|GI Joe: The Rise of CGI
Author: Asterisk78 PM
When a movie cries for a parody, it is my mandate to provide it. The shocking finale: Mary Sues kick the bucket, fanon children attack, and the ever-popular out-of-character Storm Shadow makes an appearance.Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 22,479 - Reviews: 96 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 02-25-10 - Published: 08-22-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5324402
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Storm Shadow crouched in a blind on the edge of the hotel parking lot, watching as the polar bear sniffed at a car. "You know, Snakes, I feel kind of bad about shooting an endangered species," he whispered.
This is the future, remember? The Arctic might not even exist anymore, Snake Eyes said.
"Then this would be equivalent to going back in time and killing Martha the passenger pigeon," Storm Shadow said.
By the time Martha died, there was only one passenger pigeon left anyway. The species was already functionally extinct, Snake Eyes said.
"But there might be other polar bears out there," Storm Shadow said. "This isn't like killing a squirrel or something. This is serious."
"Hello, my brothers. What are you searching for?"
Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes turned around. There, standing behind them, was a young woman who was both shockingly lovely and unspeakably annoying. She gazed at them with an expression that was probably meant to look wise, but instead turned out smug with a side of patronization.
"I see that you don't recognize me. I am Cunégonde, a female ninja who trained at the Arashikage Temple with you," she said.
Storm Shadow smiled wryly. "Funny, I don't remember you…maybe because I lived at the Arashikage dojo."
"That's impossible. You've known me all my life. You and Snake Eyes both loved me," Cunégonde said. "In fact, Storm Shadow, you're still obsessed with me."
"You've got the wrong guy," Storm Shadow said. "I remember who I stalk…isn't that right, Snake Eyes?"
Unfortunately, it's all too true.
"No. I can make you act however I want. You're in my story, and I want Storm Shadow to be an evil stalker, and Snake Eyes to be a ridiculously romantic hottie!" Cunégonde snarled.
"You can't just change our personalities because you want to. That defeats the point of fanfiction," Storm Shadow said. "Otherwise, you're just writing original fiction with plagiarized names."
"But, but, it's my story!" Cunégonde said. "Can't I just write what I want?"
Not on a fanfiction site, Snake Eyes said. Now, perhaps you'd like to test your ninja skills against mine?
Duke and the Baroness sat in a submarine, speeding through the underwater maze that surrounded the Cobra base.
"You know, Duke, for all the suspense they built up for this part of the movie, I can't say that it was particularly interesting," Ana said.
"No, not really," Duke said. "Besides, it's already been established that this entire action scene is pretty much a copy of Star Wars, so I don't really see any reason to spend a lot of time on it."
"Then let's not," Ana said.
After Cunégonde had been dispatched, Snake Eyes turned back to Storm Shadow. Now, about that bear…
"While you were kicking the Ninja!Sue's can, some guy killed the polar bear," Storm Shadow said.
"With a sword," Storm Shadow replied. "I've been watching him for a while now. He's got some girl with him, who he keeps letting escape."
I hate watching inept kidnappers, Snake Eyes said.
"This one is different," Storm Shadow said.
"Well, it's a little hard to tell from here, but he looks a lot like me," Storm Shadow replied.
Snake Eyes frowned.
"I think he's a Gary Stu of some kind," Storm Shadow said. "And the girl appears to be a Sue who thinks she's very sarcastic and edgy, yet only manages to make herself look angry and immature."
What are they saying?
"Well, given that the polar bear is no longer a threat, there's nothing to stop us from just going over and finding out," Storm Shadow said. With that, he stood up and started walking.
Ripcord, freed from the bowels of the Night Raven, conveniently ended up on the lawn of the White House. Canon breathed a sigh of relief: finally, the paratrooper was using a parachute. Then, of course, he was arrested by the police because the Joes had apparently forgotten to let the United States know that their airspace was about to be violated.
"Why are you holding me here? What have I done?" the girl sobbed, eyes furious and angry and accusing.
The man in white just stared at her, impassive.
"I bet you're stupid. You're just hired muscle," the girl snarled.
The man's eyes widened, as though the girl's remark had hurt him, but as passively as a piece of cardboard, he pushed through the "pain."
Storm Shadow, who sat on a nearby car watching his Stu alter-ego, choked back a laugh. "He's so pathetically thin-skinned…do you think I have a thin skin, Snake Eyes?"
Actually, I believe you have the opposite problem.
