|The Draco Diaries
Author: Loonynamelass PM
The as of yet most completed journal of this character! Entering his entries, we find someone confused by doctrines instilled by parents, disappointment, fear, romance, and most of all, the real world. T for a few slightly suggestive moments.Rated: Fiction T - English - Draco M. - Chapters: 67 - Words: 140,202 - Reviews: 245 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 07-27-11 - Published: 07-05-09 - id: 5191527
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: I was going to include this revelation that I've been building up on... well, all year. And I didn't. Fits better next time. So that's your disclaimer. Teehee. Also, profanity. But it's censored with st*rs.
Thank you to the following reviewers:
mjmusiclover: Whoa, now, the 2-year anni (feeling Aussie today) hadn't arrived yet when you said that! But thank you, because for two years, whenever my inbox was dry of review and I despaired that anyone would read my fanfiction, you came through.
emcee31: xD Interesting idea, that elves have standards. "Stay away from those Malfoys, or you'll end up like Dobby! Proud of his clothes-bearing state... Oh, completely deranged..." I thought that they didn't have elves because otherwise, well, why did they order Draco to remove the bodies, or why did Narcissa have to answer the door with her own dainty hands? Though, I do confess, I didn't devote much thought to it.
Speaking of the two year anniversary, however, I had meant to finish this by that time. It is now a few days past and I am sorry for that. It just slipped my mind, terrible inconsistent person I am. I do want to get this finished this summer so I can begin on other projects, so with no further ado, I will begin the third to last chapter of this journey...
(in the time that I was supposed to have finished this chapter, more reviews popped up! Hurrah! Except they probably won't see this for a very long time as their only at the start, the squirts!)
Martina Malfoy Lestrange: Diaries, yes. Poor Draco will always have his delusions. ;) I'm glad I made him pompous enough! And I hope that "Bye!" was only temporary.
symphonatika: Taking a break from your smut, hm? You steal my pseudo-flame? O.O Well, I assure you that it doesn't sound at all like you anyway, so there. :P I hope your high thoughts of my style don't diminish as this fic progresses; the first chapter is actually heavily edited by a friend of mine, while the rest is my un-betaed self. Good to know he's sympathize-able enough to make you giggle! I should google who/what "Kemosabe" is. I steal your hat, because hats that can be tipped are surely worth stealing.
April 7, 1998
Today I noted to Teri lightly: "Damien's gone."
She hadn't been paying me any attention; in fact, she was so absorbed in her textbook that it left me with a pang for Milly- though Milly would never be that divested in something as droll as The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5. I had merely walked up to the chair she was lounging in, leaned over her shoulder, and made my statement.
She jumped a bit and hissed "What?" Then she saw it was me and her tension slipped away, and without a satisfactory answer she returned to her studying. The green firelight flickered on the cream-colored page, fickle and distracting.
I changed tacks; Teri had always supported my being out of the loop, and she especially had no reason to object to that as I was now readily consorting with the Slytherin Slytherins, so to speak. "How can you read like that?"
"What do you mean?"
She hadn't taken her eyes off the page. I had been trained as the Malfoy heir to read the most mundane textbooks in the dark, but she was no heir- there was still Daphne and any possible younger brother that would immediately take precedence- and still, the light disturbed me and I had this strange desire for it to disturb her at least as much. "The angle you're holding the book at- the light hardly shines on in and it just flashes over the page randomly."
"That's just what I need to make it interesting."
I leaned over her shoulder closer, her ear brushing my cheekbone. "Am I enough of a distraction to make it interesting?"
She swallowed, surprising me, as she had not, thus far in our correspondence, shown any weakness. "Too much, actually."
"Then I'll go," I said easily, shaking off the awkwardness that I had created and abruptly straightening myself. "Have fun with your homework, dork." She scoffed, and I walked to the dormitories where Teddy, Blaise, Greg, and Vince were waiting for me, where I knew exactly where I stood.
Raised a pureblooded Malfoy, I'm definitely not homosexual, so it's much simpler there,
April 9, 1998
Teri sat on her sofa, once again frowning in concentration at the textbook.
