CHAPTER 6

Under the Sea Turtle

The princes, plus the maitre d’, stood in a very straight line, light surrounding them in bright halos. The princes had swords drawn; the maitre d’ was holding a kitchen knife.

Directly opposite them, Jafar, Maleficent, and Emeny also stood in a line, surrounded by shadows rather than light. Jafar and Maleficent were armed with staffs, but Emeny had nothing except her waitress tray. She held it with a surprising amount of menace, baring her teeth at the maitre d’.

“Phillip and Aladdin will be the problem,” Jafar murmured to Maleficent, keeping his eyes on Aladdin’s scimitar.

“Never underestimate a new prince,” Maleficent replied. “It’s the new ones that cause the problem.”

“You’d call that a prince?” Jafar scoffed, glancing at the maitre d’ and his rather blunt-looking kitchen knife.

“If he’s fighting with the princes and facing down Emeny, he probably is a prince,” Maleficent said. “A bad one, admittedly, but a prince nonetheless. An amateur at the game – but the amateurs are the dangerous ones. They have yet to understand the rules of engagement and tend to deviate from the predictable…”

“Fair point.” Jafar looked around for a lock, some indicator of the time, but found nothing. But he knew, from Emeny’s declaration, that their time was limited. He turned to the waitress, and his cobra staff’s eyes began to glow, hypnotic and deadly. “Emeny,” Jafar barked. “If you thought to poison the turtle and collapse the air bubble, you must have had an escape plan.”

“Mmmm… maybe,” Emeny said, flicking dark hair over her shoulder.

Jafar lifted his staff and pointed it in her direction. She glanced at it, barely long enough to connect – but it was enough. She became immediately entranced. “You will tell me what that escape plan is,” Jafar ordered.

Maleficent watched appreciatively as Emeny, dazed, muttered, “Small submarine, docking bay, back of the turtle. Like.”

“Good. How many minutes until this air bubble collapses?”

“Thirteen,” Emeny said, blinking slowly. “Whoa. There are, like, pretty lights everywhere.”

Jafar pulled his staff away, breaking the spell. Emeny blinked and shook her head rapidly. “Thank you very much, Emeny,” he said.

“Uh, for what?” Emeny asked suspiciously.

“For your wonderful service,” Jafar replied. He glanced at Maleficent. “Shall we begin the preliminaries?”

“If we must,” Maleficent sighed, “But do it quickly. We haven’t much time.”

Jafar nodded shortly and turned back to Aladdin, a wide grin creeping across his face. “Come without your entourage, Prince Abooboo?” he jeered. “I’d hardly believe you capable of accomplishing anything without them.”

Across the room, Aladdin gritted his teeth. “I’m capable of kicking your – !”

“Aladdin,” Phillip said, putting out a cautionary hand. “The kiddies are watching.”

Aladdin heaved a sigh. “I know how to defeat you, Jafar,” he said, deflated. “I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.”

“Oh, that I doubt, Abooboo,” Jafar said. “That I doubt.” He cast a quick look at Maleficent. “Your turn,” he murmured.

“How much time until the bubble collapses?” she asked Emeny.

“Uh, like, twelve minutes?” Emeny said, glancing at her watch. “Are we gonna fight, or what?”

“Eventually, eventually,” Maleficent promised. “But first banter must be exchanged. It is a necessity in any great battle.”

“Ok, but, like, the air bubble’s gonna collapse?” Emeny said. “And, like, you know, death and destruction ensuing…”

“Yes, yes,” Maleficent said impatiently. “I understand.” She turned to Prince Phillip, grinning wickedly. “Prince Phillip,” she said, nodding. “Didn’t I see you just a few hours ago?”

“You’ll be seeing me over and over again until I have your head on a platter, fiend!” Phillip retorted.

“Or until I have yours,” Maleficent smirked.

“Since you have yet to actually defeat me, I don’t think that will happen,” Phillip replied.

Maleficent’s eyes narrowed. “Casting doubt on my skills, prince?” she hissed. “I could certainly question yours, since it takes a set of three doddering old maids with pixie wings to make you invincible! I certainly wonder about the legitimacy of your fighting prowess, as it was won through a mystical ‘sword cannot ever miss’ and a ‘shield that blocks anything, even acid rain’! Does it really qualify you as a hero if it takes no skill on your part to win a battle?”

