Spiderman in Five Minutes

(Or less, depending on your reading capabilities)

Narrative Peter: If somebody told you that this parody was an educated form of humor, then that somebody lied. If some guy told you that being a superhero is all fun and games, that guy is a moron. And if someone informed you that I like macaroni and cheese, that person was misinformed (I’m more of a ravioli fan.)

(School bus)

Narrative Peter: See that redhead girl over there? Yeah, the one sitting next to her thug-like boyfriend. That’s MJ, the girl of my dreams. I love her more than anything in the world, but I’m a nerd, so we really can’t be together. No, she really said that to me.

FLASHBACK!!!

Peter: (Wearing gawky nerd attire, and sounds just like Urkel)

Peter: I love you, MJ…

MJ: (Is clearly Michael Jackson wearing a red wig. Wait…too soon?) What’s that high-pitched, annoying screeching? No matter, it was probably just another nerd/geek vying for my undying love. (Hugs on thug-like boyfriend.)

Thug-Like Boyfriend: (Grunt)

(School field trip)

Peter: (Nerdy voice) Spiders are just so nifty!

Harry: (Walks over to MJ.) Spiders? Ew. They give me the heebie jeebies.

MJ: Really? I love ‘em.

Harry: Oh…me too.

MJ: Um, you just said they give you the heebie jeebies…

Harry: Um…no I didn’t…

MJ: Yes, you just did! Seriously, who do you think you are, Hillary Clinton?

Peter: MJ, can I get a picture of you for the school newspaper?

MJ: Like, totally! Just a minute, I need to spruce. (Starts stuffing huge wads of toilet paper down her bra.) Ok, there! (Madonna pose.)

Peter: (Snaps shot) Great Gadzooks! This is just like that one time I snuck into your house and watched you playing with yourself in the shower, only this time you’re wearing clothes!

MJ: Uh…what?

Peter’s Pet Rat, Lumpy: Peter, you do realize that you’re not speaking in narrative form now, right? (C’mon, every nerd has to have a pet rat. They just go together, y’know? Sort of like milk and doughnuts)

Peter: Holy crackers, you’re right! (Fishes around in his pocket, until he produces a cheap, plastic knock-off of The Lord of the Ring’s One Ring) Behold, the might of the One Ring! (Puts it on his finger) Now that I’m invisible, no one will see me conveniently disappear into the men’s room to daydream about MJ in the shower! (Prances off)

Lumpy: (Facepalm)

(Suddenly, right as Peter prances into the center of the room, a spider jumps down onto his hand all Matrix-like, and then bites him)

Peter: OMG! This burns worse than that time I accidentally stumbled upon that naked picture of Rosie O’Donnell while innocently searching the interwebz!

(Peter’s bedroom)

Peter: (Does a weird hand gesture) Wow! White gooey stuff just shot out of my wrist!

Lumpy: Really? I didn’t know it could come out of your wrists…

Peter: Now I need to have a cool superhero name! After hours of deliberating, I’ve come up with….

GOOEY WRIST MAN!!!

Lumpy: Um, Peter, I think MJ would like “Spiderman” better…

Peter: Yeah, not to mention sewing the name “Gooey Wrist Man” onto my costume would take forever. Now all I have to do is buy a hot ride to pick MJ up in. I know, I’ll just enter this low-class wrestling contest in order to afford this hot Mercedes!

Lumpy: Uh, Peter? That “hot Mercedes” costs $70,000.

Peter: Oh. Right. Well, I guess I’ll just have to settle for that $300 trashcan on wheels, then.

(Wrestling ring)

Fred the Unpinnable: (Looking at into the audience) Well, I just see a bunch of cockroaches out there, so I’m guessing I must be in New York City!!!

Audience Members: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Cockroach #1: (Latino accent) Yo, man! What, you wanna go?!

Fred the Unpinnable: Don’t make me get all insecticide on your ass!

Cockroach #2: Yo, man, we can take you!

Fred the Unpinnable: You and your squishy little army?!

