|A Road to El Dorado Parody
Author: meggannn PM
What in the name of all things sexually ambiguous is this?Rated: Fiction T - English - Parody/Humor - Miguel & Tulio - Words: 7,878 - Reviews: 90 - Favs: 231 - Follows: 13 - Published: 08-27-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5336125
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A Road to El Dorado Parody
ELTON JOHN: Once upon a time there were these colorful deities hanging out in their version of Heaven or whatever and they made a city of gold so that the people living there would take money for granted and there was also some prophecy about gods living among them or something but this song gets annoying after the first chorus anyway and we'll cut that out so that nobody in the audience will understand why the people of El Dorado are so gullible when the plot shows up and can I have my paycheck now?
[SPAIN, 1519, SINCE KIDS REALLY CARE ABOUT HISTORICAL TIMELINES]
CORTÉS: All right, crew, let's blow this Popsicle stand. *ANIMAL ABUSE*
AUDIENCE: OMG WTF HORSEY!
CORTÉS: I throw my goblet at the wall emphatically!
THE POSTER: *is wet*
THE PICTURES: *are not flattering*
THIS SCENE: *was pointless*
[SOME ALLEY SOMEWHERE]
TULIO & MIGUEL: LOL CRIME
ZARAGOZA (because for some reason Ted & Terry decided to give this guy a name): Fuck.
MIGUEL & TULIO: We dance and sing and have joyful, sexually ambiguous merriment in your face.
ZARAGOZA: Shut up and roll the frigging dice.
TULIO: But you has no more money to swindle!
ZARAGOZA: Apparently a sketchy map based off of a legend about a city of gold in the mysterious New World is worth more than your silly money. *obviously broke*
TULIO: We're not interested.
MIGUEL: Speak for yourself, mate. *swipes*
MIGUEL: Don't be such a stinge.
TULIO: *argued skepticism*
MIGUEL: But this could be our fate! You're tampering with the plot!
TULIO: Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded plot points.
MIGUEL: *uses the cheapest trick in the book*
TULIO: (I told you not to use that face outside the bedroom.) NO.
ZARAGOZA: I'm still here yaknow.
TULIO: Sorry about that, we couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome we are.
ZARAGOZA: Whatever. Is it a bet or not?
MIGUEL: *peer pressure*
TULIO: I accept for no adequately explored reason.
ZARAGOZA: Since I don't trust you or your cheap dice, I'm making you use mine.
TULIO: …Fine. (GODDAMMIT MIGUEL, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.)
[Miguel is busy being awesome with his mandolin as Tulio grumbles about life, shakes the dice, and stinges around some more before rolling.]
MIGUEL: *bites lip*
ZARAGOZA & CO.: *thinking* Aw shit, these guys are the protagonists in this movie, aren't they? And despite their criminal status, they automatically beat every obstacle that comes their way. OOPS.
THE SCENE: *is dramatic*
AUDIENCE: I'm sorry, why should we care?
TED & TERRY: It's a future plot point, now shut up.
[The dice roll to a seven and there is a large "OHH!"like gasp as Tulio opens his eyes and cheers because he didn't think they could win without cheating. Miguel grabs the map as Zaragoza falls to his knees and wangsts. Tulio decides to rub it in his face some more so he leans forward to collect the money teasingly when his own dice fall out.]
ZARAZOZA: I POUND THE GROUND EMPHATICALLY.
[So emphatically that it shakes the camera. Somehow, after doing this about five times, he is finally convinced that they were cheating since the dice keep landing on seven, even though he probably would have realized that during the actual game if he had actually been paying any attention.]
ZARAZOZA: RAAAH I KNEW IT.
TULIO: *grabs at dice*
MIGUEL: *suspenseful music*
ZARAZOZA: YOUR DICE ARE LOADED, CHEATERS.
[There is grumbling and threatening sounds from the surrounding crowd because they are clearly as stupid as their leader and did not notice something fishy about these two hooliganss before now.]
MIGUEL: *busy being awesome with the mandolin*
AUDIENCE: LOL. WE FORGET WHAT THAT BLONDE GUY'S NAME IS, BUT HE'S AUTOMATICALLY OUR FAVORITE.
TULIO: *pointing accusing finger at Miguel* You gave me loaded dice…?
[Tulio starts to circle around in a Final Showdown kind of move when his face slams into something. He peels his skin off of the metal with one of those classic cartoony sounds, and looks up to see a Spanish guard with a French moustache looking down at him.]
GUARD: I FROWN UPON YOUR SHENANIGANS. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY.
TULIO: HE GAVE ME LOADED DICE!
[I'm sorry, but that line is too great to mess with.]
TULIO: I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Arrest him now plzkthx.
MIGUEL: NO U. *shove*
[An argument between Miguel and Tulio ensues. Miguel whips out a sword, because somehow, his mandolin has turned invisible.]
TULIO: I shall give you the honor of a quick and painless DEATH. *whips out a dagger* Oopsie. Not with that. *replaces the dagger and swipes another sword*
NOTHING: *is funnier than that line*
[They start fighting as everybody sits around and watches because the guards and Zaragoza and Co. have apparently forgotten that they had beef with these two and are now enjoying watching them kick the crap out of each other. Miguel and Tulio, meanwhile, are grinning like idiots and frolicking about while shouting loving endearments and patronizing teasings to each other, accompanied by loud obnoxious "HA HA HA!"s. Eventually they end up on a roof.]
TULIO: Whoops, slipped on an icecube.
[Their audience cheers for some reason as Miguel helps Tulio up. There is a brief moment of WTFery before the spectators realize that they have been punked. Now that's what I call pwnage.]
TULIO: So we've decided it's a tie, ladies and gents. LOL AT U.
MIGUEL: *chucks swords back at the guards* Enjoy the rest of the movie!
