As The Burg Turns

A Continuation

His head was still shaking after he helped Grandma and Stephanie into the Mercedes. What did Ranger get himself into tonight?

"We're going to Stiva's. I hope Dave and Scooter baked good cookies for tonight," Grandma settled into the leather backseat.

He found a parking space in the lot right at the sidewalk. It was like the Queen of England had arrived watching Grandma walk up the sidewalk ahead on them in her ball gown and tiara. Scooter held the door open for them and it was a parting of the sea as the crowd split opening a path for Grandma. She stopped waiting for Stephanie and Ranger to catch up to her, and when they did, Grandma attached herself to his other arm. He was holding Stephanies hand with his right one quite tight. The room grew silent as they stepped through the archway to make their way to the front where the casket and family were positioned.

"Babe, they're all watching us now."

"They're checking out Grandmas eye candy, Ranger."

That remark caused a Cuban eyebrow to arch.

Walking up the path, Grandma developed that little Queen wave of the wrist, "Look who I'm with," she called out.

Ranger's hand was slowly cutting off Stephanies circulation. Grandma stopped at two other women near the front.

"Edna, you should have let us know you were dressing up and I would have taken one of my old ballroom dancing dresses out of the moth balls. My Mortie and I, God rest his soul, were the 'Golden Shoes' ballroom champs of Trenton in '83 and '84."

Ranger whispered to Stephanie, "She looks really old now, Babe. What about then? Was that 1883?" Referring to the woman smaller than Grandma and one continuous wrinkle. She had pink rimmed thick glasses that were making Ranger dizzy just looking at them.

"The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that. So, I decided to dress up a little. This is that tough knuckle crunching bounty hunter, Ranger, my Baby Granddaughter and I work with sometimes. You know, Stephanie. I didn't know the hottie was coming until he showed up for dinner. This is Hazel," introducing the former ballroom winner and another very plump woman with grey hair that had a blue tint, "and Iris."

Stephanie and Ranger shook their withered hands, "Hello."

"Wow, Edna," Iris was checking out Ranger like he was the Senior Citizen's Discount on Tuesday at 'Momma's Kitchen', the all-you-can-eat buffet, "you're lucky to work with something like that."

"Oh yeah, and he eats all that healthy stuff. My daughter had these things that looked like bean sperm on the salad for him. Full of protein and all. I bet that's where he gets his package. I bet it goes sometimes all night long. Maybe they should start serving those as finger food at the Senior Citizen's Center to get those old farts there to get it up once in a while. We have urges that need scratched."

Hazel cheered, "I'll go for that!"

"We better go pay our respects," Grandma tugged on Ranger's arm to continue on to the casket.

His eyes were pleading when he turned to Stephanie again, "Babe, since when do I work with you and your Grandma?"

"All the time," she smiled mischievously at his discomfort, "we're a package deal. Go have a cookie, Ranger."

"I need more than that after tonight. I'll be polluting the temple for a long time to forget this experience."

Making it to the front where the grieving family was, Grandma led them past the deceased. "You have my sympathies. Your mother sat next to me at Bingo sometimes. Is that an Eva Gabor Wig because it's so real?"

"That's Mother's real hair," a red faced man told Grandma.

"Really? I always thought it was a wig. It was too perfect."

Stephanie murmured, "I sorry," passing the family for their loss and Grandma Mazur.

"That's not real hair. It's a wig. I can tell," Grandma was telling them.

"I'll take you to look at wigs, Grandma. I know one thing that is one of the best French manicures I've ever seen. I'm going to check with Dave before we leave to see who painted her nails. Maybe I can make an appointment."

"Babe," Ranger was eating an oatmeal raisin cookie to help to forget what he got himself into, "I'll pay for a manicure. You don't need to come to the funeral home for one. That doesn't sound right."

"Ranger, I can pay for my own, but that is one of the best. At least I don't have to worry about Grandma trying to open the casket," watching her ball gown clad Grandma work the room.

All at once a woman's voice yells, "I ate your bean sperms! Oh God, and to think Im going to have your baby!" Hazel was pointing directly at Ranger and all the eyes of the crowded funeral home were turned to them.

"Babe!" was all he could say. Stephanie didn't understand what was going on right away, but she saw movement at the front of the room. It was green and couldn't be stopped it. Grandma created a diversion.

