Chapter 2! :D

This one got ridiculously long; I don't want to say expect all chapters to be this long, but they'll probably stay reasonably long. I get carried away :D It's primarily dialogue anyway, so it's all good. Right? Right? Is this thing on?

Ce was in charge of the height stick at the ABMUK; he'd been working at the Abmuk for about a year now, and he absolutely hated it. He'd put in at least three transfer requests, but his supervisor always rejected them, apparently taking pride in crushing his hopes and dreams (of working at the Flume of Doom).

"Hey, you can't bring that on the ride, ma'am," Ce said, holding his arm out to block the woman's passage into the ride turnstile.

"What's wrong with it?" the lady snapped.

"It's a—giant handbag. It'll fly off," Ce said, pointing to the sign that clearly stated "DON'T BRING LOOSE ARTICLES ON THE RIDE". "Did you read the sign?"

"Nope," the lady replied. "Get the flying fuck out of my way, kid, I didn't pay 70 dollars to get lip from a little smartass."

"I'm not letting you through," Ce said stubbornly. "Lady, just put your bag in a locker, you're holding up my line!" It was only 9:30AM; the lines wouldn't be here for a good two hours, particularly on a weekday, but Ce liked threats.

"Go to hell, you snot-nosed punk! I'll worry about my bag and you worry about not getting punched in the face!" the lady shouted. She shoved past Ce, went through the turnstile, and went into the queue house.

Ce groaned, picking up the ride telephone and calling the control panel.

"Panel!" answered an enthusiastic voice.

"Oy. Who's up here?" Ce asked.

"Me! Zhao Yun!" Yun replied, "What's going on, Ce?"

"Yun! Some crazy lady wouldn't put her bag in a locker, and since I'm not allowed to punch her out, she pushed past me and got in the line. Stop her before she gets on the ride, I don't want to do a lost article search once that thing flies off the coaster!" Ce said, gesturing for the line to keep moving through the turnstile.

"What's she on the bouncy scale?" Yun squinted at the chart hanging on one of the walls of the control panel; the "bouncy scale" was a scale that described the weight of guests. If you were too big, you couldn't get on the roller coaster, and were called the politically correct term "bouncies". Bouncies at eight-ten ranks were too big to get on the ride, and were usually stopped at the height stick to avoid clogging the line inside the ride station.

"Uhhh… an even seven. GET HER!"

"Right. Thanks for the heads-up."

Ce hung up the phone and suddenly came to a terrible realization. He forgot to pack himself a lunch, dammit, and he wasn't about to buy any food from Adventure Archipelago, that'd be like—feeding the hand that fed, or something!

He turned his back on the guests and tried to hide his phone behind the height stick as he texted out an SOS. "NEED FOOOOOOOOOD."

"Ce, switch off," said Xiahou Dun, holding an ice pack to his eye. "I can't put my arm down, go to 2nd!"

"I hate 2nd," Ce complained, "buckling stupid people in all day—" A couple people passing into the ride glared at him.

"Well, I can't put down my fucking arm," Dun growled, "so suck it up!"

"What happened to your eye?" Ce asked curiously.

Dun sighed. "That idiot Gan Ning attacked us yesterday and I tripped and impaled my eye on a stick. I don't like to talk about it!"

Ce winced. "Ew!"

Tong tossed his t-shirt in his locker and left the break room, making a face at how damned sunny it was today. Dammit, but he hated Florida weather, stupid sun—

"Hey, there you are," grunted Ginchiyo Tachibana, Tong's supervisor at the wave pool, "Oi, Tong, we've got like six new lifeguards, train 'em, will ya?"

"Six!" Tong whined, "How the hell am I gonna make six rescues a day with six other lifeguards there with me?"

Ginchiyo rolled her eyes. "For days when you're not working, Tong. Really. Believe it or not, this park has to function even when you're not gracing us all with your presence. And you're our best lifeguard?"

"Yeah, yeah," Tong said, scratching his head, "what'd they need training for?"

"Everything!" Ginchiyo said impatiently, "I'm never going to become manager of the area with retarded employees!"

"Oi, don't you know you're not allowed to say retarded anymore?" Tong asked, "there's like some website banning it, now we have to say 'tards'…"

"Fine. I'll never become manager of the area with employees who are tards," Ginchiyo replied swiftly, "Now turn those girls into lifeguards, would you!"

"Yeah, yea—GIRLS?" Tong asked excited, "Are they cute?"

