|Heroes vs Villains
Author: King in Yellow PM
Señor Senior, Senior, throws down the gauntlet, and Kim can't refuse the challenge. Knowing the stakes, Kim doesn't want to lose, but the redhead must assemble a team and Shego is playing with the villains in… a golf tournament? Best Enemies universe.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 14,900 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 09-12-09 - Published: 09-04-09 - Status: Complete - id: 5354199
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from the Kim Possible series are all owned by Disney. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
My profile contains an overview of the Best Enemies universe. Given the excessive length of the series is you might give it a glance.
NoDrogs created the Kasy and Sheki in his story A Small Possibility, their origin has been changed completely in the Best Enemies series.
The Challenge Is Made
The phone rang on Kim's desk. "Yes?"
"Ms. Possible?" the Global Justice agent at the front desk asked.
"We have a man here with a camera crew. They want to talk with you about-"
"I'm kind of busy," Kim interrupted. "I'm way behind on paperwork."
"Have them talk with the guys in Public Relations."
*Click* Kim turned back to the reports, royally angry with Will Du who had been on her back for three weeks for her failure to file reports in a timely fashion.
Four minutes later the phone rang again. "Yes?"
"Ms. Possible, you really need to come down and-"
Eight minutes later the phone rang again. Kim, in a particularly difficult portion of the report, simply picked the phone up off its cradle and dropped it back to break the connection.
Three minutes later the pounding began on Kim's door.
"Go away!" she yelled.
The pounding continued.
Kim went over and threw the door open - prepared to give a Will Du-class reaming out to whoever was annoying her.
"Don't you ever hang up on me again," Betty Director told her coldly.
"No. Sorry. I-"
"Follow me," Betty ordered and turned to go.
"But my report! I-"
"Heel!" the director barked and Kim fell in step.
"We are going to the entrance," Betty instructed Kim as they walked down the corridor toward the elevator, "and you will accept Señor Senior, Senior's offer."
"Señor Senior is here?"
"I thought I was perfectly clear on that."
"But… But, isn't he wanted for anything?" The elevator began to descend.
"Very likely, but his lawyers are exceptionally efficient."
"But we know he's doing venture funding for evil startups!"
"Kim, in the grand scheme of things, how do you prove the difference in a court of law between an evil startup and any other corporate startup?"
Kim fell silent. The cameras were rolling as Betty Director and Kim stepped out of the elevator.
Señor Senior bowed deeply to the two women, "Dr. Director, I am honored that you took time from your busy schedule to be here."
The one eyed woman gave him a curt nod. "Your offer was most generous. Ms. Possible apologizes for the delay." Betty Director nudged Kim with an elbow.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry. I didn't realize what this was about… I still don't know what this is about."
"I didn't tell her," Betty Director informed Señor Senior.
The old man smiled, "Then I shall be delighted to tell you," he told Kim. He turned to the reporters. "In her illustrious career Ms. Possible has enjoyed many successes, and gained many enemies - some of whom would greatly enjoy the chance to see her lose." He drew a piece of paper from his pocket and opened it for the cameras. "A check for forty-five million Euros. It will be placed in the bank of Ms. Possible's choosing - and after the competition in two weeks it can be given to the United Nations humanitarian work of Ms. Possible's choice."
"What competition?" Kim wanted to know.
"Heroes vs. Villains," he told her. "My team is selected."
"No, I mean what kind of a competition?"
"It will be a golfing tournament, you have taken up the sport. We will only play eighteen holes. There will be six players on a team - three foursomes. You must play, but the choice of your teammates is up to you. However, in the spirit of fair play, you must ask your friends and heroes. You will not bring in ringers from the PGA."
"How do I know you haven't stacked your side with ringers?"
"You wound me, Ms. Possible." He turned back to the reporters, "My list is made of established foes of Ms. Possible. I will captain the villain's team, which will include my beloved son, Señor Senior, Junior, Monkey Fist, Doctor Drakken, Shego, and Duff Killigan."
"Shego? Drakken? What is happening?" Kim felt bewildered as the villain bowed graciously and motioned for the camera crews to turn off their equipment and the reporters to leave.
