Disclaimer: The Sorting Hat belongs to J.K. Rowling. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Warnings: Adult language and bashing of self-made Sorting Hat Songs.

Sorting Hat Travesty

I was sewn before Hogwarts was formed,
Imbued with endless wit,
The Founders knew they'd be amused,
To listen as I spouted shit.

So, they poured magic into me,
Slaving several days and nights,
Giving me just one single task,
To sort you annoying little blights!

I get dragged out one day a year,
And then I'm tossed upon this stool,
For it's my unenviable duty,
To help you pathetic, stupid fools.

For centuries, I've sung their praises,
Brought glory to their names,
But frankly, I'm bloody sick of it,
It's time to end the games.

Though he's famous for his sword,
And the red hair upon his head,
Gryffindor was best well-known,
For his skill upon a bed.

Both ladies and lords fell to his charm,
Oh, the randy Gryffindor!
Yes, he was quite courageous,
But truly, he was a man-whore.

Lady Hufflepuff was beautiful,
And exceedingly loyal, it's true,
Yet, she couldn't speak without cursing,
A filthier mouth, I never knew!

The words she spewed were vicious,
And though she was a powerful witch,
If I had to describe her in just one word,
I'd definitely call her a bitch!

Rowena Ravenclaw was a genius,
Her nose was almost always in a book,
But she also had sticky fingers,
And she took and took and took.

She'd sneak around the grounds,
A skilled and talented thief,
When she finally keeled over and died,
Everyone with valuables sighed in relief!

The last Founder is the most notorious,
His name is whispered in fear,
That'd definitely bring a smirk to his face,
If the prejudiced bastard were here.

An assassin, a murderer, a dark wizard,
Oh yes, that was our Slytherin,
People seem to dislike the man,
Just because he killed others with poison!

So listen well, you little prats,
You really don't want to make me yell,
Get your scrawny arses up here,
So I can send you all to Hell!

-End-