"Speaking as a woman interested in men I cannot answer that question," Ginchiyo said, rolling her eyes, "Now get to it!"

Tong nodded and sauntered off to go find the lifeguards. The lifeguard trainees in question were five blondes and one surly-looking dark haired girl.

"Lifeguards, lifeguards, lifeguards~" Tong spotted them and grinned. "Hey, all of you, over heeeeeeere~"

The five blondes and the brunette came over, the blondes giggling stupidly (gawking at Tong, most likely, being a shirtless, well-toned, ridiculously attractive guy usually had that effect) and the brunette scowling.

Tong folded his arms. "Alright, all of you. Lifeguarding and—uh, being a lifeguard—is some serious business. People can die if you don't do your job right. They will actually try to die so their family can sue Adventure Archipelago for all the money it's worth."

"Why wouldn't they sue us?" one girl asked, tilting her head, cascades of artificial blonde hair falling down her shoulder.

"Oh, y'know, we're college students, we're worth more dead than we are alive, depending on if you've got life insurance or if you're an organ donor," Tong replied.

"My hair's insured for thirty thousand dollars," said a different girl, "just like that girl from Mean Girls~"

"Regina?" asked the dark haired girl, "Regina George? The main antagonist of the movie? And you don't remember her name?"

"No," the girl answered, dumb. If Tong was the kind of young man to value what a girl carried between her ears, this might've been a turnoff; but lucky for this girl, he was a vapid shallow playboy and was too busy gawking at her chest.

"I'm sure all of you know the routine of CPR," Tong said, "standard procedures, you understand~ alright, all of you, on the ground~"

"WHAT," complained the dark haired girl, while the other five blondes nodded and all lied down (on the filthy pool deck, ew!).

"Alrighty, which one of you wants to be first," Tong asked, "I'll practice on you and then you'll all know how to do it~"

"That doesn't make sense!" the dark-haired girl pointed out, while all the blondes raised their hands.

"Starting with you," Tong said, grinning down at one blonde, "alright, all of you, basic procedure here. If the guy's not breathing, pump his chest a few times, like this—" he demonstrated (lightly enough so he didn't break the girl's sternum, but with enough pressure he could get a good feel on her rack). "If that doesn't wake 'em up, hold their nose, give 'em mouth-to-mouth."

"It didn't work," the blonde squealed. Tong leaned down and—

The narration sees no reason to continue at this point. He makes out with all the lifeguard girls except the dark haired one, moving on.

"Alright, trainee, your turn~" Tong turned towards the dark haired girl, leaned in to "CPR" her, and the girl promptly punched him in the stomach. "Ow!"

"Don't come anywhere near me," the girl snapped, "hands off!"

"Ow," Tong complained, sitting back, "Hey, what gives, this is required training!"

"Touch me again and you'll regret waking up this morning," the girl shot back.

"Believe me, I already do," Tong replied, "What's your name anyway? I might have to report you!"

"My name is Ina," Ina Honda replied, sitting up and shoving him away from her, "and all you—" She glared at the other girls—"are idiots for allowing this perverted moron to take advantage of you!"

"He can take advantage of me anytime," giggled one of the girls.

Ina did a facepalm.

Tong groaned. "Alright, fine, all of you have the basics of CPR—except /you/, Ina—"

Ina glared at him warningly.

"You can be the Heimlich maneuver specialist," Tong said, rolling his eyes. "Speaking of which, what's the rest of your names?"

"My name's Whitney!" said blonde #1.

"I'm Chelsie with an -ie!" said blonde #2.

"I'm Stacie!" said blonde #3.

"I'm Chelsea with an -ea!" said blonde #4.

"I'm Barbie!" said blonde #5.

Tong had already forgotten their names, but once again, standard procedure. "Congratulations, you're all lifeguards, now go do my job and if someone's drowning go get them!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAY," said the blondes, running off excitedly. Ina glared at Tong before sulking off in the other direction.

"Chair time~" Tong said, crossing over towards his lifeguard chair and picking up the book he'd left in there yesterday. Nothing better to do, after all…

"LIFEGUARD! LIFEGUARD!"

"HEY!" Tong shouted, already nice and comfy in his chair. "I already said NO RUNNING! Slow it down or you're outta here!"

"Bite me!" shouted the kid.

Tong's eyes narrowed. Not on my watch, he thought, getting out of his chair and storming over (thinking he looked like a badass). The kid stuck his tongue out at him and jumped in the water to prevent Tong's attack.

