A/N

Weekly updates must continue until further notice. I AM REALLY SORRY. I really liked my bi-weekly updates, too. Way to kick my butt, college. DX

Uhhh....yeah.... I did not proofread/edit this segment, so I'm sorry if it's a little error-ific. I couldn't connect to the internet this morning, and I am mooching off of someone else. I want to get it up before I loose connection. DX

I found May to be a strange sort of month. I always had, and I always would. For with May came the scent and sounds of Summertime. May, however, felt everything like spring. I recall awakening on several mornings as a teenager, rolling over to the colder side of my pillow and snuggling under my sheets sleepily. On these mornings, I would stretch and look happily out the window, glad for such a beautiful Summer morning. And then the realization would spiral toward me. It was still Spring. I was not out of the clearing yet.

Even now it did not, by any means, appear as though I was out of the clearing yet. Voldemort had implied that I would have a mission in the not-too-distant future. Whatever it was, I would do it. I would do it to save not only Dumbledore’s life, but Draco’s as well. Drumming my fingers on the desk and staring impatiently down at my feet, I waited for my students to finish their exercises.

I was pleased to find that Draco had gotten a good enough handle over his Occlumency to start practicing with the class. In addition to my joy, as a teacher, at having all of my students on a relatively similar level, I could not deny that I was also glad to have one less paper to grade. I sometimes found, especially at times of late, that the paperwork involved with teaching was overwhelming. Did I indeed complain as a student about the lengthy workloads I would procure each week? Rather, I should have felt sorry for the poor teacher who would have to grade it. I would only have about seven assignments. The professor would have about a hundred!

Severus stayed on, as I knew he would. Was it to protect his precious master? His Dark Lord? He was always glaring at me with distasteful eyes. Did he fear that I would betray Voldemort as he was Dumbledore? How long had he been a Death Eater? Lucius Malfoy had a greater sphere of influence over him than I would have expected. Very strange indeed.

Whenever I looked at Severus, the words, ‘Death Eater’ now appeared in my head. And, when that happened, I couldn’t help but find my thoughts drifting toward Lily. He had loved her very much, once. Perhaps always. How could he join a group bent on extinguishing those of her birth if he truly felt for her?

How did I ever fancy myself in love with such a person? How was I still in love with such a person? I was only setting myself out to ask questions that I knew I would never receive an answer to.

“Miss Granger, forgive me if I am mistaken, but I do believe that the assignment at hand is to find and retrieve one memory from Miss Brown’s first year at Hogwarts. You’ve been delving into the bowels of her memories long enough. Get on task, or risk the punishment. Ten points from Gryffindor!” Severus’ cold voice cut across the concentration of other students, who were working equally hard and long on retrieving memories.

Whether the students completed the assigned task quickly, or if they took their time, I did not really mind. Taking their time, in my opinion, was much better, as they were only getting extra practice. Quietly arising from behind my desk, I walked toward Severus, wanting to share the thought with him. It seemed that he, too, had a few ideas he wanted to share with me, as well. For, when I was close enough to him, he grabbed the fringe of my cloak and drew me nearer.

“Pardon my opinion, as I realize I am only second in command to you in this classroom. However, I do feel that you allow for too much slack. Your students tend to walk all over you.”

“Too much slack?”

“You tend to have a certain objective in mind, yet your actions depict something else, something much different indeed. You do have a way of saying something, and then allowing for other events to transpire.”

Was it just my imagination, or was there a double meaning in his words?

“Severus, as long as the students are getting the practice that they need, and as long as they are learning the skills that I ask them to learn, I see no reason why they cannot ‘slack off.’”

He leaned in closer to me, while still angling himself so that it appeared to the students that we were conferring over some of their actions.

“Reconsider your decision. Run away. Flee. Do whatever you can to make yourself safe.”

I allowed my eyes to dart toward him for only a second, and then back to the class.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I said simply, turning to go back to my desk. I felt his gaze penetrate the back of my head, but I was in no mood to carry on this discussion in front of my students. He sensed this of me, and I did not doubt that he would only postpone his lecture for some later time or date.

It was increasingly difficult to evade him, for at any chance he could get, he would try to dissuade me from being a follower of Voldemort. At any rate, he could try all he wanted. Nothing would come of it.

I turned toward my class.

