A/N: So there are two parts to this story. The crack d/s and the angry d/s. I have separated the two, so you don’t go, WTF in the middle of reading it, but technically, they are part of the same story. Feel free to read either or both. Er, or neither, I guess. *pouts* And I’ll post the first chapter today, and the second tomorrow.

And don’t blame me for this. It was all Animeaddict666’s idea. *shifty eyes*

Happy birthday, Bri. Love you, babe.

Many thanks to the awesome Master of the Rebels for beta’ing.

Warnings: BDSM, crack, swearing, limeish, yaoi

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“Just where the hell do you think you’re putting that?”

“In your ass, idiot. Where do you think?”

“Oh hell no! Do you see the size of that thing?”

"..."

"..."

Sasuke sighed, finally breaking down in the face of overwhelming stupidity. “Obviously,” he said, dryly.

“And you think I’m letting something like that near my ass? Are you crazy?”

“Naruto, you said you were willing to experiment—”

“Sure, but I was talking about handcuffs maybe, or a threesome, or-or-or edible underwear or something. Not that-that thing! It’s my ass we’re talking about here!”

Naruto looked at Sasuke. "Just kidding about the threesome," he added hastily.

“Naru—”

“That’s it! No sex for you! Go to the end of the line!”

“Naruto...you are not the Sex Nazi.”

“I could be, Sasuke, so don’t press your luck!”

“Che, fine. I should’ve known you couldn’t handle it.”

“Hey, what? What, what, what? What do you mean, I can't handle it? I could handle it just fine if I wanted to!”

“Well, I don’t know—”

“I’ll show you handling i— Damn it, Sasuke! What did I tell you about doing your reverse psychology mumbo jumbo on me! I don’t want it! It doesn’t matter what you say! You’re not putting that monster in my ass, and that’s final!”

“Chicken.”

“What did you call me?”

“You heard me.”

“I am not a chicken! Take it back!”

“I can’t when it’s obvious you’re frightened of a stupid sex toy.”

“What did you just say?”

He shrugged nonchalantly, looking off to the side.

“Bastard! I’m not— Damn it, Sasuke! Stop doing that!”

------

“You want me to call you what?”

“Master.”

“No way in hell am I calling you master!”

Sigh.

“Naruto, it’s just role play. I know you don’t mean it. But it will help create the right..." Sasuke waved his hand in the air, "...atmosphere.”

“Atmosphere, smatmosphere! I’m still not calling you that. What if you bring it up later and rub it in my face?”

“Just because you would do something like that doesn’t mean that I would.”

“Ha! Don't think I didn't notice you didn’t actually deny you wouldn't bring it up again!”

"Naru—"

"Hey, does using a quadruple negative in a sentence mean I actually would notice you would bring it up again, or does it mean I wouldn't notice if you brought it up again, or does it—?"

"You're purposefully trying to annoy me now in order to avoid the whole thing, aren't you?"

"Maybe. Is it working?"

----------

“No. Fucking. Way.”

“Naruto—”

“No! I’m not going to crawl! Naruto Uzumaki crawls for no man!”

They stared fiercely at each other from across the distance of the room, neither man backing down.

Finally…

“I’ll take you to Ichiraku’s for dinner every night this week.”

“Che! Like I would—”

“And next week.”

“Deal, sucker!”

-----

“Ow! That fucking hurt!”

Sigh. “Naruto! I just touched you with a feather!”

“Oh. Really? Heh. Um…look why do I have to wear this blindfold again?”

"I would think that would be patently obvious."

"It's not my fault I can't see!"

"..."

"...er, Sasuke?"

"You are an imbecile."

"Hey! Now, wait, wait! St-stop that! That tickles! S-Sasuke!"

----

"Mmmphmmpphmmppph!"

"I must admit," Sasuke said, contentedly contemplating his gagged and restrained boyfriend, "this was the best idea I've ever had."

"Brrmphmmmph!"

"I might actually take this opportunity to read a book. I don't remember the last time the apartment was this quiet."

"MMMMPH!!!"

----

“What the fuck? I’m not wearing those!”

“Will you stop complaining for one minute? You’ve been doing nothing but whine since we got started!”

“But Sasuke—“

It was amazing how his name could sound like nails screeching down a chalkboard.

“What? What, what, what, what?”

Naruto sulked at the tone. “I can’t help it that I’ve got sensitive nipples!”

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A/N: I probably won’t post the second chapter of this on ff, but feel free to check out my LJ or ygal if you’re over 18.