Fuming, Tong dove in the water, grabbed the kid, overpowered him easily, and hauled him out of the pool. "Anyone claim dependency of this brat!" he shouted.

"Get your hands off my kid!" yelled a woman, storming up to Tong furiously.

"Well tell your kid to stop causing trouble at my pool!" Tong snapped, shoving the kid back at the woman. "Dammit all—"

"Tong! Hi!" Shang Xiang yelled, waving. Tong turned around and grinned.

"Shang Xiang, hey!" he said, shaking the water out of his hair, "What's up?"

"I brought you something~ hey, is that Ina? What's she doing here?" Shang Xiang asked, grinning, watching Ina patrol the pool like some psychotic military dictator.

"Oh, probably thinking about using a mandolin(1) on my dick," Tong answered nonchalantly.

"Like the stringed instrument? Hi, Ina!" Shang Xiang called, waving at her friend.

"No! Don't—don't bring any attention to me, she already tried to kill me once!" Tong squawked, blocking her wave. "Anyway, what's up, Shang Xiang? Come to give me a hard time?"

"No!" Shang Xiang said, "Ce forgot his lunch again—dumbass!—and I thought you might want some too?"

Tong beamed at her. "You're the best ever, you know that?"

"Of course I know, but I never get tired of hearing it," Shang Xiang replied, her smile still huge.

"Actually… I know you've done enough, but can you drop that in my locker for me? I can't leave, one of these obnoxious helpless people might need me to get in the water, or something…" Tong made a face.

"Ya mean do your job?" Shang Xiang asked.

"HELP! I'M DROWNING!" someone shrieked.

"Yeah, yeah—WALK IT OFF! WALK IT OFF!" Tong shouted, waving at the drowner dismissively.

"Shouldn't you help them?" Shang Xiang asked, widexxxeyed.

"Shang Xiang, if they were really drowning, they wouldn't be able to say they were drowning," Tong said, shaking his head. He rummaged around in his swim shorts pockets. "Here you go," he said, dropping a key in her hand. "Locker #17, it's the only one that doesn't smell like feces~"

"Got it!" Shang Xiang smiled and ran off.

Tong grinned. Best friend ever~ Whitney came back over, looking confused. "Hey, Tong, I think I need more CPR training~"

"Yeah, yeah, give me a second," Tong said, "I have to get something…"

Shang Xiang came back about fifteen seconds later. "I totally forgot I have class right now!" she wailed, "Tong, I gotta go!"

"Awww, who's this?" Whitney asked, looking at Shang Xiang with a facial expression one would use when adoring a cute little toddler or a puppy.

"This is Shang Xiang, she's like my little sister," Tong replied, patting Shang Xiang's head.

"She's so cute!" Whitney giggled, "Awwww~"

Shang Xiang, practically steaming with rage, forced a smile on her face. "Can you excuse us?" she asked politely.

"Awww, she wants to talk to you privately! Okay!" Whitney, skipping off.

"What?" Tong asked, and Shang Xiang stomped on his foot. "OW! What was that for!"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a retarded moron in front of some girl you're trying to pick up!" Shang Xiang said furiously, "You jerk!"

"I'm not!" Tong whined, "I'm dumbing it down so she understands! She's dumb!"

"Sounded like you were treating me like a little kid so I wouldn't get in the way of you picking up BARBIE!" Shang Xiang snapped.

"That's not Barbie, that's Whitney," Tong explained guilelessly, "that one's Barbie—" He pointed to a blonde standing at the edge of the pool, who waved to Tong. Tong waved back and noticed the expression of disgust on Shang Xiang's face.

"What?" Tong asked innocently, "I'm not doing anything!"

"Yeah, except pissing me off," Shang Xiang huffed, "and I let them put mayo on your sandwich, jerk!" She stomped off.

"WHAT! No! Shang Xiang! Mayo's gonna ruin the whole sandwich, it's like a furnace in that locker room!" Tong wailed, missing the point so entirely even Ning would've laughed at his stupidity, "Dammit, Shang Xiang!"

Ina walked over. "Nice going, moron," she commented dryly.

Tong glared at her. "You reaaaaaally don't wanna get certified to work here, huh? Listen up, Ina, I'm the boss around here—at least when Ginchiyo's not around—and if you ever want to get out of trainee status and become one of us lifeguards—" he said the word 'lifeguard' similar to how a deeply religious would say 'God'—"you need to start being nice!"

Ina looked like she'd rather swallow Hemlock than be "nice", but she really needed this damn job. "Fine. Teach me about this 'being nice'!"

