Title: It Never Woulda Worked Out Anyway

Summary: James would do anything for Lily to be his. Even if he has to lie to everyone in Hogwarts. Inspired by Brad Paisley's “It Never Woulda Worked Out Anyway”. One-Shot. R&R!

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I am not JKR, Warner Brothers or Brad Paisley. If I were, this would not be a fanfic, Snape would have gotten much more screen time in every movie, and, erm, I wouldn't be claiming to not be me.

Author's Note: This is what you get with me running on too much or not enough sleep. Add a little over exhaustion from working on “Unwell” and dust a little Brad Paisley on top, and what do you get? This little baby. I love reviews on my efforts, so please review!

"...and so she asked me today, in Potions, if I wanted to go out tonight - right in front of Slughorn!" Sirius exclaimed, bounding up ahead of his friends and walking backwards, excitement written all over his handsome young face.

"And of course you said 'yes'." James prodded.

Sirius scoffed. "Of course. It's not every day the average man gets asked out by Shelby Harrison." They walked through the halls of Hogwarts, on the way to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"But, of course, you're not the average man." James pointed out. "She asks you out at least twice every day."

"Only because you turned her down in front of the entire school." Sirius reminded James.

James shrugged. "She doesn't have something I'm looking for."

"What are you talking about?" Disbelief was written all over Sirius' face. “She's got an arse the size of-”

“I wish I could be like you guys.” Peter sighed. Shorter and heavier than the others, he did not have the “tall, dark” appearance James and Sirius had. Combined with his shy and coerced-into-everything personality, the girls nearly always forgot he was even there.

“No, you don't.” Remus added, shifting the large stack of books he held in one arm, using the other to hold the book he was reading as he spoke.

“How would you know if he wants it or not, Remy?” Sirius scoffed. “I am fairly certain you have not tasted this life.” He meant the life of a ladies man, the life of a man who could be laid every night if he chose to be.

“Perhaps I have morals.” Remus reminded him, not in a defensive tone, but in a matter-of-fact one.

“Perhaps you are scared.” Sirius accused his friend. “You're scared that the girls will drop you like a hat when they find out about,” his voice dropped a notch, “Moony.”

“No one is going to find out, so I hardly have to worry about that.” Remus reminded him, shooting all three of the Marauders a warning glare. He turned his attention back to Sirius. “They say true love lets go, so I am just-”

“Yeah, and who are 'they'?” Sirius bantered.

“Them. The inimitable, collective 'them'.” Remus buried his attention back in his book.

James could only sigh. Remus was choosing to lead an asexual life because of the lycanthropy. James definitely did not deem that the healthiest of choices, but Remus was sure of his decision. There was nothing James could do but support Remus and...

“Shite. Look at Frederick Parkinson over there, looking at Lily.” He made a vague motion with his hand. Lily Evans was standing outside the portrait of the fat lady, talking to Frederick, who was a Hufflepuff. Lily Evans, tall, with fiery red hair... seemingly unaware of just how perfectly curvy her body was and the attention it garnered from all the boys at Hogwarts... and some of the girls, too.

“He's just talking, James.” Peter pointed out. “It's not like he's-”

“Oh please – he's ogling her. Molesting her with his eyes.” James' eyes narrowed as Lily laughed and waved at Frederick, who turned and began heading away from her. Lily disappeared through the portrait hole.

“Excuse me for a moment, gentlemen.” He stalked away from his best friends, catching up with Frederick. “Oi! Parkinson!”

“Potter?” Frederick was Hufflepuff's Keeper. He knew James well enough from games.

“Yeah.” He tried to hide the contempt in his voice. “I saw you talking to Lily Evans over there.” And molesting her with your eyes.

“Yeah.” Frederick smiled. “She's nice, isn't she?”

James clenched his fists. “Yeah, about that. I saw the way you were looking at her and...” he shook his head, “look, we're friends, right?”

“Er... right? I guess we are.” Frederick nodded.

Oh, the ever loyal Hufflepuffs! “Well, I figured that you should know that,” he leaned closer to Frederick, for the very walls at Hogwarts had ears, “she's a Lesbian.”

“What?” Frederick's brow furrowed.

“Yeah, you know? Gay? A homosexual? Likes-to-sleep-with-girls?” He shook his head again. “It pained me – pained me – when I found out. I had been wanting her too, but when I walked in on her and Alice Kringle in the Common Room...” he grimaced, as if the memory was too horrible to think about.

“Wow.” Frederick breathed, his eyes widening in shock. “Really? Lily?”

James nodded solemnly. “Yeah. Look, don't go spreading this around school. It wouldn't be fair to Lily. Really, I'm being torn apart here, being torn between being loyal to a fellow house-mate by keeping her secret and being fair to you, a friend.” He played to Hufflepuff's values.