“Does everyone have their memory? Good. Now switch partners with another group. Your objective is to protect the memory you have obtained, and retrieve the one your new partner has. Is that all clear?”

The students nodded, though stiffly. Much of the enthusiasm that had accompanied the class had dissipated since the winter holidays. Work now seemed tedious and uneventful. This didn’t surprise me. As fascinating as this subject seemed to me, I recalled, as a teenager, groaning through certain chapters of books that seemed boring, but necessary.

The students really needed to learn how to multitask their skills. While they would use Legilimency on another student, they would leave their minds completely open and vulnerable to outside foreces. This was crucial.

“There are only ten minutes left of class time. Surely you all can utilize it to the best of your abilities?”

An annoyed sigh subtly arose from one of the back corners of the room, but I ignored it. Severus, ever the hawk-like teacher, snapped his head in the direction of the noise. Eyes narrowed, he stared into the corner, as if giving a sign of warning. However, he said nothing. Slowly, he turned his head away, eyes passing judgmentally over the other students in the room.

He certainly did have that scrutinizing way about him. He was always looking from student to student, making sure they were on focus. He sometimes would look at me that way, more so recently than ever before. Perhaps he did not think I was on focus? That really did present me with a dichotomy. Either Severus thought I would not focus enough on my students, or I would not give enough focus to the Dark Lord. He certainly seemed to have focus enough for both parts of his life. So much so, that I would have never in a million years figured him to be a Death Eater. Well, he was quite a decent actor….

As if on cue, his eyes snapped to me. There was something untrusting in them. They glinted with a certain sort of menace that one’s eyes might have after experiencing a great deal of strife, after enduring many troubles and hardships. There was a strange wisdom about them as they burned holes into me. It seemed, for a moment, that he was comparing me to him, the experienced veteran skeptically giving a new soldier a once-over. This passed soon enough, and was replaced with the flagrant awkwardness that arises when two people have just been caught staring at one another.

Turning red, I quickly averted my eyes. With a blush of his own, Severus, too, turned his face away.

It was getting harder and harder to read that man. I once was disposed to think that I had known him so well, almost like a book. At the beginning of this strange year, I still thought that I had some sort of ability to discern his intentions, or even his private thoughts.

Now, I dare not even attempt that. He is, indeed, a much more complicated person than I could ever fathom. I was not so good at delving into the emotions and actions of people, as I was with their memories. Had I really been concerned with finding out what Severus was really about, I could have used Legilimency. Granted, it would not have been successful. He was also an expert Legilimens, and an expert Occlumens. Not only would he have been more than able to thwart my attempt, such a thing would have caused unnecessary offense. Increased hostility was, by no means, necessary for us.

I shook myself from my concentrated thoughts in order to rouse my class from their work. Several heads, scrunched up in deep concentration did not hear me the first time I cleared my throat. It took me five attempts in all to round up the attention of everyone in the room.

“Your cooperation today was really beyond what I expected. I know that the year is coming to a close, and I know that this can get a bit boring, since mine is the only class you have each day, but this is very useful, and very important for you to learn. Therefore, I want, for next week, three sheets of parchment about the potential uses of these skills in the real world.”

I bustled out of the classroom, along with the students. I dared not be left behind with Severus, lest he try to continue his earlier conversation. I really was in no mood. Keeping my head and eyes lowered, arms tightly by my side, I marched off to the Great Hall for lunch. I must have mastered the art of weaving in and out of students, for I got there before Sibyll had. The only other staff members at the front table were Professors McGonagall and Sprout.

I took my seat, waiting for the other Professors, as well as the students to file in. When it appeared that everyone was present, the food appeared.

Sibyll, sitting next to me, began to chatter away about a dream she had the other night, telling me its significance, and the foreboding messages of the future it presented. I had no interest in dreams. More of a logical thinker myself, I was convinced that they were a sort of fabrication of the mind. I was certain that each event that transpired in a dream more or less related to something that had happened during the day. Dreams relayed your fears and worries, thoughts and feelings. I did not see anything more to them.

I tuned her out when I saw a large owl heading my way. It dropped an envelope on my lap, and I instantly recognized it, large and brown, to be something of the Malfoy house. I swallowed a large lump in my throat, worried that Voldemort already required my services. Sibyll had momentarily paused in her rant to curiously eye my envelope.