"Well, the motto around here is 'Subpar Service With a Smile'," Tong told her, "so, uh, as long as you're smiling you can pretty much get away with murder around here."

"Really?" Ina asked.

Tong nodded. "Who can seriously be mean to someone smiling at them?" He gave a winning smile. Ina was not impressed.

One of the blondes fell off the lifeguard chair, fell in the pool and immediately started squawking about how her hair was going to fall out (instead of marveling at how she survived a fall off a sevenxxxfootxxxchair into a fourxxxfoot pool of water and didn't break something).

"Sweet, finally some action~ HANG ON CHELSIE! OR WHITNEY! OR—WHOEVER!" Tong shouted, and took off towards the pool, diving in the water and surfacing with—was it Whitney? Or Chelsie? The narration prefers calling her "Blonde #?". Ina made a disgusted face. She might not've ever taken a CPR class but she had a feeling tongues were not required!

"MOMMY HELP!" shrieked some little boy. Tong surfaced from making out with Blonde #—oh, who even cares—for about a second to say, "I think he's drowning!" before going back in again.

Ina wasted no time at all; she took a step back and charged, diving into the pool and swimming out to the drowning child. She took hold of the boy and swam out to the edge of the pool with him, laying him on the ground, and shook him furiously.

"LIVE, DAMN YOU, LIVE!" she shouted.

The boy—in terror—did, in fact, live. He sat up and cheered. "I'm alive!" he cheered, "thank you, scary lady!" He threw his arms around Ina's waist and hugged her tightly.

Before Ina had the chance to explode from physical contact—not explode with fury, but actually, literally, combust into flames—everyone around her cheered.

"She's a hero!" people were cheering, "she saved that boy's life!"

"You saved me!" the boy was cheering.

Ginchiyo heard all the racket and came out of her office. "WHAT IS GOING ON OUT HERE!" she demanded.

Tong heard Ginchiyo and separated himself from the blonde with a suction cup sound. He jumped out of the pool and came over. "Uhhh… nothing?"

"I saved this boy's life!" Ina said, her eyes dancing with joy, "I love lifeguarding! I want to do this for the rest of my life!"

Tong made a face at her. "Brown noser!"

Yun got back to his apartment around 3:30, when he was forced to clock out, which always made him sad. He /loved/ working at Adventure Archipelago! It was the best job he'd ever had, so much fun, he got to serve the people for $7.50/hr!

Who needs college, Yun wondered, unbuttoning his top shirt and making a face at the laundry everywhere. Dammit, Chao!

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAO," Yun shouted, "I'm home, would you kindly pick all this dirty laundry up!"

Chao was in the living room, so surrounded by dirty clothes Yun hadn't seen him. He turned around. "Yes?"

Yun jumped. "You're like an animal, Chao, stop living in your own filth!"

"It's not filth!" Chao complained, "this CSI marathon's been on since yesterday! Once it's over I'll pick it all up!"

"It's on commercial!" Yun complained, "Come on, Chao, what if your sister saw this?"

Chao sighed and reached for a dirty shirt. "Can't reach. Sorry. I'll pick it up later, Yun, I'm getting inspiration left and right!"

"For?" Yun asked.

"For my campaign," Chao replied, his hazel eyes wide.

"I'm almost afraid to ask. What campaign?" Yun asked, clearing off a pile of dirty clothes from the chair before sitting down.

"Look around you, Yun. This is a college, right? An educational facility to inspire the youth of this nation to rise up and become hardworking and productive members of society?" Chao asked.

Yun tilted his head. "Not what I'd call it, but okay."

Chao nodded, his eyes blazing with that vengeful charismatic eagerness that'd someday help him take over the world. "Instead this school's been overrun with lazy professors and governmentxxxpaid slackers who don't care about us, and as a result, the population of this school is filled with a bunch of rich slackers! This place isn't about learning, it's about how much money their rich parents can donate to the school just so they don't get expelled!"

"Well, look what happens to the actual professors, Chao," said Yun, "I heard Dr. Lu's house got egged again! Only because he wouldn't give that moron Keiji two extra points, which is ridiculous, if he gets two extra points we should all get the extra points!"

"He didn't earn those points! Good for Dr. Lu!" Chao said haughtily, pumping his fist, "Yun, join me on my campaign to make the people in this school realize the sweet sting of sweat in your eyes after a hard day's work!" He looked around—a living room filled with snacks and dirty laundry wasn't quite the campaign platform necessary for a speech of this magnitude—and made a face. "You know what I mean, I'm a hard worker, I've just been taking the day off!"

