-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~- Chapter 1: Caught in the Middle-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I’m staring intently into the computer screen before. I’m slacking, I know, But isn’t that what I’m best at? Besides, I can hardly think with her gaze on me. I wish she would stop. I don’t need to look up to know that Pam was giving me that look again. Longing, anger, guilt, confusion…basically, every negative emotion put together. I didn’t exactly know what would happen when I came to Scranton, but this is pretty much the worst case scenario. Pam is always looking so sad that I just want to run up and kiss her all over. But I can’t. I can’t love her anymore.

I hear the gentle footsteps of Karen as she approaches my desk. I feel happiness, a nice break from the typical uncomfortableness and doubt. I like to think it’s because of how much I love Karen. Or maybe because Pam’s gaze is broken.

“Hey, I was thinking we could go out somewhere to eat,” Karen asked, secretly demanding. Pam tries not to let Karen notice the tension, always attempting to act normal in her presence. Pam also must think Karen is an idiot.

“Sure, name your place.” I try to act light hearted, but it’s hard with Pam and Karen in the same air space. Karen doesn’t know much about Pam and I, thank God. Don’t get me wrong, I want this thing to work. I really do, and I know honesty is important for that. But, I also know Karen. She sees the glares that Pam gives me, and she already hates Pam. When she questioned me, I explained that Pam and I used to be good friends, and drifted away when I moved. Now she must be mad that we are not as close as we used to be. Karen bought this half-truth easily enough.

“I’m thinking Mexican food. Sound good?” Of course. If my beloved lover wants Mexican food, then she shall have Mexican food. Because I love her. I really, really do. I don’t love Pam, I love Karen. Really. Still, I haven’t been about to say those three little words. I remember when the problem had first arisen.

I walked Karen to her apartment. The one she got just so she can be near me. No pressure. Nope, none at all… She had just moved there a couple weeks ago. So, I decided to take her on a little tour of Scranton. Show her the best places, restaurants, movies theaters, and parks. It turned out to be a rather romantic date.

I stared at her and smiled, waiting for her enter her apartment. She bit her lower lip, smearing her lip-gloss. Odd, she hardly ever shows nervousness. I briefly wonder if I would be invited in, but I shushed that part of my brain quickly.

“Hey, I just wanted to tell you something really quick,” she said, gaining confidence. I became hopeful she did something wrong, so I wouldn’t feel so bad keeping her in the dark about Pam. She let out a breath, “I love you” She said it so hopefully. This never turns out good…I opened my mouth to say, “I love you too,” but when I couldn’t force the words out of my mouth, I willed myself to say anything. Anything at all to stop this relationship-killing moment. Her hope quickly faded as the silence drew on. “It’s alright, I know it’s soon, and I know you don’t feel it, yet. But, I just needed you to know.” I understood completely, and a wave of guilt passed through me. I knew what it was like to be on the other end of this situation.

“I want this to work Karen,” I said it softly, and from the heart. “I really want to say that too, but I can’t. Not right now at least.” I was glad I left it at that. I honestly didn’t trust myself to say anything else. And it seemed to appease her. She smiled a sad, yet hopeful, smile and pecked me on the lips. With a simple “Goodnight,” she was gone. And I had a lot of thinking to do.

“Sounds like lunch,” I reply, snapping out of the memory. “Just let me get ready.” And with a nod she was off. I’m staring as she glides back to her desk, and I feel the smallest twinge in my heart. Of what? Love, I tell myself. Because I love Karen. As hard as I try I couldn’t feel happy about this feeling. I couldn’t shake the oncoming guilt. Like I’ve cheated on Pam. I shoot a pained glance to Pam. She was staring at her computer screen. A game of solitaire, I know from years of experience. Still, I notice the flicker of her eyes. She was staring at us. What was I doing? How did I get into this situation? Depression and anger hit me as I, once again, realized the tricky situation I was in. I swallowed it down though, burying it in the pit of my stomach.

I grab my jacket, and slip it on. Karen returns to my side, and slides her arm around one of mine. I put an only half-forced smile on my face and away we go. I feel Pam’s eyes burn into the back of my head, and my stomach knots. Once we were safely walking into the empty parking lot, Karen lets it out. “What IS Pam’s problem?” Karen half yelled.

