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"The boy with the thorn in his side, behind the hatred there lies a murderous desire for love..."

The Smiths – "The Boy with the Thorn in His Side"

Girl with the Red Notebook

Chapter 1 :

A Sweater, Past and Present

–

I'd kept my feet in the buckets of comfort for far too long. I knew I'd pay for my mistake dearly but I couldn't feel it. The numbing sensation tingled throughout the tips of my toes, silencing those sensitive nerves first while the slight arches of my feet ached at the cold but therapeutic torture. I cursed the ice for not fulfilling its duty to its highest capability. The throbbing sore of betrayal radiated through my body, my bones, and I could feel the threatening despair looming, preparing to take its toll on my vulnerable state.

Forever betrayed, forgotten and used. That was my life.

I'd allowed Carlisle and Esme to lull me into a false stupor, one that I'd accepted too easily, too hastily. It masked the hideous truth that was my past with comforting promises and deceits, placing hope and trust in me, neither of which I deserved, and like a fool, I'd believed them, because I yearned for their assumptions to be true.

They didn't change the fact that I was a mistake. I wasn't meant to be, and nothing could change that.

But there I sat at the edge of my bed, broken and battered and still very much alive, at least in the physical sense. My mind felt wrecked. It was as though a battering ram had painfully invaded the barriers of my protective shield, shredding through every last bit of my security until unattainable wisps of incoherent and streaming memories were all that remained.

Esme saw something in me that she deemed worth of her love. Carlisle had insight that told him I was worth teaching and molding. The inescapable truth was that I took more than was fair. I was given more than I earned.

And I hated more than I loved.

Carlisle shook his head as he inspected my two black toes. The rest of my foot was swiftly swelling and turning bright red, preparing to follow the dead phalanges on their path to frostbite. Esme had her mouth covered with her hand. A little piece of me died when I witnessed the sadness and disappointment filling her eyes. Causing such a loving and compassionate woman even the smallest ounce of pain or unhappiness was inexcusable. I was the biggest ass on the face of the planet and I'd become that way by choice. It wasn't anything that my adoptive parents had done and it wasn't even due to the neglect and abuse of my biological parents.

Instead of rising above and overcoming my demons, I dwelled on them and allowed them to rule my life, to the point where I didn't have control over it anymore.

The amputation was swift and painless. Carlisle, my own personal doctor, saw to the operation himself. My feet look deformed when I wiggled my numbed feet and I wished I could take it all back. I could go to the beginning and remain in my silent social bubble instead of opening myself up for the fallacy that was my only friendship. I'd still be sane and would have all of my toes. Esme wouldn't be glum and depressed. Carlisle would be cheerful and warm.

I propped my battered feet up on a pillow just as my parents walked into the room. Esme gingerly sat down beside me, trying not to stare at my bandaged feet, while Carlisle stood behind her with one hand placed on her shoulder. There was a wrapped package in her hand in plain red paper. There wasn't a bow. There wasn't any ribbon. There wasn't even a name tag or card.

"Edward," my mother began. A single tear drifted down her cheek and another string of my heart snapped and sprung loose at the sight of her anguish and I could've sworn I felt it twang against my rib cage. "Edward, I made you something."

"I don't deserve it," I murmured.

She passed me a small smile and placed the gift in my hands anyway. "I think you do. We know that you're still hurting. We know it wasn't your fault that your friend took advantage of you. Hurting yourself, though, wasn't the way to handle it.

"We know that you prefer to be cold. That's not abnormal. But we have to set some rules down now. We're afraid that you'll hurt yourself more. We're not saying you can't sleep with your room cold or that you can't keep carrying around your ice packs for comfort. But never again are you allowed to do anything to your feet. Ever."

That was more than fair. My throat felt clogged with emotion and I couldn't bring myself to speak. They were more forgiving than I deserved but I wanted their forgiveness more than anything.

"From now on, you need to dress more warmly. I wanted this to be the first piece of warmer clothing for you." She patted the red parcel, flashing me another smile. "We still love you, Edward, and we always will."

With that, she kissed me on the cheek and then Carlisle patted my shoulder. They left me alone with my gift and I stared at it for an immeasurable moment, wondering what I would find underneath the crimson paper.

I couldn't think. My parents weren't angry at me, they were disappointed, and while that was still an emotion I didn't want them to feel, it was less stressful. They still trusted me. They still understood. They weren't taking away my comfort but simply limiting it, for my own good. I thanked whatever god might exist for sending me to such loving and caring people, knowing full well that I'd never be able to live up to their expectations, but it wouldn't hurt to try.

And I would try. From then on out, I was going to be better, be stronger and be smarter, if not for my sake, then for theirs. I carefully unwrapped Esme's present and sighed when the red yarn came into view. It was a perfectly knitted sweater.