Cockroach #3: Cheeka, you don’t know my life! (Snaps fingers in a Z formation)

Cockroach #4: Yo, guys, just let it go…

Cockroach #3: Yo, some people, huh? Thinkin’ they know everything ‘bout everybody! It’s ‘cause I’m black, yo!

Fred the Unpinnable: Is there anybody here worth fighting? Or am I gonna have to stomp some Asian cockroaches like last time?

Random Asian Cockroach Wearing a Kimono: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto! (Wields katana)

Peter: (Wearing Hello Kitty pajamas with a V For Vendetta mask) Um…me?

Fred the Unpinnable: Ha! You look like you just got out of your little sister’s tea party!

Peter: Hey! My costume’s at the drycleaners! I had to wear something!

Fred the Unpinnable: (Launches himself at Peter) AAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Manly scream)

Peter: (Backs away) AAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Girly scream)

(Suddenly, Peter starts slapping Fred the Unpinnable with his gooey white stuff)

Peter: I slap’a you!

Fred the Unpinnable: Too…much…slapping…(Passes out)

(Peter goes to collect his money, but the man gives Peter Monopoly money instead)

Peter: Where’s my money, bitch?!

Man: You pinned Fred the Unpinnable in less than three minutes, so you get Monopoly money. Be thankful you weren’t the last guy.

(Outside, Brock Sampson is killing random people in the hallway because he got Candyland cash, which doesn’t even exist in the first place. Please tell me at least some of you understood that reference?)

(In the hallway)

Peter: (Walks past all the dead bodies to get to the elevator. Suddenly, the man from before is robbed by a (Dramatic music in the background) robber. Peter just lets the man escape)

Man: Why’d you do that?! You could’ve got him!

Peter: Who, me? Oh, sorry. I thought you guys were filming a movie, what, with all the cameras and everything…

Lumpy: (I guess he rides around in Peter’s hoodie) Peter, those are security cameras…

(While walking home, Peter sees his Uncle Ben dying on the sidewalk)

Peter: Uncle Ben!

Uncle Ben: Peter, with great responsibility, comes great…(Dies)

Peter: Uncle Ben?! Comes great what? Comes great hot chicks? Please let it be great hot chicks…Uncle Ben!!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Peter locates the robber. Apparently Lumpy has the uncanny ability to sniff out evildoers and magically inform Peter that he's the one who murdered his Uncle Ben. Pretty damn sharp for a rat, eh?)

Peter: Look! What’s that? (Points behind the robber)

Robber: What? (Looks)

Peter: (Pushes the robber out of the window) That’s for taking all of the REAL money!!!

(Oscorp Lab)

Harry’s Dad: (Sorry, I forgot his name. You know what, I’m just gonna call him Susan from now on. Hey, it can be a guy’s name too, y’know? Ever read V For Vendetta?) Mr. Stanley (I just have a knack for giving characters really shitty names, don’t I?), I want you to operate this here fancy machine while I’m strapped to a metal slab in this sealed, soundproof chamber.

Mr. Stanley: Sure thing, Susan!

Susan: I told you, my name is Norman now!

Mr. Stanley: Whatever you say…Susan.

Susan: (Rolls eyes while strapping himself onto the slab) Ok, Mr. Stanley, all you have to do is push the big, red button, ok?

(But little did Susan know that Mr. Stanley was colorblind…)

Mr. Stanley: Okie-dokie! (Goes to push the big, green button)

Susan: No! Not the big, green button! No, the red one!

(But alas, Susan’s efforts to be heard are in vain, as the chamber is both sealed and soundproof)

Mr. Stanley: (Pushes the big, green button)

Susan: (Goes all schizo-ish and kills Mr. Stanley) TAKE THAT, YOU COLORBLIND BASTARD!!!

(Newspaper headquarters)

Peter: Can I have a job here?

J. Jonah Jameson: (Whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch, rant, rant, rant) SURE.

(At a big parade thing)

MJ: OMG! Harry, look up there in the sky! There’s a great, big green thing!

Harry: (Takes on a condescending tone of voice) MJ, sweetie, that’s the sun, and it’s yellow, not green.