"Right," Yun nodded, "so when is Yun Lu (2) coming over?"

Chao looked at him strangely. "I never said anything about—hey, that's a good idea, she can help!" He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed his sister's number.

"Hello?"

"Yun Lu, it's your brother, listen, I've got an idea for a—"

"Will Yun be there?" Ma Yun Lu asked suspiciously.

Chao looked at the phone blankly. "Of course he will, why do you ask?"

"I'm in!" Yun Lu said excitedly, getting strange looks from passerby and a glare from Dr. Oda as she interrupted his lecture with her girlish squealing, "I'm in class, though, but count me in!"

"That's my sister!" Chao said triumphantly, getting off the phone.

"Is she helping?" Yun asked.

"She is! Nothing will stand in my way of making everyone less—It's back, it's back, it's back, Yun go get me the bag of Doritos on the counter, will ya? Thanks~"

Yun sighed as Chao's eyes glazed over the TV. Chao dreamed of being a criminal prosecutor and singlehandedly sweeping all crime off the streets; he couldn't do anything right now (other than donning spandex and a cape and being "Super Chao", an idea it had taken the combined efforts of Yun and Yun Lu to talk him out of—and he was already /wearing/ the spandex and the cape when they talked him out of it.) so instead he focused his efforts on trying to stop evil and crime and laziness at its source; kicking college students in the pants figuratively and literally, if necessary.

Yun had been Chao's best friend for years; he was a loyal friend, and since he didn't have any particular life plan at the moment he enjoyed helping Chao's exploits. He liked a safe place to live too, and not to mention, Chao's sister—cute little Yun Lu, who he'd known since she was tiny—had gotten ridiculously hot over the years.

Which, of course, Chao knew nothing about~

Tong yawned, stretching his arms as he unlocked the door to his apartment. "NING," he shouted. He rolled his eyes seeing his roommate fast asleep on the couch. He hadn't moved all day, apparently.

He checked his phone. He'd sent Shang Xiang at least ten text messages and about five voice mails (texting while driving was dangerous) and she hadn't replied to any of them yet. He made a face as he unlocked the door to his room (it wasn't that he thought Ning would steal his stuff, it was he thought Ning would break his stuff) and tossed his phone on the bed.

Shit, he had some essay to write, and he had that damned organic chemistry test later he already knew he was going to fail. He picked his phone up and punched in "Z" for "Zhao Yun", figuring the guy who sat next to him in class would know what the assignment was.

"Yun? Hello?"

"Oh, hey, Tong."

"Bad time?" Tong asked, flopping back on his bed.

"No, Chao just left to go yell at that crazy girl in the tree some more," said Yun, "I was going to take a nap. What's up?"

"That girl's still in the tree?" Tong asked, grinning, "I thought they'd just bulldoze the thing already!"

"Well, when the recession hit they ran out of money for the project so they're not going to do it," Yun said, laughing, "but she doesn't know that, she doesn't have wifi or get the news, so she hasn't heard!"

"They're just letting her stay up there?" Tong asked, leaving his room and heading to the kitchen to get some food.

"Yeah, high school seniors are touring the place left and right, orientation and all, she's an attraction!" Yun chuckled.

Tong laughed, grabbing a thing of Goldfish and a water bottle and heading back to his room. "Have they ever bulldozed a tree with some hippie in it?" he wondered.

"I don't know," Yun said, "but I'm sure Chao's dad would know, he was legendary back in the day for vanquishing hippies. I'll ask Chao when he gets back, even though he's all distracted with his new project…"

"New project?" Tong asked, "Like what?"

"Yeah, he's got some new crazy idea now," Yun said, reaching for his assignment book.

"You don't say," Tong commented. "Chao does throw a pretty fun rally~ tell him to get free hot dogs again!"

"Will do," Yun replied, "And Yun Lu's helping too, of course~"

"No kidding," Tong chuckled, "Man, Yun, why don't you just ask her out, you've liked her for years, haven't you?"

"Absolutely not, she's my best friend's younger sister!" Yun protested, "You have any idea what it's like to have a crush on your best friend's younger sister? Particularly when your best friend will kill you for it?"

"Why would he kill you?" Tong asked, "if I had a little sister I'd probably want her to date my best friend!" He thought for a second. If Shang Xiang was like his little sister, and Ce and Ning were his best friends—"this is all hypothetical, of course," he added hastily.