"Then where is she getting him?" Storm Shadow asked.
I'm not precisely sure. What I want to know is why Robot!Storm Shadow hasn't just knocked her out yet.
"He does seem to have some difficulty hanging on to her, doesn't he," Storm Shadow remarked.
Just then, the girl bolted. Again. Robot!Storm Shadow, true to form, ran after her. Despite his ninja training, years of conditioning, and general athletic talent, the girl outran him.
With a broken foot.
It's like watching a toddler with a balloon, Snake Eyes said.
"Care to expound on that?" Storm Shadow asked, watching with obvious amusement as Robot!Storm Shadow ran frantically after the Sue.
Every time the thing gets away, I can't help but wonder if there's a temper tantrum right around the corner, Snake Eyes replied.
Storm Shadow nodded. "Well, the amusement is beginning to wear off...what do you say we go back to the room and get ready to leave?"
"The Sues are here already. I think if we can put some distance between us and this hotel, life will get a lot easier," Storm Shadow said.
There are even more of them back at the Pit. I'm not sure I want to go back quite yet.
"Wait. You let Sues into the Pit? What was Hawk thinking?" Storm Shadow asked.
Most of them are his nieces. He can't say no.
"Well, that's certainly a pity," Storm Shadow said. "We'll find somewhere that's Sue-free. Meanwhile, I have a room to check out of-"
And that's when the fanon babies arrived.
"Precious, who wouldst have thought that we would ends up in giant plexiglass toilet paper rolls?" muttered the Doctor.
"I'm not sure how it happened myself," Destro admitted. "It's not going to keep Zartan and the Baroness out for very long, that's for sure."
"Shuts up, Destro. That is a sssssssspoiler," the Doctor hissed.
"No, it's kind of obvious. I mean, if we don't break out of jail, who are the Joes going to fight in the next movie?" Destro asked.
The Doctor was silent for a moment. "I suppose you is right, Destro. Now, all we has to do is wait."
"Of course, Commander Cobra."
Rex turned furiously on Destro. "Whats did you call me?"
"Commander Cobra. I liked it better than Cobra Commander."
"It soundses like a cartoon character who sells cereal or something," the Doctor snarled. "Besides, you cants just go and change canon. My name is Cobra Commander for a good reason."
"We both work for the Cobra. It's founded on my company. Shouldn't I have a say in this?" McCullen asked.
"No. I is the Cobra Commander, and I commands Cobra. Notice how there is no article in front of 'Cobra.' Thinks of it like an acronym if it helpses you." The Doctor turned away from Destro. "Stupid subordinatesssss."
Destro felt the sudden urge to bash his head against the plexiglass wall of his cell. How had his brilliant plan come to this?
Storm Shadow looked down skeptically at the group of five-year-olds who gathered around him. "Where are your parents?"
"They're off fighting Cobra," said one, a little girl with huge blue eyes and dark curls.
"Okay…then why are you bugging me?" Storm Shadow asked.
"Because you hurt my mommy, and now I'm going to hurt you!" the girl said, hurling herself at him.
"Maybe you could tell me your mother's name."
Storm Shadow considered this for a moment. "Did your mother ever tell you that I have a strict code of honor that doesn't allow me to hurt innocents?"
"No," the girl said.
"That's too bad," Storm Shadow said. "It would have saved you the trouble of coming here, and me the trouble of having to detach you from my leg."
"Yeah, I came all the way from the Pit," the girl said.
Storm Shadow frowned. "They're letting a little kid live in a super-secret military base?"
The girl nodded.
Storm Shadow looked up, puzzled. "What was that?"
The author just headdesked, Snake Eyes explained.
"And there goes the fourth wall," Storm Shadow said.
"So, Ana, how long are you going to be in here?" Duke asked, looking around the women's mental correctional institute.
"You know, that's a very pretentious name for a loony bin," Ana said. "And I'm going to be in this place for years: that's what happens to people who blow up Paris, Duke. They go to jail. For a long, long time."
"So, you won't be joining GI Joe?" Duke asked.
"Not until my sentence is up and they get the nanomites out of my head," Ana replied.
"Well, there go all those speculative GI Joe: The Stupid Sequel fics," Duke said.
"They knew the risks when they wrote it," Ana said. "Besides, they always pair me with you, which will probably never happen in a million years."
"Why?" Duke asked.
