Thanks to Mr. Wizard, whitem, Shockwave88, Love Robin, Fortress Maximus, Comet Moon, JCS1966, Molloy, daywalkr82, CajunBear73, campy, Quathis, Katsumara, Eddy13, screaming phoenix, RedBlueGreen, Joe Stoppinghem, Allaine, Sentinel103, Nikoaginistes, and Mahler Avatar for reviewing and to everyone for reading.

Leave a review and I’ll send a reply.

Thanks to campy for proofreading this chapter.

KP © Disney

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The Rongolem™ was a vision of grace and all-around so-bad-he’s-frosty-coolness as he sailed through the air, his powerful leg extended before him. When his size eleven boot made impact with the Pixie Scout-proof steel door, the reinforced barrier collapsed like the proverbial clichéd house of cards beneath the perfectly placed strike. He landed with assuredness in the lair’s main control room and quickly surveyed his surroundings: the giant video monitor, the assorted doomsday weapons, the hot and steamy hot tub – and the oh-so-gauche heart-shaped bed.

The Ronnuts ran in behind their leader, their keyboards at the ready. They exchanged high fives when they saw the bed. It was there, on the lurid pink satin sheets, that they would have the Rongolem™ make Possible, after she’d been turned into a simpering, guilt-ridden bimbo who repeatedly hit the high notes and finally ’fessed up to the fact that all of her success was the result of their hero’s efforts, his.

Dee and the SOS followed quickly on the heels of the Ron partisans. Looking around Drakken’s lair, Dee and her cohort had their own ideas, convinced that they had found the perfect place for Kim and Shego to finally be united in Sapphic love.

“Righteous!” College Boy declared the moment he spotted the hot tub, captivated by visions of Kim and Shego cavorting amidst the bubbles au natural. Dee, the Academic, and the Middle Aged Guy all enthusiastically nodded their agreement. After all, even though Kigo was about the careful plot-driven development of a complex, multi-layered relationship involving adversaries-turned-lovers, there was nothing wrong with extended lesbian martial arts hot tub sex scenes.

The Rongolem™ cocked his ear. “What was that?”

“Sounds like Lou Rawls,” one of the Ronnuts suggested.

The Rongolem™ scowled. “Not that, you idiot. I’m talking about the moaning.”

“Oh, that,” the abashed Ronnut said.

The Rongolem™ made his way to the mysterious sound, followed by the Ronnuts, Dee, and the SOS. “By the way, it’s not Lou Rawls,” the Rongolem™ said authoritatively to his fanboy. “It’s Barry White’s Love Unlimited Orchestra playing Love’s Theme.”

The Ronnut nodded worshipfully while Dee and the SOS sneered in a manner that would have done Shego proud. All discussion of the Seventies soulful baritone ended when the two groups of partisans turned the corner and discovered the source of the mysterious moans: Drakken, wearing a white shirt open to his navel, who lay on the floor clutching his stomach. Adding to the surreal tableau, Kim, still wearing her wedding dress, was kneeling by his side.

“What happened here?” the Rongolem™ demanded as he noticed lipstick on Drakken’s cheeks and Kim’s mussed hair.

“It’s obvious,” Dee said. “Drakken made some moves on Kim, but she resisted. Clearly, the one she wants to be with is Shego!”

Kim looked at Dee as if the woman had grown a second head. “And I would want to be with Shego why?” she offered before she gazed lovingly upon the clearly distressed Drakken. “I have Drewbio! Isn’t he a ten and a half on the scrumptious meter?”

“Sick and wrong!” all of the partisans chorused in rare unanimity.

“But why?” Kim asked plaintively. “He’s so blue,” she cooed as she ran a finger along his jaw line, “and so bad,” she added huskily.

The Rongolem™ watched with growing jealousy as an obviously besotted Kim fawned over Drakken. This was how the ersatz Ron had imagined her – simpering, enthralled, submissive – but with him, not some blue-skinned idiot with a mullet set free. Still, despite his deepening envy, he wanted to know what was going on. He was, after all, designed to be the baddest, coolest action-hero around, one who took no prisoners and got all of the answers.

“If you’re so into Blue Boy,” he forced himself to ask, “Why did you deck him?”

“Deck him?” Kim asked, confused by the question.

“You know, hit him,” Dee explained. “The way you love to hit Shego when you’re flirting!”

“What are you talking about?” a confused Kim asked. “I so don’t flirt with Shego.”

“Sure you do,” Dee said. “A close sub-textual—”

“Enough!” the Rongolem™ bellowed at Dee. “You had your fantasy in the last chapter. It’s time to move on.” He then turned to Kim. “If you didn’t hit Drakken, why is he lying on the ground, writhing in pain?”

“Moooooo,” Drakken moaned.

“Does he think he’s a cow?” the Academic asked.

“Moooooo,” Drakken moaned a second time.

The Rongolem™’s sunglass-covered eyes scanned the lair. He noticed a small glass on the floor, lying on its side in a viscous brown puddle about two feet from where Drakken lay. The Rongolem™’s stern visage morphed into one of horror. “For the love of nacos,” he whispered.

“What is it?” Dee asked.

“The fool,” he muttered. “What was he thinking?”

“What? What?”

“Fan fiction trope 3; it’s common to all genres and ships.”

Dee gasped in disbelief. “You don’t mean …”

“I do. Despite Kim’s having mastered the blender by the end of “Two to Tutor,” it’s a given among all genres and ships that Kim Possible in the kitchen is the narrative equivalent of the Perfect Storm,” the Rongolem™ said before he turned his attention back to Kim. “You made him something to eat or drink, didn’t you?”