"Of course, you don't have a sister," Yun said, "well, maybe you're right, Tong—okay, the assignment is a five paged essay on why the chicken came before the egg, unless the egg came before the chicken." He made a face. "Why does Dr. Huang delight in torturing us?"

"Hey, I'd rather be tortured than her cougar prey," Tong replied, "what do you think she's doing under her desk all class?"

"Eww," Yun complained, "I didn't need to hear that, Tong, I'm hanging up the phone now!"

"Alright, see you tomorrow," Tong chuckled, and Yun hung up. He shook his head and sat down at his desk, opened his laptop, looked up through the window, and screamed bloody murder.

Ning kicked the door open, looking half-asleep and wide-eyed. "WHAT!" he shouted.

"There's a GIRL in that tree!" Tong squawked.

Sitting in the large tree was Zhang Xing Cai, the school's selfxxxproclaimed "activist"; in reality, she was only an activist for causes that pissed her off, much like Lindsay Bluth-Funke of Arrested Development fame, but more importantly, she was in the tree. Staring at Tong.

"This tree has stood here longer than our ancestors!" Xing Cai said haughtily, "it'll come down with me still in it!"

"I'm sure it will!" Tong said, angry, "Get outta here, would ya? Or at least park it in another branch!"

"I'll never get out of this tree!" Xing Cai shouted, "just try and stop me!"

"You'll be crying when the bulldozers start coming!" Tong retorted, "Now if you don't mind I HAVE AN ESSAY TO WRITE AND A TEST TO STUDY FOR THAT I'M GOING TO FAIL SO GET OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT!"

"Why don't you just close the blinds?" Ning asked, making a face.

"Why should I have to close MY blinds! I'm entitled to enjoying the nice day!" Tong said haughtily.

Ning shrugged and left the room, already bored.

Tong made a face and ignored the hippie girl long enough to type his name in the Word document; then she took out her megaphone.

"I'M STILL UP HERE!" Xing Cai shouted at the ground below, the loudness so sudden it scared Tong out of his seat.

Her words were met with boos from down below. Tong got back in his chair and banged his head on the keyboard.

"You said I wouldn't! But I am!" she continued.

"YOU DIRTY HIPPIE! PROGRESS IS COMING AND THEY ARE PLOWING THIS WHOLE THING OVER AND YOU ARE GONNA BE CHOPPED DOWN!" yelled the familiar voice of Chao, always up for a rally.

"NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!" Xing Cai shouted back, "The Florida University pine will never come down! You big business assholes!"

"This thing is gonna get chopped down and turned into HARDWOOD FLOORS!"

"CURSE YOU! DAMN YOU!"

(By now, Tong had given up all hope on writing his essay or studying, and was watching the argument with a sort of reluctant eagerness.)

"YOU CAN'T FIGHT PROGRESS, YOU DIRTY HIPPIE!"

"You should be bowing down to this tree! This tree has seen more history than anyone ever has!" Xing Cai shrieked furiously, "If an elderly man is in the way you wouldn't chop him down, would you!"

"No, you'd ship him to a retirement home," Tong said, joining in the fun. Xing Cai glared at him.

"YOU GOD DAMNED DIRTY HIPPIE! WHEN THE BULLDOZERS COME YOU'LL BE CRYING! You'll be crying and you'll be dying!" Chao bellowed.

"I won't! I won't! You'll be crying, you'll be crying!" Xing Cai yelled back.

"PARKING LOT! BEEF O' BRADY'S! JAMBA JUICE! SUBWAY!" Chao was yelling back, gesturing wildly at the empty pavilion.

"STOP IT, STOP IT!" Xing Cai shrieked.

Tong did the smart thing; he grabbed his laptop and carried it into the living room, while still hearing the screaming from down below. Stupid hippies!

Cao Pi scowled impatiently, drumming his fingers on the ride control panel. Agreeing to take this riff-raff job was the dumbest decision he'd ever made, quite possibly; but his father had always told him the best way to understand the enemy was to live in their environment.

He glanced down again and saw a series of thumbs-ups; he hit the buttons to send the coaster train out, and gave another groan.

I told myself I'd have this park under my thumb a year ago, he thought, making a face as he hit the buttons to send another train back into the station. And now here I am, supervisor of Utnom, the most popular coaster in the park… and I'm still stuck here. King of the Idiots.

