards Kyle. "Dude, this is so gay. I don't wana do this."

"Dude, I know." Kyle then smirked and turned towards Stan, his now loose, dark curls bouncing on his face. "At least now I won't feel bad for cheating for you."

Stan scoffed before smiling at the Jewish teen. "Please Kyle; you know you'd do anything for me." He then redirected his gaze back towards the front of the class, missing the pink blush that spread across the bride of his best friend's nose.

"Yeah… I would."

"Don't you little pieces of shit be complaining, my salary is the thing on the line here. We have to perform this in front of the whole school, and anyone who fucks their performance up is gona get an F for this class."

"That's not fair!" Bebe shouted in an outrage. Wendy was right next to her, nodding in agreement.

"Don't get you're Hello Kitty panties in a bunch," Mr. Garrison shot back at the girls. Out of the corner of his eye, Kenny saw Butters look down at his lap in confusion. "I casted all of your parts so there's no chance of any of you screwing this up."

"And this is mandatory?" Token questioned sadly.

"Yes, so shut the hell up and let me get to your roles."

Kenny rolled his eyes and turned in his seat. "This has got to be the gayest thing he's ever done."

"Are you sure about that?" Stan asked with a hint of amusement in his voice. "He's done some pretty gay things."

Kenny snorted. "Okay, well... they gayest things he's made us do… in a while."

Kyle chuckled and shook his head, curls bobbing once again. "Am I the only one who's looking at it like it might be fun?"

"I don't think so," Kenny stated, nodding in Butters direction. The blonde had a wide grin plastered on his face and seemed to be excited about the whole experience. Butters looked in their direction, noticing that all three boys were looking at him, and immediately his grin disappeared and he looked away.

"Aw, don't pick on him like that," Kyle stated with a small frown. "He doesn't really have any friends besides the fat ass."

Kenny flipped his bangs out of his face and shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me. Butters is a pussy, and I'm not interested in anyone who won't stand up for themselves."

"I said shut your fucking mouths!" Mr. Garrison suddenly yelled. He slammed his desk drawer, where he had been looking for the cast sheet, and walked back to the front of the class. "Alright… now, I'm not gona bother telling you what this thing is about. Big Gay Al is gona be your director and shit anyways, so I'll just leave all that up to him."

"Dude, I don't want to be bossed around by some queer!" Cartman shouted.

"Alright, so first is the role of Bassanio," Mr. Garrison started, ignoring Cartman completely. "He's the dirt poor main character that get's a loan in order to win over some bitch with a ton of cash. That'll be Stan."

"Seriously?" Stan perked up.

"Next is Antonio, Bassanio's best friend who's gay for him and takes up Bassanio's loan for him. That's gona be Kyle, because it just seemed appropriate."

"H-hey! What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kyle questioned, completely red in the face. He heard Cartman snicker and sunk into his seat.

"Then we're gonna have Shylock, the money grubber Jew with a stick up his ass. That's Cartman."

"What?!" Cartman shouted before standing up from his seat. "Why the fuck am I some Jew? Why can't that be Kyle?!"

Mr. Garrison sighed. "Because no one likes Shylock and no one likes you. Besides, you get to exact revenge on Kyle, so enjoy yourself while you can you little piece of crap."

Cartman grumbled before accepting his role and sitting back in his seat. Kyle sighed, still embarrassed that his teacher alluded to him being gay for Stan. It was true, but Kyle was having a hard enough time as it was keeping it secret. Stan turned to him, his big blue eyes offering sympathy and silent encouragement. Kyle smiled back; at least he would be playing a part he already knew: Stan's best friend.

"Alright, so next is Portia, the stuck up, rich Princess that Bassanio is gona marry to pay his bills. That's gona be Wendy."

Kyle suddenly froze in his seat and felt the blood leave his face. Stan's character was in love with Wendy's character, and was trying to win her heart. Kyle's character was Stan's best friend, and from what he remembered from what he saw of the play, Antonio was nearly in love with Bassanio: his best friend. Yeah, this was a role Kyle knew way too well.

Kyle saw Wendy smile at Stan, who smiled back brightly before looking back at Garrison. Kyle was beginning to feel sick.

"So, Portia's little servant girl, Nerissa, is gona be Bebe, because she already does a great job at that."

"Excuse me?"

"And then we're back to the guys with Gratiano, the drunken idiot who goes with Bassanio and ends up banging Nerissa, and that is-"

Kenny, Stan, and Kyle all sighed and looked at each other. This role was Kenny's, hands down.

"Craig."

"What?" all three boys chorused in surprise.

"Yeah, well, I figured that even though Kenny is a drunken man slut," to this, the golden blonde smiled in approval, "it wouldn't be the same, since Kenny can't speak. At least Craig can get through a sentence with people understanding him."

Kenny was looking at Garrison like he had just turned uglier. "What the hell are you talking about, you stupid queer?! I don't have a parka anymore, people understand me fine!"

"Shut the hell up, Kenny. I already have another role for you. Now you're gona be Lorenzo, the guy who convinces Shylocks daughter to run away with him and spend all her fathers' money."