I shoved her delicate fingers off the arm to sit myself, and saw that she was on the same page as before. I declined to comment on that, and instead asked, "Are you lonely?"
"What do you mean?" Teri said carefully. It was a statement, not a question.
"Well, everyone you used to hang out with has scarpered, leaving you out to dry," I explained, not sure exactly why it felt good to goad her a bit. She's always so composed and closed around me that sometimes I wish I could just get under her skin, even for a moment.
"Well, yeah, Pat, Dame, Melanie, Katie..." I didn't mention Milly, but thinking of Milly brought another name to mind, one that I'd near forgotten. My voice changed as my discovery tumbled out of my lips. "Tracey."
"Took you a while."
She sounded amused. "What do you know about all of this?" I said, exasperated, a half-hearted attempt to discover something by means other than subterfuge.
"Hell if I'll tell you."
"What does 'hell' mean to you?" I said, remembering her critique of my use of godforsaken. It was a muggle word; they were muggle words, I recognized that now. And now, even though I knew how to use them and the depths of evil they knew, they were still words that had no place in the Slytherin Common Room, at the best seat before the fire.
"A lot, actually."
"Is it lonely, like you are?" She closed her eyes for a moment, took a breath, and turned back to her reading. "What, am I getting too personal?"
"Sure. Yes. Fine." The words were stilted, her eyes determinedly on the page.
"Why should a little concrete detail like that matter, when we've already paced circles around our values and philosophies on life? Isn't that more intimate than mere emotion to the great and intellectual Asteria of the Noble House of Greengrass?"
"Your sarcasm is not appreciated."
"Sometimes I think my presence has the same value as my sarcasm."
"Sometimes I think your presence is more pleasant than your sarcasm."
"Funny, because I feel like I'm all the time subjected to your sour wit."
She giggled, a sound which she made often but a sound which never failed to both disarm and astonish me. "You know, Draco, the more I talk to you, the more I notice how odd you sound."
"It's like your combining all of these random characters' dialogues and picking and choosing your style within the same sentence. You don't even know who you are, do you?"
Even Teri in her lightest moments could pierce me so deeply; rather than reacting, I sought to disconcert her in return; revenge, or just to distract her from the blood she had drawn, whichever. "Well, does anyone?" I leaned closer to her. "Do you?" I breathed, and I felt her tense, just as she had on Sunday when I last wrote in you.
Too quickly for me to realize what was happening, she had leaned forward and captured my lips in hers. This was someone who knew how to kiss with someone who could say the same; so different from Pansy and I, trying to figure it out for ourselves for the first time together. There was no arm movement or shifting of positions; after only a few moments, she drew away. From the perspective of the back of the chair, which the Common Room had seen, there was no difference between our embrace (if it can even be called that with such little motion) and me simply leaning over to read a bit from her book, or to divulge a secret in her ear. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the intense look in her eyes had faded. She licked her lips slowly, and I had a sudden urge to bridge the gap between us again.
"What was that?" I asked slowly, trying not to sound particularly pleased nor displeased; I didn't want her to hold any power over me, but I certainly didn't want to dissuade her from, er, trying it again if she so desired.
"I- I don't..." She blinked her eyes bewilderingly. "I don't even like you."
"...Okay, I believe you," I lied, suddenly overcome with an urge to run away.
"Seriously. I mean it."
Careful to speak quietly, I rumbled, "So you're saying that what just happened was just a product of my inexplicable, er, sex appeal?" She gave a weak smile, and I took this as a sign to leave.
I suppose the answer to my first question was yes, then,
-April 13, 1998-
April 11, 1998
I must be spending too much time around Professor Vector; her fear of Friday the Thirteenths has botched my mental calendar. But I suppose I must keep attending the woman's classes; the Arithmancy N. E. W. T. is rumored to be one of the harder ones, right up there with Transfiguration.
It's been two days since Teri and I kissed (more like pecked), and so little has happened that I almost believe I imagined it all. By it all, I don't mean only the kiss; I mean the slow warming up to each other, the conversations that made me wonder but changed nothing for her, her adamant opinion of me ("I don't even like you." The way she said like- with such disgust. It was no childish, taunting Pansyish word ("Do you like her, or do you like, like her?"), synonymous of fancy, but rather a precursor to civil conduct with one another.)