"I knew that was a wig!" Grandma is waving a grey curly wig in the air. "It's a Raquel Welch one, even better! She looks really good for being 102!"

"What did you do to Mother?" the red faced son screamed.

There was noise behind them, "Police! No one move!" Big Dog yells running in followed by Eddie, Carl, and a few other cops and men in suits with gun drawn.

"FBI," one flashes a badge to the room as they head to the front of the room.

"Simon Marcoloftski, Noreen Marcoloftski, Ruby Tuesday-Marcoloftski, and Maynard Marcoloftski, all of you are under arrest of the abuse of a corpse and possible murder. We found an unidentified frozen body hidden in a freezer in what was once your garage. It appears the freezer shorted out and caught the building on fire. The firemen were quite surprised by the body in the burning freezer.

"I told you to get that looked at, Maynard," Ruby spat at her husband with bouncing balloons on her chest. "It was making funny noises."

"Shut-up!"

"Don't tell me to shut-up! You're the idiot!"

"Bitch!"

"I'll show you a bitch," a foot came up and kicked him between the legs.

Maynard dropped to his knees with pain written across his face. Next his wife swung her arm and got him across the jaw knocking him back. She belly flopped him while holding both breasts protecting her assets. He screamed when she bit his ear.

Two FBI agents picked her off her bleeding husband still holding his groin.

Another FBI agent questioned, "Where is your father Ira? He's involved in this too!"

The children all looked at one another not saying a word.

"Here. This Ida is a man. She has a penis," Grandma had thrown off the blanket from the casket and lifted up the pale pink nightgown covering the body shaking the discernible body part back and forth. "Ida's a trannie or one of those halfer-dikes if she has both sets of parts. Take a look," urging the cops. "If they dont have the guts, I call them girlie men," Grandma challenged with an Arnold accent.

All of the police officers had taken a step back from the casket.

Dave, the funeral home owner runs to the front, "They told us their mother finally had enough money to finally get that sex change operation, but died before it could happen. I believed them! They seemed really nice."

"If this is Ira Marcloftski, then the frozen body must be Ida," Grandma concluded. "I liked Ida or Ira, she always shared her Bingo chips with me, but she seemed to have big hands. Big hands. Big penis. You can't miss this," still wiggling the dead mans penis around. "What happened to the real Ida?"

Noreen spoke up through her crying, "Our mother was very domineering. Dad couldn't take it anymore and one day pushed her down the steps to shut her up and assumed her identity when the family moved here. We just carted Mom along with us in the freezer."

"So by assuming her identity, your father had also been cashing her Social Security checks," another FBI was thinking out loud. "That's fraud."

Simon, the other son, added, "What was Dad supposed to live on? He was a nicer and better Mom than Mom. He baked us brownies and gingerbread all the time."

"We can sort this out at the police station," Eddie and Carl were cuffing the children and began leading them away. 'Hey, Stephanie, Ranger," seeing them standing at the back of the room stunned by what they witnessed, "What are you doing here?"

"Keeping Grandma out of trouble," Stephanie smirked.

There was a parade of visitors going past the casket checking out Ira's equipment. Some were touching it.

"Ain't this a pip," Grandma, Hazel, and Iris came over to them. "Ida was a trannie. I played Bingo with a trannie! Thats a new one for the beauty shop."

"Ma'am, we're going to need this as evidence. I'm Agent Follansbee," taking the wig from Grandma. "Thank you for being so aware. The deceased was scheduled for cremation tomorrow after the services. We may never have found Mr. Marcoloftski. What is your name? The $10,000 reward is yours."

"Edna Mazur. Now, that really is a pip!" Grandma draped her arm through the agents and walked out the door with him with Iris and Hazel in tow. "You're a hottie."

"Babe," Ranger was shaking his head trying to get straight what he just witnessed.

"I need a drink, Ranger."

His face wasn't blank, it was one of disbelief. "I need more. If I wasn't here tonight, Babe, I never would have believed it."

"Can you drop us off for a brewski?" Queen Edna asked walking to the Mercedes. "All this excitement, we have to calm our nerves."

"What about mine?" Ranger questioned.

"It's just another night as the Burg turns, but I have something to cure your nerves, Ranger," Stephanie purred in his ear. "I'm not particular right now. Take me to your bed.

"Babe, that will do it."

******* This story was brought to you by Tasty Pastry ***************

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