"Because, even though the canon was tied up and hidden in a broom closet for most of the movie, the Baroness and Destro romance has – and always will be – a key component of GI Joe. They can't break me up with McCullen any more than they could make Snake Eyes talk," Ana said. "Now, what were you saying about coming to visit me?"
"That does it. We're going." Storm Shadow stormed about the room, throwing together his things as Snake Eyes watched.
Hey, a pun!
"I know the fourth wall is broken, but you don't have to keep compounding the damage," Storm Shadow said stormily.
You know these are getting really terrible…
"Beyond the shadow of a doubt, these are some of the most awful puns I've ever heard," Storm Shadow said.
Was that another one?
Storm Shadow glared at Snake Eyes. "Let's get to the car."
As Storm Shadow headed for the rental, Snake Eyes stopped him. You have to check out, don't you?
"Unfortunately, you're right," Storm Shadow said. "Look, take the keys. I'll be back in a minute." Ditching his duffel bag on the ground, Storm Shadow strode off in the direction of the hotel office.
Snake Eyes picked up the duffel and began heading to the car, scanning the parking lot for Sues. As he reached the car, he noticed that Storm Shadow was standing by it. Snake Eyes frowned; there was no way Storm Shadow could have gotten done that fast.
As Snake Eyes approached the car, Storm Shadow turned on him. "So, my brother, we meet again," he hissed.
Actually, it hasn't been that long, Snake Eyes replied, heading for the driver's side door.
"Stop right there!" Storm Shadow drew a gun, and pulled a small, limp figure from behind his back. "If you don't, I'll kill this baby!"
The members of GI Joe walked down the center of the Pit. There was "witty" dialogue exchanged, a light joke or two, and the promise of a sequel.
Why, Hollywood, why?!
Snake Eyes looked suspiciously at the man standing in front of him. You do realize that's a Cabbage Patch doll, don't you?
"I'm depraved! I'm evil! I'll kill it!" Storm Shadow snarled.
Go on ahead.
"You don't know how desperate I am!" Evil!Storm Shadow cried.
You're trying to shoot a doll. I don't think I can even fathom how desperate you are.
"I have nothing to lose. Don't even try to stop-"
Then, almost faster than the human eye could grasp, a white-fletched arrow whistled through the air and into the side of Evil!Storm Shadow's head. He gasped, and fell to the ground.
"Dang, I hate it when evil characters do stupid, melodramatic things," said the real Storm Shadow, walking over to where Snake Eyes stood. "Come on, let's get out of here."
"Wait!" Evil!Storm Shadow said. "I have an evil villain monologue to deliver."
With all due respect, why aren't you dead?
"That doesn't matter. What does matter is that I've wired this whole hotel to blow up when I die," Evil!Storm Shadow snarled. "Everyone will die."
"That the hotel is full of Sues and out-of-character travesties," Storm Shadow said. "Blowing it up would be more of a blessing than a curse. Also, this makes for a great buddy cop ending, where Snake Eyes and I drive away from a building in flames, have a little redemptive moment, and then share a witty bromantic joke as we drive into the sunset."
"Way to fulfill the trope," Evil!Storm Shadow snarled. With that, he pulled out a detonator, and set it off as he breathed his last.
"Wait, that was a trope too!" Storm Shadow said.
It doesn't matter. Let's just leave.
Both men climbed into the car. When they'd gotten out of the parking lot and started out onto the road, Storm Shadow turned to Snake Eyes.
"You know, this would be a great time for our redemptive moment," he said.
What did you have in mind?
"I think you know," Storm Shadow said.
Tommy, even though you killed the Hard Master, I've realized that it was a moment of weakness and that you're actually a pretty cool person. I forgive you.
Storm Shadow braked hard and wrenched the car to the side of the road. "You'd better get out before I hurt you."
Why?! We just had our touching redemptive moment!
"Because I didn't kill the Hard Master. You were supposed to apologize for doubting me all those years. Don't you remember? I told you right before you killed me," Storm Shadow snapped.
They cut that scene! Snake Eyes replied.
"Would it kill you to read the Wikipedia article and see that I'm usually framed for the Hard Master's death?" Storm Shadow asked.
But, this is the movie, so it's okay—
"If you think I look sympathetic, you'd better get your eyes checked," Storm Shadow said. "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."
Snake Eyes opened the door and stepped outside. He slammed it shut, and Storm Shadow drove off into the distance. Snake Eyes sat down on a nearby bench and waited. With his luck, a gorgeous young rebel with a Ferrari and purple eyes would be here to pick him up at any minute.