Reminder: I don't own Harry, and I'm not pediphile! REALLY! oh......
The Search Continues....
Well, that certainly hadn't gone as he had planned. Harry had asked two different people where babies came from, and he still didn't have an answer! McGonnagal had told him to ask a gentleman, but since he didn't have any of those on hand, Ron would have to do.
"Ron, Ron, wake up!" Harry said as he shook his best friend.
"What? What do you want!" Ron said irritably.
"You've got to answer a question for me!" Harry was desperate from information at this point. He was sure everyone knew about baby-making besides him.
Ron rolled over and started to pay attention. "Okay, what do you want?"
"Well, I was kind of wondering, how are babies made?"
Ron didn't move. His expression didn't change; he didn't even breathe. Finally, after Harry thought he might have actually fallen asleep with his eyes open, Ron opened his mouth. Then he shut it again. After a brief distraction during which the socks in the boys dormitory staged a small protest, something about bleach, Ron made a move to answer his question. Unfortunately, all that came out was:
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The resident girl-magnent doesn't know how to.... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"
Harry couldn't see what was so funny, but seeing as Ron was turning various shades of blue and purple because of his laughter, he decided he wasn't going to get an answer and went to sleep instead.
The next night, after he had spent most of his day wondering about pictures, laughter, and the S.L.F (Sock Liberation Front), Harry knew who he could ask about babies.
"Hagrid!" he shouted, knocking on the giant's door, "I gotta talk to you!"
"Wha'? Wha' is it, `Arry?" (A/N: Unlike J.K., I'm not sure if I get Hagrid's accent wrong or right, so we'll leave it out from now on.)
"Can I come in?" Harry asked.
"Sure, sure," Hagrid ushered him in. Thrity seconds later, he'd ushered him back out again.
"It's nothing personal Harry, but I think you should be asking someone in your family about something like this."
"Ugh, Hagrid, my family, well, you know, they don't exist...."
"Oh no. I shouldn't have said that," Hagrid apologized.
Suddenly, Harry was hit with a revelation. (A/N: which was really good, because I'm making him sound really stupid and innocent) "No Hagrid, thank you! I know exactly what I'll do! Thank you so much!"
The Caveman With No Answers
And so, the next day while the rest of the school was at Hogsmeade, our young hero had set off to find who he was sure would answer his question: his godfather, Sirius Black.
Harry was very careful going up the steep incline to get to the cave where Sirius was biding his time. When he got there, he pulled off his invisibility cloak and called into the cave. Much to his surprise, a large, very dirty sock sprung onto his chest. Not so much to his surprise, it was chased down and captured by a large, very dirty dog. Harry followed the dog back into the cave and watched as he transformed into his godfather.
"Well well, this is an unexpected surprise," Sirius said, pulling on his sock. Harry knew that he was trying to repremand him, but he was doing a very poor job of it. He knew Sirius was happy to see him. "But you should tell me before you come. You could have been attacked."
"By a sock?"
"Well, I was kind of running out of places to go," Harry said.
Sirius looked up from his newly tamed sock. A look of concern flashed across his face. "Why, what's wrong?"
"Well," Harry began, "I was kind of wondering if you knew anything about babies."
"Oh...my...God..." Sirius leaned back against the wall. "I don't believe this..."
"Well, no one else would talk to me about it, and I figured since you're family..."
"But you're only fourteen...geez, I should have guessed something like this would happen..."
"What are you talking about, Sirius?" Harry hadn't seen anyone look so disappointed because of his question.
"Harry, I know you haven't had a good home life, but that's no excuse to do something like this. You've had enough hardship in your life, but that doesn't give you the excuse to get some girl pregnant! I don't BELIEVE this!!"
Harry scuttled away from Sirius. "What are you talking about!"
"A father at fourteen years old!"
"NO!" Now Harry understood. "I didn't get a girl pregnant! I just want to know how to do it!"
This didn't seem to cheer Sirius up much. "What do you mean, you want to know how?!?! You're only fourteen, you don't need to be doing stuff like that!"
Harry was on the verge of tears. Here was the only perental figure in his life, harshly repremanding him just because he didn't understand.
"Geez Sirius...*sniffle*...I just wanted to know where babies came from. Nobody's ever told me... I was just wondering...."
Sirius heaved a sigh. "Oh, that's all? Really, that's it?" Harry nodded. "Well then, that's not so bad! And to think that I thought... ha ha!"
"So you're not mad?" Harry asked timidly.
"What? No, of course I'm not mad, not about something like that!" Sirius said, looking quite relieved.
"Okay, so...." Harry ventured, "how does it happen? I know that storks deliver muggle babies, so do owls deliver wizard babies?"
"Oh yeah, um," Sirius mumbled. "Well, you see, it's kind of like, well, the thing with the stuff, it sorta, well, um, okay, when you get older, er, no, um, okay, I know, there's this chemical, no, er, I don't know...."
And so, a half hour later, after many "um"s and "er"s and "well..."s, Harry had learned nothing besides that he should "go ask Uncle Remus", and that Sirius was now talking to him as though Harry was four years old, evident by the changing of "Moony" into "Uncle Remus". And so, the next week, Harry sent and owl to Remus (something he should have done a long time ago) asking the infamous question. He was amazed instead of an owl, he got an invitation to come to Remus's house over winter break. (A/N: as you might have figured, a lot of things I put in here don't match very well with GoF, which is the period where this takes place. You'll just have to ignore that.) Although he felt a little apprehensive about this, he went anyway to spend the day there.
Werewolf With Wisdom
Harry was amazed when he saw Moony's house. He had expected him to be somewhat poor, because he always wore those ragged robes, but by the looks of this house, Harry had been very wrong.
Moony seated him down in the main living room. "Now, first things first," he said. "I was a little disturbed to see your question, you being fourteen and all. I mean, by the time your father was fourteen," he cut himself off. "Never mind, I don't want you to be emotionally scarred because of this."
And so, for the last time (thankfully, because this story's getting rather long) Harry asked, wide eyed and innocent, "Moony, where do babies come from?"
He had obviously had sometime to think about this. He cleared his throat and began, "Well, you see Harry, when a mommy and a daddy are very much in love...."
***half hour later***
"Ew," said Harry.
"I know," said Remus.
"I can't believe I asked McGonnagal about....that," said Harry.
"Ew!" said Remus.
"I know," said Harry.
The next week at school, after winter break was over, Harry felt very good about himself. He was telling Hermione and Ron all about his quest for the truth on the way to class one day. Of course, they were being followed by Snape. This is what he over heard.
"So, anyway," Harry said, "I finally realized how stupid I had been and went to Sirius. At first he didn't understand what I was trying to say, thought I'd gotten some girl pregnant, but then he understood and we talked, but he decided he wasn't the right person for it."
"So, who did you go to?" asked Ron, impatiently.
"Well, Sirius said that Remus was always good for that sort of thing, so I went to see him. And he sat me down and we talked, and I've got my mind cleared up now. I know exactly what's going on."
"Well, that's a relief," Hermione said, "I was wondering when you were going to stop badgering me and Ron about it. Ooh! I'm late for class! I better run!"
"Not in your condition!" Ron shouted, (referring of course to her asthma, but Snape doesn't know this) and he and Harry took off after her.
Professor Snape had a heart attack right on the spot, and was mourned by no one, except his now owner-less socks. The end.