I've lost myself in the parentheses, but I think I had finished my thought.
Anyway, I haven't seen her beyond her figure, far off, eating alone. Lonely, I had asked... Still, she always eats like she had some place to be, confident and quick. As though she were making the choice to sit down haphazardly, because her real friends were... I don't know, in a closet somewhere on a seventh floor corridor or something, where she was heading right after she finished with the pesky mortal business of victuals.
It's hard not to think about her, now, more physically than before, where before she had only been a long haired enigma. It's not as though she's anything special to me; it's just that, well, a girl kisses you and life can't go on unchanged. You end up thinking about it. Well, not you. I think about it. I can't help thinking about it in that way after she brings it up herself, in that way.
Well, today I at least got to make up my frustration on some detention victims. After yet another break, even less of the rebels seem to be showing their faces. Part of me felt like there were soon going to be no one left; just the Slytherins and a few unremarkable Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws. The first torture back from home went surprisingly well. I think watching Bella at her prime was helpful, perhaps?
Or maybe it was just useful that my target was female...
April 13, 1998
It's just occurred to me that the Carrows have been extraordinarily smug since Easter Break. I'm certain they can't know too much of the escape- after all, everyone other than me is under house arrest, and Lord Voldemort's description of the disaster would not lend any cause for smugness.
My curiosity has been piqued to the point that I decided to go to someone who I knew wouldn't deny me answers...
And honestly, my best answer for why I would approach him, after everything last year, is that I was bored. Teri's conversation had matched Milly's in a way, and now I'd gone back to a pre-Milly state, back to... was that first year? Second? I don't know; but I'm seventeen now, and I feel that my old allies and I have grown apart enough that without those intelligent distractions, I am plunged into ennui.
I simply met him after supper, when he was heading down to his little dungeony quarters in the same general direction as my dungeony quarters... Well, in retrospect, it's pretty interesting that he would still deign to go in that direction despite having the Headmaster's Office and privileges at his beck and call. For a moment I felt a twinge of unreasoning jealousy; but it's not like the Dark Lord could have possibly named someone who hasn't even graduated, let alone held any teaching position whatsoever, lead the school... And then again, it's not like the Dark Lord is staying in his home and claiming that dingy little hut as his headquarters.
I tapped him on the shoulder, and he spun around. "Do you practice that little swish?" I wanted to ask snidely, but forced myself to be civil. Already he is wary of me, certain that I am an immature, spoiled swot. It would not behoove me to validate this theory. Instead I politely greeted him and inquired of any Death Eater news.
"Of what kind?" said he, nonplussed. "And if the Dark Lord has not, if I may be so bold, trusted you with information that I, in comparison, have been privy to, how can I be expected to divulge such hypothetical information?"
The rude, upset voice wondered if Teri had to suppress a smile at his formal speech. And she called me awkward. Outwardly I expressed the notion that I can be easily forgotten, at school and unable to disappear during school hours due to the extent of the studiousness (I wasn't sure if this was a word, but it fit at the time) that his leadership has inspired in me (I added that part when a black eyebrow raised sardonically, probably considering examples of my somewhat undisciplined behavior in his classes before this year).
"Ah, Draco," he said, and I saw him smirk at my antics. Not really smirk, of course; just his way of expressing amusement. We hadn't been so close since I took the Dark Mark and saw him as a peer rather than elder. But now I was requesting information from him, rather than the other way around, and he enjoyed the return of bearings. "If the Dark Lord would merely express His woe at your absence at these meetings, you know that I would file the necessary papers to ensure you a pass."
I frowned but was not to be deterred. "Well, your remarks about the Dark Lord's intentions for me aside, I am certain that my position in the Dark Lord's ranks would at least guarantee me as much knowledge as the Carrows."
