|It's Called Rejection, Sweetheart
Author: ocicat PM
Edward decides that he liked living girls. There ensues a bitchfest. Read and review. A one shot, No longer!Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Edward & Bella - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,620 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 09-05-09 - Published: 08-31-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5344965
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
I wrote this originally with a purple pen. It was awesome.
I do not own any of Twilight, If I did, I'd be suing Stephenie Meyere, like that girl with the Breaking-Dawn-read-alike.
Setting: Outside of the Cullen abode post Breaking Dawn.
Bella made her way toward the washing line, reveling in her new vampiric co-ordination- she actually got places now, places other than the nearest medical room. She leapt expertly over a twig and approached the washing line where, she was surprised to find, Edward was leaning. Surprised because
A) He had, no fault of his own, been brought up in the early 20th century, before feminism, and considered washing and other household chores 'women's work.'
B ) He was supposed to be leaving on a hunting trip with Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper in ten minutes.
Bella stopped walking, put the washing basket down next to the line and sprinted towards Edward, kissing him passionately on the lips. He kissed her gently back, hesitantly almost, then pushed her away from him with more force than he would have used when she was alive. Then again, she wasn't as breakable anymore.
'Hi, baby,' Bella said, and began hanging up the family's underwear. Edward smiled halfheartedly and bit his lower lip thoughtfully. He opened his mouth, closed it, then began speaking in a rushed tone, his eyes watching his shoes as he did;
'Ihavesomethingtotellyou,' he said.
Bella replied with a 'shoot,' and pegged one of Emmett's boxer-briefs.
'Well,' Edward began, awkwardly, 'I kind of… I don't know how to… I mean, really-'
Bella interrupted with an encouraging, 'Come on honey, you can do it!' as though he was a child attempting to spell 'clueless.'
Edward breathed in deeply and began again.
'Alright Bella, I ah, I have a fetish for, ah, live girls?'
Edward said as a question, waiting to gauge her response. Sure enough, it was as contextually and intellectually vapid as he had expected.
'That's why you fell in love with me, right?'
Edward ran his hand through his hair nervously.
'Ah, yeah, but-'
'And I was special enough for you to love me after my technical death. That is so roman-'
'See, that's the thing. After a girl dies they come, become, kind of… dead to me.'
Bella stopped hanging up one Esme's bras, surprise registering on her undead face, and whispered, 'I'm dead to you?' in a voice on the verge of tears. If Meyerpires can cry, that is. Edward looked up from his shoes and bit his lower lip again.
Bella stared at Edward for a second, wide eyed, before blinking and smiling at him.
'Oh… I get it,' she laughed, 'you're joking!'
'Ha, ah ha ha. No. I don't actually love you anymore.'
Bella stopped laughing.
'Ah ha ha?' Edward tried, hoping that Bella would stop staring at him like that.
'But, but… what about the baby?' She cried.
'Oh, yeah, I love my kid. It's just… you. You don't turn me on anymore. In fact, I was watching porn the other day, and you came into the room… you turn me off.'
Bella threw Esme's bra at him.
'But I'm the love of your life!' She shouted. Edward smiled at that.
'No, see, you got that wrong,' he said, not raising his voice to match Bella's. 'You're the love of your life. As in, I loved when you were living, but now? Dead chicks ain't my thang.'
He smiled sympathetically at Bella, who was in a world of pain.
'But… how do you even know? I'm the first girl you ever loved!'
Edwards eyes widened in shock.
'Oh my god, you believed that? Even after that night on the Isle of Esme? You thought I was this sexy, this charming, this rich, this emotionally tortured and a 107 year old virgin? You have less brain cells than Emmett's pet rat's flea's.'
'I, what, you… you lied?! WHY?!'
'The lengths some guys will go to to get into a girl's pants are extreme.'
Bella stared at him in something akin to horror, then screamed,
'You could've given me an STI!'
Edward finally lost his control, yelling back,
'Well YOU could've taken birth control pills!'
'I thought you're sperm was dead! You could've used a condom!'