[They scamper off into an alley, leaving the guards/Zaragaza/etc steaming behind them. Miguel and Tulio congratulate each other on the other's win when ALL OF A SUDDEN]
SOME RANDOM BULL: O HAY PAY ATTENTION TO ME :O
TULIO: You had to get rid of those swords, didn't you?
MIGUEL: Like it's my fault we needed them in the first place.
TULIO: Whatever. Listen closely, I've got a plan. You pet the bloodthirsty beast, and I'll get the hell out of here. *scampers off*
MIGUEL: GODDAMMIT TULIO.
[The bull starts chasing them around the place and as they run through the city the guards show up again, but since Tulio and Miguel are the protagonists, they manage to escape as the bull takes care of the silly law enforcement. People are chasing Tulio and Miguel now because they suddenly recognized them from their unflattering poster. Exciting Spanish music is playing in the background but none of the American kids in the audience notice and OMG Miguel and Tulio are now standing at the edge of a building and have nowhere to go but down.]
MIGUEL: Since I'm the fun, carefree one, I'll make you a bet that we will jump into those barrels down below us and everything will be hunky-dory.
TULIO: Since I'm the cynical, pessimistic one, I'll wager you two pesedas.
[They jump and conveniently land inside the barrels.]
MIGUEL: Cough it up.
TULIO: *coughs it up*
[Some guys start taking the barrels that Tulio and Miguel are now in and rolling them toward a ship on the docks. Tulio and Miguel start grumbling and "WOAH"ing, which is odd, because you'd think the sailors would have heard them. You'd also think that they would pass out from oxygen lost, being trapped inside barrels filled with water and all, but whatevs.]
TULIO: What's happening?
MIGUEL: We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.
HIS BRITISH ACCENT: *makes its appearance*
[The barrels end up on a ship. Tulio and Miguel poke out those little cork-like things in the side of the wood and water rushes out as they start gasping for air.]
FANGIRLS: OMFG LOOK AT THAT FACIAL HAIR THAT IS SO HOT.
TULIO: Okay, I've got another plan. A better one.
MIGUEL: O rly?
TULIO: On three, we jump out, rescue ourselves, and run for the docks.
MIGUEL: On three, then.
TULIO & MIGUEL: One… two… three!
TULIO: I never realized how weak I am.
MIGUEL: Note to fanfiction writers: I am not particularly muscular either.
TULIO: Let's try it again.
[They try it again.]
TULIO: Third time's the charm?
TULIO: How did I become known as the schemer if all of my plans suck so hard?
[LATER, SINCE APPARENTLY THOSE SPANISH CONMEN JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT]
TULIO: Let's try it again, just for the hell of it.
MIGUEL: *hopeful optimism*
TULIO & MIGUEL: One… two… three!
[Of course it works because otherwise this movie would've become hella boring, but omg now the ship is in the open sea and a bunch of grumpy looking sailors are glowering at them.]
TULIO: My bad.
[AFTER THEY'VE BEEN HANDCUFFED OR WHATEVER THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY'S EQUIVALENCE IS, HELL I DON'T KNOW THE PROPER WORD FOR IT]
FANGIRLS: OMFG THEY LOOK SO HOT IN CHAINS.
MIGUEL: Well eff it, it's that sourpuss from the beginning of the movie.
AUDIENCE: Oh, so he's the bad guy? Good, glad that we've cleared that up.
CORTÉS: BLAH BLAH BLAH MY CREW ARE ALL (PURE-BLOODS) CHRISTIANS BLAH BLAH I DON'T DIG (MUGGLES) STOWAWAYS BLAH BLAH FLOGGING BLAH DANIEL RADCLIFFE BLAH BLAH O BTW YOU'LL BE SLAVES IN CUBA FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES NOW GTFO.
MIGUEL: *heard none of that* Cuba! :D
TULIO: You know, your optimism is only cute inside the bedroom.
SPARROW: Damn, my pairing is showing. I should probably cover that up.
SOME FAT COOK GUY: Oh hey horsey, here are some apples, but you can't have any, okay?
AUDIENCE: *feels bad for horsey*
A PLOT POINT: *manages to fall down into the deck below and land on Miguel's tummy*
[Tulio, meanwhile, is busy headdesking. His hair is messy and their clothes looked rumpled.]
SLASH FANGIRLS: Oh, yeah.
MIGUEL: So, ah… are you done figuring out a way to get us out of here? After you explained what Cortés was actually saying, you know, I got my pretty blonde head from out of the clouds and kind of realize Cuba is Not a Good Thing, so…
TULIO: Yeah. Okay, here's what we'll do: wait until the dead of night, hijack one of those longboats, and then we get the hell out of here.
MIGUEL: Fantastic! And how do we get on deck?
TULIO: Well hell, idk, why don't you contribute something useful to the team?!
MIGUEL: Using the plot point from before, I'm sure I can think of something. C'mere, gimme a boost.
TULIO: Why am I always the one underneath?
SPARROW: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
[I'm so sorry. I had to.]
MIGUEL: Heyyy, horsey! Hey, horsey! C'mere! You want the apple? You gotta get me a prybar, first!
SPARROW: Does anybody else notice that there's a totally wasted sailor chugging down beer in the background?
TULIO: Sparrow, no one gives two craps. And Miguel, you're talking to a frigging horse!
MIGUEL: Shush! I'm sure the horsey will understand.
[Tulio whines some more and nudges his head against Miguel's bum in an effort to get him to listen, but all this does is send the fangirls into a – ]
SLASH FANGIRLS: OMFG DID HE JUST DO WHAT I THINK HE DID?!
TULIO: SHUT UP.
[Tulio secretly enjoyed it.]