Green Goblin: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Throws a strange bomb at the balcony where MJ and Harry are standing on, and all the executives near them get vaporized, but surprisingly, nothing happens to MJ or Harry. However, the balcony does snap in half, causing MJ to fall)

MJ: OMG! Like, if only some mysterious masked stranger could come to my rescue!

Peter: Masked stranger? Rescue? Only? Could? If? Me? Like?!

Lumpy: (Spiderman’s mask has been changed into a hoodie so Lumpy can ride in it) Peter! Just save her already!

Peter: Oh, right! (Uses his gooey white stuff to swing over to MJ and save her, and then takes her to some random couple’s house)

MJ: You saved me, Spiderman!

Peter: Well, it’s sort of my job to save hot redheads like you.

Couple Member #1: Um, who are you guys?

Couple Member #2: And what are you doing at out house?

Peter: (Turns to the couple) Dude. We’re talking here. (Turns back to MJ and gives her a big, non-Peter-like smile) Some people.

MJ: Tell me about it.

(Peter meets MJ by a nearby diner)

Peter: Hi, MJ!

MJ: Oh God, like, he found me…(Tries to walk away, but Peter catches up to her)

Peter: Nifty! I didn’t know you worked there!

MJ: (Dramatic sigh showing that there’s a good reason she can’t break into the acting field) I, like, really wanna be an actress though.

Peter: Don’t worry; I’m sure you could always sleep with the director!

MJ: (Rolls her eyes and walks off)

Peter: (Facepalm)

Lumpy: Smooth, Antonio Banderas.

(Suddenly, Peter sees a group of random thugs walking towards MJ)

MJ: (Whimper) Are-are you, like, totally gonna have your way with me?

Thug #1: Well, we were just gonna steal your purse…

Thug #2: But that’s a much better idea!

(The thugs close in on MJ)

MJ: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Spiderman: (Slaps the thugs with his gooey white stuff) I slap’a you!

MJ: You saved me again, hot stuff…

Spiderman: Hot stuff?!

Lumpy: She’s obviously referring to me.

(MJ suddenly starts making out with Spiderman, and no one in the audience seems to realize that his hoodie’s been changed to a mask for this one scene. You don’t wanna know what part of Spiderman’s costume Lumpy’s riding in now…)

Spiderman: Well, as much as I wanna see how far you’re gonna go, Lumpy’s nibbling on my no-no parts, so, um, yeah, I got to go. By the way…I like your shirt. (Leaves)

(MJ looks down at her shirt, only to realize that she isn’t wearing a bra, and it was raining. It’s not like she’s ugly or anything, but it couldn’t hurt to listen to the weatherman every once in a while)

(At J. Jonah Jameson’s office)

J. Jonah Jameson: (Whine, whine, bitch, bitch, rant, rant) SOMEBODY GET ME SOME COFEE!

(Suddenly, the Green Goblin breaks through the window)

Green Goblin: Who takes the pictures of Spiderman?!

J. Jonah Jameson: NO CLUE, BUT HE’S PRETTY DAMN NERDY.

Spiderman: HE IS NOT NERDY!!!

J. Jonah Jameson/Green Goblin: Um…ok?

Spiderman: (Nervous laughter) Anyway…leave him alone, Goblin!

J. Jonah Jameson: YOU TWO ARE IN CAHOOTS, AREN'T YOU?! (Don’t you just the word cahoots? Rhymes with boots :D)

Green Goblin: Shut up! Let Mom and Dad talk, ok?

Spiderman: Wait, which one of us is the mom?

Green Goblin: Does it really matter?

Spiderman: It’s important to me, ok?!

Green Goblin: Fine, then, you can be the mom.

Spiderman: Great. Now I have to go and get breast implants.

Green Goblin: (Sprays gas in Spiderman’s face) Sleep…

Spiderman: But…I have to…have my teddy bear…to…sleep…(Passes out)

(Suddenly, Spiderman wakes up on a skyscraper)

Green Goblin: Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!

Spiderman: (Whimper) Are-are you gonna have your way with me?