Well, King of the Idiots was still a King… he checked his buzzing phone. Ah, a text from his girlfriend. He could always count on Ji to cheer him up~

He hadn't spent any time with her at all recently, in fact. Annoyed, he texted an invitation to dine like royalty under the stars (which was code for 'picnic at the park, I'm too cheap to afford anything else') to his girlfriend of about five years, and felt a smile cross his face at her immediate,

King of the Idiots is nothing without his queen, he supposed.

"OIII, PI!" bellowed Yukimura Sanada, assistant supervisor, "Send the coaster out!"

Pi shook all his visions of grandeur from his head temporarily to roll his eyes and hit the buttons to send the loaded coaster train out, and held the buttons down to allow the new coaster to come in.

"Visitors of Adventure Archipelago, this is your better speaking," Pi drawled into the PA microphone spiel system, "Laugh it up while you can, but one day, you shall all bow to me!"

He was getting more weird looks than usual. Yukimura burst through the doors to the control panel. "Pi, if you're going to go off on a world domination spiel, at least make sure the microphone's off!" he complained.

Pi sighed. Boy, that countdown to world domination got longer with every passing day, didn't it.

Tong sighed, unlocking his apartment and dropping his backpack with a groan. As usual, studying for the past week for a test didn't help him any. Friggen Dr. Takeda getting off on making up the hardest tests imaginable—arrrgh!

He kicked his flip flops off and made a beeline for the couch, intent on rotting his brain with television for the rest of the day. He tried calling Shang Xiang again and once again got her voice mail. "Hi! This is Shang Xiang! Sorry I can't pick up the phone; if you want me to call you back, leave me a message! If you don't want me to call you back, hang up now! If you're Tong, go fuck yourself! Bye~"

Tong made a face. Well, that answered /that/ question. "Shang, it's me, pick up the phone, will ya? I apologized for being a dick at least five times in my first message and I've done nothing but apologize since. C'mon, talk to me."

The annoying 'eight more seconds' reminder cut him off, and he rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry for being a dick, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, come over and—" Cut off. He made a face and shoved his phone back in his pocket. Well, he tried. If that didn't work he'd go yell to her at her window, or something.

He heard someone moving in the kitchen, and dismissed it to be Ning. No, Ning was in the bathroom, he heard the shower going—he got up and stomped into the kitchen, intent on beating the living hell out of whoever had the nerve to break into his—

He groaned. Well, he didn't know what he was expecting.

"CE! Get out of the kitchen!"

"What?" Ce asked innocently, "Yu hasn't gone shopping, we don't have any food!"

"Then go eat someone else's!" Tong said furiously, "or help pay for ours!"

"Here," Ce said, fishing five dollars out of his pocket and throwing it at Tong, "now help me make some sandwiches, would ya?"

"Why?" Tong asked, "I'm not helping the 'Feed a Starving Ce' foundation more than I already do!"

"I thought of a cheap date!" Ce said excitedly, "I'm taking my baby out for a picnic~!"

"You're such a sap," Tong chuckled, "she still throwing those chastity belts at you?"

Ce shrugged. "I'll wait as long as she wants me to," he said, "I mean, I already know we're gonna get married sooner or later, so there's no rush for me, I guess~"

"Yikes," Tong said, "Who are you and what have you done with Ce!"

"It's called being in love, jerk, try it sometimes," Ce said, making a face at him, "There's a lot more to life than hooking up with lots of girls~"

"I've got my whole life to be committed to someone," Tong said, rolling his eyes. "Besides, I'm too busy studying for a serious girlfriend anyway, unlike you, Mr. Shower My Girlfriend with Love and Attention~"

"I can't wait until you're all sappy over a girl and I get to remind you of this conversation," Ce said, packing about ten sandwiches into a picnic basket he'd stolen from someone, "Da makes me happy, I don't want any other girl in the whole world."

"You haven't seen the whole world!" Tong pointed out.

"So what, am I supposed to date every girl in the universe before I know for sure which one's supposed to be my girlfriend?" Ce asked, "how's that working out for you? My way seems to be working just fine."

"Up yours," Tong said, and groaned when Ce went to look through the fridge. "Ce! Why doesn't /Da/ ever bring the food!"

"She does!" Ce said, making a face, "I'm just surprising her!" He closed the top of the picnic basket and grinned. "I've got just enough time to take a shower and get changed~"

"Hey, wait, why don't you just borrow all my clothes while you're at it," Tong suggested, sarcasm evident in his voice.

Ce shook his head, his shaggy brown hair going everywhere. "That's okay," he said, tousling his hair, "you're a skinny dude, your clothes won't fit me~ but thanks for the offer!" He gave his friend a winning smile and took off.

