Dialogue only conversation between House and his roommate at Mayfield. Basing this loosely on spoilers. So my characterization of this individual might end up being off, once the episode airs. Taking a shot in the dark based on type casting.

Knowledge of the band Menudo and Silence of The Lambs will be helpful.

Insomnia

“Hey…House.”

“…”

“House.”

“Mmm…what?”

“Are you sleeping?

“…”

“House?”

“What?”

“Are you sleeping?”

“Not anymore…”

“Do you want to talk?”

“Do you want to die?”

“Uh...no."

“Good. G’night.”

“Wait, I just wanna talk.”

“That’s what the nice folks with the white coats and clipboards are for.”

“Yeah. But...you’re sort of like a doctor too, right?”

“Not as far as you‘re concerned.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Normally I’d recommend drugs for that. But considering your daily benzo intake, I’m surprised you’re even conscious, let alone lucid enough to hold a conversation.”

“I told you already…they’re giving me placebos.”

“Of course. Patients with paranoid personality disorders just get baby aspirin. Hospitals save a lot of money that way.”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Yes.”

“Wanna play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon?”

“No.”

"Wanna see how many tennis balls you can juggle?"

"No."

“Wanna play I Spy?”

“Yeah, here’s how that would go. I spy something black. Hey, it’s darkness. Your turn.”

“We could turn the light on.”

“And five minutes later, someone would come in and yell at us to shut it off. Just like summer camp all over again.”

“I never went to summer camp.”

“Yeah, neither did I. You can whine all about it in group tomorrow.”

"I don't whine."

“Go to sleep, Alvie. Or you won‘t have enough energy to obsess about who’s poisoning your Apple Jacks, in the morning.”

“I told you, I investigated that theory and debunked it.

“Right. Well there are plenty of other cereals with homicidal potential. Then there‘s the oatmeal and the bagels. And you haven't even started in on the lunch and dinner conspiracies.”

"Why do you have to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Mock me."

"Because it's effortless. Stop providing the material and I will stop mocking."

"One of these days, I'm going to mock you."

"About what?"

"I don't know. But I'll think of something."

"Oh goody. Now I have something to look forward to."

"..."

"G'night...again."

“You sure you don’t want to talk?”

“I don't want to talk to you during the day. Why the hell would I want to talk to you now?”

"That was very hurtful."

"Yes. Yes, it was."

“I just…know I’m not the only one of us who’s having sleep issues.”

“Right now, you are my sleep issue.”

“Yeah, what about the nightmares?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I heard you…the other night. You sounded kind of distressed.”

“What other night?”

“Tuesday…around eleven...eleven-thirty. You were quiet for a while, then you were snoring for a while. Then you started kind of…I don‘t know, making some noises.”

“Oh my God…"

"What?"

"Please tell me you‘re joking.”

“What was going on? What was wrong?"

"Nothing. Well something was going on, but nothing was wrong."

"You can talk to me, you know. You can trust me.”

“Go to sleep, Alvie. Seriously. Never bring this up again.”

“Fine, don’t tell me why you were upset.”

“I wasn’t…upset. Far from it.”

“You don‘t want to open up to me.”

“Yeah, that’s it exactly. Just not how you think."

"I get it. It‘s okay."

"There are some things guys just don’t talk about with their seemingly heterosexual male roommates…and this is not an episode of Bosom Buddies.”

“Whatever."

"You're going to be all offended now, aren't you?"

"..."

“Which means I’m not going to get to sleep, because your crying will be keeping me awake.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“I’m pretty sure we established that already.”

“That doesn't make it okay."

“Stop sulking.”

“I’m not.”

"I can hear you sulking."

“Okay, I am. But you're totally mean.”

“I know."

"..."

"Okay, I’m probably going to regret this. But can I ask you a…question of a personal nature?”

“You mean like if we were friends?”

“Sure…whatever.”

“Are you kidding? Of course, House. You can ask me anything.”

“I’m going to put this as delicately as possible, which for me is saying a lot."

"Uh...okay."