Green Goblin: OF COURSE NOT! (Pause) Unless you want me to?

Spiderman: You need to get a girl, dude.

Green Goblin: (Sigh) I know. Anyway…JOIN ME, SPIDERMAN!!!

Spiderman: Join you for what? (Excited) A tea party?

Green Goblin: (Sigh) Lumpy, can you explain it to him?

Lumpy: Sure thing. Spiderman, the Green Goblin wants you to join him on his quest to rule New York City.

Spiderman: Why New York City? I mean, a bunch of freaks live here…

FLASHBACK!!!

(Peter’s walking along the sidewalk, when a black man wearing rainbow clothing holding a bible suddenly pops up out of nowhere and starts screaming “I AM GOD IN TECHNICOLOR!!!” (Seriously, this really happened to my mum when she went on a field trip to NYC =D)

PRESENT TIME!!!

Green Goblin: Just answer the question!

Spiderman: Nope.

Green Goblin: Why not?

Spiderman: Because I want to rule New York City. And just think about it. How pissed would MJ be if she saw me ruling New York City with you?

Green Goblin: Fine! I’m leaving! (Starts to fly away on his hover board)

Lumpy: Wait! Why didn’t you just lift up Spiderman’s hood to see who he was when he was asleep?

Green Goblin: (Facepalm) Crap. I’ll get you, Peter-

Spiderman/Lumpy: LE GASP!

Green Goblin: Griffin!

(Skip to Family Guy)

Brian: What’s the matter, Peter?

Peter: I have the strangest feeling that a man in a green suit just said my name…(Shifty eyes)

(Peter’s phone rings)

Peter: Hello?

MJ: Peter! Your Aunt May, she’s, like, in the hospital!

Peter: Oh no! Wait. How did you know before I did?

MJ: (Nervous laughter) Well, I certainly wasn’t spying on your Aunt May, who was in the shower at the time…

Peter: 0__o

MJ: Hey, I have my quirks, you know.

(Hospital)

Peter: Aunt May, are you ok?

Aunt May: About time you got here, you disgusting lard! (She obviously has yet to realize that she’s nearly four hundred pounds overweight, while Peter’s a scrawny little twit)

Peter: So how do you like the Jell-O?

Aunt May: (Chucks the Jell-O at Peter’s face) It tastes like shit, you fat little lard! (Contradicting, I know)

Peter: For the last time, Aunt May, I’m actually considered underweight for my age!

Aunt May: Well, then, stop being anorexic for once and eat something!

Peter: DX

(Suddenly, Peter’s phone rings)

Peter: Hello?

Green Goblin: I’ve got MJ.

Peter: (Holds up a Michael Jackson CD) Yeah, so do I.

Green Goblin: No, Mary Jane, you idiot!

Peter: GASP! NO WAY!

Green Goblin: And if you ever want to see her alive again, you’d better come to the docks. (Hangs up)

Peter: This looks like a job for…

GOOEY WRIST MAN!!!

Background Music:

NANANANANANANANANANANAN-

GOOEY WRIST MAN!

(At the docks)

Green Goblin: Spiderman, you must choose between saving your beloved MJ, or this cart full of Polygamists.

Spiderman: Are you serious?

Green Goblin: Yep.

Spiderman: Oh. Well, ok, then. (Saves MJ)

Polygamist #1: Aren’t you going to save us?!

Spiderman: That depends…are you going to stick to one wife?

Polygamist #2: We will do no such thing! That would completely go against all of our standards!

Spiderman: Then I’m not going to save you.

(The cart starts falling into the sea)

Polygamist #3: BURN IN HELL, SPIDERMAN!!!

Warning: No Polygamist wives nor their multitudes of children were harmed in the making of this scene. Remember, all the children are getting new families due to the government taking them away from each of their fathers and their seventeen mothers.

MJ: Spiderman, like, look out!

(The Green Goblin grabs Spiderman, hits him with a honey-glazed ham, and then drags him off through the sky. Funny how that stupid ham has been showing up in some of my latest parodies...)

