|Last of the Brunen Fleas!
Author: Stanelle PM
Kai proves that his attraction to females goes Waaaaaay beyond species! *ONESHOT*Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody - Words: 1,971 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 07-10-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5207555
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
"Last Of The Brunnen Fleas!"
Any true Brunnen G knows that, in matters of love,..the chief goal of flirtation is not setting a scene to hop right into bed, but to stimulate desire in the object of one's desire.
Unfortunately,..for me,..the Last of the Brunnen G,..most females on the Little Blue Planet,..after one glance at me,..want to get right to the "bed" part in a relationship as I seem to incite in them a desire for sexual activity and nothing more!! As a Living man on Brunnnis 2,..my skills in the bedding of females were quite famous, and I was well known among the ladies till I met my True Love.
As a Divine Assassin,..my sexual responses are limited to kissing. I can kiss in a very passionate manner,..which seems to give great pleasure to most of the females of the Little Blue Planet after we have a short encounter. Before such Blue Planet females,..who have been so fortunate as to experience my well developed kissing skills,..can press me activities,..Xev and Stan usually show up to save the day for me and Xev has been known to savor the brains of a few "Blue Planet" beauties,..who will not take her hint that I am her "personal property!!"
Such was the case when I stopped by the house of my old friend,..Stanelle,..in the little Amish village of Avarre. I was in need of a supply of Mountain Dew,..a protoblood substitute,..introduced to me by the women of the Little Blue Planet. Stanelle had been most kind in supplying my need for protoblood substitute in the past and I had been most instructive in teaching her how to kiss properly!
Every visit I paid to Earth from the Lexx,..Stanelle seemed to have a way of finding out that I was on Earth. Then, my protoblood would run out and I would have to come to Avarre and get a fresh supply of protoblood substitute from her and KISSES! This was good for Stanelle as she enjoyed kissing me. Everyone was happy except Xev!
This happened so many times on our visits to Earth that Xev had her suspicions about Stanelle and I. I didn't tell Xev that her suspicions were correct.
Stanelle had a "Hexer" relative,..Granny Hepzibah,..who put a spell on my protoblood supply so that I would be forced to visit Stanelle. This was a nice arrangement for Stanelle and me. I got both protoblood from her and kisses!! This was good for Stanelle as she enjoyed kissing me! Everyone was happy except Xev!
One day while I was reclining in my cryopod, Xev confronted me about Stanelle. No amount of "The Dead do Not" statements would put her off. She swore to eat Stanelle's brain and destroy that little outlet for me.
What was a Dead man to do? I decided that in order to save Stanelle's brain and to give myself more practice with my exercises in kissing,..I would seek out another woman to kiss.
I had met another person in a little village, Mt. Hope,..located down the road from Avarre. I wished to tell Stanelle that it was over between us in the kissing department and that I would be getting my kisses and Mountain Dew from this other Blue Planet Woman.
One day, when Stan and Xev weren't looking, I jumped from the Lexx onto the Earth and made my way to Stanelle's house in avarre. By the time that I had arrived in Avarre and in Stanelle's arms, I was in dire need of protoblood substitute, especially the Mountain Dew protoblood substitute.
I made sure that I gave Stanelle as much pleasure as was possible for an Assassin to give a woman with just one kiss. My logic told me that her pleasure in my kiss would cause her to give me as much Mountain Dew as she had available. Xev and Stan showed up in the middle of my kissing seduction of Stanelle.
As kissing was the only sexual activity in which I can knowingly participate, I was just about to ask Stanelle,.."Was it good for you, too?"
Xev spoiled everything!! She burst into the room, shouted at Stanelle and myself, and turned into a cluster lizard!! This was bad!
..I stepped in front of Stanelle to protect her from Xev in her cluster lizard form. After all, no Stanelle,..no free Mountain Dew!! I'd have to steal money from a bank machine to buy the Dew and why do that when I could get all of it for only the price oF a few kisses??!!
..An old woman, Granny Hepzibah,..came into the house as though she had been summoned by magic..by Stanelle, and saw Xev, ready to devour Stanelle. this old woman was skilled in the "Majickal Arts." She turned Xev into a large plump flightless avian,..Stanly into a creature of the Genus Felix, and I became a small black rodent!!
As a cat, Stanly turned on me!! he bared his fangs and thrust out his claws. He caught me and batted me about with his paws! For a few seconds, I regreted not sharing the attentions of those three witch girls in the car with Stanly on Walpurgius Night! Then, I put my left paw on my right paw and found that I still had an Assassin type brace!!
..Stanelle took one look at me and screamed, "Eeeeek! Kai is a mouse!! And Stan is going to eat him!! Granny!! Do something!!"
"Never satisfied!" I heard the old Earth woman, named Granny Hepzibah,...as she threw mole dust into the air and muttered some words!!
..Suddenly, the world around me grew larger than I had ever experienced it as a Living man or a Dead Divine Assassin. I grew many appendages. i felt something growing out of my back! Blindly,..I checked my first right appendage,..I still had a brace!! I, also, had an insectoid sucking mouth,..and I was still dead!!
