|You Are Perfect
Author: TMBlue PM
COMPLETE! Ron reflects on his place amoung his best friends, Harry and Hermione, his past with the two of them, focusing on his relationship with Hermione and why he has never been able to tell her how he really feels about her...Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Angst/Romance - Ron W. & Hermione G. - Chapters: 7 - Words: 7,066 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 02-25-10 - Published: 09-01-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5347810
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
It might have been perfect. Just me, you, and Harry. And we both know how Harry likes to be alone sometimes to think... We worried about him, as always, but then afterwards we were just me and you... just us. Sitting in the tent in the middle of nowhere, we were on our own island, isolated from the world, from conversations with other people, from distractions and excuses. I ran through every reason not to tell you, not to have that conversation. But each one got ticked off, dismissed, because none of them mattered anymore. I had made a promise to myself. I was going to keep it.
Did you notice how my hands would shake when Harry would leave us alone on my bunk, mumbling that he was tired or needed a cup of tea? There was this moment between us, every single time, when we'd just stare at each other as if daring the other to say... something.
Go on. Tell me what's on your mind. Tell me the words that are stuck somewhere between my brain and my lips.
Then you'd look away, or I would, and we'd talk about what we were going to do next, whisper about how Harry didn't know where to turn, what steps to really take. I think we fueled each other, made it more difficult in a way to keep up our spirits when Harry was there and we could no longer complain. It had become a habit to argue about how we weren't ready for this, how we had been thrown into action, caught off guard. Sometimes you defended Harry and I'd sulk for the afternoon. Sometimes you'd agree with me and I couldn't stop smiling.
I got rather used to the feel of cold metal around my neck. It was something of a comfort once in a while, like I was in charge of something huge. I had a responsibility that scared me and thrilled me all at once. But those little moments I'd seen before between you and Harry, those kind words, the tender touches and glances, the way you agreed with him just to make him feel better, the way you'd give him a smile to improve his mood when the rain was pounding relentlessly against the canvas above our heads... I felt my temperature rise, my blood pounding through my veins... I don't know what I wanted to do, how I wanted to react, though I know it wasn't good. And I stopped myself every time from continuing to watch, forcing myself not to bring painful torture on my own heart when I had been so close to something days before, so close to whispering words to you that I'd never said aloud before... secrets, only for you.
I could have punched Harry, and I could always imagine it, like a flash or a dream, warm blood gushing from his nose, my knuckles throbbing with reality. But I always brought myself back to the truth, to who we really were. Then Harry would leave me with you again at the end of the night, and you'd ask me for the locket. I'd hand it to you wordlessly, and when I watched your fingers brush the skin of your neck, my heart would stop beating just for a second, and when it would start again, I'd be free... My burdens taken on by someone else. Though I didn't know what it really was that you were taking from me, saving me from, until it was too late to let you take it all from me for good...
I saw you choosing him! I saw you stepping closer. It wasn't even difficult for you! My departure was a haze of confusion and anger, red sparks in front of my eyes, wet pieces of too-long ginger hair obscuring my vision as I tried not to cry. Everything I wanted... well, it's all just one thing. And I let it go. I lost you because I left you...
I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.
You didn't really choose him, did you. You chose bravery, I chose weakness. You chose loyalty, I chose selfishness. You made the hard choice while I made the simple one. If you ever forgive me, it will be too soon. I see what you saw now, I see myself choosing me over you. Bloody hell, how could I have been so blind?
When I woke up, all I wanted was to see you again. And all I knew was that I deserved to die alone, to never look upon your face, your perfection, ever again... because all the things I once thought I was, the person I'd been, the one who I thought wasn't worthy... well, I had just started to climb out of that ditch, started to see myself as someone that at least had the right to try. I loved you so damn much. I could have offered you something so huge. I couldn't even contain it sometimes. I'd shout when no one could hear, hold my breath when you were around, because it was too much for my weak heart to hold - all that I felt for you. But when I left you, when I watched you running after me, when I gave up on my promise, I became what I thought I had been before, worse now than I had even imagined. The person I had finally started to convince myself I might not be was exactly who I made myself into.
I'll never deserve you.
But when I heard your voice in my pocket, calling my name... I forgot what I had done just for a moment. All I knew was I had to see you again. My chest constricted painfully when Harry brought me to the tent, when I knew what was coming. It was like I could see you inside the canvas... the end of a mistake when I'd smile at you. I hoped you'd forgotten everything.
I believed everything Harry said to me in the forest, that all those little moments I'd witnessed had been magnified and skewed by my own insecurities. And I had destroyed them that night with Harry by my side. The last bit of tension between us all had been cleared. And even when I saw you, even when you started to hit me, sending shocks of pain through my body, I was happy. I was relieved. Oh, I had never felt so complete, so peaceful.
Every single day I'll beg you for forgiveness, though I don't expect you or want you to accept it yet. I'm not ready to be forgiven.
But then that night I heard you screaming out of my reach. I had never heard anything so powerful. It cut through me as if I had been sliced open with a blade. My screams and sobs were my blood, gushing to the stone floor of the dungeon. If you died, if I never saw you again, I'd bleed to death to join you...
When I felt your body in my arms, it was more than too good to be true. If you survived... I swore to myself things were going to be different. The promise I had made to myself, long ago forgotten now, was the only thing I could hold onto as I waited for Fleur to tell me you'd be alright.
And when you woke up... you smiled at me. You actually smiled at me! How many times will you forgive me? How many times will you stay with me when I should be cast aside?
Our adventure was at a turning point. Everything happened so quickly, a blur.
You, Hermione Granger, are bloody kissing me! I must be dreaming... but I'm not. I must be dead... but I'm alive. Life swims beneath my eyelids. Everything I've ever felt is nothing compared to this. You feel weightless, though I'm holding you off the ground. I hear Harry's voice somewhere... maybe he's calling us from outside the castle... or from the next room over. He can't possibly still be in this room with us, though I suppose I would never know if the whole of the world crammed in next to us...
I'm staring into your eyes. I'm shouting silently that you are everything. We've got one more night to fight, one more battle to survive. We're going to make it. I just know we are. And then I'll tell you. Then...
...we'll be perfect.