TULIO: *still being sexually ambiguous* Look, there's no way this dumbass horse will know what a prybar is –
[The dumbass horse drops a pair keys down into the cell instead. They stare at it for a moment.]
TULIO: Told you.
AUDIENCE: You know, now we can't even choose which one of these guys is our favorite. They're both too hilarious.
TED & TERRY: *BAMFS*
[LATER THAT NIGHT]
[So now they're sneaking away into the rowboat and Altivo wants to come along. Apparently there are no guards taking watch.]
MIGUEL: Sorry, mate. Main characters only.
[Aww. Poor horsey is left behind while they lower the boat into the water.]
MIGUEL: Oh wait, I forgot to give him his apple. Here, toss it up! I'm sure he'll be able to catch it in his teeth or something.
[And then idek what happens here, the apple hits a mast and then bounces off a sail and then twirls around a telescope or whatever, but the horsey ends up in the water and Miguel, in my opinion, cares too much for the damn animal and goes diving after the freaking beast and leaving Tulio to man the rowboat on his own as he crashes down and then OMFG WAIT WHUT GIANT SHIP IS ABOUT TO SMUSH THEM or nevermind, it didn't, false alarm, so they pull the horsey into the rowboat, nearly killing themselves by ship-smush in the process, but somehow they live and end up in the longboat because they're protagonists. Bloody hell.]
MIGUEL: Oh dude, we rule.
TULIO: Mmmm. So did the food make it?
HORSEY: *has been having a snack*
SPARROW: GODDAMMIT HORSEY.
MIGUEL: *ray of sunshine*
THE RAIN: *is ironic*
THE SHARKS: *are numberous*
TULIO: UGH, FMLLLLLLL
[So they're rowing for ages and ages – or oiges and oiges if you wish to use the incorrect vowel – and somehow they manage to survive a giant storm in this dinky little rowboat and there's this pretty amusing scene which I suppose I should include in which a seagull lands on the end of their oar.]
SEAGULL: *COUGH HACK WHEEZE DED*
MIGUEL & TULIO & HORSEY: DINNER.
JAWS SHARK: *OMG NOM NOM BIRDIE*
EVERYONE: *let the sad times roll*
[Eh, they're talking and moaning about whose life has been more pathetic. Horsey rolls its eyes at the stupid humans while they cry moar and then Tulio declares that Miguel has "made his life an adventure" while Miguel says Tulio "made his life rich" – ]
SLASH FANGIRLS: :DDD
SPARROW: Okay, this? Has to stop.
SAND: o hay gaiz.
MIGUEL & TULIO & HORSEY: OMG YAY!
[They all start kissing the ground when ALL OVA SUDDEN!]
GIANT SKULLS: *are foreboding*
TULIO: Nevermind, I'd rather take my chances with the sharks.
MIGUEL: Wait, this place looks familiar. *pulls out the plot point from before*
TULIO: …Dude, you have got to be kidding me. You kept that stupid map?!
MIGUEL: Hey, we busted our ass for this map, so the least I could do was save it. And it paid off! This is the map to El Dorado!
TULIO: Yeah, sure, nevermind the giant foreboding skulls. Look, is my skepticism even reaching your ears, or are you too excited about shiny things to ca –
MIGUEL: DUDE. MAP. GOLD.
TULIO: Yeah, so?
MIGUEL: You were just whining about not having enough and now this map has a big red X for you to follow and you're complaining?
TULIO: You know what? I've got a new plan. We find the city of gold, take the gold, and then we go back to Spain!
MIGUEL: That's basically what I've been trying to point to, yes. Glad you're catching on.
TULIO: All right, you little smartass, so what direction do we take?
MIGUEL: That one. The, er, one that doesn't lead straight to a stone wall.
TULIO: Why are you the one leading, again?
HORSEY: *eats Tulio's bum for no reason other than comic effect*
[I shouldn't have doubted it, but of course there's a song, sung by Elton John about blazing tails and following paths and something that I wasn't really paying attention to because Miguel and Tulio's naked arses kind of distracted me – ]
SPARROW: THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR COMMENTARY.
[Right so anyway, they're following this map and Tulio's pretty skeptical the entire way, which results in him getting leeches all over his back? Or something. Monkeys steal their clothing and parents shield their kids eyes as the two men run nude through the forest. Tulio's bum gets eaten by yet another animal. There's this whole Lion King rip-off with some pretty decent animation. Aaaand then they find themselves standing in front of a giant rock.]
SETO KAIBA: OHMYGODAGIANTROCK.
YU-GI-OH ABRIDGED REFERENCE QUOTA: *has been satisfied*
TULIO: … Hey, Miguel. Looks like we've found it.
MIGUEL: Oh, is it behind the giant rock?
TULIO: Nope. It is the giant rock, apparently.
MIGUEL: But – I – adda – wibba –
TULIO: And what lesson have we learned? DON'T TRUST SKETCHY MAPS THAT YOU WIN BY CHEATING IN BACK ALLEYS. C'mon, let's go.
ALL OF A SUDDEN: *the sexy native love interest makes her appearance!*
A GREAT BIG BUNCH OF WARRIOR NATIVES: GRRRR. Come with us.
MIGUEL & TULIO: Wait, what? Oh… er, okay.
[And they follow them behind this waterfall and onto a boat, through this huge cavern for a while when dude, is that gold I see? They turn around and even the damn stupid horse mouths "EL DORADO!" because apparently it understands English/Spanish/whatever language they speak in this movie; I'm not quite sure which, 'cause it's pretty vague. Anyway, there are all these pretty and colorful and GOLD buildings and dark-skinned people (take that, Disney) wearing GOLD jewelry and dude, if I lived here I would be frolicking through this place all. the. time.]