It was so much more than that. It was acceptance and love and trust. My head fell back against the headboard and I couldn't stop the sobs raking through my chest.

I was fifteen. I was the child of two parents who didn't ever want me to be born in the first place. After a month in foster care, I was adopted by the two most beautiful and wonderful people in the world and I willingly bore their last name. I took things for granted and I'd been both betrayed and the betrayer at some points in my life. I was weak. I was a mistake.

I was Edward Masen turned Edward Cullen.

And I was forgiven.

Two years later

Forks was quite possibly my own personal paradise.

I hugged my sweater tight to my body while surveying the landscape surrounding my new home. My parents stood by the house, making sure the clumsy looking oafs transporting our belongings from the moving van inside didn't drop any of the precious art pieces or furniture. Esme loved buying antique things, ones with more than just money value. Our house would be like a dumbed down history museum by the time she finished decorating and rearranging. She'd no doubt have the need to move the couch five times before she decided it looked best in the original place she'd put it.

Everything here was lush and green. Alive. It was invigorating.

Of course I did my homework. I couldn't very well move halfway across the continent without having some sort of background information as to where I was going, willingly and happily, at least.

I was definitely happy.

Forks was small. Forks was rainy. Forks was cold.

I sighed into the mid-October air. Yes, Forks was cold. I shivered in content, letting the chills roll off my shoulders and arms.

"Edward!" I turned at the sound of my name, finding Esme at the doorway, her hand in the air with a wave. "You should come choose a room," she continued as my strides brought me closer to the house. I hadn't been inside yet and feared that it would be more daunting and intimidating than the outside simply appeared.

It was. As I walked in beside my mother, the first thing I noticed was the grand staircase directly in front of me, followed by the incredibly high scaled ceilings. My parents let me scout the house alone, thankfully. I had to admit that the home was luxurious and nice, but for just three people, it seemed too nice. I wasn't one to want or need anything more than what was necessary. I'd learned the hard way not to take things for granted and appreciate even the most minuscule things for their deserved worth.

I did love the basement. It was huge, cooled, and perfect for me.

Esme wouldn't let me room down there, though, so I had to head upstairs and figure out which of the several over sized bedrooms were to my liking and I ended up picking the first one I stepped into. It was spacious and had large windows, as well as a huge closet. It was nowhere near as large as the master bedroom but it was still too big for my needs. I sighed and opened up a window, welcoming the chilly rush of air and then sat down in the direct center of my room, looking around me and imagining where I would put all of my possessions.

The overweight movers interrupted my speculation but I thanked them for lugging my bed and desk up the staircase anyway. I had them place the bed in between the two windows that seemed to take up my entire wall and with a grunt, they did so, leaving me without so much as a wave or 'you're welcome.'

Esme knocked on the door frame soon after, smiling widely and obviously pleased to have finally moved in. Anything that made her happy, made me happy. It helped that she was easy to please.

"Do you want to head to the store with me? We need some groceries and I've got to find something to cook for dinner."

"Sure, mom," I replied and she whisked herself away, leaving me perched on the edge of my bed.

I really wanted Forks to work for me, and to do that, I needed to have an optimistic outlook.

After a few minutes of chatting with the movers and a kiss goodbye from my mother to my father, Esme and I climbed into her Lincoln MKS and drove through the tiny and dismal-seeming town to the only grocery store available: a lone Country Mart.

"What do you think so far, dear?" my mother asked, loosening the focus I had on all of the green shrubs and trees.

"I like it."

"Me too. It's small and quiet. I just wish the sun would shine just a little bit."

I smiled but kept my thoughts to myself, knowing that I wished for the complete opposite. The sun could stay tucked behind the gray and pearly clouds as long as it liked and I wouldn't complain. I played with the loose strands at the cuffs of my sweater and rode the rest of the short drive out in silence.

We avoided as many puddles as we could manage, stepping around the pools of water accumulated in the hollows of the slick, black pavement, and walked one after the other through the tiny automatic doors that were only wide enough for one person to fit through at a time. The store looked old, but it was clean and tidy. A couple of lights flickered overhead while I pushed a shopping cart, letting mom pick out all of the items she wanted from the shelves.

"What should we have tonight?" she asked me, not looking at me but at the two different brands of bread she weighed and compared in her hands.

"It doesn't have to be anything big," I said lightly.

"Breakfast for supper, then?"

I nodded and followed her to the dairy and egg section, standing closer to the freezers to bask in its cold aura. She placed item after item into the cart and grabbed other things to stock up our kitchen with and some cheese-its for me to snack on. I loved cheese-its.

