If Bella Were Sane…a (very) slightly more serious approach to Anti-Twilightism. Part nine of the Twilight is Shit series. This was written several months ago, and was only discovered today when I was retrieving files.

Day One

Moved to Forks. Have no clue why, as I hate it here. I suppose I did it for my mom, of my own choice, so I guess I have no right to complain. Dad got me a car, though, which is beyond awesome.

Day Two

Went to school. It’s alright. There are some inhumanely (in the bad way, actually. The identical perfection is rather unsettling) beautiful people around here who look exactly like each other, are all dating each other, and apparently are not related.

The excuses people make up for incest.

Day Two, Later

One of the incestuous beautiful creeps sat next to me in Biology. I think he hates me, judging by the ferocious glares he keeps giving me for non reason.

I really better stay away from him. He looks kind of mentally unstable.

Day Two, Even Later

Everybody is so nice. Especially Mike. I kind of like him.

Day Three

Edward wasn’t in school today. Thank God.

Hung out with Mike and friends at lunch. Was fun.

Day Nine

Edward’s here again. Now he wants to be friends. I ended up staring at him. Not out of shock or astonishment of his beauty, but because his eyes were pond-scum colored (last time I saw him they were yellowish).

Ew.

Day Ten

Edward’s eyes are black now.

The hell? Does he have some sort of weird, scale changing eyes?

He also says that we shouldn’t be friends. O-kay, mister bipolar weirdo, fine with me. In fact, I’ll help you with that venture by staying the fuck away from you as much as possible.

Day Eleven

Got invited to a beach party. That’s totally cool of Mike, considering that I’ve barely been here for a week.

Edward finally leaving me alone. Phew.

Day Twelve

I almost got hit by a van. Holy shit, right? I barely got as much as a scratch, and Tyler was completely messed up. And people were paying more attention to me!

Does Tyler have some kind of bad reputation or something? Poor guy.

Day Nineteen

Beach party was pretty cool. Some guy with a pony tail made some cryptic comments about Edward and co.

I’ve come to the conclusion that everybody in this town is bloody insane.

Except maybe Mike.

Day Twenty

Went to Port Angeles with some friends. It was going fine until Jessica and Angela somehow disappeared and four guys started following me.

Fuck.

I wasn’t really worried, though, because I’m not stupid enough to walk down some dark, deserted alley alone for no good reason.

Except then, a Volvo pulled up and lo and behold, the creep himself, Edward Cullen. He pulled me into the car and drove off.

“What the hell, man?” was my rightfully outraged reaction.

He just shrugged.

“Were…were you stalking me or something?!” I yelled at him.

“Um…no. I was just around and I…saw you,” he said. He clearly didn’t think much of my intelligence if he thought I was gonna buy that.

I told him to take me home, but he entirely ignored me and took me to some restaurant. I tried to get the hell out of there and call a taxi, but he just grabbed my arm and ordered me something.

That’s it. I’m getting a restraining order.

Then he told me that he was a vampire.

Okay, Edward. Whatever you say.

Got the bastard to take me home, anyway. God. What the hell is wrong with him?

Day Twenty One

Edward caught up with me again. Holy shit, he just doesn’t give up, does he? He started asking me all these weird questions, like what color my underwear was.

Most of my answers involved curse words, so I won’t relate them.

Day Twenty Two

Today, Creepy Stalker Dude took me to a meadow.

Not of my own will, of course. He kind of just dragged me along, and as I don’t have a cell phone, and he DOES have a vice-grip, all I could was yell obscene things at him and kind of stumble along.

So we get to the meadow, and it’s all sunny, and then…he just starts sparkling, apparently he put on some body glitter or something that just shows up in the sun. I asked him why he was going to such elaborate measures to inform me that he was gay, but he just said that he loved me too.

And I was all, “But I don’t love you! I don’t even like you! In fact, after all this shit, I hate you! Are you deaf or something?”

And he was like, “I know, my dearest snowflake, but I am too dangerous for our love to flourish!”

So I just stared at him blankly, because some things just don’t deserve an answer. He didn’t try to stop me when I left, though, so that’s at least a plus.

Day Twenty Three

I didn’t really expect Creepy Stalker Dude to leave me alone, and my expectations were met completely. He stopped by my house after school (I had managed to successfully evade him for most of the day) and told me that we were going to meet his family. Once again, such displays of supreme, nigh unfathomable, obliviousness don’t deserve answers, so I went back into the house, but he somehow knew where the spare key was! And he even admitted that he’d been watching me sleep for the past month. He clearly thought it was romantic. He must have taken my horrified stare as a loving one, because he smiled and forcibly pulled me out of the house and into his car. Okay...going to meet his family, then.

So we got there, and apparently he has this nice house and shit, and his family is all almost, if not just, as crazy as he is. And they all look like each other. EXACTLY like each other. And they’re all dating. That’s it. My mom’s happiness is NOT WORTH this crap.

Day Twenty Three, Later

I tried to tell dad about the sheer ridiculousness surrounding the Cullens. I managed to sneak away from the CSD and found a phone, but before I could start all the felony-worthy crap he’s been doing, he found me and dragged me off to play baseball. No, really.

And I was just there, standing next to his slightly-more-normal-than-the-rest-of-them mom, looking for an escape route, when three more of the freakily perfect guys come into the clearing. And it was like, yeah, pretty general stuff (as general as being in these peoples’ proximity can get, anyway), when one of the guys nods to my Twinkie and says, ‘I see you brought a snack.” Which is admittedly a very strange conversation starter, but maybe he was hungry and wanted to politely ask if he could have it.

Well, Edward completely freaked out at that, seemed to think that the guy was going to, like, eat me or something, and he apparently knew that it was true because he ‘read his mind’.

Any doubt in my mind about Edward’s mental state has disintegrated.

He seemed to think that he was going to whisk me away to Canada to ‘save’ me from the ‘cannibal’. You know what, Edward? Fuck you. Fuck you to hell.

I only managed to get myself out of that one by pretending to go along with his plan, and saying that I had to get rid of my dad. He seemed to buy that. ‘Course, I just walked in and told dad everything that Edward did. This turned out to be a great decision on my part, because he immediately turned his gun on darling Eddie and sorted that out for me.

I love my dad.

Day Twenty Four

Edward was arrested, it turned out. Very much relieved, I can finally breathe easy with the knowledge that he won’t be jumping out to proclaim his undying love for me anymore. All his siblings/fuck buddies seem to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Whatever. So long as they leave me alone.

Mike asked me out. Totally a yes.