For a second, South Park High's playboy was speechless, before he shrugged. "That sounds cool too."

"And as for Jessica, Shylock's daughter that runs away with Lorenzo, we have Butters."

"Um w-what?" Butters looked up with confusion and a blush on his cheeks.

"Oh my God, you can't be serious!" Kenny exclaimed in disgust.

"Yes, I'm serious. Cartman is always manipulating Butters, so it's the perfect role," Mr. Garrison stated angrily. "Not only that, but none of the other girls in this class are important enough to have names, so Butters is a girl."

"Aw… do I have to be a girl?" he asked sadly.

"Yes, Butters, you do."

"Aw, now I know my Dad's gona beat me," the blonde mumbled to himself.

Kenny sat in his seat angrily, giving Butters a glare from the corner of his eyes. This seemed to intimidate the younger boy even further, and he quickly slid into his desk and looked forward anxiously.

"Launcelot, the clown with the shitty jokes, is gona be played by Tweek."

The spastic teen twitched in his seat and rapidly shook his head. "No way, that's way too much pressure."

"Oh shut the hell up. Now the three guys with the names that start with S are gona be Timmy, Jimmy, and Pip. I don't give a fuck who's who. None of you have big speaking parts and they're not important characters. So last but not least are the Prince's that try to marry Wendy before Stan comes."

Only two guys were really left for these roles: Token and Clyde. Token and Wendy had gone out after Stan and Wendy had broken up, and now the rumor around school was that Clyde and Wendy were starting something. Either way, Kyle was nervous about this whole play.

"So Token will be the Prince of Morocco, because he's black."

Token frowned. "That's not cool man."

"And Clyde will be the Prince of Arragon… cause he's the only one left. And there are more people, but I don't give a monkey's ass. I'm going outside for a cigarette."

With that, Mr. Garrison tossed the cast sheet over his shoulder and stalked out of the classroom. A second later, the bell rang for everyone to go home. Their scripts were to be picked up on the way out.

Kenny looked at his friends with an expression that oozed despair. "I'm stuck with Butters… not some hot girl with no brain or some sexy guy whose homophobic… just Butters. What the hell?"

"Cheer up, man," Kyle stated, patting Kenny on the shoulder, "at least he'll be a good scene partner."

Kenny groaned. "Whatever… see you guys tomorrow?"

"See ya, man," Stan stated waving goodbye. Kyle smiled and waved himself before Kenny sulked through the halls in search of someone to have mindless, empty sex with.

"Hey Stan, what's up?"

Stan and Kyle turned around to see Wendy, with Bebe right behind her. Kyle was completely left out of the greeting, leaving the Jewish teen slightly frazzled.

"So Stan, ready to be stage lovers?" Wendy asked with a toothpaste white smile.

"It'll be easy, I just have to pretend we're dating again," Stan teased back. Wendy laughed before bidding him goodbye, taking Bebe along with her. Once they were gone, Stan let out a sigh.

"What's up?" Kyle asked his friend.

"Nothing… it's just, I'm really tiered of people pairing Wendy and me up. We're not like that anymore, and we've both moved on."

A thin eyebrow raised slightly. "Both of you?"

Stan shrugged, and a light blush covering his cheeks. "You know… I can't stay uninterested forever, dude." The two walked out of the class, scripts in hand, and towards the front of the school.

"You never told me any of this," Kyle exclaimed. "Who is it?"

"Who?" Stan questioned as they walked across the crosswalk.

"The person who has you interested!" Kyle replied angrily. "We're best friends, I think I should know who your love interest is."

Stan frowned, not looking at his friend. "Well… it's not like I don't want you to know."

"Then who is it?"

There was a pause before Stan sighed uncomfortably. "Okay, I don't want you to know. But hey, you're not one to talk."

Kyle blushed furiously. "W-what are you talking about?"

Stan smirked and looked Kyle straight in the eye. "Oh please, dude. I should know by now when you're crushing on someone."

"D-do you know who it is?" Kyle questioned nervously.

"Nope, but I can tell. You seem to be on cloud nine sometimes, and I notice when it happens. Just haven't put my finger on who yet."

Kyle sighed in relief. He did not need Stan knowing who his secret lover was. "Okay… so we both have secrets. It doesn't matter, you still have to tell me."

"No way, dude! You'll have to tell me who you like first! You've liked them longer."

"How would you know that?!" Kyle was about to explode from embarrassment.

"Dude, I noticed you were head over heals before I fell for… a certain person, myself."

Kyle stared at his friend, mouth agape in surprise by Stan's powers of deduction. Kyle was supposed to be the witty smart-ass that figured things out; this made him look like a total idiot. Stan Marsh, the star athlete of the town and the boy who was tutored by Kyle in almost every subject, had figured out Kyle was in love before Kyle had done the same.

"I can't believe I'm losing to you," Kyle mumbled in defeat.

Stan scoffed at that. "Dude, we're closer than Kenny and porn."

Kyle laughed at this before turning the corner. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But even still, it hurts me, as a man, to know that you've found me out before I could find you out."

"Well, actually, I've been into this person for a year or so…" Stan stated with a light blush.

