Author: Piper Julian PM
Voldemort avoided death as a spirit for 13 years. Strangely, he couldn't avoid a bus. One Shot.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Voldemort & Stan S. - Words: 1,366 - Reviews: 313 - Favs: 871 - Follows: 80 - Published: 07-26-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5251386
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Summary: Voldemort avoided death as a spirit for 13 years. Strangely, he couldn't avoid a bus. One-Shot.
Revised with bonus parts on: December 20th 2009.
Ignores books 6 &7.
It came to one bizarre and oddly humorous event to end the war.
Frankly, Harry wasn't even all that sure if Luna could have predicted this one coming.
Young Mr. Potter had been relatively sure that it would all end in a heroic battle in a location that was no doubt magical and would serve to make the whole scene far more dramatic. Like in front of the Forbidden Forest, for example. He hadn't exactly expected the war to end at the front of his driveway.
Harry had been tending to the bushes in his Aunt's front garden before it happened. Naturally, his wand was in his back pocket- not really for protection thought, just for the amusement of seeing the neighbours question the Dursleys as to why their nephew carried a stick with him. Anyways, with his wand at the ready, Harry was basically prepared for the worst to happen. Well, the worst minus Romilda Vane at any rate- was she part harpy?
Between reading a book about how to attract gnomes to your garden and shaping Petunia's rose bushes into small ogres, Harry was rather busy. The Dursleys had ordered food in and him out, but with it being summer he still had some daylight left. With a growling stomach he waited to be invited back in.
Unfortunately for the hungry half-blood, that's when the sky mysteriously darkened and something began to rapidly descend from the skies.
Harry, far too use to all this nonsense, sighed and looked at the skies ready for anything from Santa Clause to a futuristic version of himself claiming that Draco Malfoy was in fact his soul mate.
Naturally, it happened to be Voldemort who had somehow managed to learn how to fly. He must've still been angry about the fact he was terrible at Quidditch when he was in school. Thus, he spent more time concentrating on learning how to fly than helping create a spell to locate the brains of several prominent Death Eaters. Or perhaps Voldemort had tried to steal Peter Pan's secret for immortality and had just ended up with a whole lot of fairy dust in his face…
Anyways, the old bugger was flying from the sky and cackling while he was doing it.
Harry hoped he choked on a cloud on the way down.
"Harrrrrrrrry Potterrrrrrrr," Voldemort hissed as he finally landed in the middle of the road.
"Are you slurring over the r's in my name because you have a lisp?" Harry asked.
"How dare you!" Voldemort said.
"Guess not, you managed that one just fine."
Harry was in the middle of wondering where all of the supposedly nosy neighbours were when Voldemort growled at him.
"You've got it all wrong, Voldy, you're supposed to hiss- like a snake. Growling is for lions, like Gryffindors."
"SILENCE!" Voldemort said. "Draw your wand Potter, there is no one to save you now! It is time to meet your end!"
Harry sighed; at this rate he wouldn't finish the gardening.
"Tim, where's your sense of timing? You are supposed to predictably attack at the end of the school year for two years then skip the third. Meaning, you can't attack till the end of the seventh year." Harry said.
"TIM? It's Tom, you fool! Try to remember my muggle name if you are going to insult me with it! And what do you mean my attacks are predictable!"
"Well," Harry began, "You attacked me in some way my first and second year, skipped third year and then attacked again for my fourth and fifth year. If you keep up with the pattern, you'll get your Death Eaters to attack at the end of this year like you did my third... Although, Pettigrew really isn't a Death Eater so much as he is a waste of space."
"You're spying on me. Aren't you? That's how you know I'm planning a raid on Hogwarts?" Voldemort said.
Harry rolled his eyes, "Aren't we suppose to be duelling by now?"
Voldemort drew his wand. "Mummy and daddy are waiting for you, Potty!"
Harry gasped, "Your stealing Draco Malfoy's insults? Really?"
"DRAW YOUR WAND ALREADY!"
Harry lazily got his wand out of his pocket and then flicked it sharply at Voldemort after thinking, 'I wish half this bloody nonsense would happen to Neville or someone else... Why is it ALWAYS me? Seriously Tim, go away...'
Voldemort was beginning to cast a spell when it happened. There was a blur and suddenly the Knight Bus was standing where Voldemort used to be.
"Knight Bus, service for any stranded witch or wizard! I'm Stan Shunpike and I'll be your... BLIMEY! Harry Potter!" Stan said.
It was Stan's first day as the driver of the bus. The regular driver was off sick, so there were slight changes in who was doing what on the bus.
Harry, stumbling, looked under the bus. The sight was unbelievable- Voldemort was crushed under one of the front wheels.
"Congratulations." Harry said a little shocked.
"You just defeated Voldemort."
As it turns out, the thought and wand action made by Harry was the requirement to summon the Knight Bus. Voldemort, being the incompetent person he was- neglected to realize that he was standing in the middle of the road.
Stan Shunpike became an instant hero and Harry could finally enjoy his final two years at school as a normal kid. Although, he got a lot of the credit for defeating Voldemort as well since he summoned the bus.
Albus still found it hard to believe that it was a bus, and not love, that was the power Voldemort knew not. With no nagging mummy at his tail, no one had bothered to tell little Tommy to look both ways before crossing the street.
The Ministry got a kick out of the idea and decided that instead of using the Dementor's kiss, they'd line up all of the people they were going to execute and run them down with the Knight Bus.
Stan, thankful that Harry got him so much glory, would later agree to letting Harry borrow the bus for a day. Harry, Ron and the twins would later return apologizing for running the bus through the Malfoy mansion... repeatedly.
Around the same time that bus-mania began and shortly after the defeat of Voldemort, the muggle song 'The wheels on the bus go round and round' rose to #1 on the top 100 Hot Wizarding songs.
The brooms in Quidditch would later be replaced with flying buses, making the game far more interesting to watch. After all, watching a bus try to catch the snitch is rather comical.
Oh and remember that Golden statue in the Ministry of Magic? Well, due to Stan and Harry's rising popularity, they knocked down the old one and replaced it with a golden version of them chasing after Voldemort on a bus.
Naturally, some purebloods were infuriated by the excessive use of something so muggle looking- but no one really likes that sort anyways. So let's just ignore them.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why that you should never leave Stan Shunpike in charge of anything. …Including driving a bus.
Author's Note: That's right. I went there... Again? I seem to like making fun of Voldemort :)
I realize that this on the ridiculous side of things but I figured it was good for a laugh or two. Hope you all enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought of it :D!
December 20th, 2009: I would like to take the opportunity to thank everyone who has read this story. I was very surprised with the overwhelming response for this story. I edited it today and added a couple of new paragraphs in for some added humour. Hopefully you'll enjoy those too.