"Acck!" Stanelle moaned,.."Where's Kai? He's disappeared!!"
"He's still here!" Granny Hepzibah cackled as I jumped into Stan's black fur, "I just turned kai into a flea!!"
Following his catly instincts, Stan lifted up his hind leg and scratched his shoulder as he felt me climbing around and through his bristly black fur!! One of his claws caught my shoulder.
Following my flea instincts, I bit him as hard as I could as his cat claws raked off one of my wings. I had a hard time finding it and reattaching it!!
Then, I shot Stan in the rump with my tiny brace!! He yowled and dragged his butt across the floor of Stanelle's house!!
Meanwhile, back on the cat's rump, two female fleas had discovered the Dead, Delicious, Divine Assassin Flea! The two female fleas HAD noticed the sturdily handsome, black, studly, Brunnen G Assassin flea.
(The Dead do not brag...much!!)
Immediately,..the two females began to crackle and snap their knee joints. As I was both the Assassin and the male flea involved,..I understood the females to be communicating amongst themselves. Fleas are much more intelligent than I had been led to believe!!
"Zilla,..my friend!! Gaawd!! That black male is GORGEOUS!! I want to suck on his probiscus!! I wish to exchange salivary juices with him! I want to.."
"I know! I know!! Oooooh! Zumpy,..if we could just get our claws on him! That sexy black carapace! Those green and hazel multi-facets on his ocular orbs!! Those long black appendages! That insectoid walk!! What a sexy jump!! And those beautiful long black braided bristles,..coming out of his feet!! I've never met a male with leg bristles so long that he has a bun on his knee! It makes him look so..so..soo..so..SEXY!!"
Both females stood drooling over me. They stood drooling? I didn't know that female fleas could drool!!
(Some responses to Brunnen G Assassins go beyond species, I guess!)
As the two female fleas stood drooling over my ageless male beauty, I turned my head to one side and looked at them out of my multi-faceted green and hazel ocular orbs. This glance has caused many human females to hesitate and has given me a chance to make my escape from them with ease!! My trade mark glance only seemed to excite the female fleas more!!
"He has given us the signal for copulation!! Hurry! Let's grab him before the other females see him!" screeched the Zumpy female,..a very large grey female flea,..who madly clicked her knee knobs as I glared through the forelock of the bristles on my knee! (This is a hard thing to do when your Brunnen G bun is on the left knee of your third leg!!)
At the thought of mating with me,..the small grey flea,..Zilla,..fell over with a loud thud!! One down! One to go!!
The large grey female, Zumpy, came rushing at me with her two frontal appendages outstretched!!
"We're gonna' get us an egg cache or die trying!!" she shrilled,.."Oh baby,..baby,..baby!!"
I did not bother to tell her that I was already dead!! Nor did I stolidly state to her in a Divine Assassin manner,.."The Dead do not make egg caches!!"
Every multi-facet of Zumpy's ocular orbs was glazed over with lust!! I did not even try to pout at her with the onilar-underlip of my probiscus. I hopped off as fast as my multi-appendages could carry me!! It was not fast enough! She grabbed me!!
"Oh baby!!" Zumpy shrilled as I turned my frontal facial apparatus away from her's,.."Oh baby! Let's exchange expiratory mucus and rub our philanges together!!"
There are somethings worse than being a Dead Divine Assassin! There are somethings worse than even death!! The Dead do NOT exchange expiratory mucus and rub philanges together with Blue Planet insectoid life forms!!!!!
Mating with an amorous female flea was not on my "to-do" list that day!!
And Zumpy was smart enough to have pushed down my "brace appendage" so that it was out of "line-of-sight!!" Still, I really didn't want to hurt her as she was such a big "fan" of mine!!
I was kicking at Zumpy with all of my knobby appendages when I heard a human voice yell,
"I do not wish you to be,
Nothing but a small black flea!!
With my magic,
I will try To turn you into Assassin Kai!!"
Something went "whump!" I landed on the ground on my back. My arms were waving madly in the air and I was kicking so hard that my feet made a hole in the floor of Stanelle's house!!
..Xev later told me that I was screaming out semi-hysterically,.."The Dead do not suck flamboid muscus from the probiscal orifaces of strange female fleas!"
..I stood up and brushed myself off. I, then, checked my brace. All of my internal mechanism was in alighnment and I was just about to make sure that my bun was in place in a nearby mirror when I heard Granny Hepzibah intone:
"Xev and Stan,
Your rightful forms take!!
And no more mischief here..
Shall you make!!"
"Leave!" Just leave!!" Stanelle growled at me,.."And take your friends with you!"
So Xev, Stan, and this Divine Assassin left Stanelle and her little village of Avarere!
And even though my boots are self-cleaning, ..I was tracking that "flamboid mucus" around the halls of the Lexx for days after my flea adventure!