Tong folded his arms disapprovingly. Freakin' Ce!

"Ceeeeeeee," Da Qiao said excitedly, throwing herself into her boyfriend's arms as the doorbell rang, "oh, it's so good to see you!"

"Hey, babe," Ce said cheerfully, kissing his girlfriend's cheek, "guess where I'm taking you~"

"WHERE!" Da asked excitedly, her eyes lighting up.

"I figured we'd do things the fun way," he said, grinning, "I got my truck back, let's have a picnic in the back! It's a nice night, right?"

Sure, Ce was taking the cheap way out, Da wasn't dumb enough not to figure that one out, but the gesture was so sweet it almost made her want to squeal. Ce was the best boyfriend /ever/~

"Give me a moment to change?" she asked, "I wore these all day!"

Ce grinned. "You look great to me… but sure, I'll be right here~"

"Okay! Come inside!" Da told him, and scurried off towards her bedroom.

Ce nodded, stepping inside and settling on the couch. He hadn't yet realized the pretty ficus next to the couch in the corner had a pair of wide, blue-gray eyes staring at him… until he looked over and screamed bloody murder.

"HI CE!" shrieked Xiao Qiao, submerging from the plant and coming over to sit next to him, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Hey, Xiao," Ce said, grinning at her. Xiao'd had a crush on him since he'd started dating Da; he'd tried to set her up on a date with his best friend Zhou Yu (who so rarely came out of his room during the semester he hasn't appeared in person in the story yet).

Needless to say, that hadn't gone well; Yu had come home, his normally perfectly quaffed long, silky black hair looking frizzed out and his eyes nearly bulging out of his head. Ce hadn't asked for an explanation; he figured the fact that Yu didn't impale him with a large stick was enough of a blessing.

Anyway, she was here, and hyperactive as usual, and Ce was very much hoping his girlfriend would come back already!

"Is Shang Xiang around?" Ce asked.

"Yeah, she's all shut up in her room, something about being mad, or something," Xiao said, making a face.

"She's mad? About what?" Ce asked.

"Couldn't tell ya! She didn't say and I didn't ask, she had that death look on her face," Xiao said, wincing.

Ce laughed. "I know that look all too well… so how've ya been, Xiao?"

"Good," Xiao said, smiling hugely at Ce.

Things got very quiet. Ce cleared his throat. "So, uh, how's the whole FUCK thing working out for you?"

Xiao opened her mouth to answer, but the narration has decided to briefly pause the story to explain. "FUCK" was a clever code for "Florida University Cheering Kamikazes". Coach Dong Zhuo had taken great extensive measures to ensure that name stayed; many a meeting with the school board finally wore them down, and Coach Dong was able to keep all copyrights to the name.

"All things considered I'm a pretty good FUCK," Xiao said, nodding, her eyes dancing with excitement. "Coach says if I keep up the good work, I'll be the best FUCK he's ever had!" She giggled.

Ce nodded guilelessly. "Sounds cool! First game of the season is in two weeks, I can't wait to see you guys in action, it's awesome knowing someone on the team!"

"Same here!" Xiao said, nodding excitedly.

A smiling Da came back, her hair done up in two messy pigtail buns, dressed in a big red sweater that nearly swallowed her whole and a blue skirt. Ce beamed; she was so damned beautiful and adorable and amazing~

"Do I look okay?" she worried.

"Better than okay!" Ce told her, getting up and kissing her, "now c'mon, if we hurry we can watch the sunset you love so much~ see ya later, Xiao!"

"Bye," Xiao grumbled, over her sister's squealing.

(1) By "mandolin" Tong isn't referring to the stringed instrument of the lute family; he's referring to the culinary mandolin, which is an adjustable tool for slicing vegetables. Basically Ina wants to chop his dick up into little bitty slices (like what you do to a banana when you want it in your cereal).

(2) Ma Yun Lu (or Ma Yun Lu) was Ma Chao's little sister. I forget the specifics; in something, she was married to Zhao Yun. That's as detailed an explanation as I'm going to give off the top of my head. XD

I've seen the girls' names spelled Huang Yueying, Zhang Xingcai, Ma Yunlu, Sun Shangxiang… is there any correct spelling? I use "Huang Yue Ying", "Zhang Xing Cai", "Ma Yun Lu" and "Sun Shang Xiang" since that's how they look in the game (with exception of Ma Yun Lu who does not exist).

…and once again Tong takes over the entire story? XD DAMMIT LING TONG WHY DO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ARRRGH.