Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, Tayuya would live, and become 'Konoha's #1 Foulmouthed Ninja!' X3

Pre-chapter A/N: I will never write a fic that isn't funny at points, except perhaps oneshots, but this fic is meant to be particularly funny. It's not a crack fic though. It has a plot, it has a dark side, and it will be rough at times. I just hope to make you laugh your ass off along the way!

Naruto wasn't sure what to do anymore. He'd failed. Miserably, in his eyes. He'd caught Sasuke, fought him, and very nearly died. He didn't know why Sasuke had decided, at the end, not to kill him. Or perhaps he'd thought Naruto WAS dead after the fight. Kakashi had thought him dead at first, after all.

"Why'd you leave us, Sasuke? I don't get it...I always knew you were a teme, but..." He paused when he heard something off to his right. One thing he'd never regret that he got from the fox, was his heightened senses. Where was he, exactly, he wondered.

He knew he was within the path they had all taken in trying to catch Sasuke, but he wasn't sure where he was along the path. It was relatively close to the bone field where Rock Lee and Gaara had fought Kimimaro, but he wasn't sure of where exactly he was. Then he noticed the fact that to his right, all the trees, for a long distance, were collapsed in on themselves, cut down by wind.

That's right, he thought. This is where Shikamaru fought that Sound Four girl. Tayuya, or something. He moved into the field of fallen trees, heading toward the sound. He stopped when the sound got clearer. It was a girls voice, and he automatically knew it was that Tayuya girl.

An enemy who had helped Sasuke leave, and that tried to kill his friend Shikamaru. He growled a bit, feeling his anger boil up a bit, but he surpressed it. He made his way closer, going a long way around, so that he came up from the side, and slightly back. What he saw made his anger fade, to be replaced by pity.

The girl was trapped. She was within a pile of the sliced up tree trunks. She was on her back on top of one, with another settled on top of her legs, and more on top of that one. Her left arm hung limply at her side, her right hand pressed against the tree on top of her as she tried desperately to get out from under it.

She was trying not to cry out in pain as she attempted to get out from under the tree, and despite himself, he felt sorry for her. She was in an enormous amount of pain, anable to do anything, and there was nobody to help her. Upon realizing this, his mind went back to when he was younger, and he was beaten and left for dead by some villagers.

He decided then, that despite being an enemy, she didn't deserve to suffer like this. So he approached slowly, trying not to make too much noise. How she had survived out here for two whole days like this, he'd never know. As he neared, she stiffened, apparently having heard him. He was surprised when she laid down, looking at him upside down.

No, glaring at him. "Well, get it over with." He paused, confused. "Get...what over with?" She growled in response. "Don't play dumb with me! Your a leaf village ninja, aren't you! Just hurry the fuck up and kill me, and be done with it!" He blinked several times, startled. He hadn't expected her to curse at him like that.

"I'm not going to kill you, I'm going to help you." She laughed at that, and flipped him off with her good hand. "Fuck you, shithead. There is no way you are here to help me. You're gonna walk over here, slit my fucking throat, and leave me here till some cleanup team gets here. Now stop dicking around and get it over with, my legs fucking hurt!"

Naruto had never before met someone who had this foul of a mouth. Oddly, he found it funny, and grinned. "You have a really filthy mouth, Tayuya-chan." The next thing he knew, there was a whistling sound as something silver flashed through the air, and then pain erupted from his nose.

He whipped his hands to his now bloody nose, eyes watering. "Oh, Kami, that hurts worse than Sakura-chan hitting me! What was that about? And what did you hit me with!" Through his tears, he saw her glaring hatefully at him. "It's Tayuya! JUST Tayuya, got that! Don't call me Tayuya-chan like you know me, you limp-dicked midget!"

Naruto would have responded, but he saw what she'd hit him with off to the side. It was half of a flute that had been sliced clean through. Wait, a flute?

"A FLUTE! You hit me with a FLUTE! Who hits a person in the face with a flute! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? I try to help and you attack me with a flute! This is just-" The only other option being to listen to his annoying voice ranting at her, Tayuya began looking for something sharp to kill herself with.

The way she saw it, she's was dead anyway. Either he'd leave her alone and she'd die slowly and in pain, he'd come over and slit her throat, or she could end it herself. She didn't like the idea of a slow and painful death, and she wasn't willing to wait for him to shut up and kill her. She stretched out painfully, grabbing the other half of her flute.

It had been sliced diagonally, so it had a nice, sharp point to it. Perfect. She could ram it into her heart with little trouble. Kind of ironic, being killed by your own weapon. Especially when that weapon was a flute...she hated irony.