“From Mrs. Weasley, about her son, Ron.” I lied, hoping to keep Sibyll’s nosy nature at bay.

Gingerly, I opened the envelope, hands trembling. Yet, the sight that I was greeted with was wholly confusing. The script on the letter was familiar, yet it was not that of Narcissa nor Bellatrix. It did not even seem to match itself with Voldemort. But if the Dark Lord truly wanted to summon me, he would do so by other means, not by owl….

Staring at the letter a few seconds more, then bothering to read it, I widened my eyes in surprise.

‘Lucinda,

I advise you to cease your attempts at avoiding me. There is much I need to discuss with you, and it is in your best interest to comply with my wish.

I do not feel I need to tell you that you were given your test of loyalty directly after your departure from Malfoy Manor for a reason. You know, as well as I, that you could not be left to freely wander with such significant information. Had you broken down, you would have been killed.

You will meet me at the first floor girl’s lavatory after curfew. That is not a request.

-Severus’

I looked up in time to see Severus’ eyes flicker down to his plate.

He had realized I was avoiding him, then. I had not made any point in covering up this fact, yet I did not expect him to confront me on this. Sighing as I picked up my fork, I knew that I had no choice but to go to him tonight. I would let him say whatever he needed to, but would I listen? Would I actually hear it? Chances were, I might not.

And why had he chosen such a place to meet? Granted, no one would be there to eavesdrop on us, I still found it a tad inappropriate. Since we were meeting after curfew, there would be virtually no student activity anyway. Who would overhear us?

I was left to ponder this throughout the remainder of lunch, as well as the day. When night fell, I knew my questions would be answered.

I tapped my foot anxiously, the sound echoing down the darkened hall. Darkened, it would seem, was an understatement. The hall was near pitch-black. I never remembered it being so dark in the castle, even after curfew.

A hand reached out behind me, grabbing my shoulder. Startled, I spun around quickly, to find Severus’ image emerge from the darkness.

“You frightened me.” I stated in what I hoped was an agitated voice. I wanted to make it perfectly clear to him that I did not want to be here, and that I had only come because he had so forcefully asked me to. There was a hint of intimidation in his words. As a whole, it really did seem as though he were trying to frighten me into coming.

“It would seem I did.” He said, clearly unconcerned. Making his way to the lavatory door, he opened it, arm stretched out to allow for me to enter.

“You want to speak to me in there?” I questioned, peering uneasily into the dismal bathroom.

“Need I remind you that the walls here do have ears? It would be best if we spoke in there.”

I grimaced, hesitant to enter. I was, on a whole, uncomfortable with the meeting place, but actually entering the bathroom completely breached the willingness I possessed to cooperate.

“Severus, don’t you find this to be a bit-”

“Inappropriate? Of course it is. But it’s one of the most secure places in the building. Why do you think I chose it to brew my Hate Potion?”

I found that my feet automatically made their way into the bathroom. Severus was close behind, as if to prevent me from changing my mind and rushing back to my chambers. Shutting the door, he pushed out the darkness of the hallway, which seemed to seep into the lighted bathroom.

We made our way to the circular sinks before we turned to face each other. He opened his mouth to speak, every effect of seriousness clear on his face, when a loud squeal interrupted whatever thought he was about to convey.

“Severus? Lucinda?” Moaning Myrtle shyly peeked out from behind a stall. Seeing us, her ghostly, transparent face seemed to illuminate, and brighten with color. She glided over to us, a happy grin plastered onto her face. It didn’t seem to fit. It was terrifying, really. Her features pointed toward sadness and depression. The smile did not fit, and seemed almost maniac. “It’s so good to see you both! I get lots of visitors now!”

I shifted my focus to her, unable to control the grateful expression that was playing on my features. Severus looked thoroughly put out.

“What brings you both back to the bathroom? For the sake of old times?” Her happy voice then dulled. “I suppose you’ll be wanting your privacy then…”

“Myrtle, as lovely as it is to see you, no such activities will be transpiring today. Though, privacy would be ideal. I don’t mean to kick you out of your own bathroom, but if you wouldn’t mind…” Myrtle, looking slightly offended by Severus’ words, vanished, a shrill cry echoing through the bathroom.

A moment of silence hung in the air before he attempted to speak again.

“Do you have any idea the severity of your situation? Do you have any idea of what the Dark Lord might ask you to do?”