“Be silent, witch!” Phillip roared. “I am a great prince, arguably one of Disney’s best! Do not cast aspersions on my honor!”

Maleficent smiled, satisfied. “Well, that certainly riled him,” she said.

“Your banter skills are exceptional, Your Wickedness,” Jafar said warmly.

“Yours too, though I’d rather hoped for a song,” Maleficent said, arching an eyebrow. “Your singing style has always put me to shame.”

“Next time,” Jafar promised, winking. “Just for you.”

“Ugh, God, gross,” Emeny grumbled.

They turned to glare at her. “Well?” Jafar snapped.

Emeny twirled a lock of hair around her finger. “Well what?” she asked.

“It’s your turn to banter,” Maleficent said. “Some clever line, some words to cow your nemesis?”

Emeny made a face – presumably her thoughtful face – staring at the maitre d’, who was waiting tensely for her to speak.

“Well?” he called, shaking his kitchen knife at her. “Have you got anything to say to me, Morning?”

She popped the ends of her hair into her mouth and began to chew on it. Then she grinned. No – she smigreered. “Just this,” she said, and threw her waitress tray boomerang-style at the maitre d’s head.

Phillip sprang towards the maitre d’, knocking him aside as the tray went whooshing right over him. Aladdin gave a war cry and started charging for Jafar.

“So much for banter,” Jafar growled, and lifted his staff. “Ready?”

“I was born ready,” Maleficent replied, also lifting her staff.

“Who even says that?” Emeny cried, catching her tray one-handed.

“We do,” Maleficent and Jafar replied, and then simultaneously began to morph.

“Oh, hell,” Aladdin cursed, skidding to a stop.

“Not the dragon!” Phillip groaned. “I haven’t got my shield!”

“Dragon?” the maitre d’ repeated in horror. “What dragon?”

Aladdin and Phillip pointed. “That one,” they said.

Maleficent had grown and changed into her full dragon form, sleek black and bright purple. Her green eyes flared; her mouth burned yellow as she opened it to roar.

Beside her, a large cobra uncoiled towards the ceiling, his tongue flicking out to taste the air. His smooth skin shone black and red, a yellow underbelly exposed. His hood flared as he hissed, swaying back and forth, a wicked pendulum.

Next to them sat a small, discolored bobcat, hissing and spitting and leaping about as though a bee had flown into its ear.

“You can ssssshape sssssshift?” Jafar hissed to the bobcat.

Maleficent snorted dark plumes of smoke by way of agreement.

“Sure can!” Emeny said, still leaping about. “It’s great, isn’t it? I love bobcats, ‘cause they have claws and spots and are bigger than regular cats but, like, can still do damage to you and stuff.”

“A bobcat.” Jafar shook his regal cobra head, flicking his tongue in disapproval. “Honessssstly, child. You are the worsssst villain I’ve ever ssssseen.”

“Not so!” Maleficent said. “I once heard of a villain who grew into a giant ant. Useless, he was.”

“Usssselesssss indeed,” Jafar agreed. “How wassss he defeated?”

“A giant stepped on him.”

“But of coursssse.”

Emeny leapt straight up in the air and did a flip. “Dude, that hissing? It’s annoying,” she yowled. “And, bee tee dubya, they’re, like, charging?”

“What?” Jafar and Maleficent turned their heads simultaneously, catching sight of the charging princes – and maitre d’ – just in time. Maleficent leapt into the air and over their heads; Jafar slithered out of the way. Emeny yelped and leapt at the maitre d’s face. He stopped, squealed, and ran in the opposite direction.

“Don’t!” he shouted. “Don’t jump on me! I’m allergic to cats!”

Aladdin and Phillip skidded to a halt. “Oh, really now,” Aladdin groaned. “This is our new prince in training?”

“Well, his family is royal,” Phillip said doubtfully. “They asked us to retrieve him and teach him how to be a proper prince… maybe this is why…”

“No! No! Cat hair! No!” shouted the maitre d’ prince.

Aladdin groaned and rubbed his forehead. “Abelard, stop that!” he shouted.

Jafar, who was prepping to strike, froze. Then he laughed, a great, loud, villainous cackle. “Abelard?” he repeated. “Prince Abelard?”

