Step Twenty-Two: Some Further Minor Quibbling

Alright, I admit it, now I’m just looking for an excuse to use the word ‘quibble’. Quibble. Isn’t it a lovely word? It’s up there with ‘yokel’, ‘syllogism’, and ‘exsanguinate’.

1. “Their” Oak Tree

How many times have you seen an A/H story where “their” oak tree is mentioned? Perhaps they are sitting under it, enjoying a sunset or something? Perhaps they have agreed to meet there? Perhaps they share their first kiss or first time under it?

Maybe you’re the one who wrote it?

Well, if you have, shame on you, because “their” oak tree is a trend that is seriously starting to piss me off. Oh, to hell with starting to, it’s been pissing me off since I first saw it.

Do I really have to spell it out, guys? I do? Okay, here goes.

The place where your boyfriend once kidnapped you is not romantic in the same way CPR is not romantic (SIDE NOTE: Yes, CPR is not in the slightest romantic. If you have ever experienced it, or for that matter had any common sense, you would know that it could never, ever, ever be honestly mistaken for kissing, even if you did just almost die and need CPR and are confused and in love with the person giving said CPR). It just…isn’t. You think it is, but it’s not. Can we agree on this? Because I just don’t see how to elaborate on this any further. The oak tree where they first “met” is not romantic. I can see no conceivable way for it to be romantic in any way whatsoever. Okay? Okay.

And not only is it not romantic, it’s illogical, too. That oak tree is not particularly close to Fowl Manor. It’s a long drive and a longer walk away. It is neither convenient nor desirable to go there just to ‘hang out’. There is in fact absolutely nothing about it that has any appeal or sense to it besides fangirls’ silly romanticized notions.

So quit it, before I storm over there and throw the logic in your face in the form of a steadily burning review.

2. Overlabeling

This is just something that annoys the crap out of me, not to mention makes summary hunting a real pain. In larger archives, I’ve taken to ignoring the summary entirely, barring a cursory glance at its general coherency, and just going on genre and character list. Overlabeling can mean anything from spending the whole summary ‘classifying’ the fic, despite the fact that there is absolutely no necessity for doing so, or misleading labeling. Like labeling something A/H when it isn’t. Like labeling something slash when it isn’t. Like labeling something Better Than It Sounds when it isn’t.

And why do be people do it? In the former, it’s because they’re stupid newbs, in which case they should be laughed at and ridiculed. In the latter, it’s because the author is a conniving little weasel who knows that it works in terms of getting more readers.

And by god, it does.

People like romance. (I don’t. I think it’s overrated, overdone, and overexposed and only indulge in it in very specific circumstances. I’m currently trying to figure out some way to view only fanfics that aren’t romance. But then, I don’t think I quite qualify as ‘people’, so back on topic.) People like romance and any hint of said romance will make them read.

Especially if we’re in anime/manga and the romance is yaoi. Always with the yaoi.

So of course the so-called authors of this website are going to take advantage of that.

People do it because they’re either stupid or review whores. That’s all there is to it. And I’m still not sure which one annoys me more.

3. Dancefics

You—you know what?

Fuck you.

That is all.

4. Making Trouble act like—

REWIND REWIND REWIND

3. Dancefics

Okay, not really.

But seriously, dancefic authors, I meant both words of that sentiment and I meant them vehemently. I’m sick of your shippy BS, I’m sick of your astonishing numbers, I’m sick of your disgusting fangirly natures and I’m sick of the fact that you exist at all. Dancefics are, quite frankly, one of the worst things in this archive. If I were obsessed enough to print one of them out and set it on fire, I would. And I’d do it in public while screaming obscenities at the sky. I’d sell tickets and make a little show out of it. I’d probably serve snacks. In fact, I might do it every day with a different theme. Thursday would be barbecue night. Badfic and steak on the grill. Fridays I’d have a little pagan ritual sacrifice to the goddess of Not Being a Fuckwit. Saturday I’d collect a bunch at once and have a bonfire night. Because yes, I am that crazy. If you see one, review it, and do so honestly (which pretty much guarantees that it’ll be a flame if you have any sense) because these compact little explosions of failure need to be hunted down and destroyed, lest they come alive and kill us all.

And they would, too. Mark my words, they would. Which is why we must kill them. Kill them with fire.

(You may feel free to ignore my warning about a collection of words on a computer screen coming alive and terrorizing the populace, but when you’re cowering under your kitchen table waving a broomstick around in a vain attempt to fight one off, don’t come crying to me.)

My totally viable dancefics=zombies theory aside…

I don’t even know what else to say about these things. A dancefic is, obviously, a dance. It always has A/H in it. It always takes place at Fowl Manor, which, as you’ll remember, is not actually a house, but rather a playground. It’s usually Angeline who does it all because she “wants Artemis to be more social”. Angeline is also apparently a ditzy society wife who has absolutely nothing better to do than to throw giant parties for the tiniest occasion and she obviously does not do anything silly like limiting the guest list to humans.

And Minerva is apparently in the habit of going halfway across Europe to crash society parties, having nasty, horrible blond hair (which is, of course, an unforgivable crime in fanfic land), clinging to Artemis’s arm and pretending to be his girlfriend, being French at people, and being generally out of character (to the complete non-issue of the reviewers). Because we all know that Not Holly + Sort-of-Love Interest = Deserving of homicide.

And Holly is apparently allowed to take party invitations to the surface. Totally. This is in no way contradictory to everything we know about the books. Yep. Not at all.

And of course Foaly will use this opportunity to play matchmaker. Because obviously he has nothing better to do than instigate teenage drama. Obviously.

And when Angeline meets Holly? Pshaw. The classic Meet the Parents scene will not be different from the norm at all, despite the fact that Holly is a fairy three times older than Angeline.

Yep. Nothing wrong with any of that at all. Not in the slightest.

FAST FORWARD

4. Making Trouble act like Root

It seems to me that some people in this fandom are under the impression that Root acts the way he does because he’s commander, not because it’s part of his personality, and that any person inheriting the title of commander will suddenly take on Root’s mannerisms and habits.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read Trouble going in a fanfic, “SHORT! GET IN HERE!”

And I’m sitting there, staring at the screen, thinking…WHY?

Why is it that fanfic authors have this compulsion to make Trouble a less dead version of Root? Why does Trouble not have a personality? Why is his fanfic personality an exact replica of Root’s? I’m pretty sure no fanfic has yet gone so far to mention Trouble’s face turning purple or him smoking a fungus cigar. But it’s only a matter of time.

But why do people do it?! Does anybody know? I don’t. I can guess. One of my guesses is that the author really liked Root but was unwilling to just canonbend him back from the dead. Another is that they do it almost subconsciously because they’re used to the commander being an angry chauvinist. Another is that they are quite simply untalented authors and are unable to give Trouble a personality of his own. But these, like I said, are only guesses, because sometimes fandom idiocy is simply too astonishing to comprehend.

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Only four quibbles this time to maintain some vestiges of consistency. Also, the others got too long and involved to really be quibbles.