"I have logistical information to share with Ms. Possible," he told them. "The sort of details that your readers and viewers are not interested in." He turned back to Kim, "Now, Miss Possible…"
Kim jerked back to attention, "Uh, what?"
"There are details which must be arranged. I have reserved a course and will provide transportation. My social secretary can furnish you with the details," he pulled a card from his pocket and handed it to the redhead. "Please inform me of the players on your team."
"Do I need to stay here," Betty Director asked, "or have you learned to play nicely?"
"I have a small number of details to share with Ms. Possible, if she is able to spare me a few minutes."
"She can spare them," the head of GJ told him, then returned to the elevator.
"Three foursomes," he reminded her. "We will keep track of stroke play and match play. In case-"
"I'm new at golf," Kim interrupted, "I forget what that means."
"In match play we pair players from each of the sides. If I were to play you, for example, on those holes where we take the same number of strokes we halve the hole. If you take fewer strokes you win the hole, or if I take fewer strokes I win the hole."
"So, like, you will pick what hero plays which villain?"
He shook his head no, "I will leave that to you."
"And the stroke play is where we add up the total strokes for both teams and the lower score wins?"
He nodded, "That is correct, Miss Possible. And that brings me to a small detail which was not included in the press release, but is a part of the challenge. It has to do with the meal following the tournament."
"You didn't say anything about a meal to the press!"
"No, I did not. Some of them would have found my words distasteful, so I spared them."
"Then the deal is off."
"Miss Possible, you would refuse forty-five million Euros going to UNICEF, or refugees, or World Health?"
Kim sighed, "So, what's on the menu?" Kim's eyes went wide when he told her. "No way!"
"Oh, I am quite serious Miss Possible. And should my team lose I am completely prepared to take fork in hand. But I do not anticipate losing. Now, as I was saying earlier, the winners of the tourney will feast on lobster, steak, and Cornish game hen as the losing teams dines on their fare. In case one of the teams wins in match play, while the other wins on stroke play, the team which has won on stroke play will have the steak and lobster. In honor of Mr. Killigan and the contribution of the Scots to golf there will be haggis available for any who desire it."
"You do not sound well."
"I'm in a really lousy mood."
The old man nodded with sympathy, "Then perhaps you should call my social secretary later for the small details."
"Yeah, probably for the best."
He smiled, "I look forward to meeting you on the links," he told her, then turned and left.
Kim still felt the anger and frustration from earlier in the day, now with a bonus of added pressure to assemble a team and upset with Shego's betrayal. She slammed the door to her office shut and immediately called Shego.
"How could you!"
"Kim? How could I what?"
"Kim, I'm a little too busy for twenty questions."
"You're playing golf with Señor Senior?"
"How could you!"
"I've got a number of reasons. First-"
"You're playing with the villains!"
"You aren't a villain!"
"Kim, I'm a convicted felon, remember?"
"I don't sleep with villains," Kim protested, and hung up. She regretted her actions as quickly as she broke the connection. "Red-haired temper," she told herself and picked up the phone to call back and apologize. Before she could complete the call someone knocked on her door. Kim feared she recognized the knock, and did not need the added pressure on top of everything else. On the off chance, however, that it was Dr. Director Kim opened the door and found her fears realized.
"May I come into your office for a minute?"
"I'm a little busy at the moment." She was on the borderline of telling him to go to hell - he had started the pressure on her. On the other hand, she was behind in paperwork and she could not honestly blame him for that.
"I will only require a moment of your time."
She shrugged and motioned him in. Kim moved back to her desk and gestured to a chair, but Will assumed a parade rest position, "I don't want to keep you from your reports," he began.
"Should have told him to go to hell."
"But there is talk of Señor Senior's offer circulating. I hope that you will consider me for your team. I know we don't get along on a personal level, but it is a worthy cause and I would be honored to play, if you wish."
"You play golf?"
"I would not have extended my offer otherwise."
"You could have just said yes. You any good?"
"While not a scratch golfer I play a very respectable game."
Kim thought fast, and wondered if she had just been handed a win-win situation. "I'm guessing Duff Killigan is the best golfer on the villain's side… Do you think you could go against him in match play?"