She held it over her chest, right above her heart, and was about to strike down when the flute was knocked from her hand by a kunai. "Fuck! You fucking shithead asshole! What, you want the glory of killing a crippled kunoichi yourself, you jumpsuit faggot!"

Naruto was actually a bit irritated now. He'd just stopped her from killing herself, and yet again, she verbally abuses him. "Listen, I'm not going to kill you. I'm going to get the tree off you, and take you back to my village so that you can be treated at the hospital."

She just stared at him for a moment, and for a moment, he thought she'd realized he really meant to help her. Then she burst out laughing, and bitterly. "Oh, I see now! You want to take me back to your village, so they can torture me for information about Orochimaru! Well fuck you, I'm not exactly keen on torture, quill-ass!"

He was about to tell her off for what she was saying, when he paused. "Wait...what? Quill-ass? I don't get it...midget because I'm short, jumpsuit because of my clothes...I just don't get the quill-ass comment."

It was official. Tayuya was now convinced she was speaking with an idiot. "Your hair, dipshit. Your spiky hair looks like a porcupines ass. I thought that was obvious." Naruto ran a hand through his unruly hair, thinking about that, then gave that goofy grin. "Heh, I guess you are right. Your pretty clever with those insults, Tayuya-chan!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT THE '-CHAN,' SHITHEAD!"

Naruto was actually laughing as he dove behind a felled tree to avoid the rocks and branches that Tayuya was throwing at him. It was strange that he was enjoying being attacked. Then again, it didn't hurt, and it was kind of funny, watching her explode like that. Even more odd, her calling him shithead made him laugh.

When the barrage stopped, he snickered a bit, and peeked around the tree, and let out a rather high-pitched scream as the other half of the flute buried itself into the tree inches from his face. "Dammit! Pulled the fucker to the left..." He came around the tree, pointing at her. "You, you...you tried to kill me!"

She rolled her eyes. "Really? Figured that out, did you? Wow, you must be a fucking genius to have realized that." She began clapping mockingly, whcih was awkward, since one arm was broken. It looked like she was slapping her hand, almost. It made him crack up laughing, and she growled at him.

"That's right, laugh at the cripple. Are all leaf ninja like you, cruel like this?" Naruto was startled by this, and shut up. "What? Cruel? What are you talking about?" She looked at him with disgust. "What the fuck do you think? Laughing at me, attempting to trick me into thinking you want to help me...you are fucking sick."

Naruto frowned a bit at that. This wasn't right. How could someone end up like her? Foulmouthed, rude, and completely jaded. It seemed she couldn't believe anyone would help her. He shook his head sadly, and walked toward her. "Alright, time to get this over with."

She flinched at his words. I knew it. I knew he wouldn't help me.Despite her words, she'd allowed herself, just a little, to start to hope he really would help her. As he approached, she closed her eyes, preparing for the kunai to cut her throat or plunge into her chest.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Tayuya's eyes flew open in shock to see several clones of the boy. "What! So, what, are each of you gonna stab me or something, you fucking asshole!" Naruto suddenly glared at her. "Shut up and watch." The commanding tone caught her off guard, and she shut her mouth.

The shadow clones positioned themselves around the tree on top of her, and moved together to try and get it off her. Working together, it wasn't hard, and she was soon free from the trees. Once done, Naruto dispelled his clones. He then smiled down at her. "There, see? Now I can get you out of here."

At first, for just a brief moment, she was grateful. Then she narrowed her eyes. "So, what? Now your gonna take me to your village, right? Get me 'medical attention?' Then what? They'll just let me go?"

He paused. "Would you return to Orochimaru if they did?" That caught her off guard. She didn't even need to think about it though. "No...he's not a big fan of people who fail him." His response was to grin. "Then in the end, I think everything will be fine."

She sighed heavily. "What is with you? You're so damn optimistic. People aren't as nice as you seem to think, dipshit." He blinked then, and she gave him an odd look. "What? What is it, shithead? Did I say something?"

He shook his head, then smiled. "You went ten whole sentences without saying the 'F' word." She stared straight at him, then sighed. "You, shithead, are a fucking dumb-ass." He sighed a bit. "Man, you were doing so good." She raised an eyebrow. "Eat me."

He seemed confused by that, and she found it kind of funny. Hell, it was cute. HE was cute. But as far as she could tell, he was a complete idiot. And honestly, she wanted nothing to do with him. "Just...get me to your hospital, shithead." He crossed his arms, frowning. "I have a name, you know, and it's not 'shithead.' It's Naruto."

She raised an eyebrow. "Naruto? Stupid name. Then again, I suppose it fits you." He growled a bit, and it startled her. It sounded animalistic. "Listen here, Tayuya-CHAN, my name is Naruto Uzumaki, and someday, I'm going to be Hokage, so you had better start showing me respect!" Instead, she started laughing at him.