Hmmm… Could be how I kissed her, while she was engaged, declared my love for her, and moved away, successfully destroying her engagement and our friendship. Our very close friendship… That is what I should say. “I don’t know. She’s weird.” And the hole I have dug is getting deeper. But in the end, what do I need more? A loving relationship with a potential future Halpert, Karen Filippelli, or this dysfunctional and oh-so painful friendship with Pamela Beesly? This is basically how I sleep at night.

“I think she likes you. As more than a friend.” She says this with a huff and an intense stare, stopping dead in her tracks. Oh God, I do not want to have this conversation. I scramble, not sure how respond to that. I need to choose my words very carefully… I need to turn this into something good and somehow defuse this bomb that is just waiting to blow.

An idea strikes me, and I run with it. I can tell she’s getting impatient with the long pause. “Pam, well, she just got out of a bad relationship. Her ex-fiancé wasn’t supportive, and well, it was just a bad relationship. Don’t let her get to you, okay?” It was clumsily and poorly spoken, but still, I hope to God that this will work. Her lips go tight in a frown. I can tell that my speech hit something, but she wasn’t going to let it show. We continue walking, and she buries her face into my arm, wanting comfort. I remove my arm from her grasp and wrap it tightly around her. I feel bad hurting her like this. This thought scares me. Why does it scare me so? Karen is my future, so I need to feel these things for Karen.

Still, I can’t help but feel scared. I quickly become overwhelmed with these feelings of guilt, despite my fears. Just as we reach my car, I turn her around, her back to my car and facing me. In a rare moment of a possible public display of affection, I lean down and kiss her passionately. She goes rigid at first, confused at this spontaneous burst of affection, but quickly returns it. So rarely do I put so much energy into our relationship.

It ends as quickly as it started, and it leaves both of us confused; yet pleased. I think that maybe, just maybe, I’m moving on. This thought still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I smile and open the door for her. Then, I saunter around the car and enter my side. As I pull out of the parking lot, we both have goofy grins spread wide across out face. Of course Karen can’t just leave it at that. “I still think she needs to stay away from you.” I grab her hand and bring it to my lips.

“I will never cheat on you,” I say with as much confidence as I could muster. Honestly, I’ve been avoiding Pam for that sole reason. So as to not fall into the deadly trap of love. Yet at the thought of her name, I can still feel my heart flutter. I wince slightly at my statement and how little water it holds. I hope she doesn’t notice. I watch her carefully out of the corner of my eye, and decide that she didn’t.

“That’s not all of it. I mean, what if you fall for her? You two used to be pretty good friends, right? I don’t want to lose you,” she looked out the window as she said this. That’s it. I give up. I tried to fix things, show Karen that Pam is not so bad and convince her that we will be okay. Doesn’t work. So, back to plan A, be a coward.

“Well, if you hadn’t noticed, she hasn’t been my best friend lately,” I say it with a smile, but I feel as though I just betrayed Pam. Which I did. I referred back to the dysfunctional friendship thing.

We pull into a Mexican restaurant and then enter. Nothing too fancy, but not too cheap. The conversation begins to lighten, as she talks about one of her clients. I enjoy listening to her. She talks about something stupid someone did, I make a joke about it, and we both laugh. Because this is what love is. Because I love Karen Filippelli. I love her. Yes I do. I say this to myself over and over, willing it to be true. Willing the pain away. Deep down, I know it’s a lie. But hey, at least I’m trying to move on. I’ve made my choice, and I’m sticking to it.

Yes, that is it. I’ve made my choice. A sense of determination washes over me as we leave the restaurant. To be honest, no, I don’t love Karen. And yeah, I do love Pam. But I need to stop this. Lusting after a girl I can’t have. Karen isn’t Pam, but she is so much more than just “Not Pam.” If it is possible to love again, I know I will find it in Karen. We get into my car, and I drive away. Drive away from my feelings, wants, and love, and yet drive back to the source of all of them. Because I will love Karen. Not Pam.