“Something to prove my loyalty, Severus. I thought he’d made that rather obvious.” I knew that something serious was expected of me. I was, by no means, regarding this as a joke.

“The Dark Lord could ask you to do anything. And it most certainly won’t be easy. What you might do could jeopardize your status in the wizarding world. It could send you straight back to Azkaban. Worse, you could have your soul sucked out.”

“I am fully aware of the consequences,” I said, though I hadn’t really considered the last possibility. “And I am prepared to risk that.”

He eyed me suspiciously, another thought ready at his tongue, but a new one budding on his lips.

“Just why are you doing this?” Head turned slightly to the side, he continued to stare at me incredulously. “What have you to gain from risking your life?” He waited, eyebrows furrowed, for me to answer.

“I want to bring about the rightful order, wizards at the top, Muggles at the bottom, as it should be.”

Severus exhaled loudly.

“You mistake me for a fool. You believe that is what I want to hear, and so you say it. You and I both know that is not truly how you feel. That is not how I truly feel, even.”

“You mistake me for a fool, Severus. You think that I will believe that, and so you say it. You and I both know that you are trying, and wasting your time, to get me to reveal some ulterior motive. You want to expose me to the Dark Lord, and have me killed.”

“That is untrue. Are you really so convinced that everyone is out to harm you?”

“What reason do I have to trust you?” I crossed my arms tightly against myself.

Severus reached inside of his cloak, pulling out a small, colored vial. He took the small cork from the top and handed it to me.

“You will agree that this is Veritaserum?”

“Yes,” I said finally after inspecting it for some time. It seems that he had been prepared to receive negative cooperation on my part.

He took the bottle away from me then, and proceeded to ingest all of its contents.

I watched, somewhat shocked, as he did this, and then replaced the bottle within the mysterious confines of his cloak.

“Lucinda Redbourn, I vow to you that I am not going to betray you to the Dark Lord. You have suddenly joined up with the Death Eaters, though you display no distinct notion in believing what we stand for. This is displayed nearly every day by your sympathy and tolerance of Miss Granger. I ask that you tell me your true intentions of joining the Dark Lord, knowing that it shall remain within my confidence.”

I opened my mouth, then closed it, hesitantly.

“You do not trust me? I have just taken a vial of Veritaserum, and still you do not believe I am truthful?”

“I do believe you are…” I said, wondering why in fact I was hesitating to reveal my intentions to him. Could I be self-conscious that he might laugh at me? Scoff at my strange willingness and urge to protect the boy from harm? It was only right, his father had done the same for me. In a way, I was repaying Lucius for the unexpected kindness he showed me in the end.

I took a deep breath, and then I spoke.

“I know of the Dark Lord’s plan for Draco. I want to save the boy. I do not understand how he could so easily demand such a thing from a mere child. I am willing to do the task for him.”

Severus stared at me, one eyebrow arched in almost impossible height.

“You do not believe me? I am telling the truth. Perhaps you might be more inclined to think so if I too, took Veritaserum. If you happen to have another vial of it in your cloak…”

“Why?” This was all he asked, his lips twitching backward, something secretive in their way.

“Draco is only a boy. To murder is to have your soul ripped apart. To murder is to distance you from yourself. I can’t allow such a terror to befall him.” This was half the truth, of course. Severus need not know that the other half lie in repaying the man who so selflessly saved me from complete mortification, and more damaging heartache.

“I see…” These were the only words he cared to present me with. He stared at me for sometime, his eyebrow no longer arched upward in a questioning stare. There was something soft to his expression now, yet his eyes continued to betray him. The same secret that had hung among his lips now moved upward, finding a home in his eyes. They glinted with knowledge, not possessed by any other being.

I could question him about this. I could see if this hypothesis was correct, to see if there was something I did not know. I could take advantage of him, and the way that he had so foolishly left himself vulnerable to me. But that would have been wrong.

Instead of speaking to him any longer, instead of continuing the conversation, prolonging it to unnecessary bounds, I simply bade him good night, turned, and walked away.

We walked out of the lavatory together, into the darkness of the hall, then turned, and went our separate ways.

And as I walked, the black engulfing me with every step I took deeper and deeper within it, a thought dawned on me.

I could have asked him… if he truly ever loved me.

Thanks for reading!

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