"When’s the last time you…took your dog for a walk?”

“I…I don’t have a dog. I told you I was allergic to animal fur. I never had any pets, except for that fish that my mom flushed down the toilet when I was at school."

“And you have trust issues. What a shocker. When's the last time you took your car for a spin?”

"I don't have a car. I don't even have my license."

“Um...have you ever, wrestled the one-eyed monster?”

“I told you I wasn't good at sports."

“What about...shaking hands with your trouser snake?”

"I don't know what you're trying to say."

“Right…Well it was worth a shot. G'night.”

“Wait a minute…are those like...euphemisms?”

“Getting warmer.”

“Do they have to do with sex?”

“Warmer still.”

“Oh my God. Are you referring to autoeroticism?”

“Oh, piping hot. Spicy even.”

“You mean to tell me you were masturbating, right here in this room?”

“You mean to tell me that you haven't?”

"No, I sure haven't."

"You've been here for almost a year."

"So? Some of us can exercise restraint."

"And some of us can't."

"Oh God."

“You're like what, twenty-five? I’m fifty years old. If I wake up already in the plateau phase, with a massive erection, it‘s like Christmas and Easter and winning the lottery combined. The hand is willing and the mind is weak, if you know what I mean. It's out of my control.”

“Ugh...I don't want to hear this."

"And you said you wanted to talk. Some friend you'd be."

"I do. Just not about this."

"You brought it up."

"Yeah. Yeah, okay."

"..."

"So uh...this is a problem for you. Maybe you should consider…doing something about it.”

“I was trying to do something about it.”

“I meant something less unsanitary and…unholy. Maybe you could take medication?”

“I’m not going to risk having a heart attack or a stroke, just so I can have the pleasure of jerking off in the shower once a month. God does not care what I do with my penis. If he didn’t want me to use it, I assume he’d have made me a woman...or a starfish. And I‘d still find some other way to abuse myself. So really, that‘s moot.”

"..."

"What?"

“I…can’t believe this. Right here in this room…like four feet away from me.”

“Three and a half, actually.“

“You measured?"

“What…you’re afraid I might have gotten some on you?”

“Oh…my God. Can it shoot that far?”

"I take it you've never watched porn either."

"I was raised Roman Catholic."

"That would be a big, fat no. Have you even seen another person naked?"

"..."

"Are you praying?"

"..."

“Oh, poor Alvie. However will he sleep now? I’m laying over here in the dark, forty-two inches away, staring at him, thinking about taking advantage of his sexy, little Latino body…wanting to relive all those Menudo fantasies I had back in college.”

“Are you talking about that stuff made from cow intestines?"

"Technically it's the stomach. Tripe. Great for hangovers. Better than coffee or a sauna."

"You’re sick.”

“Duh…I’m a patient in a mental hospital, no longer fit to mingle with society. Why else would I be stuck in a place with people who think that I know you are, but what am I is a clever comeback?”

“Look...I need to know, have you ever raped anyone?”

“Do animals count?”

“Oh my God. Is that why you're into cow's stomachs?"

"You...seriously don't know who Menudo is?"

"Should I?"

"Well, if you've never seen porn..."

"I want a new roommate.”

"Sure...you can ask to be reassigned tomorrow."

"No way. I've had this room for eleven months. If anyone is moving, it's you."

"Oh that obsessive compulsive disorder is such a bitch."

"You're sick."

“Come on. It was only a hamster. It could have been a hedgehog. I was drunk, so it’s a little hazy.”

“Are you serious?”

“Do you think I'm serious?"

“How can I share a room with you now, knowing that you‘ve sexually assaulted…yourself, for one thing? But defenseless animals?”

"What was that not so clever platitude they've been pushing on us? Oh yeah, build a bridge and get over it."

"Very funny."

"It puts the lotion on its skin."

"What?"

"It puts the lotion on its skin."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

“It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

“What?”

“Go to sleep, Alvie. Or I will poison your cereal tomorrow.”

"So are we friends now?"

"No."

"G'night House."