Frederick nodded. “Well, thanks for your concern, mate. I do appreciate it, I do.” He paused. “But I wasn't planning on dating her or anything.”

Oh, of course not. You were only going to force her into the nearest broom closet and- “You weren't?”

Frederick shook his head. “Nah. I mean, she's gorgeous and all, but we were just discussing this assignment in DADA, is all.”

“Oh.” He was still molesting her with his eyes, whether he knows it or not. “Well, er, cheers!” He turned and hurried over to the portrait hole, where the rest of the Marauders were waiting.

“What'd you say to him?” Remus' eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Oh, let's just say that Salazar Slytherin would be proud. So very proud. The hat wanted to put me in Slytherin, you know.”

“No kidding? Me too!” Sirius exclaimed as they raced each other through the portrait hole.

The next day was a Saturday, and quite a beautiful day, at that. The sun shone overhead, but was not too bright. It was... perfect.

“Where the hell is Peter always sneaking off to these days?” Sirius' eyes glinted. “I think the little rat has a secret he's not telling us.”

“It's about time.” Remus took a bite of his apple, leaning against the trunk of the sycamore tree. “The boy needs a bit of a life. Tagging around the two of you 24/7 isn't healthy.”

Sirius' eyes narrowed. “Speaking unfaithfully of a Marauder, are we, Moony?”

Remus just shrugged. “All I am saying is that as close as we all are, secrets are good, too. Keeps the adrenaline going, it makes sure that there's always some mischief that needs... what are you looking at, James?”

“Ol' Snivellus is at it again.” James said darkly. He was looking at the greasy-haired Slytherin, who was seated against the oak tree, next to the lake. Lily was laying in his arms, laughing...

“The greasy git.” Remus spat, pushing off the tree and starting towards them.

Sirius caught Remus by his robes. “Hold on, Moony. You're letting your instincts take over again. She's James' girl – let's let him take care of it, eh?” That night would be the full-moon. Remus always got more restless, impatient, and less tolerating during those times, which was saying something, because normally he was quite docile and patient.

“I'll be back.” James muttered, heading over there. He didn't need to take time to plan what to say to Snivellus. The right comments always came out when they needed to.

“Potter.” Snivellus nodded at James as James approached them. Snivellus was not being polite nor kind – he was shooting James a glare that only he could pull off.

“Snivellus.” James returned.

“How may I help you?” Snivellus returned his attention back to Lily, who was still lying against his chest, but seemingly much more tense than before.

“I need to speak with you. Alone.” He could not very well lie about Lily in front of her now, could he?

Snivellus appeared to be considering the matter. “Later, Potter.”

“It's important.” He whinged.

Lily sighed, getting to her feet. Snivellus quickly helped her up, and helped her dust off her robes. James gritted his teeth.

“I'll see you later, Sev'.” She said, shooting James a warning look. She whispered in Snivellus' ear something that she obviously did not intend for James to hear, but he did. “Be careful.”

Snivellus just nodded and pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear before she walked off towards the castle. “What do you want, Potter?” Snivellus looked positively enraged. “One of the few times I actually get to spend with Lily these days and you just have to go and wreck it! Again!”

James shrugged. “Look, I know you're going to find this hard to believe, but I'm coming over here to warn you.”

“Warn me?” Snivellus crossed his arms and looked down at James with an imposing stare. James was tall, but Snivellus had grown taller over the summer.

“Yeah, about Lily.” James' mind raced. “I hate you, Snivellus, but I know where you're at with Lily. I've been there.”

“Indeed.” Was all Snivellus would say.

James sighed. “I loved her, too. But... you see... I found out something, and ever since then...” he shook his head.

“Will you be completing any of these sentences?”

“Fine then. I just won't tell you. Serves you right.” James glared and pretended he was going to walk off. Shite. He's going to let me! Stupid Snivellus – you're supposed to stop me and ask what I know!

“The thing is this.” He turned around and said hurriedly. “Her parents already had a daughter, Tulip, and-”

“Petunia.”

“Right. And they really wanted another one. So when they had a son, they gave him all sorts of Potions and stuff and...” he gave a weak chuckle, which was necessary for pulling that lie off, “he's a girl named Lily. Lily told me this in the strictest confidence, and you know how Gryffindors are about that sort of thing. I really shouldn't tell you, but I don't want you to be shocked like I was. It's... it's not right to do that to another man, whether it be friend or foe, you know?”

Snivellus stared at James for what seemed like a long time before finally speaking. “Indeed. Potter, has it ever occurred to you that Lily is Muggleborn? That her parents have no knowledge whatsoever of Potions, of magical things? Did you ever once think, in that small-ish brain of yours, that Lily just might not want you making up lies about her? Lily has been mine for years and I know more about her than you ever will. 'Ever' in the sense of 'eternity', do I make myself clear?”