THE MUSIC: *is… surprisingly amazing*
THE NATIVES: *are shocked*
[Meanwhile some creepy-looking guy with a bizarre nose is inside chanting and making Polyjuice Potion in front of another giant rock when his comic-relief Igor rushes in and mutters something. Creepy-looking guy with the bizarre nose smiles and then looks back up at his own giant rock, which depicts two people on a large animal with a woman holding up a sacrifice below them. Nope, this doesn't relate to the present situation at all.]
TAKAHASHI: BITCHES STOLE MY IDEAS!
YAMI: I don't mind. Nobody looks as good in a giant rock carving as I do, anyway.
THAT: *was my kudos to LittleKuriboh*
MIGUEL & TULIO: *awwwkwaaaaard*
MIGUGEL: We were better off with the ship-smush.
TULIO: Mm. Well, it was nice working with you, partner…
MIGUEL: Yeah… and btw, I'm, uh… sorry for that girl in Barcelona. Also, I borrowed your toothbrush last week.
CREEPY-LOOKING GUY WITH THE BIZARRE NOSE: Citizens! The prophecy was correct! The gods have come to us!
TULIO & MIGUEL: ???????????
CREEPY-LOOKING GUY WITH THE BIZARRE NOSE: My lords, I am Tzekel-kan, your devoted high priest.
[Whatever. To me, he'll always be the creepy guy with the bizarre nose. But just for the purposes of typing that out since copy&paste hates me, Tzekel-kan works better, so nyeah.]
SOME FAT GUY: I am Chief Tannabok. So what can we call you?
MIGUEL: M' Miguel.
TULIO: And I'm Tulio. 'Sup?
TZEKEL-KAN: Aha! I see you've captured the sexy love interest who's stolen a relic from your temple. How would you like us to punish her?
SEXY LOVE INTEREST: Oh no no no, uh, actually, I uh, was sent a vision from the gods, so I took a gift from the temple as tribute and, uh, left to guide them to the city? HELP ME OUT HERE, YOU DORKS.
TULIO: Yeah, sure, okay. Let 'er go, man.
TZEKEL-KAN: Fine. Scram, get out of here.
TANNABOK: My lords, why do you choose to visit us now?
MIGUEL: DUDE, GET OUTTA MAH FACE; DON'T BE ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS. WE WERE BACK HOME, I'D BUST A CAP IN YO ASS, HOMIE. YOU DON'T WANT ME TO UNLEASH MAH GODLY NONEXISTENT POWERS, DO YA?
TZEKEL-KAN: Well, yeah, actually, we do.
TULIO: Aha. I see. One moment, please. GODDAMMIT MIGUEL.
THE SCRIPT: *continues to be excellent*
MIGUEL: Look, I'm sorry, okay? I grew up in a bad neighborhood, my dad was an asshat, my mum didn't love me enough –
TULIO: *bicker bicker*
MIGUEL: *talks and talks*
TULIO: *BICKER BICKER BICKER*
MIGUEL: BLAH BLAH BLAH
SOME GIANT VOLCANO THAT EXISTS FOR THE PURPOSES OF NOW: *STARTS ASPLODING*
TULIO: OMFG STOP IT.
[Apparently this counts?]
MIGUEL & TULIO: Ah, screw it. *BASKS IN WONDROUS GLORY*
CITIZENS: *bow down*
TZEKEL-KAN: C'mere, we'll show you to your temple; it's got some pretty kickin' posters on the walls. See, chief? I told you.
TULIO: Psst, Miguel, I'm noticing some tension between those two.
MIGUEL: Dude, who cares right now? That's a plot point for later.
[It's interesting to note that while the fat guy is able to climb all those stairs without a sweat, Miguel and Tulio are left panting and *ded*. Then they walk inside the temple but they don't have time to enjoy it 'cause Tzekel-kan gets all up in their faces again.]
TZEKEL-KAN: I'm gonna arrange for a sacrifice in the morning, mkay? Nothing like slaughtered citizens to go with your eggs and bacon.
TANNABOK: *glower* Well, I'd like to prepare a feast for you tonight.
MIGUEL & TULIO: Uh, both sound good. You can go now.
MIGUEL: … :D
MIGUEL: DUDE, WE WIN SO HARD. I shall live to be deflowered in fanfic for years to come!
TULIO: All we have to do is load up on the gold, then get the hell out of here!
[No really, he actually says that. That line is too rare to ever see in any animated film. I treasure it.]
MIGUEL & TULIO: *busy making amusing godly poses that scream to be icon'd*
TULIO: Not five minutes in and we've already been caught?
MIGUEL: I told you your plans suck.
CHEL: Look, I want in on the scam. I'm smart and I'm sexy and I know how things run around here. You don't even really have a choice.
CHEL: *flirting shamelessly*
SLASH FANGIRLS: Wait, what's this sexy female love interest doing here? Get out of the movie, you h0r!
CHEL: Well, fine. I suppose you won't be wanting your loaded plot points back, then?
TULIO: …Okay fine, yes already.
MIGUEL: Where was she keeping them?
AUDIENCE: *has a few good ideas*
CHEL: Okay, so for starters, let's get you into your ceremonial stuff. Take off your shirts and change into them; don't mind me, I'll just be over here watching.
[I think Chel's a slash fangirl herself, come think of it. It wouldn't be surprising.]
TULIO: Look, get out of here. We have manly virtues to keep intact.
CHEL: …If you say so.
FANGIRLS: OMFG MIGUEL IS SHIRTLESS AND TULIO TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND AAAAAAAAAAAAHGOAHWF;SDFJSDFHSG
MIGUEL: Hey, that native chick is pretty hot. Think I have a chance with her?
TULIO: Doesn't matter. We're partners, remember? Don't date the sexy native love interest. We don't need a third wheel.
