Wow, Jo and Laurie's little advice column last week actually seems to have been a hit! In any case, I'm back with a second part and a promise to keep updating this as long as my kind readers keep sending questions in and I have internet access. (Which might get spotty once I move on Saturday... erk.) This is very easy and very fun to write and even if I can't get started on that Dead Amy story I've been working on for ages, this is a fun diversion that I love banging out quickly!

Conundrum #1:

How do you let someone down gently?

Jo: ...

Laurie: Are you sure we're really the right people to pose this question at? You are, after all, speaking of two people who can have epic hissy fits on the basis of a simple would-be marital misunderstanding...

Jo: Hey now, speak for yourself! I don't recall having much of a hissy-fit after I turned you down the first time...

Laurie: Wait, did storming off to New York to dally with strange German Professors with irritating phonetic accents not count? Because short of enraged madness, I'm not sure why you put up with him. Ofh, Jo! I cannof possifly feenesh a sfingle fword wifouf mafing reafing me a pfain!

Jo: Oh come on, he wasn't quite that bad. He was so pleasant and... fatherly. Although I concede that the letter 'f' was much abused when a certain someone was writing him. And I suppose that counts but I only did it because I didn't have the means to go to Paris and find ways to avoid various venereal diseases during my time of debauched sadness.

Laurie: ...You knew about that?

Jo: Tch. Teddy, everyone knows about that. I know about that. Amy knows about that. My parents know about that. Meg knows about that. Even Aunt March knows about that! Amy told me that when you first started courting her, Aunt told her to make sure you weren't seeping visibly at any stretch.

Laurie: I... I don't think I... I want to think of... of your aunt... or any other member of your family and... and seepage under any possible... circumstances...

Jo: So we can't answer the question and dwelling on the subject is apparently traumatizing you. So what do we do?

Laurie: Move onto the next question?

Jo: Seems eminently sensible, if a little cowardly. Next!

Conundrum #2:

I'm reading this great book, and there are these two characters who should really be getting it on by now, but they live in this time period where you kind of have to be married first, and the authoress's editor made the boy become a dandy and the girl swoon suddenly for this old German guy...

Laurie: Hah!

Jo: Oh great, now you've got him started...

Laurie: I told you! Swore to you! Declaimed and deplored and forewarned you! Nobody likes irritatingly moralistic old German professors who abuse the poor letter 'f' much too much! Clearly you made a finer and vastly less irritating choice of spouse in me.

Jo: She called you a dandy, you know. I'm not sure that's really flattering.

Laurie: Bah, it's just a neutral description. Nothing wrong with being artistic and attuned to matters of dress. And besides, she said herself that these certain characters belong together and-- don't hit me Jo, I merely quote-- should really be getting it on by now. So she approves of us, clearly!

Jo: Sigh. That's because she doesn't live with you and has no idea how annoying you can be.

Laurie: At least I'm easy on the eyes, in person and on the printed page! You have to concede as much to me.

Jo: Oh, fine. And reader, there's a very simple way of dealing with situations of great artistic frustration. Tack on your happy ending, and rewrite the story as you please! Although of course, you don't need to do as much for Teddy and I. We ended up happily together, didn't we?

Laurie: Oh, of course. And thank god for it. Good Lord, imagine if you had ended up with that old man? You would likely smell sauerkraut all day long, you'd grow old before your time because of all his constant harping on the sins of writing-- oh the horror of it all!-- adventure stories, and your children would likely be conceived within a single five span period when he was still virile enough to pound away at you with all the lack of imagination his frame can muster! Could you imagine his face when he... well, you know?

Jo: Erk! No I can't!

Laurie: Well, it's probably the same face he makes when he scolds you, Jo. Just as Amy probably makes the same face in ecstasy that she does when she wants to correct one about the proper way of doing something. It's a shame he's not rich or young enough for her-- they'd make a lovely reforming couple, as long as they're not reforming the two of us!

Jo: Eeeee... you really think?

Laurie: Why not? They both do so enjoy moralizing and correcting the wayward ways of others. And as long as they're not trying to bend us into improperly proper shapes, why not see them be happy together?

Jo: And on that... interesting geometric note, I suppose we ought to get onto the next question already.

Conundrum # 3:

My husband is very lazy and doesn't know how to put things away... especially when it comes to his massive liquor collection. I admit, I've done some stupid things after mistaking lemonade or tea with his liquor, but now I want to keep from messing up. One more incident and I think I might die of sheer humiliation. What should I do to keep from embarrassing myself in the future?

Jo: ...

Laurie: Heh heh heh...

Jo: ...It's like they are purposely trying to play with us. Like they're enjoying our pain!

Laurie: Speak for yourself, dearest! I feel perfectly fine and dandy.

Jo: Oh, you would. Readers out there, hear my plea! Help me embarrass him thoroughly!

Laurie: Pshaw, they like me much too much to do that. Who can resist my manly charm, my masculine grace, my witty quips, my strong-browed face...

Jo: Or your legendary sense of humility.

Laurie: Yes! That just adds to my timeless appeal, I think.

Jo: ...Right. Readers, I wasn't kidding. But in any case... back to the advice.

Laurie: And the best that I can muster up is that perhaps you should see how your husband responds to your drunken shenanigans in the first place. If he constantly lets you have access to as much liquor as your light-weight form can handle, maybe he even finds it entertaining! Let me assure you, there's nothing quite as charming as seeing your normally prim, only occasionally deranged wife up on a counter-top, sans skirts and rather saucily wearing in a man's outfit, pretending that she's a concerned citizen putting you under arrest for being much, much, much too irresistible to her in her inebriated state.