James gulped. “Crystal.” Don't you dare let him try and best you. “But, of course, you would know all about her being a Muggleborn. After all, who called her a Mud-blood last year?”

The black haired teen bristled. “You're changing the subject, Potter.”

“Indeed.” James said, mocking Snivellus. “I wonder something, Snivellus? You say my brain is small-ish. How is it that, even though my brain is so small-ish, I am still smarter than you? I mean, really. Scientifically, whoever has the biggest brain-”

Snivellus did the smartest thing James had ever seen him do – he turned and walked away. “Coward!” James called. “Come on, let's just have an old-fashioned duel! You know, whoever wins gets the lady? Come on, Snivellus? Scared you'd lose, eh? Well, let me tell you something – you would!” He suddenly noticed that even though the Slytherin was not listening to him, everyone else on the grounds was.

He put his head down and fumed, walking back to his friends. So there would be no winning that one.

“I just don't see the point of lying about her.” Peter fidgeted from his position on the Common Room sofa.

“Because the thing is, is that if all four of us are spreading fire, it won't be so obvious, you know? James here can only turn-off potential suitors so fast.” Sirius explained to the boy. Remus was normally more patient with him, but he had to go meet Madame Pomfrey in the infirmary. Sirius, James, and Peter would join him in the Shrieking Shack in twenty minutes, which gave Pomfrey plenty of time to go, do what she felt she had to do, and leave. The moon would not rise for at least another hour, so the Marauders would definitely be there before it did. Since fifth year, they never let Remus go through another painful transformation without them being by his side.

“Look, Wormtail – you don't have to fib for me if you don't want to, but you can't contradict me or hinder my efforts, okay?” James explained. “Just nod and keep quiet.”

The portrait hole burst open and who walked in but a fuming Lily Evans. “James Potter!” She shouted, her face flushed with anger.

She looks so beautiful when she's angry, James couldn't help but think. “Lily!” He stood up from the armchair he was in and walked over to her in the middle of the room.

“What the hell do you think you're doing?” Her green eyes were wide with rage. “Spreading lies about me?”

Oh, shite. She wasn't supposed to find out. “Lies?”

“You know very well what I'm talking about! Telling Severus that I... that I used to be a boy! What were you thinking?”

You're just dying to be hung up by your ankles again, aren't ya, Snivellus? “Oh, lighten up.”

Lily stared, in her anger, dumbfounded. “Lighten up?”

James nodded, pushing his glasses back up on his nose. “I mean, where's your sense of humor?”

“You lied about me!”

“Rumors.” James corrected. “Tiny little rumors that I spread. Only because I care about you.”

“Because you care about me?” Lily shrieked. “How was telling Toby Bolger that I was betrothed to a Pureblood twice my age caring about me?”

James winced. “Ah, you heard that one, didn't you?” At her increasingly angry face, he spoke again. “But look! It's because I love you! You don't know what guys are like – I do. The dirty thoughts they think about you show in their eyes... don't it, guys?” He asked Sirius and Peter.

“Oh yes, malicious thoughts. Molesting you with their eyes.” Sirius agreed. Peter just nodded and kept quiet.

“I wanted to turn them off you so you wouldn't get hurt.” He explained. “A Marauder never lets a girl get assaulted if they can help it.”

“Unless they are the ones doing it.” She glared over James' shoulder. “I heard about Dorothy Reynolds, Sirius Black!”

“She lies.” Sirius said plainly. He wouldn't divulge more than that while she was already infuriated. She probably wouldn't believe the unlikely but very true story of memory charms and goblins. Sirius wouldn't hurt anything living and breathing. Well, except for Kreacher the House-Elf. He would never hurt anything but Kreacher the House-Elf. But by all rights, Kreacher shouldn't be living and breathing...

“I'm sure none of the fellows believe those rumors I told were true.” James comforted her. “I'll admit, telling Rudolph Howe that you're a real Player was-”

“What?” Lily looked as if she were ready to strangle him.

“Was going a little farther than I ought to have gone,” James raised his voice, "But come on, you and Rudolph? It never woulda worked out, anyway."

She breathed deepily. "You spread lies about me, James!"

“But it's only for your safety, darling. And because...” he hadn't envisioned confessing his love to her in front of his friends, but it was now or never, “because I love you. I can't imagine my world without you in it. Every time I breathe, I think of you.” He looked at her earnestly, a slight smile quirking his lips upward... the smile the ladies could never resist.

She slapped him and turned on her heel, storming out of the Common Room, leaving James to rub his cheek, the smile still on his face.

“Dude, you okay?” Sirius got up from the sofa and made his way over to his friend.

James didn't answer Sirius. It was as if he were the only one in the room. He rubbed his cheek, smiling still, breathing heavy.“Oh yeah, she wants me.”