She heard the growl again, and looked up in time to see Naruto leap away, disappearing. She sat up a bit, propping herself up on her good arm, looking around. "Hey, shithead! Get back here!" There was no answer, and suddenly, she felt fear. "H-hey! Come on, shithead, I was kidding! Come back here and help me!"

There was still no answer, and her heart started to race. Stupid, stupid, stupid! That dumb-ass was actually wanting to help and you fucking chased him off! Good job, you stupid fucking bitch! "Please, don't leave me here to die!"

"Calm down already, jeez. I just went to get some branches and vines to make splints for your legs. I'm not going to leave you, I promise." She laid her head back down as he came back into view, trying to calm herself. She was relieved, but also pissed off. Pissed that he'd scared her, but even more so that she'd shown weakness to this idiot.

She just laid there as she felt him putting the splints on her legs, and on her arm. Once done, he looked her in the eyes. "Alright, I'm going to pick you up and carry you back, and I'll try and be as careful as I can, but it's gonna hurt a bit."

She just took a deep breath, and shook her head. "Whatever. Just hurry your ass up." Naruto sighed, and gently picked her up. He was right, it hurt a bit, but he was surprisingly gentle. She was glad he wasn't paying attention to her face, as she was blushing a bit. She wasn't used to people being...nice.

They went on in silence for awhile, before Tayuya finally spoke. "Hey, shithead." He glanced down at her. "I told you, it's Naruto." She shook her head. "To me, you are shithead. I call people what I want to call them." He sighed, and nodded, realizing he'd never get her to call him by his name. "What is it?"

She gave no answer for a moment, long enough for Naruto to get impatient. "Well?" She glanced up to his face. "Don't disappoint me." He stopped moving, and looked down at her, confused. "What?" She sighed, hating that she had to explain herself.

"I'm willing to consider that you might actually be a nice guy. Though I think it's more likely that you are just stupid. Point is, don't disappoint me. I'm forcing myself to try and trust you, so don't fuck it up. But you probably will, big a dumb-ass as you are."

He stared for a moment, then kept going toward the village. He then smiled a little. "I'm glad you are willing to trust me. Well, try. Either way, I'm glad. And if I can help it, I won't let anyone hurt you, alright?"

She shook her head slowly. "I don't get it. I helped that Sasuke guy leave. I tried to kill the Nara kid. I fucking worked for Orochimaru and helped put up the barrier that trapped your former Hokage with Orochimaru. Why are you helping me?"

Naruto sighed sadly. "Because they were Orochimaru's orders. I'd follow any orders given by my Hokage, so I can't hold it against you, especially when your Kage would kill you. But mostly, I'm helping you because you needed it. There is no better reason to help."

He stopped then, which distracted her from her thoughts on what he said. He gently laid her down on the ground, and sat down. He then created a shadow clone, which continued on to the village quickly. "Shithead, what are you doing?"

He just grinned. "I can't exactly carry you in. I'll need to sneak you in. And there is only one person who I'll trust to fix your legs. She'll come out here, or help me sneak you in there. My clone will explain everything to here, but she'll still probably want answers."

Tayuya just shook her head. "I can't believe my life is in your hands. It's a nightmare." He glared. "Quiet. I don't think you should complain. I could leave you here right now to die." She froze, and he sighed. "Relax...I wouldn't do that. I was kidding."

His head jerked back when she punched him in the face with her good arm. "Don't joke like that, dammit! Fucking...scare the shit out of me, shithead. Fuck..." Naruto gritted his teeth, then sighed again. "That...really hurt." She growled a bit. "Good! Fucking...jeez, don't do that!"

He just looked at her for a moment, then smiled sadly. "Sorry, Tayuya-chan." He managed to catch the fist that time, and she growled again. "Would you STOP with the '-chan' shit?" He just grinned. "No. Anyway, baachan should be here soon to help." She blinked. "Your grandmother?" Surprisingly, he laughed.

"No, she's not really my grandma. I just call her that, cause she's old enough. But also, it annoys her. We are rather close though." And then, she arrived. "Brat!" He looked up to see his own clone flying at him. He barely dodged, and the clone slammed into a tree and dispelled.

Tayuya blinked, then turned to the approaching woman, and freaked out. "What! The HOKAGE! Are you fucking insane! She'll tear me apart!" Naruto just blinked. "No she won't." Tayuya glared at him, fear showing in her eyes. "Oh? And what the fuck makes you say that!" He just smiled. "Because I won't let her, Tayuya-chan."

For once, she didn't try and hit him.

Post-chapter A/N: Alright. I hope you guys like this first chapter, I know I do.