"I am ready to play Killigan."
"I didn't think Will was this delusional." "You know he's really good."
"I believe you over-rate his abilities. Mr. Killigan's reputation is that of the most dangerous golfer in the world, not the best. He would be playing on a professional level if he possessed the necessary proficiency."
Kim smiled, "Thanks, Will. Glad to have you on board. I didn't know how I'd find someone to play Duff."
"No problem. Now, how are you doing on the reports that were due three weeks ago?"
"I was doing fine until Señor Senior arrived."
Will nodded, "Then I will let you get back to them."
Kim gritted her teeth as Will left. It was definitely a win-win situation for her. If Will could beat Duff the heroes had an advantage. But Kim would derive equal enjoyment from seeing Will taken down a peg or two by losing. And, in either case, she had filled what she had foreseen as the most difficult position for the heroes to play against.
Rather than returning to the reports Kim got on the phone to Ron. She explained the competition, and asked about the safety of the menu.
"No problem, KP. I don't know about taste, but it'll be safe to eat… You've probably eaten crazier stuff than that."
"It's just the way it sounds."
"Did you say haggis would be there?"
"Yeah, what's that?"
"Ground up sheep organs and blood, mixed with oatmeal and spices, then boiled in the sheep's stomach. I'm pretty sure they don't have it in instant mix on the store shelf."
"That sounds more appetizing to me."
"That sounds appetizing?"
"NO! I said it sounded more appetizing than what's on the loser menu. Can you golf with the hero team?"
"No way, KP."
"Ron! I need you."
"I thought you wanted to win."
"Then you don't want me, I'm Jewish."
"It's in our blood. The country clubs never accepted Jewish members - so we don't golf."
"No it's not. There are no Jewish golfers - it's genetic."
"Sure there are. There must be."
"Can you name a Jewish golfer?"
"She's not a golfer, she's a lawyer. Go ahead - name a professional Jewish golfer."
"Ron! The only golfer I can name off the top of my head is Tiger Woods."
"He's not Jewish."
"I know that… Wait, Drakken is Jewish - and he's playing for the villains."
"He's probably terrible."
"Why would Señor Senior have a terrible golfer on the villain's team?"
"So he can claim he was being fair. But look at the facts. The Seniors are, like, billionaires - they probably have their own country club. Duff Killigan is-"
"Will says he's probably not that great."
"You said he was willing to play Duff?"
"Yeah, my money's on Duff."
"So's mine. Monkey Fist, Señor Senior probably figures you'll have me paired with him. I tell you, KP, he's probably real good. Those English upper class types… Learning to golf is like a bar mitzvah for them. It's a coming of age thing… Hey, isn't he wanted or something?"
"I checked. He's, like, major suspect in a number of thefts of ancient artifacts - but no one has enough proof to indict him."
"Oh. Well then they've got Drakken… Okay, my guess is Drakken sucks. But last I knew Shego played a little better game than you - and my guess is Senior knows that and figures you're still going up against her."
"Probably. I may not be talking to her at the moment."
"Yeah, I… It's been a really lousy day and I didn't need this on top of it."
"Good news, I think I have two words to cheer you up."
"It will take more than two words to cheer me up - but give it your best shot."
"Timothy North? That's the best you can do? It's going to take more than that to cheer me up."
"Hey, he played a lot of golf after The Fearless Ferret left the air. He's a good golfer and his time as the Ferret earns him hero chops. You should give him a call."
Kim sighed, "I guess I'm that desperate. Have any other suggestions?"
"No, but if I can think of anyone I'll let you know."
"You're sure you won't play."
"KP, seriously, you want to win, seriously."
Kim laughed, "Thanks, Ed, I needed that, seriously."
Kim smiled as she hung up. Only Ron could make her smile on a day like this. Maybe it would give her the strength to finish the reports.
Before she had finished a page the calls started coming from UNICEF, refugee relief, health organizations, and other UN agencies wanting a piece of the money. They would all save lives… Kim finally called the switchboard as asked for all calls to be held, "Tell them we don't even know if the check is good yet. Tell them to send me an email… No, a letter. I want a letter. I don't need my in-box filled up."