(Old, abandoned warehouse. Close up scene of Spiderman getting his insect ass handed to him, Matrix style)

Green Goblin: You should have just joined me, Spiderman! (Rips Spiderman’s mask off) LE GASP! Peter?!

Peter: You know me?! (Rips the Green Goblin’s mask off, only find himself face-to-face with a beautiful woman) Who are you? You look oddly like Harry’s dad, you know…

Susan: That’s because I am, Peter.

Peter: WTF?! But you have boobs! Why did you do this?!

Susan: C’mon, Peter! With a name like Susan, it was bound to happen sometime.

Peter: True…what do you say we call it a day and go home?

Susan: Peter, I can’t go home to Harry like this! I mean, can you just imagine how bad I’d feel if Harry got aroused by my huge breasteses (Funny word =D) and my lean, press on body? Now, be a good boy and tell Harry I’ve gone to live at the Playboy Mansion, ok? Oh, and Peter? (Starts making out with Peter)

Peter: HOLY HELL!!!

Susan: What? You don’t like it?

Peter: Dude! You’re a dude!

Susan: You make it sound like it’s a bad thing…(Tries to make out with Peter some more)

Peter: EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!! (Thrusts his arms out in defense, and accidentally pushes Susan off the side of the building)

Susan: CRUNCH! (Dies)

Peter: Oh God…still, she wouldn’t be totally useless at the Playboy Mansion…

(Harry’s house, Susan’s bedroom)

(Apparently Spiderman has a very large closet in which he stores numerous Spiderman costumes, because he’s wearing a brand-new costume. He lays Susan on the bed, and Harry walks in)

Harry: Spiderman?

Spiderman: IGNORE ME!!! (Jumps out of the window)

Harry: Wait, who’s that hot chick on my dad’s bed-HOLY SHIT!!!

(Susan’s funeral)

Priest: He was a good man…with boobs.

Crowd: Amen.

Harry: I’m gonna kill him, Peter.

Peter: Who?

Harry: Spiderman.

Peter: Um…why?

Harry: It’s obvious, isn’t it? Spiderman kidnapped my father, forced him to get a sex change, and then put him on my dad’s bed, hoping that his new, sexy, lean, press on body would arouse me, and then I would accidentally commit necrophilia with my own father, therefore scarring me for the rest of my perfect, youthful life!

Peter/Lumpy: 0__o

MJ: I love you, Peter. I was listening to Thriller, and the music caused me to have extreme emotional growth, and now I realize that the man I secretly desired all along wasn’t a middle aged man dressed up like an arachnid, but rather my nerdy next-door neighbor, you. Kiss me, Peter!

Peter: It’ll never work out between us.

MJ: But Peter, I love you!

Peter: I’m sorry, MJ, but you’re no longer aloud to attend my weekly Dungeons & Dragons game night.

MJ: LE GASP! But I’m a level-42 night elf!

Peter: And I’m a level-64 mountain troll. Therefore, I totally pwn you. Goodbye, MJ. (Walks away)

MJ: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Narrative Peter: Some people think I have it made, but you know now that’s not true. There’s so much more beneath this gooey-wristed countenance. Superheroes have to deal with abusive aunts, transvestite villains, and random naked people walking in on them. I told you, my life’s not easy. Well, until next time, home-skillet biscuits!

Lumpy: Peter, you’re not black.

Peter: :(

Audience Member #1: Well that was pretty entertaining.

Audience Member #2: Yeah, but I’m still pretty confused.

Audience Member #1: How come?

Audience Member #2: Spiderman mentioned random naked people walking in on him. When did that ever happen in the movie?

(Suddenly, bright, flashing lights blaze on the movie screen, and people can see the entire cast dancing to Thriller, completely naked)

Audience Members: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MY EYES!!! MY CORNEAS ARE BURNING!!!

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

New parody.

It was a bout time I uploaded this thing. It was one of my first ever parodies, and personally, it's actually my favorite.

It reminds me of a simpler parody time period, when my parodies weren't so...mainstream.

I'm kind of hoping this will let me return to that style of humor.

R&R please!