Prince Abelard stopped and looked around him, confused. “Yes?” he asked.

Emeny pounced on his back and dug her claws in, rubbing her head on his neck. “No! Ah! Cat hair!” he shouted, and began spasmodically trying to throw her off.

Aladdin shook his head. “What is the world coming to?” he asked.

“Tell me about it,” Jafar said, flicking his tongue in disapproval. “That Emeny issss a shame to villainy.”

“Oh, agreed,” Aladdin said. “I mean, really – a bobcat? Why not something more threatening, like – ”

“A cobra?” Jafar offered.

“Yeah, exactly!” Aladdin exclaimed. “I mean, that’s a great form to take on. I mean, I was really impressed by it. For a bit there I really thought I was going to lose.”

Jafar would have smirked, if it were possible for a cobra to smirk. “Oh, I did too,” he said. “But you ssssuccesssssfully out-maneuvered me, like any good prince mussst. Never mind what the other princessss ssssay about you being low-born – you’ve done quite an excellent job, as far as princessss go.”

Aladdin frowned. “They what?” he said.

“Oh, dear.” Jafar pretended to cough awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to ssssay – oh, my. What a misssstake.”

“They really say that?” Aladdin questioned.

“I’m afraid ssssso,” Jafar said. “Quite often, in fact.”

Aladdin looked crushed. “Because I’m – ?”

“A sssstreet rat. Yessss.”

Aladdin stiffened. “I’m not a street rat!” he snapped. “And anyway, Jasmine loves me.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Jafar said thoughtfully. “She sssseemed rather fond of me for a time…”

“So she could distract you!” Aladdin retorted.

“So she told you,” Jafar replied.

“You – you – you leave her alone!” Aladdin snapped, waving his scimitar at Jafar.

“Yes,” Maleficent put in irritably. “Do leave her alone, Jafar. I mean, honestly, a villain with a princess is just shameful.”

Jafar shimmied a little, nervous now. “I’m not interessssted in her,” he said. “I was jusssst ssssaying that perhapssss in the passsst – ”

“Lies!” Aladdin yelled. “All lies!” He waved his scimitar more forcefully.

“Ooh, a ssssword,” Jafar sneered. “What terrorssss. How I tremble.”

Aladdin chose this moment to stab Jafar in the tail. In response, Jafar howled and snapped at Aladdin. And the fight was on again.

Maleficent blew fire every which-way, trying to catch the dodging Prince Phillip. He took whatever he could get his hands on and threw it at her, but continuously missed. He wasn’t much for aim without his sword that couldn’t miss.

Meanwhile, Aladdin stabbed randomly at Jafar and tried to stay out of the way of the cobra’s enormous fangs. Jafar flailed about wildly, trying to catch Aladdin. He hit him once, directly in the stomach. Aladdin flew across the room and hit the wall, dazed. At approximately the same time, Maleficent set fire to the curtain Phillip had leapt behind only moments before. Phillip came out with a flaming cape and, like any well-taught schoolboy, stopped, dropped, and rolled. Abelard was still attempting to throw Emeny off of him and succeeding only in getting hair all over himself.

This was of course the moment when the entire wait staff, led by Cindy, came bursting into the dining room.

“The air bubble’s collapsing!” Cindy wailed. “What are we to – ” She stopped mid-cry and gaped, open-mouthed, at the now frozen villains and princes, all staring directly back at her.

She looked between Jafar, still in snake form, and Aladdin, who was rubbing the back of his head sheepishly.

She looked between Maleficent, still in her dragon form, and Phillip, who was cursing and trying to beat out his burning cape.

She looked between Abelard, who was gawking open-mouthed at her, and Emeny, who had changed into a human and was clinging, piggyback style, to Abelard.

“What’s happening?” Cindy asked, voice shaking.

“The end of the world, girl,” Maleficent said, grinning and displaying her very sharp teeth.

“For you, at leasssssst,” Jafar added.

He and Maleficent changed simultaneously into their human forms, smoke swirling around them. For an instant, Phillip and Aladdin stood unmoving, unprepared for the abrupt transformation.

“So long, Abooboo!” Jafar cackled, and, taking Maleficent’s arm, they disappeared.