SLASH FANGIRLS: ;D
MIGUEL: You're right. We're supposed to be gods, anyway.
TULIO: Gods, right…
[There's this little instance here where Tulio's skirt thing slips down for half a second before he catches it, and while it may not show much, it's enough to get some people excited. I just… thought it was worthy of mentioning. Carrying on.]
MIGUEL: Come on, how hard can it be? Let's get our butts over to the festival; I'm sure things'll be fine.
[Oh, fuck it, another song. Except… this one is actually pretty catchy. Hmm. Yeah, I definitely prefer Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh over Elton John during the musical numbers; at least they sing and dance.]
GILDEROY LOCKHART: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS FESTIVAL WAS NOT THROWN IN CELEBRATION OF MY AMAZING VOICE. MY BRITISHNESS MAKES THE ENTIRE MOVIE, DAMMIT.
[Whatever. So this song has our guys singing and chugging down beer (colorfully disguised as purple liquid, and normally I'd pass it off as grape juice since it IS a kids' movie, but considering that the horsey gets pretty tipsy as well I don't think that's the case. I'm onto you, Dreamworks) while they play various pranks on the entire city that convince the citizens of their godliness. Also, Chel dances in the background, and the whole time Chief Tannabok is all "HAAAY PARTAYYYY!" It ends with Miguel and Tulio passing out.]
[THE NEXT MORNING]
MIGUEL & TULIO: *are sleeping together and being sexually ambiguous*
[These guys make some pretty amusing noises while they sleep, let me tell you.]
TZEKEL-KAN: *while sporting a disturbing new mask* OH HAY GAIZ.
MIGUEL: *clutches a pillow closer*
TULIO: This man is the definition of creeper.
[They stumble out and find that they're on some large platform that overlooks a giant whirlpool while people are cheering everywhere and WOAH look at that large bag I wonder what it's inside it has to be gold right?]
TZEKEL-KAN: TIMEZ FOR SACRIFICE.
LARGE BAG: *opens up to reveal some random citizen trapped inside*
MIGUEL: Well that's not nearly as exciting or shiny.
[Tzekel-kan is all like "TZEKEL, ANGRY! TZEKEL, SMASH!" and he's about to strike the guy down into the whirlpool before wait what's this – ?]
MIGUEL: Hold your horses, this isn't a proper tribute!
EVERYBODY: *GROUP GASP*
TZEKEL-KAN: You do not want the tribute?
MIGUEL: Well sure we do, just… it's just… Tulio, tell him.
TULIO: (GODDAMMIT MIGUEL.) Uhh… The stars are not in position for this tribute!
[At this point Tzekel-kan looks up at the sky for a moment, kind of like "Oh shit, are you serious?" which I find rather amusing, but nobody else laughed at it in the theatre, so I guess I'm alone in this.]
TANNABOK: OH HEY GUYS, look at all this shiny gold we got for you instead!
TULIO: See, now Tzekel? This guy has the right idea.
TANNABOK: Excellent. To Shebalba!
[And then they start tossing the gold down into the giant fucking whirlpool thing. Miguel and Tulio are just kind of staring at it and being useless so Chel decides that now is the time to be awesome.]
CHEL: Yeah, the gods have kind of changed their minds. They'd like to bask in it instead, so if you could just drop it off in the temple, that'd be lovely, kthx.
TANNABOK: Right-o. Oh, by the way – Tzekel, lol at chu.
TZEKEL-KAN: *has obvious evil bad guy plans*
AUDIENCE: Surely there is none more despicable than this fellow here.
[BACK AT THE BEACH]
CORTÉS: I STEP ON AND CRUSH YOUR PATHETIC SKULL EMPHATICALLY.
AUDIENCE: Well that's great, but who's the real bad guy here? I thought Cortés was like, good in the history books or something.
CORTÉS: Shut up. Now I'm going blindly follow this trail into the Mesoamerican jungle to capture two pathetic Spanish conmen when I could be wasting my time doing something useful like oh, say, discovering the new world. But I don't feel like it today, so let's go after those losers. On foot, to top it off, since they took my damn horse. Mkay, let's roll.
[BACK AT THE RANCH]
[Miguel and Tulio are having more joyful, sexually ambiguous merriment. And they're doing a little dance, which you have to admit, is hella cute.]
MIGUEL: So I dunno if you noticed, but the chief and high priest…
TULIO: …The chief and high priest what?
MIGUEL: I was just going to say they seemed pretty tense. At each other's throats and all.
TULIO: Oh. Oh, yeah, I totes agree with that. So all we really have to do is, y'know, play them against each other and we're good.
[Well that's great, but how are they getting all that gold back to Spain?]
TANNABOK: Sure, we'll build a boat for you.
[Well, that was easy.]
[CHILLING IN THE TEMPLE]
TULIO: I'm having second thoughts.
MIGUEL: Little too late for that now, mate.
MIGUEL: Oh, fine. We'll lay low.
TULIO: Good. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to… go look over… my gold.
[I'm not even kidding; he actually says that.]
CHEL: So Miguel, while Tulio's busy orgasming over that gold, it'd be totally cool if you wanted to explore the city. Don't worry, I'll cover for you.
MIGUEL: You sure?
CHEL: Yeah, of course not. I mean, what in the name of all things sexy and native could I plan on doing with you not around?
MIGUEL: Sure, I'll buy that. See you lot later. *scampers off*
TULIO: Hey so uh, where's Miguel?
CHEL: Hell if I know.
TULIO: *flips out* Miguel's gone? He's loose?! AGHAOSDHGAS;DF
CHEL: Take a chill pill, man. Oh, and do you mind if I stuff my hands down the back of your shirt? On second thought, screw it, 'cause I'm not looking for an invitation anyway.