She managed to work in a call to Timothy North. Half-way through the call he suddenly became excited. "I've got an idea, give me the number for the social secretary. This could be big."
"So you'll play?"
"And you're good."
"You bet I'm good."
"Thank you, Mr. North."
"Call me Tim."
A call to her cousin in Boston didn't help. Joss turned Kim down, "Sorry, Cuz, but I never played any pasture pool."
"And that means Bego doesn't play either."
Kim was tired and cranky when she reached home, but the paperwork was almost finished. Two good hours in the morning and the backlog would be gone. "Honey, I'm home! Sorry I yelled at you."
Kim frowned and looked for a note, then checked her voice mail. She found nothing.
Shego's phone rolled over immediately to voice mail, "Leave a message - unless you are the person I'm not talking to. Then don't bother."
Kim hit speed dial.
"Mom? Shego's gone. I got home and she and the girls aren't here."
"I don't blame her."
"If your father ever spoke to me that way he wouldn't have found me home when he got off work either."
"You've talked with her?"
"Yes, she and the girls are over here for supper."
"I'll be over in five minutes."
"I'm not sure that's a good idea."
"I only heard her side of it - do you have anything you want to say in your own defense?"
"I was having a really lousy day at work."
"So, you don't deny yelling at her?"
"I yelled at her. I don't know what she told you, but it's probably all true."
"She's planning to stay the night."
"I know I messed up. I want to apologize."
"That's a start… A dozen roses might help too."
Kim sighed, "Okay, I'll be there in half an hour."
Kim stuck the roses through the door first before entering her parent's house. "I'm sorry," she called.
Shego ignored her.
"You're just in time for supper," her mother told her.
Shego refused to talk to Kim as they ate. It upset the twins, who seemed subdued.
"I really want to talk with you," Kim told Shego as the meal ended. "Please, I'm sorry."
"Anne, dinner tonight was wonderful. Thank you for having me and the girls over."
"Please, talk with me," Kim pleaded.
"Can I help you clear the table and load the dishwasher?" Shego asked Mrs. Dr. Possible.
"No, you will go into the den with Kim and talk with her."
"I'm not speaking to her."
"Well, she is trying to apologize to you for being foolish. If you won't listen you are compounding the problem - now march. James, read to the twins in the living room."
In the den Shego listened to Kim briefly then raised a hand for silence, "And a lousy day justifies yelling at me like that?"
"No, it doesn't. I said I'm sorry. But it was a really, really, really, lousy day."
"Tell me about it," Shego invited.
Half-way through the story Shego sat on the couch and beckoned Kim to sit down in front of her. The pale woman began to massage Kim's neck and shoulders as the redhead told her about the pressures. "Thanks for listening, and the massage," Kim told her as the story ended. "Am I forgiven?"
"I'll think about it."
"Could you tell me why you're playing with the villains?"
The massage ended, "I don't need to defend myself to you," Shego said coldly.
"I'm not asking you to defend yourself. I accept you have reasons… I don't know if I'll agree, but… Look, you don't need to explain anything. I'm just trying to understand, okay?"
"I'm a convicted felon, I'm on probation, I'm a lawyer. I'm a member of the Villain's Guild -"
"I really wish you'd quit."
"No way, I can make all kinds of good contacts there for the law office."
"So, mostly professional?"
"Believe it or not, I was thinking of you - although at the moment I'm not sure why."
"Thinking of me?"
"Yeah. We aren't exactly in the closet - but we sure as hell aren't leading pride parades either."
"I think who you love is nobody else's business - as long as you're both consenting adults."
"I won't argue with you. I'm just saying I thought you might like it if we didn't look too chummy out there."
Kim was silent for a minute, "I'm sorry I didn't listen."
Shego put her hands back on Kim's shoulders and began to massage her partner again. "I also figure it would be good for you to have someone on the villain's side - just in case."
"We can probably trust Señor Senior. Besides, he knows about us so he wouldn't say anything in front of you."
"We can trust him to keep his word. That doesn't mean we can trust anyone else - and some of them don't know about us. If there is any problem, you know I'm there for you."
"You're making me feel worse all the time."