"So you are curious about their newfound swagger, then? And, speaking of things aside, if not for the circumstances of my wand and our location, your words would have implicated you as a Death Eater. This is not a death sentence in this age, but surely you maintain the attention capacity to hear the Dark Lord specifically say that his intention is to not reveal anything outright, so as to keep any opposing forces as scattered as possible. Before you go inquiring about what you have not been informed of, I recommend sharpening your recollection of those facts most relevant to your usefulness in His service. But because I find it harmless, I have no qualms in informing you that the Dark Lord has obtained a very powerful weapon that he has sought for a very long time, and the Carrows enjoy feeling more assured in their chosen avenue."
"A weapon? Like what Father was trying to get before he..." Before he went to Azkaban and everything changed and he came back and I hated him and I loved him and he gave me a Patronus?
"Not quite. This weapon is more literally a weapon than on that occasion. Now, if you excuse me, I have some duties to attend to." And, rather classily blasting apart a disgustingly snogging couple without averting his eyes from the path forward, he strode away.
The snogging only reminded me of my predicament with Teri, though,
April 14, 1998
Weird's what I'll call it.
Weird to lose someone you only just started to get. A kiss, and then the whole thing is taken back, not just back to before the kiss but back before everything. Back to behind the beginning. She knows me, and she doesn't like what she sees.
That was established by her words, but I finally figured something out. And that's that a Malfoy doesn't wait on anybody. At least, not on a woman. So I will confront her. Tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day, and I'm writing this in the light of my own wand. To sneak into her room in the middle of the night would indicate a step far further than I am anywhere near comfortable with, so that Gone With the Wind encouragement will have to suffice.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, it's only a day away!
April 15, 1998
Pretty apt that I ended the last entry with a classic Millicentism.
Well, tomorrow happened. And I made good on my word. Except I didn't so much as confront her as... kiss her. A lot. Until she kissed back. That's all we did, and by the end of it she had disillusioned us both. Probably she didn't want it getting around that she would kiss people she didn't even appreciate as people.
After we were done, I asked her, "So, do you still dislike me? Has anything changed?"
"Well... Nothing's changed," she said, but even my question confused her.
Maybe... maybe this would be the way I would finally learn something about what was happening from her. Beyond Patrick, she was the most closed off of anyone in that rowdy group; and yet, now she was the only chance I would get. "If this is what you do with people you don't like, I'm perfectly happy in this position." She smiled for real this time, and turned to walk away, but I called her back with a touch of my finger on her rumbled collar. "Are we going to start talking again, then?"
She frowned as she thought about it, and I wondered if my face looked to her like page 295 of The Standard Book of Spells Grade 5. The firelight would be my lips, but the words, the boring, dusty words, would be something less corporeal. "...If you want to talk to me, then talk to me."
So she was physically attracted to me. And why wouldn't she be?
And maybe I could use that to finally figure out what was going on.
Maybe if I found something important enough, I could report it to the Dark Lord.
And then maybe I could bring the Noble House of Malfoy the respect we deserve.
Because I know that she's certainly not on our side. Otherwise she wouldn't want to not like me so much, hm?
Plotting, plodding along,
April 18, 1998
Teri's begun to pack her things.
If I had more friends in her year, perhaps I would be more cognizant of her movements, but I abruptly encountered Daphne today and she tearfully told me this.
Daphne, it can be said,
F*ck, fell off my bed and completely lost my train of thought. Oh, telling you about my encounter with Daphne. Well enough. It wasn't too eventful, except for the fact that the entire time I wanted to further shake her sobbing form and demand an explanation to her sister's behavior. And also that I was observing the similarities between their eyes and nose and lips that I had so enjoyed...
"Are you leaving as well?" I asked after a stunned silence.
Touched by my "concern," she said to me, barely audible over the crackling of the Slytherin fire, "No. That's why it's so worrying... Where would she be going that I couldn't go with her?"
That seemed to preclude my next question, so I quickly formulated another: "Well, what did she seem like when she told you?"
The distraught girl was starting to become wary of me, as she was not oft to confide in me. "She didn't tell me," she said quite haughtily.
I decided her to end the conversation: "Why are you telling me this, then?"
"Because you're the person she spends the most time with," she explained, surprised at me somehow. "I thought it might have come up or something."