Kyle looked at him, eyes wide in surprise and slight disappointment. He didn't even realize Stan was in love and the two were always together. And it was true: the two were almost always side by side. Whether it be during lunch, after school, or during the weekend, Stan and Kyle were almost like a couple themselves.

"But we aren't…" Kyle thought in disdain.

"Alright dude," Stan said, snapping Kyle out of his thoughts. "Well, I have to go now."

Kyle was slightly shocked to find that they had already reached Stan's house. They hadn't been walking for that long, had they? Or perhaps Kyle was just too occupied in his mind to notice. Either way, the little time they did get to have was not enough.

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow man. Same time, same place as always."

"You know it," Stan replied chuckling.

Kyle smiled and waved good-bye to his best friend and love interest before sighing and continuing to walk to South Park Elementary. He really had a lot of… interesting times in that place. What with Mr. Mackey, Mr./Mrs. Garrison, and Principle Victoria… and Chef. Too bad he had to join that… club of his and then get mauled by a bear.

Kyle stopped and waited outside the school gates. Eventually the bell rang and out came a mob of little kids all running to various minivans. Kyle smiled when he saw a little trashcan head running through the crowd and over to him. Ike smiled as he stopped in front of his older brother before hugging the redhead's torso.

"Hi Ike," Kyle greeted with a grin.

"Hi Kyle!" Ike then pulled away and took a deep breath as he prepared to tell his older brother a long-winded story. "Kyle, today Lilly and I took the booger swords over to the candy cane kings, who then gave us chocolate brownies to give to the cookie monster. But the cookie monster was mean and told us to destroy the Lego city with our play dough bombs! Then all the citizens screamed at us and threw their toothpick spears at us and I got a cut!"

Ike then lifted his finger to reveal a Hello Kitty band-aid wrapped around it. Kyle nodded before taking the younger boy's hand and beginning to walk with him towards home.

"That's nice Ike," Kyle stated with a slight smile as the two continued walking. A lot of people thought Ike wasn't too bright since he still talked like a kindergartener despite the fact that he was already in the fifth grade. Kyle knew otherwise though. He and Ike often talked deeply on a lot of subjects, and Ike was the only other person in the world, besides Kenny, who knew he liked Stan. But the little fluff ball had found that out on his own… not that it wasn't as obvious as a raging pink minivan at Lowes.

When they were a good distance away from the school Ike looked up at his older brother with a huge smile. "How was your day Kyle?"

Kyle sighed. "It was alright I guess. I'm going to be in a play for English; The Merchant of Venice."

"That was a good play. Don't tell me your Shylock," Ike stated with a giggle. See, the kid was smart.

Kyle laughed quietly and shook his head. "No, Cartman is Shylock. Stupid fat ass… I'm Bassanio… and Stan is Antonio."

"Ouch… let me guess, Wendy is Portia?" Ike asked with a wince. Kyle nodded and Ike gave his brother's hand a reassuring squeeze. "It's okay Kyle, she's not as smart as we are!"

Kyle laughed and patted his brother on the head. "Yeah, but Stan says he's not into her anymore. In fact, he's liked someone else for a long time now! How did I not know?"

"I knew," Ike declared suddenly. Kyle looked down at the little Canadian in shock, but Ike was just looking at him with a face that said: 'What, you didn't know?'

Kyle blushed and looked down at the sidewalk. "I can't believe I was one of the last to know my best friend was in love," Kyle stated with a heavy sigh.

"It's okay Kyle, it really is. I have a really strong feeling as to who it is, and I don't think Stan wants you to know who it is. Just give it time." Kyle looked down at Ike and smiled softly. His brother was so smart, which was kind of embarrassing to admit.

"Okay Ike, I'll trust your judgment."

Ike then scoffed and rolled his eyes. "You should have been doing that since you entered middle school."

"Ha ha, very funny." The two boys then arrived at their house and Kyle gave Ike a little wink, to which the small black haired boy returned. Kyle opened the door and their mother came out of the kitchen smiling.

"Kyle! Ike! My boys are home!" she exclaimed happily as she opened her arms.

"Mommy!" Ike cheered happily as he ran to the larger woman. Kyle smiled and gave his Mom a hug before picking up his backpack and heading up the stairs.

"You're not going to do your homework in the kitchen Bubbeh?" Sheila asked as she took Ike by the hand. Kyle shook his head and smiled slightly at the sad frown Ike was giving him.

"But Kyle has to protect me from the zebra aliens!" he shouted in and upset tone.

"Sorry Ike, but Kyle has to go contact Captain Kenny in order to exterminate the cereal zombie under your bed!" Kyle then made a goofy face and laughed as Ike squeaked and ran behind his mother. Sheila smiled and led Ike into the kitchen, but not before Ike could offer his brother a smile. Kyle smiled back before heading to his room. He had to talk to Kenny right away.

Next time on The Merchant of South Park:

Kyle calls a close friend to deal with the hand he was dealt, and production on The Merchant of Venice begins. How will Kyle deal with his crush issues, who is Stan after, and will Kenny get over the fact that Butter's isn't the brightest bulb in the box? Find out on the next chapter of: The Merchant of South Park.