[So she gives him a massage or something, and it's all like DAMN GIRL, GO GET SOME OF THAT! and while Tulio tries to hide his boner he suddenly jumps up.]
SLASH FANGIRLS: GET OFF HIM YOU SLUT, HE'S ALREADY TAKEN!
TULIO: Look, sweetheart, a no's a no.
CHEL: *is being sexy and native*
TULIO: Oh, hell.
CHEL: We can to has sexy tiemz nao?
TULIO: Sure, why not. I'm sure this won't eventually lead to me breaking Miguel's trust. LET'S GET IT AWWWN.
[SOMEWHERE IN THE CITY]
MIGUEL: *aimlessly wanders*
THE CITY: *is very pretty*
COLORFUL BIRDS: *fly around*
MIGUEL: Hmm. Disregarding the loony with a weird nose, the blood rituals, and the threat of being executed if we're found out, I could really learn to love this place. Even though gold is pretty redundant and useless here, which goes against our entire plan, but whatever. Oh hey, comic-relief/Igor/guard man, why's nobody outside partying in the streets?
COMIC-RELIEF/IGOR/GUARDMAN: Uh, Tzekel-kan told them not to come out of their houses today. He thinks it might rain soon. Oh, and he says that you said it first.
RANDOM CITIZEN: *is being a rebel and out in the streets*
GUARDS: GET BACK INSIDE, PEASANT.
MIGUEL: Hey, cut the guy some slack; he just wanted some screentime.
COMIC-RELIEF/IGOR/GUARDMAN: But Tzekel-kan said that you said that –
MIGUEL: Naw, man, he's cool. Here, you guys go take the day off work. Hey peasant, you all right down there?
[The peasant runs 'cause he's afraid he's going to be punished, which is odd because Miguel just stood up for him, but whatever. He knocks down some a drum and some strings and weird-looking instruments.]
MIGUEL: Eh, forget that guy. *makes a mandolin from scratch*
THAT: *is pretty damn nifty*
MIGUEL: *carelessly playing a tune, not a care in the world*
HORSEY: Hey, I've been walking around the streets, and I found these little kids. They won't get off my back, so I'm leaving them with you.
MIGUEL: *is surprisingly good with kids*
RANDOM CITIZENS: *have apparently forgot that it's going to rain today and wander outside* Oh look, that blonde guy is playing with our children. He's pretty cool. Let's go hang out with him. I'm sure this doesn't break any of our religious rules or anything.
[There's another song in which Elton John sings about learning to embrace the city, experience the city, love the city – idk, it's pretty weird, 'cause technically it's a love song, even if it is a rather pretty one. Miguel wanders around the place mingling with the people and gets to stand on a giant turtle, feed huge-ass birds, play dominos, and horse around with the kids and their toy ball.]
TZEKEL-KAN: *is watching from afar* THIS IS NOT GROOVY AT ALL!
[BACK INSIDE THE TEMPLE]
PARENTS IN THE AUDIENCE: HOLY FUCK, ARE THOSE TWO – ?!
THE KIDS: *are oblivious*
SLASH FANGIRLS: *sob*
TZEKEL-KAN: Yo, anybody home?
TULIO: Yeah, sure dude, interrupt the only makeout scene I've ever had with a girl on camera. What do you want?
TZEKEL-KAN: *gets all up in his face* So I just saw your buddy Miguel out frolicking with the people, and this is NOT A GOOD THING, so I'm thinking you need to put him on a leash or something, man. OH BTW how would you like your sacrificed citizens prepared for devouring?
TULIO: Uhhhh. I'm gonna have to get back to you on that. Peace. *leaves with Chel*
AUDIENCE: What the hell was that about?
PARENTS: We're having second thoughts about letting our kids see this movie.
THE KIDS: WOOH VIOLENCE AND SACRIFICE FUCK YEAH!
CORTÉS: Yeah, this scene is just reminding you that I still haven't been resolved yet. Carry on.
[THE STREETS OF EL DORADO]
MIUGEL: *happily frolicking*
CHILDREN: *frolicking happily*
TULIO: Miguel, you're an idiot. It's time to go.
TZEKEL-KAN: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS TOMFOOLERY? The gods do not play ball like this!
[SOME GIANT STADIUM, LIKE, WOAH]
TZEKEL-KAN: THIS IS HOW WE DO IT IN THE DORADO, HOMIES.
TULIO: GODDAMMIT MIGUEL. I'M GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS IN MY LIVEJOURNAL.
[So now they're dragged into playing a game that involves knocking some ball through a hoop that's situated like four stories above their heads. The team they're playing against is SRS BSNS and of course they're gonna lose, right?]
SOME RANDOM ARMADILLO: *oddly looks exactly like the ball in play*
TULIO: This seems a little too convenient.
CHEL: Oh, so you have problems with this, but not with your loaded dice?
[So the armadillo substitutes for the ball and starts cheating by pushing itself through the hoop whenever Miguel/Tulio hits it, but not when the other team does… idk, it's weird. But suddenly!]
CHEL: *isn't paying attention and tosses a real ball back into the game*
MIGUEL & TULIO: *galloping happily* - oh fudge, is this ball fake?
[And then we have one of these moments where they knock it up into the air – ]
TULIO'S ELBOW: *meets Miguel's face*
MIGUEL: OW. THAT HURT, MAN.
TULIO: SHUT UP, IT'S A PLOT POINT.
THE BALL: *SOARS*
THE TIME: *IS ALMOST UP*
THE EMOTIONS: *ARE HIGH*
HORSEY: Ugh, this is taking too long. *kicks the ball in*
[And there was cake.]
TZEKEL-KAN: Congrats, homies! So now you will, of course, want the losing team sacrificed, yeah? I've got a thing for blood sacrifices, if you couldn't tell, and really it's rather important that we make one soon because I see it's about to rain and –
MIGUEL: OMFG DUDE, GTFO.