As she left to her dormitory to do whatever it is that girls do after crying, wipe her eyes or something, I went to you to record this exchange while it was still fresh in my ears. Perhaps it would have come up, if we had spent more time talking. Teri seemed almost bored with me now, doing this to distract her.
Maybe it's time to ask her point blank what the f*ck is going on,
April 20, 1998
The next time I saw Teri, she wasted no time in leading me to a more secluded place where we could confer and kiss at regular intervals.
Finally, after a particularly heated exchange, I asked, "Why?" She knew what I meant, and I wasn't about to waste the breath I was rather short of at the moment on unnecessary elaboration.
"Because you are such a coward that you have no problem with me being one."
"Why is everyone so preoccupied with bravery? We're not Gryffindors, after all!" Milly had once said something so similar; that they all felt like confiding their "cowardice" to me is the most ludicrous part.
"Everyone? Who else?" Finally, she had asked me a question; and by that, I mean a question she actually wanted to know the answer to. I smiled. The ball was in my court, and I certainly would do nothing more than smile to sate her curiosity.
"Seeking confirmation in your peers, are we?"
"Whatever. Shut up."
And I did,
April 22, 1998
Do I need mention that I'm rather disappointed with Teri's answer? I mean, honestly, is that the only reason girls seek me out?
That's how I feel about it, though I guess on further inspection it's not quite true. Pansy sought me out because of our societal positions and genders and generally because it worked pretty conveniently. It was expected, it wasn't too unpleasant, badda bing-badda boom (WOW that sounds much better in my head than on paper). And with Milly we were never really close in that particular manner, though my memories and thoughts of her tend to blur that line.
The same reason I occasionally hate myself is the reason they find to like me. Stupid house confused bints.
I mean, pardon me if I was hoping it was some sort of favorable attribute of myself. I don't think I'm so spare on them that she can't choose maybe one or two to be her champion!
Of course, it is terribly Teri-like that she would choose to describe her attraction in the most derogatory manner she can come up with, just for me.
Maybe I ought to be flattered by the attention!
April 23, 1998
I can't let this go. Especially as Teri's packing her bags and will soon effortlessly disappear from my life, just as they all have. Though, to be fair, I disappeared first, didn't I?
"I am sick and tired of being left or grown out of," I asserted.
"What brought this on?"
"Look, Teri, enough with all the games. I know that you're packing up and heading to... to wherever it is that everyone else has gone. So what the hell are you doing with me right now?"
"What does hell mean to you?" she asked flatly, bitterly, rhetorically. "...I'm giving you your second chance with Milly. That's why you're here, isn't it? Because I remind you of Milly! The Milly that hasn't left yet. So you can have your fun with me the way you used to with her, and you can have your fun with me the way you didn't do with her. And now you're going to try and make me stay, because that's the one thing you regret the most about her leaving."
"Stop telling me what I'm doing here and tell me what you are."
"What I'm doing? Or what I am?"
"Whatever you want to tell me, dearest."
"It's funny, right now you are so lonely that I really am your dearest, aren't I?"
"You noxious... I'm not the one who's lonely. You're the one who kissed me in the first place!"
"I'm not lonely," she said fiercely, and I had this sudden sense that I would finally be introduced to the secret which had been looming over their heads for as long as I could remember. But she sensed it too and backtracked. "You're the one who came crawling back afterward!"
"Crawling?" I took a deep breath to calm myself down. Any worse and I might hit her, and that was only proper after marriage, or so Father had told me when I was seven. "F*ck it; we're both lonely."
She too breathed, closing her eyes and nodding to my conclusion.
"So why do you have to leave?"
"Because I don't want to be lonely anymore."
And then, because neither of us could think of anything else to say, we resumed our snogs as the house-elves busied themselves more with their supper preparations to leave us our privacy.
Everything in this relationship is wrong, and the way it's going to end is wrong, too.
But the one thing we don't know how to f*ck up is a good snog,
A/N: Teehee; why is angst so fun to write?
Because Draco is a silly, angsty boy-toy. Who is dropping f-bombs a lot. Sorry, readers. Hormones are frustrating.
So, how'd you like that chapter? A lot happened, methinks.
So shower me with a reviews and May might hold some flowers for you.