"Good. And I haven't figured it out exactly, but I'd like to do something to protect my brothers if I can."
"I don't understand."
"I haven't figured out all the details yet. But I went to law school under my real name. Anyone can find out I'm Sharon O'Ceallaigh. I'd like people to think that Sharon O'Ceallaigh has nothing to do with Team Go."
"What was that thing you were telling me when the Go Team Go cartoon show started - some people think there was an evil Shego who was different from the good Shego on Team Go?"
"Exactly. Not sure how to do it, but-"
"Do any of your brothers play golf?"
"I mean, if Ed or Will is any good I could make a whole team of Wegos."
"You need to ask them. No one was playing golf when I left home. Oh, and I had another reason I wanted to play on the villains' side."
"What was that?"
Shego suddenly pushed Kim down on the floor, then fell on top of her and smiled at the woman beneath her, "Because villains always come out on top," she answered - and gave Kim a kiss.
Kim put her arms around Shego, then quickly rolled over - pinning Shego beneath her, "Heroes rule, villains drool!" Kim taunted, then kissed Shego.
Shego rolled, sending them into a coffee table and knocking the remote caddy to the floor with a crash.
"Sharon! Kim! Stop fighting in there," Anne called.
"We're not fighting, Mom," Kim shouted back.
"Then stop… whatever you're doing. Wait until you get home."
"We're doing a little wrestling, Anne," Shego explained.
"Well your roughhousing sets a bad example for the twins."
"Yes, Mom," Kim called.
Kim helped Shego up off the floor, "Just wait until we get home," the redhead whispered.
"I thought you didn't sleep with villains."
"I'm sorry, okay? Please drop it. And I don't sleep with any villain but you. I just don't see you as a villain anymore."
"I'm still a convicted felon on probation."
"No, you're wonderful."
Shego smiled, "So are you."
Anne's voice interrupted them a few minutes later, "Sharon! Kim! It's awfully quiet in there. What are you two doing?"
"Make up your mind, Anne," Shego called. "Do you want us making noise or being quiet?"
"Can the two of you come out of the den and join the rest of the family? The twins are tired. Are you spending the night here or not?"
The phone calls began after the evening news. Did Kim have to give the money to UN related work - or could it be given to other charitable causes? Then there were the investment opportunities - guaranteed to return a twenty-seven percent return in a year. Kim turned off the ringer.
"Señor Senior is doing this to drive me crazy, I know it."
"I'm guessing his accountant told him to give the money for some kind of tax reason. But he probably saw driving you nuts as an added bonus."
"Can I use your phone to call your brothers? I want to ask if any of them play."
"You should wait 'til tomorrow to call. I think Henry is big on that early to bed, early to rise junk."
Kim looked at her phone in the morning. There were eighty-three voice mails and one hundred and seventeen text messages. "As God is my witness, I swear I'll get back at Señor Senior," Kim drawled.
Shego looked puzzled for a minute, "Scarlet O'Hara?"
"Well, frankly, my Dear, I don't give a damn," the green woman laughed. "But I told you, villains always come out on top. I'll make you eat those words and… Did you hear about the menu?"
"Yeah, I'm going to be there with a camera when you bite in."
"Bring the camera - I'll need it for you," Shego answered.
Kim chuckled, "At least one of us will be on the winning side. Now, give me your phone. I think mine has gone toxic. I want to call your brothers."
Hego had seen the news report, "I want to play for the heroes!" were the first words out of his mouth when he realized it was Kim on the other end of the conversation.
"Great! Glad to have you. How well do you play?"
"Golf, the game we're playing."
"Oh, I've never played. But I've got two weeks until the game, right?"
"I am so screwed," Kim thought. "Is there anyway I can tell him to get lost?" "Are you sure you want to play? I mean, it would look bad if the heroes lost."
Hego laughed his irritatingly deep and manly laugh, "Heroes never lose. Truth and justice will prevail."
"Screwed!" "Uh, do any of your brothers actually play? Matt, or Will, or Ed?"
"Um, I think one of the twins played some… Will, I think. I'd moved out of the house by then."
Will had indeed played. He didn't think he had much of a game, but was willing to join the team and face anyone Kim matched him against.