[Tzekel-kan has this "Oh no he DIDN'T" look on his face for a moment but my main man Miguel just ignores him.]
MIGUEL: And don't let the door hit your creeper ass on the way out.
TULIO: Goddammit, Miguel, don't you think before you say things?
MIGUEL: Don't pretend like you weren't impressed. *body-surfing*
[SOMEWHERE DARK AND CREEPY]
TZEKEL-KAN: So guess what, Igor. I saw the plot point dripping blood over Miguel's eyebrow. Do you know what this means?
KANNY-TZEKEL: IT MEANS THAT THEY'RE HUMANS, IDIOT. *flips through his Grimmerie*
DREAMWORKS LOGO: *makes its appearance*
TZEKEL-KAN: Oh look, a giant stone jaguar. This can only bring about disaster and hilarity. Let's do it.
[VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE CITY]
THE BOAT: *is being made*
MIGUEL: *is hanging upside down, for some reason, but whatever*
TULIO & CHEL: *are being all flirty-flirty, talking about their love fantasies and which Jonas Brother she's most compatible with*
HORSEY: *is being groomed*
THE BOAT: *is now finished*
MIGUEL: I call do-over. It sucks.
TANNABOK: You know, if this is just your way of saying you want to chill with us for a while, then just say so.
MIGUEL: But… Tulio and I… the plan… I can't betray him, he wouldn't betray me…
[INSIDE THE TEMPLE]
TULIO: Aaah… fine.
CHEL: Actually, I change my mind.
TULIO: Wait, what? Oh, wait – I – aw, shit – look, I want you to come with me and Miguel. Or me. Only me. Forget Miguel.
CHEL: Sounds good to me.
SEXY MAKEOUT TIEMZ: *is had*
MIGUEL: *eavesdropping* *glower*
HORSEY: *classic jawdrop*
MIGUEL: My heart will go on, bitch. *sniffle*
[THE CREEPY CHAMBER]
TZEKEL-KAN: Look, Igor, you're really starting to piss me off, so I'll just shove you into this vat of Polyjuice potion or whatever the hell it is and don't feel bad, this is for the greater good – AND NOW I SUMMON THE DEMON JAGUAR FROM HELL!
DEMON JAGUAR FROM HELL: FEE FI FO FUM.
[LATER THAT NIGHT]
[There's a celebration with food and punch and apparently back in the fifteenth century they had those little drinky umbrella things? Whatever.]
TULIO: Hey dude, we didn't do too shabby on this scam, eh?
TULIO: Yeah, I think so too.
ALL UVA SUDDEN: *DEMON JAGUAR FROM HELL APPEARS!*
MIGUEL & TULIO: *awesomest. girly. scream. ever.*
KEVIN KLINE & KENNETH BRANAGH: *CONTINUE BEING FUCKING AWESOME*
MIGUEL & TULIO: What in the name of all things sexually ambiguous is this?!
DEMON JAGUAR FROM HELL: *goes on a rampage*
[So people are running all over the place; Miguel and Tulio split, and they somehow manage to lose Chel and Altivo, and then OH NOES they end up trapped on top of the sacrificial ledge over the whirlpool from before and – ]
TZEKEL-KAN: You guys are lying, cheap assholes and you didn't even sign my poster. Also, you're not gods.
TULIO: …Miguel? You lied to me?
TED & TERRY: Shh shh, you'll get it in a minute. *gigglesnort*
MIGUEL: Well hey, it was your lame-ass plan that got us into this mess!
MIGUEL & TULIO: YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D, BITCH. *WHAM!*
[And Tzekel goes down, like, waaaay down.]
TED & TERRY: TEEHEE.
AUDIENCE: O I C WHUT U DID THAR.
[Then there's this whole thing where Demon Jaguar From Hell tries to kill them again, but they outsmart it and Tzekel-kan by jumping over the side of the ledge and hanging onto these vines…?]
SPARROW: No seriously, how are you two still alive?
TZEKEL-KAN & DEMON JAGUAR FROM HELL: *fall down into the whirlpool*
[SOME LAKE OUTSIDE THE CITY]
TZEKEL-KAN: I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Somehow.
CORTÉS: So you think you can just show up and declare yourself the villain, eh? TAKE ME TO YOUR GOLD.
AUDIENCE: We're so confuuuuused. Who's the bad guy here?
TED & TERRY: They both suck. That's all you need to know.
[BACK ON THE CLIFF]
TULIO: Dude, PWNAGE.
MIGUEL: Don't talk to me, I'm mad at you. Oh hey, Chiefy, I've decided to stay.
TULIO: Well, this sucks. Woe is me.
CHEL: You kind of deserved it.
TULIO: Shut up. Goddammit, Miguel.
[Tulio is packing up to leave on the boat while Miguel is walking around being godly. Elton John is singing in the background about… something… And oh look, Tulio just hit Miguel in the back of the head with the bag. Teehee.]
TANNABOK: Catch you later, dude.
TULIO: Sure thing, bro. *fistbump*
TANNABOK: *BONE-CRUSHING HUG*
TULIO: Well sure, I suppose I wasn't using these ribs anyway. Okay, Chel, let's get on the big pretty boat.
CHEL: What about Miguel?
TULIO: … Did you know 'traidor' is Spanish for 'traitor'? *COUGHCOUGH*
[There's actually a pretty cute part where Chel looks at Miguel, kind of like "You're really gonna stay?" and it's so sweet, seriously, but Miguel holds out his hand in farewell instead.]
SLASH FANGIRLS: WHY DON'T YOU ALL JUST KISS AND MAKE UP ALREADY?!?
REST OF THE AUDIENCE: *FLAMETHROWER*
HORSEY: You guys, pay attention to me!