"And Popsicles," I added and she smiled at me, grabbing a bag of the unfrozen treats from the juice aisle. "Thanks."

"I think that's all," she said warily, eying our overflowing cart. "Don't you?"

"I think it's plenty, mom. You have enough to probably feed the entire town."

"You're right. Let's go check out."

I really didn't mind shopping with my mom. Dad was usually busy or tired from work and she didn't like going by herself. She spent her days alone so I figured if I was home, I should spend time with her or go with her when she asked. She said being a housewife wasn't boring but her eyes always lit up when my father or I came home. I think she was more lonely during the day than she cared to admit.

"Have a nice day," said the quiet girl who'd just rung up our items, her dark brown hair pulled back in a low ponytail and her shirt sleeves much too long her arms. The small name tag pinned to her shirt said Angela.

"You, too!" Esme rang back and I pushed the cart out the front door after giving her a forced smile. "She was nice. I bet she's still in high school. Maybe you'll see a familiar face tomorrow at school."

"Maybe," I said, paying more attention to stuffing the grocery bags into the trunk of the car.

"Edward," my mom went on once we were sitting in the stuffy interior of the classy car, "you should really try to make friends here. There's bound to be someone who you can get along with."

I appreciated her concern but making, finding, and keeping my friends wasn't my forte, and she knew this. "I'll try," I said honestly and she smiled. It felt like I tried a lot for my family but usually my efforts proved unsuccessful.

"That's all I'm asking."

Dad seemed a bit flustered when we brought in the groceries and explained that the movers were being a pain. His mood improved when mom told him about what was for dinner. He, like me, loved breakfast for dinner and no one made it quite like mom did.

"I had them go ahead and mount the television in your room," Carlisle said after taking a sip of the orange juice we'd bought. "Everything else of yours is already up there, too."

"Thanks."

"I figured we could just relax tonight and maybe sort out the library Saturday or Sunday?"

"Will do, Dad." He smiled and clapped me on the shoulder.

"I think we're gonna be happy here," he stated happily and our grins were pretty much all the same.

It was true. It did seem like we'd found our niche. Mom was singing to herself, organizing the kitchen and dad was musing over a magazine, content amidst the towering boxes of books and belongings surrounding his tiny empty space on the dining table.

As for me, I just wanted to go upstairs and prepare my backpack for tomorrow. I was glad that I was starting this new school on a Friday. That meant I didn't have to sit through new surroundings and teachers and people for a full straight week. I would have my first round and then be able to re-coop over the weekend.

What I didn't like was starting a new school halfway through the semester. My last school had said that I wouldn't be behind, and that I would actually be a bit ahead of the other students, but that didn't relieve the stress. I was going to be the only new kid. At the beginning of the year, there could have been a chance that I would be one of a few new students but since it was mid-term, I might be forced to be the center of attention. In a town this small, I had no idea what to expect of local gossip or rumors, but if it was what I feared, then the entire tiny population already knew about the arrival of the successful new doctor and his wife and kid.

I was afraid of the attention.

Nonetheless, I had to go to school so it was better for me to accept my fate and do my best to make it as painless as possible.

To pass the time until dinner, I tried to set up my room but only managed to hook up my Nintendo systems and when I caught a glimpse of Super Mario World 64, I just had to sit down and play. I ended up playing until dinner and again after we finished eating. Something about Mario just pulled me in and it was unhealthy but I could spend hours playing those games over and over again. They had tremendous replay value.

It was getting late and I could already tell that it was pitch black outside. Mom came in, knocking on my door frame and offering me a smile. "Do you want me to wake you up in the morning?" she asked me, leaning against the paneling.

"No. I'll just use my alarm."

"Are you sure you're alright with being here? You know that we felt awful about picking you up and moving you, especially since you only have one year left."

I appreciated the thought, but I really was fine. "I'm sure. I like the weather, at least."

Her eyes looked wistful and lost in another time but she slowly recovered, and bid me goodnight before shutting my door behind her.

I needed friends. Having only my mother to confide in was surely stealing my masculinity little by little.

And so it begins.

I'm having immense fun writing Edward's point of view but I don't want to get your hopes up about super fast updates. I've typed a few chapters ahead just in case real life catches up, but I'll try to come up with a satisfactory schedule soon!

For newcomers, hi there. I suggest reading my story 'Boy in the Red Sweater' before diving into this fic. It will make Edward's version much more enjoyable to read and make a whole lot more sense. For my followers, welcome back! I hope you enjoy his take on things. I'm happy to have you here.

Reviews are better than Edward buying those damn Popsicles. -snort- And I'll be posting an AN about the Indie Awards on BITRS soon after this.

And yup, YxControl is my lovely beta. Chicka, I love you.

Much love, Britt