|Remus Lupin and the Sexually Confused OC
Author: Memories Left Abandoned PM
Remus is in the library. So is Sirius. Enter Sarah Cook, the author's perfect OC. Parody, Remus/Sirius.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Remus L. & Sirius B. - Words: 1,142 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 9 - Published: 08-14-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5301346
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: So I've noticed that the most popular HP story I've written is Rebellion, the Remus/Sirius parody I did. And, in the spirit of that, I did another parody, which I think is funnier than the first (Rebellion was never my favorite ever.) Enjoy!
Remus Lupin sits in the library, as he usually does, because apparently he has nothing better to do than study. Sirius Black sits a chair away, separated by the numerous essays beside Remus and looking incredibly bored, because apparently he has nothing better to do than bother Remus and not study. James and Peter are nowhere to be found, because apparently the Marauders frequently split into groups to do their studying.
Remus sighs with evident relief as he finishes the essay he had been writing. He waits a moment or two for the ink to dry, then sets it on top of the pile beside him. Sirius looks at him expectantly.
"One more," Remus answers his unspoken question.
"What do you mean, one more?" whines Sirius, glaring at the essays. "We're in all the same classes and you always have a hundred more than I do, Moooon(e)y!" (The 'e' is optional, depending on the time of the day and how much sugar Sirius has consumed).
Remus shrugs. "Either you're incredibly smart and you already did them all, or you're incredibly lazy and don't do them until the very last night before they're due. I'm guessing the second one, but why would you waste all that time?"
Sirius shrugs too. "I don't know."
Remus begins on his final essay and writes for a long while without looking up. Sirius, however, is looking everywhere but at Remus.
Enter: extremely random, but completely perfect, original character.
Her name? Sarah Cook. It's fairly American—hell, why don't we make her American? She transferred this exact year, we'll say—and probably not popular in that time period, but that's unimportant to the story. Her age? We'll put in her in sixth year, a year ahead of Remus and Sirius. Her House? Hm. Ravenclaw, perhaps? Although Slytherin might be interesting…eh. Ravenclaw it is. Description? She has long—mid-back length—brunette hair, usually in a perfectly curled half-ponytail, but today it's entirely down. She has blue eyes and thin glasses, managing to look both beautiful and intelligent. Her large breasts—which, by the way, are perfectly proportionate to her supermodel-thin body—precede her everywhere. All in all, she's probably the most gorgeous, most intelligent—and most untouchable—girl in her year. It's a known fact that, although half the straight guys at Hogwarts have asked her out, she's rejected every single one, and the popular rumor is that she's either lusting after one particular guy or she's a lesbian. The latter is the more popular way of thinking.
Anyway. She enters the library and adjusts her glasses, making every single guy—except Remus, who's still working on his essay, but including Sirius, since he's not focused anyway—look twice. She spots Remus and Sirius in the corner and heads over to that part of the library. Sirius blinks once at her then continues looking around randomly. Remus still hasn't seen her.
She feigns searching for a book, all the while looking over to see if Remus has seen her yet. When it's been five full minutes, she frowns and finally heads over to him.
"Excuse me. It's Remus, right?"
He finally looks up. "Yes. Can I help you?"
"Oh, yes." She blushes furiously. "I was just wondering if you could help me find the book Most Potente Potions. I've looked everywhere, and I just can't seem to find it…"
He looks up. "I'm pretty sure it's in the Restricted section. Why do you need it?"
"Oh!" She manages to look embarrassed. "Someone in my dorm said something about it…He probably thought it would be important to the plot or ironic because of some other story or something."
"Right," agreed Remus. "Well, sorry I couldn't help you more." He tries to return to the essay.
"Actually." She sits down, and looks at him over the top of her glasses. "I need help in another department."
"I'd be glad to, another time," he answers distractedly. "I'm really trying to get this essay written."
"The essay can wait," she says impatiently. "I'm much more important to the plot of this story, and the author cares a lot more about me, which means you'll put your quill down in the next sentence!"
He sighs and puts it down, and she smirks victoriously. "You're right, this plot probably has something to do with you or you wouldn't be here. What can I do for you?"
"My problem," she admits, "is in the dating area."
"I don't know if I'll be able to help you there," he says. "I've never really been an expert there."
Beside him, Sirius snorts, since the author—and probably the reader—has nearly forgotten about him. He just wants to make his presence known.
"You misunderstand," she says. "I have my eye on one guy in particular."
"Oh. So the majority of Hogwarts is wrong about your sexuality?" he asked.
She sighs in frustration. "Yeah. Just because I turned down James Potter…"
"You are the only girl he's ever asked out beside Lily Evans," Remus points out.
"Alright, I'm going to make this quick and easy," she says, her patience wearing thin. "Will you go out with me?"
"I should have known," sighs Remus. "All that crap about your sexuality before you approached me should have given it away."
"What?" she asks in confusion.
"Nothing," he answers quickly. "I don't know how to break this to you, but…ah. How to put this nicely?"
"He's gay," provides Sirius, and Remus shoots him a small smile of appreciation.
"You're gay?!" she repeats, a question and an exclamation (because a question mark/exclamation point combination is so much cooler than just one or the other and she knows it.)
"I am," he clarifies.
"So am I," says Sirius with a shrug, surrounded by the air of one commenting on the weather. "Actually, we're gay together."
"So let me get this straight," says Sarah, rubbing her eyes. "You, Remus Lupin, are with him, Sirius Black, in a homosexual relationship."
"That pretty much sums it up," answers Remus.
She stands. "I can't believe the fucking author set me up! That bitch!" She storms off, but not before grabbing a random girl and snogging her senseless.
Evidently the majority of Hogwarts is right about her sexuality.