Kim felt slightly better. She only had one slot left to fill. She just wished she felt optimistic about her chances - she did not want to lose.
The final slot was filled shortly after she triumphantly finished her paperwork at Global Justice. The phone rang, and Kim stared at it for a second before answering - she had left strict orders she was taking no calls until she contacted the switchboard. She suspected Betty Director had over-ridden her request, "Yes?"
It took her a second to recognize the voice, "Wade?"
"Yeah. You're all over the Internet. How's the hunt for the team going? Ron playing?"
"How did you get my number?"
"I've got everybody's number."
Kim sketched her progress on fielding a team of heroes. She finished with, "… And then I've got Hego. I'm afraid he's going to bomb. Fortunately the villains have Drakken… Doc has never played, has he? Is he a ringer?"
"Nah, I doubt he's ever touched a club… I was wondering if you'd let me play against him."
"No… Not a lot of black players. The country clubs never-"
"You and the Jews," Kim groaned. "That was why Ron turned me down. But you're willing to play?"
"Against Drakken. I mean, I figure I'll do lousy - but I still think it would be fun to play against him - maybe we can take some lessons together. And I've got an idea or two to help the team."
"Wade, you're in. I need to warn you about the menu for the losers though."
The menu didn't bother him. "Kim, my grandma cooks chittlins and turnip greens. What's your problem?"
"Am I the only person in the world who gets upset over something like that," Kim wondered.
Kim had one piece of good luck before lunch. She had once rescued Tiger Woods from Duff Killigan, and Tiger called and offered some lessons to anyone playing with Kim. She knew it was too little too late for someone like Hego - but prayed it would let her shave a few strokes off her game and beat Shego.
Before lunch she paired her team with that of Señor Senior. She would play against Shego, and had promised Wade he could compete with Drakken - that made one foursome. Will had volunteered to face off against Duff. Kim wondered if she was in a lose-lose situation. If Will won he might be even more insufferable and she shuddered at the thought. The Seniors should probably play in the same foursome, which left Monkey Fist with Duff and Will. Kim stared at the list for a minute - then wrote Wego opposite the Englishman. "Will and Will… Why not?" She matched Timothy North with Señor Senior, Sr, and that left Hego opposite Señor Senior, Jr. "Both stronger than an ox. Neither one as bright." She sighed and called Señor Senior's social secretary.
"I thought Duff Killigan was in prison," Kim asked, after they had discussed some details.
"He is. But the Scots authorities will furlough him for a charity event of this size."
"Oh. I wondered how that would work. Was Timothy North acceptable as a hero?"
"The fact you invited him on your team made him acceptable. He had some suggestions for the match that Señor Senior approved. Did you have plans for caddies or will you go with the ones Mr. North suggested?"
"North suggested caddies?" "We can pick caddies?"
"My employer is bending over backwards to demonstrate his sincerity and his faith in your integrity. He has authorized Mr. North to hire caddies for the event - but he will let you pick your own if you wish."
Kim suddenly had an idea. She felt slightly ashamed of herself, it would not do her reputation for integrity any good, but she desperately wanted to win and avoid the loser's meal. "Could I find a find a caddy for one of the villains?"
"Just one?" He hesitated, "You're up to something."
"A surprise caddy. Someone he knows very well, someone who wishes him no harm and wants to see him."
"I… I suppose that will be acceptable - if you are telling the truth. Mr. North's caddies will be available if the player you have in mind objects to the caddy you select."
"I don't think he can object - not if he knows what's good for him." "That will be great. Thanks."
Kim sank back in her chair, took a deep breath and let it out slowly. For the moment she had nothing to do but wait for the golf tournament. She knew she needed to work on her golf game, read dozens of letters, figure out how to apportion the money, and work on her caddy scheme. But at least the reports were finished and the Will Du monkey would be off her back. She could relax until the game. She was still congratulating herself when a familiar knock sounded on her door.
"Bet he wants to tell me what a great job I did on the reports," Kim thought as she opened the door.
"Kimberly, you filed the wrong requisition form for the mission in Winnipeg. You will need to resubmit the report with the correct documentation."