Jo: Just you wait, Teddy. Just you wait. My vengeance will come soon enough and it will be severe.

Laurie: I'm shaking in my gender-inappropriate yet incredibly flattering garments, Jo. Only-- oh no, wait, that's you after you got into my scotch. I only hope I can get a replay eventually!

Jo: Next question. And I will make you regret this thoroughly!

Conundrum # 4:

I met a girl I really liked but unfortunately she has a twin sister, and I can never tell the two apart! How can I differentiate the two without offending either of them?

Jo: Hmm... this is a tricky one.

Laurie: Can you define 'like'? As in, do you simply like this girl? Or do you... ah... like like this girl?

Jo: ...Huh? What do you mean?

Laurie: I'm asking our dear reader if she wants to sleep with her be-twinned beauty.

Jo: ...?!

Laurie: Hey now. Don't look at me as though I've just confessed to sodomizing a kitten. It really does impact how I answer the question.

Jo: By varying your level of prurient interest?!

Laurie: Oh, dearest, you needn't worry in that sense. My only prurient interest is in you, truly. And besides, how much trouble she might get into for mixing the twins up really depends on connected she is to them. If they're merely friends of hers, she can take her time in figuring who's who by attending to subtle little details on how they walk, talk, dress, act and react. But on the other hand, if one of the twins is her would-be lover...

Jo: ...!

Laurie: I suppose our reader would have to end up relying on variables such as how they kiss and what they smell like and the exact pitch of their moans in order to tell the difference...

Jo: ...!!

Laurie: And differentiating one twin from another problem becomes a more urgent problem altogether. I mean, unless said twins enjoy being confused in bed...

Jo: ...!!!

Laurie: Well, worse comes to worse, I suppose you could propose a menage a trois and keep them straight by painting their names across their bodies, or something.

Jo: ...!!!!

Laurie: Darling, this is an advice column, and I'm just giving answers to a tricky situation. I like to think I'm helping, more than any other thing.

Jo: I think I've just run out exclamation marks for the day.

Laurie: And with that, let us go on to the next reader in need.

Conundrum # 5:

My ex-boyfriend keeps trying to flirt with me, even though he now has another girlfriend. How do I tell him that he has no chance but still be nice about it?

Laurie: Ah, this is an interesting conundrum. However, seeing as how I'm not and will never be a woman, I'll need to hand this over to my brilliant wife to answer. Brilliant wife, you may now commence with the answering.

Jo: Kind of you to give me permission, dear husband.

Laurie: I know. I'm a gracious man indeed.

Jo: Naturally. And dear reader, you seem to be suffering from what we older women in the know call the human version of a... well, I suppose in your time, you would call it a... Teddy, do me a favor and muffle your ears for a minute.

Laurie: Er... why?

Jo: Because I am about to speak of Womanly Matters Of Which Men Must Not Even Suspect Might Occur Naturally.

Laurie: Oh dear. It must be important-- I can hear all the capital letters falling into place. I'm muffling, I'm muffling...

Jo: Thank you kindly. Anyway, dear reader, he sounds like the human equivalent of a yeast infection. Painful, disgusting, messy, vaguely nauseating... and unwilling to go away on his own. And sadly, unlike an actual yeast infection, he's more akin to a douching than likely to respond to one. So a woman must do in this situation what a woman must do.

Laurie: ...Curiosity compels me to ask. What must a woman do?

Jo: Eep! I thought I told you to shutter your ears!

Laurie: They were shut... up to the last sentence. But now I'm intrigued. What is your feminine recommendation for dealing with a man who irks so detestably?

Jo: Well, now that you've interrupted our special womanly time, I can't give full details. But I promise you that it involves a castration iron, a mallet upside the head, the heating of said iron, and then copious use of bandages. Reader, I trust you understand what I'm getting at to make said human infection stay cauterized?

Laurie: ...!!!

Jo: Look, I told you not to listen. These are special womanly techniques that no man is invited to understand.

Laurie: Ugh... I think I can see why now...

Jo: And onto the next question, since I think I've answered this fully.

Conundrum # 6:

Jo, as an amateur actress yourself, what makeup would you recommend to create fake facial hair on a girl?

Jo: Hah! You see how many readers want advice strictly from me? Clearly, I am the Laurence most in demand!

Laurie: Heh. I wouldn't dispute that. Especially not when you've got a pair of my trousers on and you've already started writhing...

Jo: ...I'm going to disregard that last part on behalf of my sanity. And reader, there's a very simple way to solve this problem that doesn't require the messy use of pencils, props or itchy false hair either.

Laurie: Oh?

Jo: Simply locate a man who can grow abundant facial hair...

Laurie: Er... check?

Jo: And then wait for him to shave and scavenge the leavings afterward! Or alternately, trim his hair every few weeks and then collect the ends. Either way, as soon as you have enough hair to fashion into a felt chin-bib, you're good to go.

Laurie: ...

Jo: Hah! See, I told you I'd get you back sooner or later.

Laurie: I never should have doubted you, darling.

Author's Note: Thanks goes to all the readers who sent in questions and made this little advice-column project so fun to write! And as always, if you keep sending in questions on any topic under the sun, I'll keep writing this. It's fun, easy, and every column can be written in under an hour-- so I'm planning to keep up with this through the next few busy weeks. ;)

Also, I'm moving soon so my internet access is going to be very sketchy for the next few weeks. Still, I'll try to keep in touch as much as possible. And thanks once again for reading!