“Cocoa Moo and Nana’s Lemon Squares,” Kim answered brightly. “They’re Drewbio’s favorites.”

Dee was shocked. “He ate and drank something Kim prepared?”

The Rongolem™ grimaced, then nodded. Then he grabbed Kim by the arm and pulled her to her feet.

“What are you doing?” Dee asked.

“Taking her with me,” he answered. “It’s time for this madness to end and for Possible to fulfill her destiny as my dependent sidekick.”

“I don’t think so,” Dee protested as she took Kim’s other arm. “She belongs with Shego!”

Before the argument could escalate, a massive explosion rocked the lair, blowing out monitors and vanilla-scented candles, toppling doomsday equipment, and shaking loose large pieces of the ceiling. After the dust settled a lone figure stormed through the breach in the wall.

“Give me back my girlfriend!”

Kim’s eyes locked onto the newcomer, who was wearing familiar olive cargo pants, a black mock t-shirt – and a Tyrolean future hat. He was bluer than Drewbio, definitely badder, with cute freckles and much larger hands. Her heart thundered and her knees went weak. “Zorpox!” she gushed.

“Kimberly Anne Possible!” he replied, extending his hand in invitation.

Kim did something only a teen hero can do – effortlessly flip both Rongolem™ and Dee, slamming both to the floor, hard – and raced to her evil blue boyfriend. “Let’s ace this place,” she cooed.

“I like the way you think!” Zorpox leered as he wrapped his arm around Kim’s waist.

“Not so fast!”

The two teens turned to see Dee Lusional pointing a weapon at herself. Ron and Kim exchanged a confused glance.

“Kimberly Anne, shouldn’t she be pointing that at us?” Zorpox asked.

Kim nodded. “I’m so going to regret this, but you’re aiming that at yourself why?”

“With this,” Dee declared in suitably grandiloquent fashion for a villain, “the Chronos Cannon, I can travel in time. All I need to do is use this voice-activated control to declare my destination. I’ll be going to go back to May 1982 and make sure his parents never meet.”

“Which means I’ll never be born …” Zorpox deduced.

“… So Ron—” Kim said as realization of Dee’s plot dawned.

“Zorpox, Kimberly Anne,” he corrected.

“Don’t push it,” she shot back.

“Got it,” he said.

“—and I will never become best friends or date,” Kim said, a none-too-pleased expression on her face

“Leaving you free to fulfill your true destiny with Shego!”

Kim rolled her eyes. “I’m so not interested in Shego. First off, she’s green, not blue—”

“Enough!” Dee barked. “All I have to announce is the year I plan to go to and it will be ta ta Ron Stoppable!”

“That’s Zorpox, Dee.”

“Whatever,” she said as she activated the voice-operated controls. “Farewell, I’m off to ’82!”

A blinding light filled the lair and Dee was gone. Ron, or Zorpox as he now preferred to be called, was still very much present.

“I don’t need my superior intelligence and analytical abilities to know that if Dee successfully went back in time and executed her plan, you shouldn’t be here,” the Rongolem™ said to Zorpox.

“You have a point,” he conceded. “What do you think went wrong, Kimberly Anne?”

“So don’t know, so don’t care,” Kim said breathily as she draped her arms around her evil BFBF’s neck and brought her lips to his. “Now conquer me, Conqueror Boy.”

Zorpox looked at the Rongolem™ sympathetically and shrugged. “Can’t argue with a girl who knows sixteen kinds of kung fu, can I?” he asked as dipped Kim and began smacking lips with her.

“Possible’s supposed to be mine!” the Rongolem™ roared.

Zorpox rolled his eyes and broke the kiss, much to Kim’s disappointment. “Sorry, but I have to deal with Chuckles,” he said to her. He then reached down to his utility belt and removed a small device, looked over his shoulder and fired at the Rongolem™. A blue beam lanced out and enveloped the simulacrum, causing it to disappear.

“What did you do with him?” an astonished Ronnut asked.

“Keyed into the time-stream frequency Dee used and sent the Not-So-Über Me to wherever Dee Mented is.”

“Cool,” College Boy reluctantly conceded.

“Of course it’s cool! I’m Zorpox the Conqueror. I’m the Big D—”

His rant was cut off by Kim, whose need for her bad, blue boyfriend was not to be ignored.

As the Conqueror and his smitten girlfriend continued to lock lips, the two groups of leaderless partisans shuffled their feet and looked at each other aimlessly.

“So, now what?” the Middle Aged Kigo fan wondered.

“I heard there’s an All-You-Can-Eat special at Cow ’n Chow,” offered one of the Ronnuts.

“I’m there,” the Academic said.

“Me too,” agreed another of the Ronnuts.

“Should we give out an award or something before we go?” the Academic asked.

“Good idea,” College Boy said. “The Larry for Steamiest Scene involving a Hot—”

“The Larry for Best Lad Lit goes to yvj,” the Academic interjected.

“‘Lad lit’?” the College Boy asked. “What’s that?”

“It’s chick lit, for guys. But if it makes you feel any better, yvj does the hot and steamy pretty well too.”

“Awesome!” College Boy enthused. “yvj, you rock, dude!”

He turned to follow his friends, new and old. As he and the other fan fiction writers left, and Zorpox and Kim continued locking lips, the velvet-smooth Barry White and a plaintive, forlorn moo could be heard from Drakken’s lair.

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To Be Continued …