MIGUEL: Yeah, and what do you want? Can't you see we're having one of Those Moments?
[But horsey has a point and there's smoke in the distance, as it's been trying to point out, which is like the first time it kind of did anything useful imnsho.]
RANDOM CITIZEN: Don't ask me how I know this, but there're a buncha strange guys being led here to the city by Tzekel-kan. I'm thinking we should, y'know, do something about this.
[And suddenly people are *PANICKY* and Tulio decides it's time to stop moping and be a BAMF again.]
TULIO: Okay, well, this is what we'll do. I… uh… well…
THE RANDOM ARMADILLO: *is conveniently there, tipping over everything*
TULIO: Hey, that squeaky animal thing gives me an idea. We'll just, y'know, crash the boat into the pillars and knock the entrance down so they can't get in. This sounds like a pretty BOSS plan, if I do say so myself.
CHEL: But what about us? Won't we die?
TULIO: Wait, are you implying that the plot actually makes sense?
CHEL: And what happens to all the gold on the boat?
TULIO: Look, if you're going to replace Miguel, you have to automatically either go along with everything, come up with something better, or be really optimistic. Hey, Chief, I've got a plan.
[They plan on sailing the boat through the entrance first and then crashing these giant pillars behind them so that the entrance is then sealed. So they're sailing, sailing, but OH NOES the pillars are falling too fast and they're gonna die unless they manage to open the sail (because for some reason they didn't do that first?) but fuck it won't open.]
MIGUEL: Well, I could do something to help them…
TULIO: Oooh, he's not getting the hint, I'd better look even more desperate.
[It's that moment where you can Only Choose One.]
MIGUEL: Ugh. Fine. *jumps on horsey and rushes toward the boat*
TULIO: Wait, Miguel, what're you – ?
MIGUEL: NEEEAR, FAAAAR, WHEREEEEVERRR YOU AAAARE –
[He grabs the sail and pulls it down, ending up falling into a mountain of gold on the boat.]
TULIO: Get back off the boat, Miguel, or you'll never see the city again!
MIGUEL: Eh, I don't feel like swimming back.
TULIO: But I thought –
MIGUEL: I changed my mind.
TULIO: I don't have any time to question that further, since we're about to be crushed by GIANT PILLAR SMUSH –
GIANT PILLAR SMUSH: *BOOM CRASH*
THE MUSIC: *SOUNDS LIKE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN*
[The boat is sailing quickly through the giant cavern and there's water rushing everywhere, gold falling off the boat, and SOMEHOW they're still alive, idk, when suddenly – ]
PILLARS: *GO BOOM*
THE SHIP: *TURNS OVER*
THE GOLD: *IS LOST*
WATER: *IS EVERYWHERE*
TULIO, MIGUEL, CHEL & HORSEY: *should be dead, but…*
[OUTSIDE THE CAVERN]
[And then we're staring at the giant rock again.]
TULIO: We… actually made it? We're still alive?
MIGUEL: Hey, I'm as surprised as you are.
CHEL: Get down! I see the villains coming.
CORTÉS: *is menacing and empathic*
TZEKEL-KAN: Okay, the passage to the city is right – here…?
TZEKEL-KAN: Uh… :D?
CORTÉS: Ugh, what a waste of time. Cortés OUT, bitches.
[And they drag Tzekel back from wherever they came from to go make a new civilization or something.]
MIGUEL: Well, that was an amusing way to spend the summer.
TULIO: … BUT IT WAS SO MUCH GOOOOLD! *sobwrist*
MIGUEL: Oh, I see how it is. that's all you care about, huh?
MIGUEL: Just kidding.
MIGUEL: I forgave you a while ago. I've just been stringing you along.
MIGUEL: And hey, just because you really like her… it's cool, man. We're partners. We'll always be partners.
SLASH FANGIRLS: Make out make out make out make out…
CHEL: Hey you guys, let's get out of here.
SLASH FANGIRLS: DDDDDDDDDD:!!!!
[They all get on horsey and ride off. Cue that sunset.]
[THE ENDING THAT WASN'T IN THE MOVIE]
MIGUEL: Okay, so I kind of lied. I do still have some hurt feelings. To make up for them: *shoves Tulio off the horse*
TULIO: GODDAMMIT MIGUEL.
References and Rip-Offs:
"Ted & Terry"
- Ted Elliot and Terry Russio are the screenwriters of this movie. They're fairly awesome and they've written other brilliant films such as Pirates of the Caribbean, Aladdin, and National Treasure.
"Kevin Kline & Kenneth Branagh"
- The voice actors for Tulio (Kevin) and Miguel (Kenneth). Kenneth also played Gilderoy Lockhart in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets a few years later.
"Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged/Seto Kaiba/Takahashi/Yami/LittleKuriboh"
- So once upon a time Kazuki Takahashi decided to write a story called Yu-Gi-Oh about a kid who solves an Ancient Egyptian puzzle and out pops a three-thousand-year-old spirit that calls himself Yami. The two play card games together for a while and then they see that Yami kind of looks like this figure in an ancient stone tablet that depicts the Egyptians' religious beliefs and prophecy for the future. There's this whole thing where Seto Kaiba, a character from the show, runs into this giant tablet and he spends a while being WOW'd by it but in Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged, a parody created by LittleKuriboh, he just kind of goes "OH MY GOD A GIANT ROCK" and it's been quoted everywhere. I had to throw it in somewhere. So props to LK, for coming up with such an amusing, quotable line. :)
A/N: I won't deny that I sounded pretty hypocritical and annoying in this parody, but hey, I had fun with it. I hope you had fun with it, too. Or maybe you thought it sucked and that I should never write humor again. Which I can't blame you for, but even if one person got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, then that'll be worth it. :) Hope you enjoyed.