'I thought YOU were infertile!'
Bella paused, one finger in the air accusingly;
Edward smirked, 'Well, you looked pretty barren to me.'
Bella threw the washing basket at him, resuming her screaming as she did so.
'If you hate me so much, why did you almost commit suicide when you thought I was dead?!'
Edward looked blank for a second, as if he found it hard to recall a time when he would go to such lengths for the girl standing in front of him. This blankness made him look like an underwear rack –he was covered in other people's 'smalls'. Eventually, jumping forward and causing the underwear on him to fly about, he shouted, 'I was infatuated! I loved you!'
'But you don't love me anymore?'
'No!' Edward said, somewhat defensively. 'I'm not a necrophiliac!'
'But you're dead!'
'I am! But chicks with pulses turn me on, not ones who don't breathe!'
'So… I'm dumping you!'
Bella squinted in confusion, as though this had not been the logical affect of the conversation. She racked her brain for a reason why this dumping was unadvisable.
'You can't dump me! I'm your wife.' She said.
Edward snapped his fingers at her in triumph- he had this base covered.
'Not really,' he said. 'Not legally!'
Bella was outraged. 'What the fuck do you mean?'
'Have you ever read out marital document? Did you think I would really marry you eternity?'
'Unless I'm mistaken, which I never am, the fact that I signed my name El Edwardio Sexyface Awwyeahbaby voids our marriage!'
'So you're leaving me?' Bella asked, somewhat unnecessarily.
'Damn straight, woman,' Edward replied.
'Because I'm dead?' Bella wanted confirmation that she had, indeed, understood the conversation.
Bella started hyperventilating. She knew handcuffs couldn't make him stay, not even the furry pink ones, so…
'I can change!' She cried.
Edward frowned. 'What? No you can't.'
'Yes, I can! I can get a pacemaker and-'
Edward interrupted her insanity;
'It would make no difference,' he said. 'You're still not right.'
Bella face crumpled, rather hideously.
'I, uh, what do you mean?' She implored. Love that word, it's like explored, but im. Anyway.
Edward took a deep breath, because he was about to say something he had been yearning to for ages.
'I mean you're fucked up!' He yelled. Which really summarized his next words anyway.
'I don't usually tell girls I am a vampire, but you found out, and you thought it was fantastic. That's just stupid. You go off to get yourself killed by James. You jump off a cliff because you hear a VOICE IN YOUR HEAD! You befriend a werewolf who thinks that T-shirts are an inessential part of society. You hate snow, and your only endearing quality, the fact that you trip over your own feet, is now gone, and YOU NAMED OUR CHILD RENESME!
'So, yes, I'm leaving you. And if you'll excuse me, I have some lions to go drain the life out of.'
Bella, who had been silent throughout Edward's rant, now spoke up.
'I, you, you can't!' Very eloquently. Ha.
Edward, who thought he had made himself quite clear that he could, in fact, leave her, and was in the process of doing so, pointed away from the house, towards the road.
'Oh, I can,' he said. 'I so can. Now GET OFF MY LAND!'
'FINE!' Bella was enraged. 'You know that lopsided smile you have? Of course you do, you probably practice it in the mirror for hours. Well, it looks like some crazy doctor attacked you with botox but only got half your face!'
Aww, yeah, bitchfest goin' on.
'Yeah? You know that true love you had? He just left you for the entirety of female society!' Edward cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows.
'Ooh, burn, baby, buuurn!' He said.
And so Bella Swan
Did turn tail and run
Because in the end,
When all's said and done
It's the burn, baby, burn
That ends the relationship.
The girl was a bit of a twit.
Plus the guy needs a pulse
To turn him on,
And the girls living and
Heart-beats are quite long gone.
Eventually, though, they'll both
Why, thankyou for reading. Please review. If you want to give me a hate review, that's fine. But please, please be creative. If you say 'you made Edward and Bella breakup, that's not cool.' I'll reply with, 'No, that hate review was not cool, where's the passion?'
But I do also like happy reviews.
That is all.