“Wait!” Aladdin howled, diving towards them – but too late. All he encountered was empty air.

“No, stop!” Phillip ordered, but when he leapt in their direction, he only smacked into Aladdin.

“Hey!” Emeny shrieked, also diving towards the spot on which the villains had stood. She only succeeded in knocking both princes to the ground. Irritated, they pushed her off, rubbing their heads.

“Where did they go?” Phillip demanded, grabbing for Emeny.

Emeny stuck her tongue out. “Why should I tell you?” she asked.

Both Aladdin and Phillip drew swords. From across the room, Abelard wildly flailed his kitchen knife.

Emeny sulked. “Probably to the escape subs,” she muttered, blowing uselessly at a loose strand of hair. “That’s where I was gonna go. I don’t know how they found out…”

“You told them,” Aladdin said.

Emeny rolled her eyes. “Um, no, I didn’t.”

“Um, yeah, you did,” Aladdin snapped. “Jafar’s cobra staff is magical. It hypnotized you, and you told him about your plan.”

Her eyes widened, and her jaw dropped at the idea of this betrayal. “That bastard!” she exclaimed.

From the doorway, Cindy gasped. “Bad language!” she cried. “Don’t say that word!”

Abelard stepped forward, waving his knife. “Do you want me to teach her a lesson, Cindy?” he said, trying to look menacing. The loosely flapping apron and fast-spreading rashes did not do much to enhance the attempt.

“Oh, no!” Cindy said. “No, not violently. Maybe if you just sat her down and explained to her why cursing is bad…”

“Too late,” Emeny crowed, pointing outside. “The air bubble’s already collapsing! Soon the whole of the Vanishing Isle will be full of water, and you’ll all drown! And even if that doesn’t kill you, the death throes of the turtle certainly will!”

“Death throes?” Cindy wept. “What have you done to our precious turtle?”

“Poisoned it,” Emeny said, smigreering until it seemed her face would split open. “To death.”

“Well, that’s to be expected when you poison some – the air bubble!” Phillip shouted.

He was right to shout; the air bubble was collapsing, and water was beginning to spill over.”

“Aaaaaaahhh!” screamed Cindy and the wait staff.

“Aaaaaaaaahhh!” screamed Abelard.

“Aaaaaaaaahhhh!” screamed Phillip.

“Calm down,” said Aladdin. “We’re going to be fine.

“How can you say that?” Abelard blubbered. “A great wall of water is coming towards us! Oh, how I wish there was someone here to save us!”

From the air above their heads came the sounds of three bubbles popping. The crowd below looked up, astonished. Floating above their heads were Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather.

Fauna waved her wand and winked. “Did somebody ask to be rescued?”

Cindy blinked. “But I thought it was the princes who were supposed to rescue us,” she said.

“Haven’t you heard?” Merryweather said. “There’s been a feminist revolution. The damsels do the rescuing now.”

“Well… not all the time,” Phillip protested.

“Yeah,” Aladdin said, frowning. “We princes here were fighting off the villains before you arr—”

A wave came crashing into the dining room, burying all of them under several hundred feet of water. Burbling frantically, the princes and wait staff began flailing wildly, trying to get out – but it seemed there was no escape. The air bubble around the turtle had collapsed entirely, and the sturdy halls of the Vanishing Isle were full to the top with ocean water. Beneath them, the turtle bellowed in pain and began to spasm as the poison spread through its system, shaking the tall buildings back and forth. Cracks began to form in the walls, more water bubbling through.

The heroes were red in the face from trying to hold their breath. Their cheeks puffed out like puffer fish, without the pointed spikes. Their eyes looked as though they were about to pop out of their heads.

It was then that Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather waved their wands, and magical air bubbles appeared around each hero’s head. Gasping, they drew deep gulps of air into their lungs, panting. When they had recovered, Phillip and Aladdin looked around for the fairies. They were floating a few feet away, observing with cheerful smirks.

Merryweather leaned in with a bright smile. “Go on,” she said. “I believe you were saying something funny.”

Aladdin sighed. “Let’s just get back to the Charmings,” he said. “They need to hear about this as soon as possible.”

“Very well,” Flora sniffed. “Away we go!”

The heroes were catapulted at once to the surface and sent flying on their way.

*